No communication in Marriage

[winterpast]

I've been lurking on this site for a few months and now feel comfortable enough to post...

 

I feel like my marriage has a lot of issues that seem to go around in circles. I've been trying to fix my side of things to make it better but I feel like my husband doesn't try as hard.

 

First off, he shuts down anytime we have anything to discuss. Whether it is money, general life, our issues, job stress, etc. He thinks any serious conversation is a 'fight' and always asks me "what's the point" or "is there any hope". When he starts to shut down he actually gets drowsy and falls asleep. If he doesn't fall asleep then he is so out of it he can't even recall what I've said 10 seconds ago.

 

He works double shifts everyday. He gets home late and sleeps a couple of hours and goes back in early the next morning. I wait until his one day off to bring up anything but he is too exhausted to talk and ends up getting upset.

 

I asked him how he expects our marriage to survive without communication and his response was "I figure it would just resolve itself". Meanwhile, he expects me to put our lives on hold and wait 2-3 months before resuming our lives. He thinks in that time he's work demands will lessen and he will have time to work on things here.

 

I've just given a very few examples because I cannot possibly type it all out in one post and I don't want to ramble on anything. We seem to not be able to have time to talk and when we do it just ends up in a fight. I really feel like divorce is going to be our only option.

 

I can clarify and add anything that you may need. I just hope someone can help me.

[winterpast]

I thought I would maybe give an example of the most recent exchange between us:

 

We have financial stress, mainly with debt. I asked last week if he wanted me to call around to some local Financial Planning firms and see if anyone had the ability to help coach us on our options or help with a plan. Then we can focus on retirement and other planning. I got in touch with a couple of places and waited till today to let Husband know of what I found out.

 

He got up around 1pm, made a comment about me not making breakfast and sat down on the couch. After a while I casually brought up the topic, told him what I found out and asked him what he wanted to do. He seemed irritated at the whole thing and I left it alone. I started to work on some things (paperwork for the meeting and housework). He followed me around and said he didn't understand why I was angry. I told him I wasn't and he said that he always feels that I am angry about something.

 

After a while of that I just got annoyed and wanted to be left alone. He starts to fall asleep and not really engaging in the conversation but is still letting me know how I'm treating him poorly.

 

Later on, he admits that he just didn't feel like talking in that time. I told him he could have just let me know that. He said if he had let me know, then I would have blown up anyways. He also said that he knew yesterday, that this would happen on his day off.

 

During this time, he's falling asleep when I talk and just replies "I don't know" when I ask him what the hell he wants from me.

 

 

Anyways, I'm hoping for a different prospective or something, even if It's me that is the problem.

[pteromom]

He thinks any serious conversation is a 'fight' and always asks me "what's the point" or "is there any hope". When he starts to shut down he actually gets drowsy and falls asleep. If he doesn't fall asleep then he is so out of it he can't even recall what I've said 10 seconds ago.

 

He works double shifts everyday. He gets home late and sleeps a couple of hours and goes back in early the next morning. I wait until his one day off to bring up anything but he is too exhausted to talk and ends up getting upset.

 

Yeah, I would be exhausted too! Poor guy.

 

It would be VERY difficult to build a satisfying marriage in this situation, and I can see how he'd want his one day off to be a day OFF, and not spent hashing out marital problems.

 

So my first question is whether there is any alternative to his work situation. Can you cut spending so he doesn't have to work double shifts every day? Any other options there?

 

I am afraid that no matter what other advice I give, he just doesn't have enough energy left for your marriage.

 

I asked him how he expects our marriage to survive without communication and his response was "I figure it would just resolve itself". Meanwhile, he expects me to put our lives on hold and wait 2-3 months before resuming our lives. He thinks in that time he's work demands will lessen and he will have time to work on things here.

 

What are you waiting 2-3 months FOR? What issues need solving? (Except the obvious one of him not having time for you.) What needs to be worked on? What do you need to communicate about?

[winterpast]

Trust me, I agree on having his one day off to just relax. That's why I made every possible effort to let him sleep in and not have anywhere to go. Most of the time on his off day we are doing something outside of the house to have a family outing (we have a two year old) and he would complain about not being able to lay around the house. But today, when I made an effort to give him that, he's upset because he's bored and wants to go out...

 

His work situation is set this way because he chose it. He's a salaried, store manager. He will get paid the same no matter what.

 

As far as the spending goes... I don't spend a dime, so he can have a little pocket money for when he's at work. I cannot control what he spends and it's usually on food.

 

The 2-3 months is in reference to when he thinks his store will be running well enough to where he won't feel the need to be there from open to close. He has a hard time not wanting to be there working on something and tries to do all the work himself instead of delegating tasks.

 

What I want to be able to work on the most is the communication. He internalizes everything until he blows up several weeks later. He wants me to be happy more and talk about things he wants to talk about and nothing more.

I just want to be able to have a conversation with him and he remember it 30 min later...

[heartshaped]

I think your husband shuts down because in those situations he feels like he's being attacked or accused. The fact that he said he always feels like you're angry about something sort of seconds that idea.

 

Something also tells me that you're a SAHM. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like you have more time to focus on your marriage and its problems than your husband does. He's tired, which may be of his own making, but at the same time I can understand his position. I don't think it's that uncommon for store managers to work doubles at least, until they can get things running smoothly and have someone they can trust under them.

[winterpast]

I think your husband shuts down because in those situations he feels like he's being attacked or accused. The fact that he said he always feels like you're angry about something sort of seconds that idea.

 

Something also tells me that you're a SAHM. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like you have more time to focus on your marriage and its problems than your husband does. He's tired, which may be of his own making, but at the same time I can understand his position. I don't think it's that uncommon for store managers to work doubles at least, until they can get things running smoothly and have someone they can trust under them.

 

 

I understand him feeling attacked or accused, that's why I try to be careful in how I talk to him or when I bring it up. He tells me times that are more convenient to talk, I wait, but then he changes his mind and I wait some more. He thinks I'm angry all the time because I'm not "happy enough" when I ask for more clarification on that he says "I don't know".

 

I am a SAHM, not by choice. I lost my job when I gave birth (was not protected by FMLA) and was not able to pay child care for an infant, so I stayed home. I've been actively looking for another job for a year and have put out numerous resumes and had two interviews but because I don't have a flexible schedule it's been difficult. Since my husband doesn't know when he will be home or go back into work, I cannot work in the evenings. We don't have anyone to watch our 2 year old at night so jobs that require second shift are not an option.

 

I know it's not uncommon for store managers to work doubles, and I try to make things easy for him here because of that. I'm more concerned about his health and safety because he will come home and tell me about how he "almost died" on the interstate because he is so tired he is falling asleep at the wheel.

[pteromom]

Hmmmmm. Well, being that you only have one day a week together right now, I wouldn't use that one day trying to problem-solve. I would instead use it for having fun together, loving on each other, laughing together. You want him to WANT to be home. Right now, work is probably an escape... it's probably less work at work than it is at home with you always wanting to communicate about your issues.

 

Add to that you being a SAHM, and having little stimulation. You probably really really NEED that adult interaction with your husband, so it makes it twice as hard on you.

 

It's unreasonable of him to only want you to talk about things he is interested in though.

[winterpast]

Most of the time he just wants to talk about work, which I understand. He needs someone to vent to and I listen. That's what our conversations are about on his drive home. When I try to bring up what I need to discuss with him is when he shuts down. He'll tell me to do "whatever" or gets upset because it's not the right time. I just don't understand his extreme reactions to things.

[winterpast]

Hmmmmm. Well, being that you only have one day a week together right now, I wouldn't use that one day trying to problem-solve. I would instead use it for having fun together, loving on each other, laughing together. You want him to WANT to be home. Right now, work is probably an escape... it's probably less work at work than it is at home with you always wanting to communicate about your issues.

I agree with this...I've been trying to let him tell me what he needs with that. Only problem is he doesn't want to make any decisions and wants me to plan for him. If I try to let him have his space and do his own thing then he feels like I'm ignoring him.

 

Add to that you being a SAHM, and having little stimulation. You probably really really NEED that adult interaction with your husband, so it makes it twice as hard on you.

 

Adult interaction with him would be nice but I've tried to meet that need with spending time with other family members or friends...so it's not as much of a burden on him.

 

It's unreasonable of him to only want you to talk about things he is interested in though.

[pteromom]

Most of the time he just wants to talk about work, which I understand. He needs someone to vent to and I listen. That's what our conversations are about on his drive home. When I try to bring up what I need to discuss with him is when he shuts down. He'll tell me to do "whatever" or gets upset because it's not the right time. I just don't understand his extreme reactions to things.

 

Try putting your issues on the back burner for a bit, and talk to him about funny and interesting things instead of things you need to discuss with him. See if you can turn it around so that he isn't immediately getting defensive when you bring something up.

[winterpast]

I'll give that a try!

[xxoo]

Ask him to schedule a time to deal with this issue together. Ask for 20 minutes of his time in the next week, his choice of time. Put it on the calendar.

 

You could aim for 20 minutes once a week, but start with once a month if that is more reasonable right now. Keep the serious talks limited to these scheduled "family meetings" as much as possible, so that the rest of the time can be stress free.

[winterpast]

Ask him to schedule a time to deal with this issue together. Ask for 20 minutes of his time in the next week, his choice of time. Put it on the calendar.

 

You could aim for 20 minutes once a week, but start with once a month if that is more reasonable right now. Keep the serious talks limited to these scheduled "family meetings" as much as possible, so that the rest of the time can be stress free.

 

I've tried that and he grumbles and agrees to a certain time with a "if I have to" response then he has a bad couple of days leading up to it because he knows it's coming.

[winterpast]

He's told me several times that he doesn't like to make decisions because if it turns out to be a bad one then he isn't to blame. Or if it is a decision with no real consequence either way then he doesn't care. Therefore, I'm the one that has to make decisions and I end up being a controlling wife. I'm usually the bad guy one way or another.

[Mr. Lucky]

He works double shifts everyday. He gets home late and sleeps a couple of hours and goes back in early the next morning. I wait until his one day off to bring up anything but he is too exhausted to talk and ends up getting upset.

I'd hate to add anything else to his plate but you'd really benefit from MC. Sounds to me like he's using work to "hide" from you and the issues in your marriage. Not healthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[winterpast]

I'm curious...if he's avoiding/hiding from me then why can't he go to the store/gas station/anywhere but work unless I go with him? If I choose not to go then he leaves in a huff.

 

I do want MC and would be on board but he has made excuses as to why he can't make it. He told me a little while ago that he didn't want to talk about setting up an appointment with the financial planner because of pride and shame. I guess going to someone to talk about any problems makes it too real for him. He prefers to let things work themselves out or ignore it till it goes away.

[winterpast]

I would like to add that I try REALLY hard to not nag or constantly bring up things. Our typical day is an "I love you" text exchange in the morning (he's gone by 6am) I call once to get an idea on when he "might" be home. He calls me on the way home (usually 10:40ish pm) He tells me about his day/job/every detail. I listen and respond when asked. He gets home, eats dinner, I make him lunch for tomorrow, he showers, and finally bedtime. That's it! I try to let him have it his way, however he sees fit, while I patiently wait for the day when he's "ready" to talk to me about what I need to discuss with him.

[Eivuwan]

Was he like this before he started working 2 shifts in a day?

[winterpast]

I'm not sure how to answer that...he has said that for years he has just bottled up his feelings and never told me how he really felt. So even though he led me to believe everything was fine... it wasn't.

 

History:

 

We've been together 10 years, married 5yr. When he was an Assistant Manager he was always capped at 40 hr even though he would just finds ways to work off the clock. He justified this by believing that if he showed true dedication to his job, he would get taken care of and move up. Every conversation he would have with people would be about the dynamics of his job...that's it.

 

We got pregnant and a few months after baby turned 1yr he got promoted to store manager. Once he was salaried, he spent every hour he could working to show his dedication. During this time he started texting a female coworker outside of work. He says it was just as friends and she made him feel good by telling him how great of a manager he was and blah blah blah. Nonetheless, he hid the contact he had with her from me. This went on for a few months, he would still "be friends" with her even though it made me uncomfortable. He lied about everything and anything when it came to her. Later he would tell me the reason he acted this way was to "defy" me and justified to himself that he was allowed to do whatever he wanted no matter how it made me feel.

 

He lost that job in the beginning of the year, picked up his current one two weeks later. He was promoted to store manager about a month ago and the cycle is starting all over again.

 

He wasn't like this before the double shifts but the more he works the more he disconnects and becomes harder to reason with.

[winterpast]

We've talked about it and with his work schedule it's not an option. He takes Wednesdays off and is so worn out he rather sleep. We don't have any babysitting options on those days either.

 

I will put whatever issues I feel like I need to talk about alone. I don't think it's fair that I have to talk to him for 2+ hours a day about his job and I don't get to discuss anything I would like to discuss (which is more of just confirming appointments, etc. with him) but if that's the way it is then I guess I don't have a choice.

 

He's not trying to leave our discussions about "happy" things. He wants to complain about EVERYTHING that happened that day and then go to sleep.

[heartshaped]

Work seems like it's his life. That is very, very concerning. I cannot suggest anything else to you at this point other than to push him to go to marriage counseling and if I were you I would also push for him to start cutting back at work. He doesn't have to do it all at once, but slowly, but surely he needs to be delegating other responsibilities and duties to other people so he can spend more time at home.

[winterpast]

I agree...I will gently push him in that direction as best as I can. I will ask for MC too.

[Mr. Lucky]

The unfortunate truth is that there are people who, given the dynamics of their behavior, are difficult to be married to. Negativity is a big downer to me and I'd have trouble sustaining a relationship with a whining and complaining spouse. It's further complicated by their inability to realistically examine their behavior and understand its effect on others.

 

Absent MC, only you can decide if the return is worth the cost...

 

Mr. Lucky

[peaksandvalleys]

I've been lurking on this site for a few months and now feel comfortable enough to post...

 

I feel like my marriage has a lot of issues that seem to go around in circles. I've been trying to fix my side of things to make it better but I feel like my husband doesn't try as hard.

 

First off, he shuts down anytime we have anything to discuss. Whether it is money, general life, our issues, job stress, etc. He thinks any serious conversation is a 'fight' and always asks me "what's the point" or "is there any hope". When he starts to shut down he actually gets drowsy and falls asleep. If he doesn't fall asleep then he is so out of it he can't even recall what I've said 10 seconds ago.

 

He works double shifts everyday. He gets home late and sleeps a couple of hours and goes back in early the next morning. I wait until his one day off to bring up anything but he is too exhausted to talk and ends up getting upset.

 

I asked him how he expects our marriage to survive without communication and his response was "I figure it would just resolve itself". Meanwhile, he expects me to put our lives on hold and wait 2-3 months before resuming our lives. He thinks in that time he's work demands will lessen and he will have time to work on things here.

 

I've just given a very few examples because I cannot possibly type it all out in one post and I don't want to ramble on anything. We seem to not be able to have time to talk and when we do it just ends up in a fight. I really feel like divorce is going to be our only option.

 

I can clarify and add anything that you may need. I just hope someone can help me.

 

 

 

I feel as if I could have written most of this. I am sad most of the time. I just can't seem to get to that point of understanding with him.

[winterpast]

I feel as if I could have written most of this. I am sad most of the time. I just can't seem to get to that point of understanding with him.

 

If you ever feel like talking let me know