Settling Down

[Atem]

So here's the deal - I hear the phrase "he/she is finally ready to settle down" a lot in various twists whenever a guy/gal I know finally agrees to:

a. have a relationship

or

b. get engaged/married

 

Now here's the fun fact: when I look at 99% of these people and/or ask them how they got to this point (i.e. why they decided that it's time), I get pretty similar responses along the lines of:

- it was just time / I'm not getting younger

- it seemed like the right/reasonable thing to do

 

Also, when you look at these people, most seem to treat each other with something along the lines of mutual "ok-ness" rather than real affection (i.e. being figuratively "crazy" about each other).

 

Now I believe that all of this is a factor of:

1. Right time (i.e. you're over 30, finished grad school, found a good/stable job with good money, decided to stick to a certain area for the long term)

2. Wish to NOT be alone

3. Pressure by society/family to tie the knot/have a family (at least, to some degree)

 

So, the question that I want to put to all of you guys is this: I this behavior just essentially a function of "giving up" on finding THE right parter and instead SETTLING for an "ok" or even "meh" partner just for the sake of settling down and achieving some sort of stability?

 

The fact that many couples - even those that stay together for the long haul - often do not have almost anything in common / do not commect or share things on a deeply emotional level seems to support this assumption.

 

And, finally, if this assumption is correct, then are 99%+ of us doomed to having semi-stable, albeit "meh" long-term relationships while the >1% get lucky enough to find THE partner to whom they really connect?

 

Discuss

[Leigh 87]

Oh man, this is the question of my life!

 

I think it is RARE to find a person who you're crazy about, and who is also crazy about you, and who is ALSO compatible long term.

 

It is not less than 1% though......

 

........ if you're a relationship person and you are actively bettering yourself and enjoying living your life single, and you either do not have significant emotional or mental health issues and your getting professional and regular help for them, I would say you have a fair chance of meeting the right person within a few YEARS of being single.

 

Add to the mix, if you are social like me and enjoy meeting new people and new men and you are attractive to enough people to always have some people attracted to you AND you are a pleasant person to get along with? I would say you have a shot of finding that person you're crazy about within a year or two of actively meeting new guys/girls.

 

It is rare though to meet this special person.

 

I have only ever got that special "feeling" about one or two guys I have ever met.

 

You know, that feeling where... you just get a really good feeling instantly. Just something about that person that gets you excited to hear from them and keeps them on your mind for reasons deeper than attraction or fear of being alone/wanting a companion.

 

I do not want to settle, so therefore I know I am making a conscious decision to wait a LOT longer than MOST people, in order to find a guy I get that "feeling" about.

 

I elaborate in other threads sometimes, about growing to love a person versus falling IN love.

I have met 2 guys in the past week or so, that I could definitely " grow to love" through spending time with them.

 

The thing is, when I met them, I just did not get the urge to kiss them, and rather, I felt pretty AVERSE to their touch initially. I did not want them to kiss me or anything of a sexual nature. I felt the need to be around them a lot longer before kissing them.

 

I could learn to push romantic feelings onto men I do not "feel it" with initially, the way I did with my ex. I still fell in love with him, but I did not have a good feeling about him to begin with. It grew.

 

I grew to love my ex, so growing to love a person can work, as I WAS crazy about him in the end, despite the fact he was a jerk. I really loved being around him. We could be together all day every day, and we would constantly laugh.

 

So we were not meh about each other at all, even though we may not have been IN love, and rather, grew to love each other through shared experience and time together.

We still couldn't wait to see each other each day when he was at work or whatever, even over two years later we still couldn't wait to go to bed and hug every night.

 

On the other hand, I finally met a guy, where we both just "felt" something instantly.. Beyond chemistry and attraction to each other. Since we felt this before we met, just through talking on the phone and looking at pictures of one another.

 

Sometimes I get a "feeling" about a guy, but normally I don't.

I believe that "feeling" I get for some men opposed to others, is the ingredient that is needed to fall IN love with them, opposed to just growing to love them over a lot of time.

 

I believe you either have something with someone from the very beginning, or you don't.

 

My best friend got that "feeling" about her ex very early on, and they are still going strong and are going to get married sometime soon.

 

Just something to think about. People think I am living in some fairy tale land, when I refuse to seriously date the guys I just do not get that "feeling" about.

 

The thing is, I can wait longer, and then meet a guy who I just instantly want to kiss when I meet them; I just "feel it" with them, and it makes the thought of being intimate with them appealing, opposed to meeting a guy for the first time and STILL not feeling ANY inclination to kiss them after date 2, 3 or 4.

 

And I will reiterate: it has NOTHING to do with them being good looking. The guys I have felt "it" with are normal looking guys. They just struck a chord with me.

 

And this "thing" is not just chemistry either. My last FWB and I have crazy chemistry, yet I did not get "that feeling" with him, either.

[GoodOnPaper]

 

And, finally, if this assumption is correct, then are 99%+ of us doomed to having semi-stable, albeit "meh" long-term relationships while the >1% get lucky enough to find THE partner to whom they really connect?

 

Discuss

 

From a guy's perspective, I think it very much depends on how successful you are at attracting women in general. If you can attract women regularly, then holding out for the most intense infatuation you can find is feasible. If you struggle to get dates, then you pretty much have to work with who you can attract and decide how much you want to move forward to the next phase in life. There are pros and cons to "settling" as well as to holding out for future greener grass.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I understand what you're saying, OP, and I, too, have seen those seemingly "meh" couples.

 

However, in the case of those couples there are a couple of things to consider:

 

-You don't know everything about their relationship. How they seem to you, or even what they say candidly while apart from their partner, is not the full story. I'm not saying that there aren't couples out there who essentially determined "Welp, I guess this is the best it's gonna get for me," and settled with the one they're with. But I think it's less pervasive than you think. Just because a couple isn't openly displaying affection and passion on a regular basis, doesn't mean they don't express those things in their private lives.

 

-I think for some people, as they grow older, they weary of the "excitement" and turbulence of dating and pursuing, and the subsequent drama, and, possibly, heartbreak, that follows. So while they may appear to be "settling" in your eyes, they may in reality be quite relieved, happy, and content. This does tie in to what you're saying - they want something stable, unconditional - but is that so bad?

 

From a guy's perspective, I think it very much depends on how successful you are at attracting women in general. If you can attract women regularly, then holding out for the most intense infatuation you can find is feasible. If you struggle to get dates, then you pretty much have to work with who you can attract and decide how much you want to move forward to the next phase in life. There are pros and cons to "settling" as well as to holding out for future greener grass.

 

This is probably true, too; possibly even for both genders.

 

My fiancé is an interesting character study for this topic. When we met, he, at age 30, had always considered himself a commitment-phobe, anti-marriage, "live in the present" kind of guy. He had no trouble committing to me as far as an exclusive relationship went, but when it came to discussing cohabitation, marriage, family...forget it.

 

We even broke up for a short amount of time because of this, which is detailed in my thread history. I was devastated, but I had resolved that we ultimately wanted different things and staying in this relationship was only going to cause me more heartbreak down the road.

 

When he came crawling back to me two months later, wanting to talk the big issues like commitment, marriage, and the general future, I wondered why. He is a successful doctor, tall and generally good looking, and charming, charismatic and funny to boot. He certainly wouldn't commit to me just out of fear of being alone, as I am confident he could find a date at the drop of a hat.

 

But I think it comes down to the elements you claimed many couples lack - largely, having things in common. We both love music and spend almost all of our free/weekend time checking out local shows, festivals, and record shops. We both care about fitness and maintain a diligent gym schedule together. We both love to travel and we take frequent weekend road trips to random places we've never been before. We spend the car trips sharing iPods and finding new music. Quite honestly, I've never had a relationship like this one before, and I'm pretty sure I'll never have another, if this one doesn't work out. I've been in happy, compatible relationships...but not to this point, where we thrive so much together.

 

And I guess that's what it comes down to. When we got back together and he started pushing for me to move in, and talk about marriage, I asked him "why?" so many times. Why me, why now, when before the mere mention of these things had him running for the hills? The explanation he kept coming back to was, "I'm a better person when I'm with you. I'm happier, healthier, fitter, and more content when I'm with you than by myself or with anyone else." Of course this is all backed up by basic things like a mutual physical attraction, intellectual and social chemistry, etc...but I think the "symbiosis" I described is what takes our relationship to the next level, in terms of commitment.

 

Sorry for the long post. I just felt my personal story related so much to this topic, I couldn't help but share. The bottom line is we are "settling down"...and crazy about each other...so there are couples out there who are. Promise.

Edited September 12, 2013 by kiss_andmakeup

[boaaaar]

There is no such thing as settling, only throwing your life away, for men at least. You don't get a discount on asset division, child support, alimony and lawyer fees at divorce just because you "settled", do you.

[AMusing]

I think my current relationship falls under what you'd consider "settling," so maybe explaining my viewpoint would help you. We're both around 30, both with careers in place (or getting there, in my case, with grad school), both with clear(ish) ideas of what we want out of life. If someone were to ask me, I probably would say that the timing feels right to start settling down, and that that mind-set has probably guided the seriousness of my current relationship.

 

So am I settling? Frankly, my 20-year-old self might've said yes, but my concept of love has changed over the years. When I was younger I didn't think of it as love unless it was fireworks and passion and "OMG we're sole mate and perfect together and I couldn't live without you and hearts and stars and magic and rainbows!" I thought anything different than that type of love was settling. Over the years, though, I've come to appreciate a slower-burning type of love. My appreciation and love for my boyfriend is tempered with more realism than I had in the past. There are times that I'm with my boyfriend when I sit back and think, "Holy crap you're amazing... I'm so lucky to have you in my life." But that said, I don't think of him as my soul mate, as "THE" partner for me. I don't believe in "THE" partner anymore, in fact. I know my relationship with my boyfriend isn't perfect. There weren't wild sparks the moment we met. If we broke up our lives would be just fine (after a period of sadness, of course). Ten years ago, I probably would've labelled our relationship as "settling." And yet, now I feel exactly the opposite. The love I have for him maybe isn't as intense-feeling as what I felt for my first serious boyfriend, but it is far, far deeper. It is that depth, rather than heat, that gives us the potential to last through time. I hope.

 

To an outsider maybe it would look like settling, but I wouldn't trade this guy, or this type of love, for any amount of ephemeral lusty "love" I had when I was younger.

[soccerrprp]

So here's the deal - I hear the phrase "he/she is finally ready to settle down" a lot in various twists whenever a guy/gal I know finally agrees to:

a. have a relationship

or

b. get engaged/married

 

Now here's the fun fact: when I look at 99% of these people and/or ask them how they got to this point (i.e. why they decided that it's time), I get pretty similar responses along the lines of:

- it was just time / I'm not getting younger

- it seemed like the right/reasonable thing to do

 

Also, when you look at these people, most seem to treat each other with something along the lines of mutual "ok-ness" rather than real affection (i.e. being figuratively "crazy" about each other).

 

Now I believe that all of this is a factor of:

1. Right time (i.e. you're over 30, finished grad school, found a good/stable job with good money, decided to stick to a certain area for the long term)

2. Wish to NOT be alone

3. Pressure by society/family to tie the knot/have a family (at least, to some degree)

 

So, the question that I want to put to all of you guys is this: I this behavior just essentially a function of "giving up" on finding THE right parter and instead SETTLING for an "ok" or even "meh" partner just for the sake of settling down and achieving some sort of stability?

 

The fact that many couples - even those that stay together for the long haul - often do not have almost anything in common / do not commect or share things on a deeply emotional level seems to support this assumption.

 

And, finally, if this assumption is correct, then are 99%+ of us doomed to having semi-stable, albeit "meh" long-term relationships while the >1% get lucky enough to find THE partner to whom they really connect?

 

Discuss

 

I really do not believe that the vast majority people ultimately "settle" when they are ready to commit, settle-down. I believe that the vast majority of couples do really believe that they've found their soul-mate or person that they can see living old with.

 

I am ready to "settle-down", but it will be with someone that I am crazy about, not simply for the sake of settling-down. I think I have been given a second chance at having or finding someone to do that with again, but we'll see. I love this woman and I do get butterflies, the have "aaahhh" feeling whenever I see, hear or am with her. That's worth settling down for... One day at a time...

[Ruby Slippers]

This is the definitely the issue on my mind right now.

 

My boyfriend is trying to get me to settle down with him - and I'm ready to settle down.

 

The problem is - I've always felt crazy about him, but I don't feel like he's crazy about me. He's admitted he thinks "crazy love" is the stuff of movies and teenage fantasies, and says it's not something he's felt, and not something he aspires to feeling. He's the strong, stoic, silent type, an exceedingly pragmatic guy in all matters, but I'm not sure I can ever truly get on board with his pragmatic approach to love.

 

He has recently said similar things to what kiss_andmakeup mentioned: "My life is better with you in it. I've never made more positive changes in my life than I have while I've been with you. You've taught me how to enjoy life. I'm a better person because of you."

 

I've been in one relationship in my mid-20s where we were mutually crazy about each other. I've also had a couple of relationships where the guy seemed crazy about me, but I didn't feel that intensity for him.

 

I've tried to narrow down what the difference between comfortable love and crazy love is. I think what it comes down to is the way you treat the other person. I think when you're crazy about someone, you're naturally more thoughtful, more motivated to please, and all that good stuff. So when my boyfriend is thoughtless and not that motivated to please, I feel hurt, let down, and sad.

 

He makes the argument that his love will be a stable and enduring one, whereas a "crazy love" could be less stable and reliable. And I see his point. But that rational argument doesn't make me FEEL any better.

 

It can really get your brain in a twist thinking about this too much. At this point I have no answers!

[CherryT]

I can only speak for myself and my own relationship... when we decided that we wanted to settle down, it wasn't because we were together for long enough and it was just the reasonable thing to do. We are very compatible in all ways, not just personal interest and personality, but also our work ethic in our careers and how we take responsibility for the life we want to build.

 

There are a lot of shared goals we are both very excited to accomplish together. We are on the same page with our investments, careers, travel, children, and how we see our marriage. We have always been very giving in our relationship... So I never feel as though I'm not #1 and neither does he. It's the small things that we try and remember to do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and the consideration we have for each other goes a really long way. We know there are up's and down's in relationships, as all couples will go through it. But we have always been committed to communication and being supportive. We have a high level of respect for one another (which is something I struggled with with my ex). My fiance would never throw me under the bus and neither would I. And above all, we both have a lot of fun. We both make each other laugh like nobody else can... and we enjoy it! We genuinely are amazing friends and whether we're in a group with my friends or his friends, it's always just fun. I don't think relationships have to be "meh". You choose that or you don't. I wouldn't stay in a relationship, let alone consider marrying someone, if it was stale and mediocre.

 

So I guess to answer your question... it wasn't the thought of it being the "right or reasonable" thing to do. It just felt right... If that makes a difference? We were never the "dating around" type. We both had 1 previous LTR prior to each other and we know exactly what kind of relationship/partner we wanted. We're both also very independent and self sufficient... both own our homes. So we aren't together because we need to be but because we want to be. I see a lot of couples that do get married because they rely on each other and the relationship becomes more of a "need" to stay together rather than both people proactively wanting it. I know my fiance is a good man and will be a great husband and father. I do my best to put as much effort I can into our relationship and it's always appreciated. I think couples get into lul's when things become routine and the effort starts to weaken.

 

We're just excited about getting married and what we can accomplish as partners and future parents. We're excited about our future and what we're building together and working towards the things we want to experience.

Edited September 12, 2013 by CherryT

[CherryT]

This is the definitely the issue on my mind right now.

 

My boyfriend is trying to get me to settle down with him - and I'm ready to settle down.

 

The problem is - I've always felt crazy about him, but I don't feel like he's crazy about me. He's admitted he thinks "crazy love" is the stuff of movies and teenage fantasies, and says it's not something he's felt, and not something he aspires to feeling. He's the strong, stoic, silent type, an exceedingly pragmatic guy in all matters, but I'm not sure I can ever truly get on board with his pragmatic approach to love.

 

He has recently said similar things to what kiss_andmakeup mentioned: "My life is better with you in it. I've never made more positive changes in my life than I have while I've been with you. You've taught me how to enjoy life. I'm a better person because of you."

 

I've been in one relationship in my mid-20s where we were mutually crazy about each other. I've also had a couple of relationships where the guy seemed crazy about me, but I didn't feel that intensity for him.

 

I've tried to narrow down what the difference between comfortable love and crazy love is. I think what it comes down to is the way you treat the other person. I think when you're crazy about someone, you're naturally more thoughtful, more motivated to please, and all that good stuff. So when my boyfriend is thoughtless and not that motivated to please, I feel hurt, let down, and sad.

 

He makes the argument that his love will be a stable and enduring one, whereas a "crazy love" could be less stable and reliable. And I see his point. But that rational argument doesn't make me FEEL any better.

 

It can really get your brain in a twist thinking about this too much. At this point I have no answers!

 

I think he could be "crazy in love" with you, but communicates that in different ways. I didn't believe it at first, because it was on TV... but I do see the legitimacy in love languages now. There was a portion of a psyc class I went to years ago that the professor spoke about love languages and what it means to couples.

 

Two people could be crazy in love. One of the people in the relationship communicates and receives love in verbal affirmation. While the other, will identify and receive it in physical actions or gestures. If these are not identified, then one or both of the people in a relationship could start to feel unfulfilled - even though their partner is head over heals in love. Just doesn't show it the same way.

 

My fiance is a verbal communicator, but I like small gestures. He leaves me love notes around the house. Just because he knows that makes me smile. It's not his primary way of showing affection, but he understands that I value gestures like that more than flowers or gifts. It's about making the effort, because it really doesn't take much, to make your partner feel loved.

[Radu]

I seem to remember an article written by some feminist about settling for Mr. Good Enough ... you might want to google for it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think he could be "crazy in love" with you, but communicates that in different ways. I didn't believe it at first, because it was on TV... but I do see the legitimacy in love languages now. There was a portion of a psyc class I went to years ago that the professor spoke about love languages and what it means to couples.

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have taken a look at the 5 love languages, and it does seem to me that we prioritize them differently. I think that for him, the most important ways to show love are acts of service, gifts, and quality time. Those are important to me, too, but I'd rate my top 3 words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time.

 

For example, he just gave me the most extravagant birthday gift I've ever gotten, though still very practical: a new couch that we spent the afternoon picking out together. His idea! He asked me what I wanted, and I said some chocolate, bubble bath, or a cute nightgown would be great. He scoffed at those "silly things" and suggested a new couch, something I could really use that would last years.

 

I very much appreciate the gift, but overall, I'd rather have more I love yous, more sweetness, and less things.

[Sanman]

I guess it really depends on what to mean by settling. As I hit the three decade mark, love seems a bit of a different concept to me than it did before. Some may think I am settling, but I question those who do not think they are settling in some way. I love her sense of humor, silliness, and our ability to laugh together through anything. She had a gorgeous face with amazing eyes and the cutest voice. She is the first partner I have found to be truly stable and supportive instead of having one foot out the door with her own goals. We share a culture, have similar goals to start a family, similar fiscal values, and I she will be an amazing mom. Would I mind if she stayed on the skinnier side all the time, wasn't so OCD about certain things, and didn't have bad allergy problems? Sure. Just like I am sure She would not mind if I could stay in grat shape all the time, did not have my medical issues, and was not a slob at times.

 

Overall, I have dated a good number of women. Some have been better looking, some have been more compatible in other ways, and some have been worse on both categories. Overall, she is the best package I have found in one person. I think we are at least 80% of each others' ideal mate. Though, what AMusing said definitely resonates with me. I don't know if there is a correct answer though and I think settling depends on your perspective.

 

It is similar to finding a job long term. Do you choose the job that makes you happiest even though it pays peanuts? Do you take te highest paying position though it may make you miserable? Or do you find a happy medium? I found my happy medium.

[Sanman]

I seem to remember an article written by some feminist about settling for Mr. Good Enough ... you might want to google for it.

 

Lori Gottleib. It was an Atlantic article that turned into a book.

[CherryT]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have taken a look at the 5 love languages, and it does seem to me that we prioritize them differently. I think that for him, the most important ways to show love are acts of service, gifts, and quality time. Those are important to me, too, but I'd rate my top 3 words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time.

 

For example, he just gave me the most extravagant birthday gift I've ever gotten, though still very practical: a new couch that we spent the afternoon picking out together. His idea! He asked me what I wanted, and I said some chocolate, bubble bath, or a cute nightgown would be great. He scoffed at those "silly things" and suggested a new couch, something I could really use that would last years.

 

I very much appreciate the gift, but overall, I'd rather have more I love yous, more sweetness, and less things.

 

I hope I'm not imposing because I'm just someone on a public forum and I take what others post with face value and just try and exchange words of encouragement or suggestions.

 

In my last relationship there was a lack of respect. My ex didn't understand that sometimes you can do things that make your partner happy, especially if it's no sweat off their own backs. Such as your birthday... I completely understand his gesture and wanting to ensure that you have a gift that was something you needed and something you could use. But it's kind of like getting a vacuum for your birthday. It's not necessarily the gift itself, but how he scoffed at your "silly suggestion", when it was something you'd appreciate on your birthday.

 

In my case, my relationship became a ball of resentment and he was stubborn. It wasn't what ended the relationship, but it was the catalyst of how our bond started to disintegrate. I was incapable of accepting that "that's just the way he is" because I'm the kind of person who will do things or go out of my way just to show I care. And he was incapable of going out of his way or to consider how I feel appreciated, because "he just didn't do it like that". I learned (after a long and painful relationship) that you can't change someone. They have to want to do it and if they do it unwillingly, they will resent you.

 

My relationship now is completely opposite. My fiance goes out of his way to write letters to me, because he knows I love written communication. He surprises me at least once a week. It was uncomfortable for him because he's never written down his feelings, but he sees how happy it makes me. I hate football, but I will spend a morning in the kitchen making snacks and treats for my fiance and his friends because he loves football. It's not something we both are primarily would do, but because we understand how we appreciate these things, we put the effort into it.

[Ruby Slippers]

In my last relationship there was a lack of respect. My ex didn't understand that sometimes you can do things that make your partner happy, especially if it's no sweat off their own backs. Such as your birthday... I completely understand his gesture and wanting to ensure that you have a gift that was something you needed and something you could use. But it's kind of like getting a vacuum for your birthday. It's not necessarily the gift itself, but how he scoffed at your "silly suggestion", when it was something you'd appreciate on your birthday.

Yes! Thank you!! He said he wasn't going to get me something I was just going to "pour down the drain". And I said, "But one of my rare guilty pleasures is nice bubble bath. You have no idea how HAPPY it makes me. Who else would I want to give me bubble bath other than my man?" He still didn't get it.

 

I was incapable of accepting that "that's just the way he is" because I'm the kind of person who will do things or go out of my way just to show I care. And he was incapable of going out of his way or to consider how I feel appreciated, because "he just didn't do it like that". I learned (after a long and painful relationship) that you can't change someone. They have to want to do it and if they do it unwillingly, they will resent you.

Yes, same exact situation.

 

I appreciate your comments. Very insightful