BarOfButter Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 My ex was: - controlling - insecure - jealous - quick to anger - left me multiple times to pursue other guys - Verbally abusive - Self Centered and self serving And yet I took her back in a heartbeat when she wanted to continue the relationship. I still want her back after this last break up even though my brain tells me she's toxic. Every friend of mine in real life would tell me to break it off. If a friend of mine had the exact same situation I'd tell him to break it off. I can't imagine a life without her and I dream of me holding her again. I still miss her even though us getting back together would have her hurting me all over again. Why does the human emotion think like this? That it wants to get back together with those that hurt us over and over again? That its hard to maintain NC? It seems so confusing and frustrating, if only there was a button we could push to not care about them anymore! 1
Waz Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Many factors I think it's because of your ego (well not yours exactly, generally speaking). You can't accept the fact that someone will left you for another person. And you confuse that, with the love you think you are feeling. So you want them back. Other reason is, that this person is familiar with you. Meeting a new person and learning their character from the beginning it's exhausting,it needs time (and these times, time has big value) so you return back to whats familiar with you, you choose the easy solution. It's kind of a habit. Other than that, it's up to you. You may be needy and you attach very easily etc. Maybe you couldn't find anything else that time. And others. So many factors, but the first ones i stated, i think are the most important, if you are a healthy person.
StrongLass Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Why do we still want to be with those who hurt us? Because part of being human means we're all broken in one way or another and for some of us that means we want to save something bad even though we shouldn't and (hopefully) can't.
amaysngrace Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Why do you love someone who treats you like crap? What part of your mind thinks that's okay?
todreaminblue Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I think it's because of your ego (well not yours exactly, generally speaking). You can't accept the fact that someone will left you for another person. And you confuse that, with the love you think you are feeling. So you want them back. I accepted that he left me for another woman.....what i didnt accept was the way he left, he should have ended it with me before sleeping with someone else and he should have given me time to prepare the girls for a break up to ease them in so less damage was done there were many reasons i thought about going back ....reuniting the family was a priority ...... the fact it was fifteen years invested the fact no other guy has been closer to me....so i agree with the familiar thing you said..he knows of my sexual abuse.....my escort past and he accepted my flaws he also understood why things happeend the way they did..... we had a passionate relationship because he took it slow......i was able to let down my barriers and i truly trusted him we were friends for years before we got together...i thought i knew him but it is not an easy thing to go back......its not an easy thing to forgive someone who has really hurt you it is easier to hold on to pain and not forgive than forgive and let go of the pain...takes real strength....i took the easy route actually...i moved interstate to stay away and i have there are many reasons why people go back to people who have hurt them......none of them necessarily mean they have glaring character flaws or are needy .......i do think it has a lot to do with being familiar and the time issue....deb
tinker683 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I think its the fact that we don't want them back per se but that we want the feeling that we had when we were with them. It's a fantasy based conclusion, not a conclusion based on reality, on who they actually are. I mean, really, these people took a good long look at us and said, "You're not worth it" and therefore decided to end things with us or, worse, cheat on us and betray us. Objectively speaking, it takes a special kind of self loathing to want someone who doesn't want you. But the memory of who they were before, the feeling we had at the beginning when we were with them....that's a extremely compelling thing but something we need to realize is gone and over. These people decide we weren't good enough for them, so my attitude is that we ought to find someone who does. 1
PR08 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 And yet I took her back in a heartbeat when she wanted to continue the relationship... I can't imagine a life without her... Hate to say it, but she has no respect for you because you have no self-worth. That's why she has jumped in and out of relationships with you.
nadepsine Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 my lame excuse for opinion on this may be that some people, to some degree are masochists. Emotional masochists. Frankly, i think veryone understands this longing feeling. 2
Author BarOfButter Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I guess there's just lots of different reasons for different people, but some of the above comments does strike a cord. I feel like my instinctive side to still want her back is because I'm still remembering the good times (which was a long time ago and wouldn't be that often anyway), and just wanting to be loved back by someone I love. And the feeling of familiarity, no matter how much misery there was, I knew what was to come next or how predictable she was. Just the unknown of who may be out there after getting used to the thought of being with that person still makes is scary and undesirable. I really hope its not due to a feeling of low self esteem, but I'm doing my best every day to fight it with my logical side instead of this whole emotional I still want her back side. Any other thoughts? It brings a lot of clarity to the situation once I was able to dissect why our feelings are the way they are.
Lokie Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I think our human condition tries anything to avoid the emotional pain of a break-up, including assigning "magical qualities" to those that do not deserve them. Here is a quote I like and am trying to apply while I am dating: "My blinders are off. My denial is gone. I don't get excited about something that isn't there, something that's only a fantasy of what I would like. Instead I see what is really there." I keep this on my bathroom mirror as a reminder because our brains do a lot of funky things when our hearts are involved. Hope you are feeling whole again soon.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I would take M back if she had the nerve to plainly ask me for it (Rather than calling from a blocked number and hanging up when I say hello). Much as todreaminblue said, the investment of time and familiarity. We know each others dark sides yet for a good while that was ok. Then there is the bottom line reason for our break.... I graduated. Bottom line the reason for our separation is our going on to different places and stages.
todreaminblue Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 My ex was: - controlling - insecure - jealous - quick to anger - left me multiple times to pursue other guys - Verbally abusive - Self Centered and self serving And yet I took her back in a heartbeat when she wanted to continue the relationship. I still want her back after this last break up even though my brain tells me she's toxic. Every friend of mine in real life would tell me to break it off. If a friend of mine had the exact same situation I'd tell him to break it off. I can't imagine a life without her and I dream of me holding her again. I still miss her even though us getting back together would have her hurting me all over again. Why does the human emotion think like this? That it wants to get back together with those that hurt us over and over again? That its hard to maintain NC? It seems so confusing and frustrating, if only there was a button we could push to not care about them anymore! there is a button....its the button marked "you did this once before do you remember what happened, please do not repeat" .....deb 1
na49 Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I read somewhere that we fall in love with the person more after they hurt us. So when they rip out your heart and step on it, all we want is to be with them. It's actually a normal reaction. Being in love gives you a similar high to being on cocaine or something. So you could imagine how much of a wreck we become when the high is over.
Author BarOfButter Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 When the break up first happened (about six days ago) I felt broken and sick, and would have done anything to have her back even though she said horrible things about wanting to see other people. I felt like if I could go back in time I would have given her the ring just to make her stay. There was that fear of the unknown of my future since I had planned on being with her and the predictability of her actions in life. There was the wanting to feel loved from her even though I didn't get much affection from her in the last months of the relationship anyway. But I realized from her past break ups with me that there's more to life than just her. At first it felt like my life was over but there's my career and what I can do with my life. I still held on to that concept, and now its kind of coming into focus with this break up. I was able to do much more things with my life in these past 6 days with more freedom now that her controlling self isnt here to tell me no. I got two job interviews for careers that are far away from home, and I've applied to grad school. That's the biggest positive I'm focusing on to keep me from running back. That and the dont do it again or the same results will happen again button. There's really no positives to bank back on since she never wanted to see me or I'd be walking on eggshells all day long to keep her happy, doing whatever she wanted me to do. But my mind does wonder off to the better times long ago when she did care, appreciated me and listened to my opinions. But there's still the thought of "maybe she can change". What if she changes her mind, wants me back and would change to be the perfect girl to get back with me? Maybe my brain hasn't fully accepted the fact that its over and is living in denial and when it really hits me for real then I'll feel the real crash. I've been feeling less sad about this than I thought I would. I tried so hard to keep us to stay together and now that she broke it off, I'm not as desperate to get her back as I thought. But there is that part of me that still does. The mental fight still continues.
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