Children

[KAOJ]

Hello

I am fairly new and (please try to bear with me).

 

Been dating a great guy for almost five months we have been having fun and getting along great and really getting to know each other.

 

He has really been pushing moving in together and has mentioned "forever" many times. I am a bit more cautious and slow and told him so.

 

This past weekend he said he was done having kids. Fair enough. (A dream of mine would be to adopt a child someday). After he said that I felt as if that was a deal breaker for me. (And of course fair enough he feels that way).

 

I shared my concerns of not being compatiable and specifically the view of children. He was very QUICK to say he would do anything (including having kids) I want because he loves me SO much.

 

I feel like someone wants kids or they don't. I wouldn't want anyone to get involved in raising a child because they are in love with me. (I don't mean to sound like an ingrate) But I must ask an outside opinion....is that fair for a child?

 

Thank you for reading. Sometimes I have a terrible time with words.

[soccerrprp]

Yeah, his motivation for having kids should largely be in part b/c he also wants them. You are right. I think it unhealthy for someone to want to have children to "keep" someone with them. For him, it's kind of akin to a woman having kids to try to keep the guy with her.

 

You said that you would be okay adopting, so this shouldn't be a major issue, right?

[heartshaped]

The fact that he would flipflop his opinion on such a huge issue (seemingly just to appease you or make you happy) would be a deal breaker for me.

 

I've been with someone before who did everything in his power to make me happy with no regard to his own happiness and in the end, it just made us both miserable.

[soccerrprp]

I've been with someone before who did everything in his power to make me happy with no regard to his own happiness and in the end, it just made us both miserable.

 

This is very important, OP. There is such thing as being TOO attentive, compromising and your bf may be that type. He may be too desperate for a working relationship and at his expense. Be careful not to confuse reasonable compromise with irrational adoration.

[KAOJ]

Correct. I had always thought I would be single forever (teehee) and have thought about adoption for at least five years.

 

When he said he would do anything I want....it felt uncomfortable and wrong in my gut. Just as you said....it feels like his motivations are off. In my heart it made me feel like it wouldn't be fair for a child either.

 

THEN (sorry to yell....it was for drama)....he accused me of not knowing what love is. He said when people love each other unconditionally they do anything for each other. Perhaps I don't know what love is....?

 

Thank you *soooo* much for you advice, Soccer and Heartshaped. I truly appreciate your time <3

Edited September 12, 2013 by KAOJ
typo

[KAOJ]

This is very important, OP. There is such thing as being TOO attentive, compromising and your bf may be that type. He may be too desperate for a working relationship and at his expense. Be careful not to confuse reasonable compromise with irrational adoration.

 

Well said! I think I fully understand a healthy, loving compromise but don't feel like parenting children should ever be one of them (as he is suggesting).

[heartshaped]

I'm with you, OP. I don't feel like the subject of children is something that a person should compromise on. Now if he had been on the fence before that would be one thing, but to say he didn't want anymore then to recant because he "loved you so much" I think that's unhealthy behavior.

[nescafe1982]

For the record, I think the children thing is greyer than "either you want them or you don't." My BF and I are both ambivalent about kids, and I just hope that one day when/if we change our minds, it will be in the same direction.

 

But this trips off warning bells in my mind. If you want kids, and he doesn't, it's not really something one can compromise on. If he's changed his mind, it absolutely cannot be because he's afraid of losing you.

 

Sigh, wish I could be more helpful. Good luck out there.

 

Edit to ask: how old are you and BF? This matters and might influence the decision.

[KAOJ]

For the record, I think the children thing is greyer than "either you want them or you don't." My BF and I are both ambivalent about kids, and I just hope that one day when/if we change our minds, it will be in the same direction.

 

But this trips off warning bells in my mind. If you want kids, and he doesn't, it's not really something one can compromise on. If he's changed his mind, it absolutely cannot be because he's afraid of losing you.

 

Sigh, wish I could be more helpful. Good luck out there.

 

Edit to ask: how old are you and BF? This matters and might influence the decision.

 

Thank you ALL so much for offering your advice. It truly means so much to me. Thank you kindly.

 

I am 39 and he is 55.

[white]

Children is absolutely something people compromise on, all the time. Few couples are both 100% in on kids. Probably most of the people you know were conceived by couples who had to convince each other one way or another. Talk to your parents about it and make sure they're honest. For some reason it's become a taboo like all things negatively child-related to point out the elephant in the room of parents being less than sold on the children. We are all only human. There's no magic blessing from the cosmos that descends on everyone who has them or thinks about having them that turns them into completely invested parents or parents to be. You struggle on.

 

The speed with which he made volt-face suggests less a period of decision and compromise and more... devotion. Which in itself isn't bad. Except when it's after five months. Having said which I know two nice couples in their late twenties who were pregnant after only 6 months, with one party in each definitely not being fully on board. They seem to be making it work so far. I wouldn't be too concerned, to be honest. He isn't the first man to consent to becoming a father out of love for a woman in a very, very long chalk. Just wait a while and keep talking about it.

[nescafe1982]

Children is absolutely something people compromise on, all the time. Few couples are both 100% in on kids. Probably most of the people you know were conceived by couples who had to convince each other one way or another. Talk to your parents about it and make sure they're honest. For some reason it's become a taboo like all things negatively child-related to point out the elephant in the room of parents being less than sold on the children. We are all only human. There's no magic blessing from the cosmos that descends on everyone who has them or thinks about having them that turns them into completely invested parents or parents to be. You struggle on.

 

The speed with which he made volt-face suggests less a period of decision and compromise and more... devotion. Which in itself isn't bad. Except when it's after five months. Having said which I know two nice couples in their late twenties who were pregnant after only 6 months, with one party in each definitely not being fully on board. They seem to be making it work so far. I wouldn't be too concerned, to be honest. He isn't the first man to consent to becoming a father out of love for a woman in a very, very long chalk. Just wait a while and keep talking about it.

 

Well I'll be damned. I will go ahead and say that I do not have children (yet?) and that my statements should be taken with that in mind. White makes a good case here.

 

Now that I think of it: one of my friends knocked up a woman he was seeing casually. They got married, shotgun style, and have since had a second child. He was never the "daddy" type, and said years ago that he never saw himself changing diapers.

 

But now he's the best dad I've ever seen. And he's incredibly happy being a dad.

 

So, um, disregard some of what I said above... even in my own life some of my experience contradicts it.

 

IDK where this leaves your situation, OP, but I do think that there is something to be said for peoples' ability to change their minds when it comes to kids. BUT it's something that you and BF will have to work out.

[soccerrprp]

Children is absolutely something people compromise on, all the time. Few couples are both 100% in on kids. Probably most of the people you know were conceived by couples who had to convince each other one way or another. Talk to your parents about it and make sure they're honest. For some reason it's become a taboo like all things negatively child-related to point out the elephant in the room of parents being less than sold on the children. We are all only human. There's no magic blessing from the cosmos that descends on everyone who has them or thinks about having them that turns them into completely invested parents or parents to be. You struggle on.

 

The speed with which he made volt-face suggests less a period of decision and compromise and more... devotion. Which in itself isn't bad. Except when it's after five months. Having said which I know two nice couples in their late twenties who were pregnant after only 6 months, with one party in each definitely not being fully on board. They seem to be making it work so far. I wouldn't be too concerned, to be honest. He isn't the first man to consent to becoming a father out of love for a woman in a very, very long chalk. Just wait a while and keep talking about it.

 

This is wonderful IF that's how it turns out. But to hope or bet on this happening when he's already expressed no or little interest in having more children and his willingness to have them seems only to stay with the OP is not worth gambling on, imho. I do agree that there needs to be more chatter on this, but this is FAR TOO serious/life-changing of a decision not to be at least a little concerned about.

 

The other thing is his age. 55. This is another factor that should certainly be considered. Why would you want a baby at this age? I know, I know, there are men (and women) having children even later than this, but it is still something that should be considered.

[heartshaped]

I still say it would have been one thing if he had been in a grey area in regards to children and he changed his mind after some time or consideration, but that's not what happened. He seemed to be of one mindset and then was willing to completely change his mind in an instant for the OP's sake. It's more than a tad irrational behavior, IMO.

 

All in all I wouldn't be so willing to have a child with him anyways because of his age. My mother was around your age, OP, when she had me and she will tell you honestly that it was a hardship because of her age and it is hard on me now as well dealing with my mother's declining health due to her age while I'm still relatively 'young'. I couldn't imagine if my mother or father conceived me at your boyfriend's age. Even if the two of you had a child right now, by the time the child is 18 your boyfriend would be 73. I don't judge people's choices or lifestyles, but IMHO he's too old to be raising children.

[KAOJ]

Thank you everyone for taking time to reply. I am so new back on the dating scene and your advice and insight has really helped me so very much.

 

I truly thank you