AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I don't. I just expect not to be ignored when I do contact him, and on certain occasions where it would be civil to say something. But we are both married and have jobs and lives. In the beginning we had daily contact and it went on for almost 4 months. I look back on it like I was almost drunk during that time. It had to stop. We don't talk daily. Not in 'affair' mode. We see each other several times a week in social situations though. I assume its different for single OW/OM ? And I assume some married women expected a full on emotional daily contact type relationship? I am ok being on the side. He's on the side too.
TooAttached Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I am a MOW and have LC now but just because I felt he was pulling away. But during several months, yes I expected daily contact. Now that I no longer have that, I miss him and feel empty if I don't keep myself very busy. If I get an email, even if strictly business related, I get so happy again. But I sure miss those days of texting for hours. I think my H is happier lately with me seemingly being more present, but on the inside I'm still not.
randomwoman Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I pretty much expect daily contact unless there is a situation like vacation out of town with no wifi/etc. I've had a hard time with this EA. We are both married but are inexperienced daters. I find myself wanting to control him. Currently, he typically will warn me in advance if he will be unavailable for a day or so and I do the same. We have a very immature/clingy/weird relationship and have for a couple of years.
bentleychic Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Yes and it's non-negotiable, no matter what or where he is, even on vacation. It only takes a few seconds to call or text to tell someone you love them, even if you can't talk long. 2
WrinkledForehead Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 At this point in our relationship, yes. We established early on that he very much enjoys a good morning text, and I very much enjoy a good night text. Since he hasn't been seeing her in the evenings, I typically talk to him via phone call after my evening is wrapped up and when I'm enjoying a nightcap. We usually contact each other every couple hours every day. He's leaving the country for 1 1/2 weeks tomorrow to go on vacation with his parents. We've established that we'll email every day while he's away since calling and texting from overseas would be ridiculously expensive. 1
cocorico Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 We were in constant contact unless either of us was in a meeting, so yes, it was expected. 1
ComingInHot Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 The expectant daily even hourly contact is what got exOW the Most angry (I think)*. I mean it started out w/every other call text from me to her and back. My H enjoyed the attention... Then it became a habit, then tiresome, then he ended it. It was on my daughter's B-day that she called and I answered the phone. She asked for H. I said sure, may I tell him who's calling, she gave me her name. I gave phone to my H. That was at the end from what she told me. H said by then he was had ended it w/the "just friends" line but that day was a HUGE Reality check for him... She repeated over and over that he Should have stayed In Contact daily, even as "friends". Weird to me.
C00kie Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Here's what I would do if I ever was to have an affair with someone I loved, or thought I loved, but for some reason couldn't leave my husband straight away: I would try to make the AP feel loved and obviously that would include contacting him daily - even if it was just an e-mail or sms. Contacting him only when it suited me would be disrespectful to say the least. There are ways of keeping in touch if you really want to,and even when you can't really talk, but some people are better than others when it comes to handling circumstances. Obviously, if one or 2 days go by and the MM/OW doesn't contact you, it's not something to go crazy over, specially if you know the person is commited to someone else. Nevertheless, if his(her) feelings for you are real, he/she will try to contact you whenever possible. My MM doesn't really contact me much when she's around, or, if he does, it's a very brief message on facebook. I kind of understand that but, on the other hand, he's just avoiding conflict, keeping things at peace with me AND her. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 In my opinion yes daily contact is nice, but its unsustainable if you have jobs and lives. No not because it takes long to send a text but because how do you stay focused on daily tasks when you are obsessing about receiving or sending each other messages and then basking in the glow after receiving one? For us, it works better to miss one another a bit and not talk everyday. It's not a normal relationship. Was he my boyfriend sure I would want daily contact. I expect it from my husband but not my man on the side.
MissBee Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 In my opinion yes daily contact is nice, but its unsustainable if you have jobs and lives. No not because it takes long to send a text but because how do you stay focused on daily tasks when you are obsessing about receiving or sending each other messages and then basking in the glow after receiving one? For us, it works better to miss one another a bit and not talk everyday. It's not a normal relationship. Was he my boyfriend sure I would want daily contact. I expect it from my husband but not my man on the side. Well you don't have to be obsessed about it, although it seems many people speak of it in an obsessive way, like "constant contact" or they want to control the person etc. But I do get you on missing one another a bit and seeing things differently because he's your OM. I think being married yourself also affects your expectations and may be different from what the single OW expects, which often is for MM to be exactly like an unmarried bf.
bentleychic Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 It's not a normal relationship. Was he my boyfriend sure I would want daily contact. I expect it from my husband but not my man on the side. I wonder if that makes the difference? That you have a spouse and he's just your "man on the side"? For me, he's the only one that I'm in a relationship with. I'm not controlling, but I feel like if you truly care about someone, actions speak louder than words and talking or texting at least once a day is not asking too much from someone that professes to love you. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 My MM and I have daily phone contact, my phone has a counter and I think the least we have been in contact was a day he was away, we exchanged 40 or so texts throughout the day... The average day we exchange between 80-150 text/calls, we see eachother at least twice a week, usually 4-5times, we live very close so somedays we meet for a morning coffee, than later for a hike or something like that. Before I was with him I never owned a cell phone, lol. People used to laugh at that, never in my 30yrs had a need for one, even work I managed via landlines/email/meetings, etc. So I was anti-cell, just didnt like how detached from reality it makes some people seem, didnt wanna become that. MM suggested and took me phone shopping, as he said we dont get to spend enough time together, so we share various parts of our days via cell phone. Anyways, yeah, if he were to not contact me for a whole day for no extremely good reason, I would be angry and heartbroken.
LilGirlandOW Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Like Bentley, I'm a (S)OW. If he, my MM, didnt make our A feel like a real R, like how I feel it is, or he slacked in making real R effort, I wouldnt be able to stick around.... But here is where my A dynamic may be different than some, MM placed more weight on our A being his primary romantic R than I did in the begining, it took me longer to accept things, and he really has in our year made amazing effort to be emotionally by my side all the time, and physically by my side when he's not working or spending time with his kids. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Yes, I'm not saying daily contact isn't nice. But if both parties want to keep their marriages or work on them or not get caught its essential to keep feelings in check. Daily communication made us craaaazy and yes the word obsessed was used to describe us both separately. People have said that's a married man line.. To say by has to pull back to protect feelings, and that may be true for some and partially true for mine even. But I am around him a lot. The changes are very obvious when we have been talking every day. The breaks are good.
bentleychic Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I don't think taking 10 seconds to type a text is too much to ask at all. He doesn't call when he's at home (if she's there) or with him and I wouldn't expect him to. 2
sweet_pea Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) I don't think taking 10 seconds to type a text is too much to ask at all. He doesn't call when he's at home (if she's there) or with him and I wouldn't expect him to. Nevermind, don't bother answering that. Edited September 12, 2013 by sweet_pea
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I don't think taking 10 seconds to type a text is too much to ask at all. He doesn't call when he's at home (if she's there) or with him and I wouldn't expect him to. It really isn't the amount of time it takes as in that every communication means you are thinking and focused on each other and we couldn't sustain our separate lives like that. I think if he's professing love and saying he will leave his wife for you that's a different situation entirely.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 What did people do before cell phones?:o:o That's exactly what my AP says!! He wants THAT kind of affair.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 How do feel about your husband? I feel like he should pay more attention to me. Ridiculous as that might sound that's all I really want and be knows it. They each give me different things and I mean emotionally an yes OM fills sexual needs too. I love my husband but maybe not like I should.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 No, you need that to cure your insecurity and your thirst for validation. Yes I probably would need that to cure it.. But I'm ok with this. I went crazy with daily contact, I don't need it daily.
Sunshinegrl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 No. I don't expect daily contact. Of course we did at first, but it became emotionally overwhelming. I couldn't function as well at work or at home. Assuming you are both married, you both have to find a happy medium that allows you to invest into this new relationship and concurrently be present within the marital home and that relationship. Hard to do when you are falling in love, but necessary to avoid a d-day.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 And if he were to tell you no? If he were to tell you that he will not be in contact while on vacation with his family? Then what? I was referring to attention from my husband there.. I DON'T expect daily contact from OM. In fact if he was on a family vacation or with his kids I would be taken a little aback if be contacted me too much..he's a great dad and I would be turned off if he was choosing me over his kids I think. I'm married. I have kids, I know what that's like.
bentleychic Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Well thing is, when he is suppose to be on vacation with his kids, then I don't think he should be in contact. Kind of pisses on the family vacation if he does. His kids are grown adults and do not go on vacations with him. His vacations are normally guys trips away hunting or fishing so W isn't at many of them, either.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I believe that if more people were honest with them selves as much as possible about what is really happening there would be so much less confusion and heart ache. I get upset at times too, I hate feeling confused about his feelings and sometimes I am. But we said from the start .. No saying, I love you.. Even if we felt it, and we won't leave our marriages. It keeps it in perspective. At least a little. It's an affair. Not a regular relationship I understand some people believe they are leaving their marriages.. And some people are lied to, but I think most often, if a guy is going to leave.. He would have left.. So be honest with yourself about what it is, and it hurts less. 1
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