psm04 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I got flustered, and said yes, but I'll probably have to back out. He has been saying hi to me at work every day. I just don't know the right way to say no. Clearly he has not understood or has chosen to ignore all the times when I told him how hurt I was, or that I was emotionally exhausted, or that I wanted to do the right thing. That itself is proof that he isn't caring about me as much as making him feel better(not what a friend would do). I know for sure that nothing inappropriate will happen between us if we do go to lunch. That's over for me. The problem is that I feel like me going will make it seem like I'm leaving that door open, and it makes me look weak and not serious about my words. If it were any other person, I'd love to hear about their life, and help them with issues, etc. But I do not want to be that person who is there to make him feel better constantly, while hurting in the process. The last time I was out with him and coworkers, he ruined the whole thing for me by bringing up his wife in conversations. Completely uncaring. Any ideas on how I can be clear about not wanting to go to lunch unless it's with a group of people without sounding bitc**y?
Author psm04 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I wanted to add and say that I'm not looking for any type of validation from him, and I don't really take anything he says as sweet or genuine anymore. I don't want to start the EA or PA. I want to have my little world with my H. I just don't know how to make it clear to xomm that I can't just pretend like we are buddies, when we are not. If he can't tell his wife that he went to lunch with me, then it's not appropriate.
Lillyfree Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I wanted to add and say that I'm not looking for any type of validation from him, and I don't really take anything he says as sweet or genuine anymore. I don't want to start the EA or PA. I want to have my little world with my H. I just don't know how to make it clear to xomm that I can't just pretend like we are buddies, when we are not. If he can't tell his wife that he went to lunch with me, then it's not appropriate. you can just tell him what you've said here. you don't owe him anything, and should be clear and to the point as to where you stand. would you be able to tell your H that you went to lunch with him? 2
Author psm04 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Ideas on how to get out of lunch? Say NO. But, you cannot do that because you are afraid to make him lose interest in you. No, this has been a personality flaw of mine. I feel guilty for everything, and I have let all sorts of people, including xomm and my family walk over me because of it. I'm not afraid of him losing interest. I've lost interest already. Maybe part of me is afraid because if I say no, I might have to really face the truth, meaning, realize that he was always just talking to me to get something out of it. He might completely stop talking, and it will make me feel even more used and cheap. And I don't want to go through the hurt again. I've been doing good with the healing. It has nothing to do with me wanting his admiration.
Author psm04 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 would you be able to tell your H that you went to lunch with him? I told my husband about the interaction. He also thinks that I shouldn't go to lunch. I know that I probably won't go. I always end up getting hurt. It was only a matter of time before I felt cheap, even when we were just talking. I just don't know how to say it. I'm upset that he seems to blatantly ignore the pain I've gone through.
Author psm04 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 If you go, order the most expensive item on the menu. Ha, he won't buy my lunch. He never has and I've never wanted him to. So can't do that lol
Lillyfree Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 you'll be amazed how truly liberating is to tell people to their face what exactly it is that you feel and think about them. and you know, realising that he wanted just one thing, that he thought you cheap, isn't so bad. because that's when you'll be able to break whatever it is that's going on at the moment and truly start to heal. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 "Thanks for the invitation to lunch, but no thanks." It is that simple. You do not owe him an explanation as to why at all so do NOT offer one. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I told my husband about the interaction. He also thinks that I shouldn't go to lunch. I know that I probably won't go. I always end up getting hurt. It was only a matter of time before I felt cheap, even when we were just talking. I just don't know how to say it. I'm upset that he seems to blatantly ignore the pain I've gone through. No 'probably'. DO NOT go. I don't understand why you're having an issue just saying no thanks, or what I suggested in my other reply. He doesn't care about your pain. Sorry to be blunt but he is detached and it isn't on his mind. He's a jerk and not worthy of your pain or tears, so please stop stressing out about this and just tell him no! Who cares what he thinks or how he feels with you rejecting his offer. 1
MissBee Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 It doesn't matter if you seem bitchy. I'm trying to break out of the habit myself, but it's hard esp for women who are socialized to be nicey-nicey and sweet, to be firm. Women being firm, having boundaries and saying no is almost always spun as them being bitchy but men can say no and have boundaries and they're considered headstrong for it. Declining to go to lunch with your ex-affair partner isn't being bitchy and even if he thinks so...so what? Like what will be the difference if he thinks so? Unless as Pierre says, you don't want him to lose interest in you so you fear running him off by saying no. He's not even paying for lunch, so even more of a reason to decline his offer. 2
Wambo Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 psm04 do you have any close friends at work? I don't know what your working situation is like but it sounds like you need constant support. At the moment your ex Ap is emotionally wearing you down to get his own way. However if you got a friend on your side, she can back you up, someone to talk to and she can speak on your behalf. At the moment it's crucial you don't feel isolated because this is how he's able to control you. 1
tiernan Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 psm, why wouldn't you want to sound bitchy? You have all the right to be. Just say "no, thank you" or "have not time, have to run". It is easy. 1
ConcreteHeart Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I agree with Tiernan. You do not need to worry about how it appears. Follow your gut. If it feels "off" to you it is. If you want to be polite, just say "Thanks for the invitation, but I won"t be able to make it." That's it. On a side note, I'm pretty happy that the exMM will never contact me, so I never have to worry about being polite:D 1
trailrunner1975 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I say return his disrespect and leave him hanging. You owe him nothing. I would not waste a single second addressing anything with him. 1
legalgirl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I hate how even when we aren't with these guys they still seem to have a control on our thoughts and feelings and make US feel guilty!!!! Ok so maybe the anger is starting to set in! 1
Author psm04 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Everyone is right. And as legalgirl said, it is frustrating why I'm feeling guilty, and how he can just ignore everything I said about not wanting to feel hurt. I'm working on the guilt thing with my therapist. I shouldn't, especially in this situation. Saying no is hard, but I'm going to have to say it and deal with the ramifications. Maybe it won't hurt so bad. I have learned to not expect anything from him, and also assume that he wants something out of me and that's why he talks. I refuse to get back into that hellish nightmare, only to feel like dirt later. I respect myself more, and it is time that I put myself first. 1
Author psm04 Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Despite some of my harsh remarks i have to tell you i admired you a lot. Not many women can do what you are doing right now. Stopping an affair in this manner is extremely difficult and i wanted you to make sure I see you as a great woman on her way to a higher level of greatness. Your desire for validation is the way you are and to change will require a heroic effort. I wish your H could help you in this journey. Your OM is not worthy. Thank you, Pierre!! I ended up telling him I wasn't going to go. That led to a few minutes of conversation, but I hope I pretty much made it clear that I have no intention of getting back into all that in any way. My H has been great with me and my issues of self esteem and feeling guilty. He keeps me motivated to stay out of the A 4
Calcmag Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Thank you, Pierre!! I ended up telling him I wasn't going to go. That led to a few minutes of conversation, but I hope I pretty much made it clear that I have no intention of getting back into all that in any way. My H has been great with me and my issues of self esteem and feeling guilty. He keeps me motivated to stay out of the A Well done psm ! 1
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