RiceaRoni Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Lately I feel as if I'm not good enough for a guy. I bust my butt with guys that seem interested in me and vice versa and in the end they wither leave or find new girl material. I don't know if its me. I don't know if I have problems or issues or if it's them. It hurts and I'm constantly being hurt and I'm tired of it. At this point I see myself alone for a very very long time. My standards have always been high and I don't even know if they're realistic. The most recent guy..one who's constantly given up on me did nothing but complain about my high standards and that I was and am prude do to my choices at still wanting to be a virgin. It's so frustrating because I honestly don't know of it really is me. Or them.
MrCastle Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 It's so frustrating because I honestly don't know if it really is me. Or them. Most likely a combo of both but we'd need more info to determine what the issue is here.
Author RiceaRoni Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I just have no motivation to date anymore...as if I've given up on love altogether. Love is so frustrating and hurtful. I'm tired of being constantly hurt and left. I think the best thing for me is to stay sIngle...at least for a couple of years. I need to be on my own. Because lately I'm done with dealing with guys. It's complicated and I'm emotionally exhausted.
nescafe1982 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 After your last post, I think maybe your standards are too low, actually. Don't get yourself down about flaky guys. Just learn to recognize flakes and stop dating them. 1
MrCastle Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I just have no motivation to date anymore...as if I've given up on love altogether. Love is so frustrating and hurtful. I'm tired of being constantly hurt and left. I think the best thing for me is to stay sIngle...at least for a couple of years. I need to be on my own. Because lately I'm done with dealing with guys. It's complicated and I'm emotionally exhausted. You need to be happy with yourself and your life. Happy with who you are. It sounds like you're looking for happiness in other people and that is never good. 4
Author RiceaRoni Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Most likely a combo of both but we'd need more info to determine what the issue is here. Every guy I'm so far tried dating has all had emotional baggage from the past and I've tried to help them get passed it. It's difficult because I would constantly be felt like I was being punished by what their exes did to them or them bringing up the past and telling me how poorly they were treated and if I had made a mistake their ex made....war happened and it would be brought up and they'd become angry over it. It's like being a punching bag for them and yet I don't know if I blame myself for sometimes making a similar mistake their ex made or if it's all on them.
Jadedbyluv Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I've been there. I know how you have felt. Dating is difficult. Nothing is wrong with you. You're just not compatible. Someone will come along and appreciate all of you. 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I don't know about "single for a couple years," but take some time after this recent breakup, once it stops hurting, to appraise what you want in a man and how to find it. We can't find the perfect man, but we can learn from our mistakes. Your biggest mistake is getting in deep with a man who is emotionally unavailable to you and (this is my opinion) is immature. For now, be kind and patient with yourself, stop the negative self-talk (it doesn't help anything), and give yourself time to heal. You can do a post-mortem on your relationships AFTER the pain goes away. Best wishes out there. 1
MrCastle Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Every guy I'm so far tried dating has all had emotional baggage from the past and I've tried to help them get passed it.[/Quote] That's an issue. You're supposed to be their date, not their therapist. Don't look for broken dudes. It's difficult because I would constantly be felt like I was being punished by what their exes did to them or them bringing up the past and telling me how poorly they were treated and if I had made a mistake their ex made....war happened and it would be brought up and they'd become angry over it. It's like being a punching bag for them and yet I don't know if I blame myself for sometimes making a similar mistake their ex made or if it's all on them. It's on them for treating you like crap, and it's on you for tolerating it. 1
Tethys Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) I don't know about "single for a couple years," but take some time after this recent breakup, once it stops hurting, to appraise what you want in a man and how to find it. We can't find the perfect man, but we can learn from our mistakes. Your biggest mistake is getting in deep with a man who is emotionally unavailable to you and (this is my opinion) is immature. For now, be kind and patient with yourself, stop the negative self-talk (it doesn't help anything), and give yourself time to heal. You can do a post-mortem on your relationships AFTER the pain goes away. Best wishes out there. Also consider focusing on how good a potential friendship you could have with the next guy as I think the best relationships have a great friendship at their core. Maybe that would take some if the pressure off while focusing on something that really matters. Have you considered online dating? eHarmony and ChristianMingle might be good for someone that's religious. I used eharmony a few years ago and dated a lot of cool women. There was only chemistry with 2 or 3 if them but I had something in common with almost all of them and usually had really nice dates with all but one of those I net. There's really something to the way they match your personality traits. A female friend of mine said she wasn't attracted to any of her matches but she's also one of my odder friends to begin with. I also agree that you might want to take some time to heal a bit before you take another cracked at it. Edited September 18, 2013 by Tethys
carhill Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 OP, for balance, take a look at the men you are rejecting and examine why, the standards involved, and the relevance to the results from the men you are accepting/choosing. Secondly, you're extremely young, just over 18. IMO, view guys as a fun, but not necessary, part of your young adulthood. There's plenty of time for meeting 'good guys'. No rush. There's no 'sell by date' on your virginity. Good luck. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Eh,...Theyre all good til they go bad.... You'll be fine grasshopper...Just take a man(boy) break for a while..Re evaluate things and realize you dont need that crap right now...Focus on school and family for a while.. TFY 1
Author RiceaRoni Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 OP, for balance, take a look at the men you are rejecting and examine why, the standards involved, and the relevance to the results from the men you are accepting/choosing. Secondly, you're extremely young, just over 18. IMO, view guys as a fun, but not necessary, part of your young adulthood. There's plenty of time for meeting 'good guys'. No rush. There's no 'sell by date' on your virginity. Good luck. Yeah this is true. It just seems every guy I've met has some serious baggage from the past that it looks like they haven't or never really got over. I didn't want to have a relationship with this last guy that left me, because I saw how damaged he still was and the emotional problems he had. I would hang out with him at his house and he would cry..about how he was abused and what his exes did to him and how terrible he's been treated...so I knew something was wrong there, plus it got annoying after a while and it stressed me out to comfortable him when we were suppose to be having fun and hanging out. Note that this guy is 23 going on 24. So I thought he'd be mature enough and be strong emotionally.i just wanted friendship with him, but he wanted more and began to really show me theough his actions so i decided to give him a chance because i believe that everyone deserves one, and it just ended up a mess and here I am now.
Author RiceaRoni Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 And this last guy really knew how to treat a woman physically and was very affectionate, but just he himself was meshed up and it just seemed like he didn't know what he wanted. He was very fickle with me and would give up on me and then come back, want to be friends and then change his mind in the same day. Or we would disagree on something minor and he would take it out of proportions and leave me telling me I was stressing him out and if we did have a disagreement not even an arguement, he would bring up past disagreements we had I to a current one and make it worse. It would make me upset that he would bring up old things or rehash past disagreements we had and had gotten over into a present one and we would essentially be arguing over old and new topics until he would "give up" on me and I myself had to fight to keep it together. I dunno it was more stressful on myself and he blamed me for just about everything.
Babolat Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Try to figure out why you need a man in your life. Really, dig deep, do some introspection, see a counselor maybe. Try to identify a pattern in the men you are attracted to, and the ones attracte to you. You put off energy, they feel it, same for them. Figure that out. I can tell you from experience, taking a 6+ month break has done wonders for me and I am attracting healthier people now.
hppr Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 And this last guy really knew how to treat a woman physically and was very affectionate, but just he himself was meshed up and it just seemed like he didn't know what he wanted. He was very fickle with me and would give up on me and then come back, want to be friends and then change his mind in the same day. Or we would disagree on something minor and he would take it out of proportions and leave me telling me I was stressing him out and if we did have a disagreement not even an arguement, he would bring up past disagreements we had I to a current one and make it worse. It would make me upset that he would bring up old things or rehash past disagreements we had and had gotten over into a present one and we would essentially be arguing over old and new topics until he would "give up" on me and I myself had to fight to keep it together. I dunno it was more stressful on myself and he blamed me for just about everything. I've dated the female version of that guy. Honestly sounds to me like you have some unrealistic ideas about dating. The simplest way I can put it is that relationships are like friendships with an extra edge so if you are dating a guy to whom you are attracted...but you don't have anything in common, you can't see yourself being 'friends' with him...then don't expect anything beyond say 2-6months worth of on and off dating. Maybe a year if you stick it out. What you want is someone who is emotionally stable and after the same things as you are. Oftentimes this means going on several ho-hum dates with all sorts of different guys until you meet someone you really click with. 1
Author RiceaRoni Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) Try to figure out why you need a man in your life. Really, dig deep, do some introspection, see a counselor maybe. Try to identify a pattern in the men you are attracted to, and the ones attracte to you. You put off energy, they feel it, same for them. Figure that out. I can tell you from experience, taking a 6+ month break has done wonders for me and I am attracting healthier people now. It's not that I need a man... I honestly don't, I've always been independent of myself, but when a man shows interest it's nice..especially if we have many things in common and I can talk to him easily without having to trying and impress him...and Im not saying I don't reject guys..I have, but when I can have a nice intellectual conversation with one and talk about the same things..it definitely peaks my interest If I were to say I need a man then I need a man who is supportive of me, respects my beliefs, a man who will actually stay with me and not give up, and if we do argue we can figure out solutions and fix the problem and then put it in the past. A man who's affectionate and knows how to treat a woman physically and emotionally. If I need a man I need him to make me feel like I'm secure and that I have that security and don't have worry about him being a flake or worry if he's going to hang out with a female friend he's slept with. I would also need a guy that could like the same things I do so we never lose conversation or have completely different tastes. A guy who I could easily have a conversation with and he'd listen and take it in. Edited September 18, 2013 by RiceaRoni
Mr.Mango Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Sounds like you're having trouble with a big 2 part concept. Essentially that: 1. Dating fulfills your (subconscious) desire for companionship and physical attention, but can, and often will, incur or result in emotional pain. 2. Being single will result in some discomfort (subconscious again I'm afraid), but can result in better solitary happiness and emotional stability. So you sort of need to evaluate what aspects are most important to you. Based on your previous relationships, I'd say you have put your desire for companionship before your own happiness and emotional stability, which has resulted in emotional pain. Obviously you're not too happy with this, so maybe switch it up for a while, and see how that works. 1
carhill Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 OP, take that excellent description of your impressions of your last relationship and the young man and compare it to your impressions of the young men whom you have rejected for similar relations. As you are a virgin, no genital sex is involved, so relations, comparatively, are relatively platonic in action, if with romantic overtones, so comparison can be more easily made. If you're consistently picking men who turn out to be unhealthy for you, you're picking them, generally from amongst the subset of all men defined by those who approach you, presuming you do not pursue men yourself. Take a hard look at why you choose some and reject others, presuming you want to work this issue. My advice continues to be to focus on education, experiencing life and enjoying your youth. Good luck. 1
MikeJones88 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 You create your own outcome. You're attracted to douche bags.
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