shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Have you had or are you in a relationship where your other continues to make you feel bed, mess up, or whatever else, but you keep thinking that it would get better? Or just when you've had enough they become the angel you've wanted them to be? I don't know, just wondering is anyone else on here has been through it.
joe86 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Happened in my last two relationships. The first girl was young & didn't really know what she wanted & ultimately her issues created a void between us & it fell apart. The latest girl is my age, old enough to know what she wants, but hadn't been happy & ultimately left me a month back. With both of them I felt that because we were together, that's what they wanted and therefore I had to do all I could to help them be happy. It doesn't seem to work like that. The latest girl does want to meet for coffee, but I don't know what she thinks & have almost given up. 1
Author shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Wow, I see. Good luck with everything. I'm currently working on getting back with my boyfriend for probably the 3rd time. It's actually difficult, since we are starting on a new, honest and trusting approach, which makes me think it could work out. He's finally communicating 1
joe86 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Thank you It ain't easy being the caring type & but just knowing these things make us develop makes it easier. I'll become a better person, or more rounded at least! He's finally communicating That's the important part! My ex makes almost no contact. I've checked in a few times & she initiated coffee chat after I checked she still wanted it last week. I've also dropped the ball tonight after how friendly things felt yesterday & text her again. Live & learn!! 1
LinkWorshiper Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I know that I have a tendency to forgive easily and give chances to people who maybe shouldn't get them. For me, it also kind of depends on the person and how much I care about them, and also what I'm forgiving them for. For example, my current ex, with whom I am working things out with, has dropped the ball a number of times during the whole process. There were times I was pretty upset by things he would do, and I'd sit at work and cry and cry over it, and people would say, 'Seriously, why do you keep letting him have these chances?' And truthfully, it came down to how much I care about him. Even now, he's kind of being lame, and I still can't bring myself to be angry at him. Meanwhile, I had a friend who skipped my dad's funeral, and that was just... done, period, end of story. Summary: it depends.
Author shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I know that I have a tendency to forgive easily and give chances to people who maybe shouldn't get them. For me, it also kind of depends on the person and how much I care about them, and also what I'm forgiving them for. For example, my current ex, with whom I am working things out with, has dropped the ball a number of times during the whole process. There were times I was pretty upset by things he would do, and I'd sit at work and cry and cry over it, and people would say, 'Seriously, why do you keep letting him have these chances?' And truthfully, it came down to how much I care about him. Even now, he's kind of being lame, and I still can't bring myself to be angry at him. Meanwhile, I had a friend who skipped my dad's funeral, and that was just... done, period, end of story. Summary: it depends. Goodness. This is me exactly. People would always ask why I'm still with him, or still trying to make it work out, when I spend most of my time upset with him, or sad in general. Sorry about your loss. 1
Mariposa10 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 If this relationship is making you sad all the time, perhaps it's time to let go? Life is short, you can die tomorrow (I can die in an hr) is it really worth it??? I highly recommend this article: On-And-Off Again Relationship ? Time To Give Up? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 i am forgiving to a fault....to some they find it a fault...i dont feel it is a fault....i end up the one who gets hurt so its not like i am hurting anyone bar myself by being forgiving.... but ..i know this...i would rather be forgiving and get hurt than be not forgiving and bitter and hold grudges that twist me into someone i am not meant to be..... if someone lies to me and comes clean i will always forgive.....it takes guts to admit when you do something you shouldn't...i respect people who come clean.....the same lie over and over again though or the same situation is trying though and hard to forgive.......i have forgiven people who have really done the wrong thing by me...abuse....i have no regrets, no grudges, and i am free of bitterness towards others....... often when someone lies to me i already know that they lied.......or have known for quite a while, when people play games with me.....i figure it out pretty quickly.......if i really like the people .......ill wait however long it takes to see if they trust me enough to come clean...... until they decide its time for the games and lies to end i just wait...... not for revenge or vindication from me.......most of the time i understand the reasoning behind what people do...its fear ...i understand fear its distrust i also understand that...its the unknown and not knowing a persons true intentions.. and yes......i would always forgive.....cant say i really hate anyone.....just not me.......my heart hasnt room for revenge...forgiveness ....is what you give when you know one day you will make a mistake that needs forgiveness too.....i give chances....and yes i expect to be given chances too.. as far as fidelity goes.....i learned that one chance is maybe one too many too forgive.......but one chance is what i would give ..deb 2
Author shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 If this relationship is making you sad all the time, perhaps it's time to let go? Life is short, you can die tomorrow (I can die in an hr) is it really worth it??? I highly recommend this article: On-And-Off Again Relationship ? Time To Give Up? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng I'll check out the link, but I have a feeling that it would say things similar to what I've been hearing for months. I'm stubborn, I supposed. Stubborn, and it's actually annoying to myself. Parts of me knows what I need, and I need to let go, but there are other parts that say, "Hey, you need to stay. Things could get better, just wait. He'll treat you how you'd like, just give it time." Meanwhile, I freakout if I upset him a tiny bit, or if he's acting like a hypocrite, he calls me crazy yadda yadda, I assume it's my fault, and then feel bad. I just don't really ever feel good, and I'm mostly just very tense in the relationship... so I should leave right? When things get bad and I want to leave... he finally tells me that he wants me, and that he wants to continue to try to be with me, he does so much to attempt it, then I give in (last time I was almost sure of my decision to just leave him for good) Then he made me feel bad and I'm back. He's treated me like How I would love to be treated... but then today he's upset me, and when I get upset, I flip out and just have a ****ed up day. So now, I'm not texting him, and now I'm "crazy" again. When I could have just avoided it all by leaving him. Excuse the ramble. Just kind of venting. And it's the perfect post for this thread haha. I give in too easily. Compassion runs in my family.
hotpotato Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I dont feel like ive given too many chances. Other people would say differently. I was in a relationship for years with a man who had multiple addictions. People told me to just leave. Im a fighter when it comes to relationships. I am loyal to a fault. He actually ended up leaving me. Now he realizes how good he had it. We are good friends now. I dont know if we will ever get back together, but I think if we did we would be happier than before. 1
Author shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 i have forgiven people who have really done the wrong thing by me...abuse....i have no regrets, no grudges, and i am free of bitterness towards others....... Yes. This is me. People fail to understand that. I always want old friends back in my life, even if I was the one too cut it off. I wish that I could just drop folk, and keep them out of my life forever with ease. I've only starting doing it this year. But your positive attitude towards others is a gift.
Author shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Im a fighter when it comes to relationships. I am loyal to a fault. Love this.
candie13 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) Dear OP, My recent experience with a lot of break up / make up scenarios allow me to share this with you: - when breaking up, the 2 partners cannot make their needs meet (meaning each one of them is making the other person unhappy, at some level) - when making up, the point is not simply to be together again / maintain the situation as it was before, because if that's the case, nothing would change. And sooner or later, the irritation (or the cause of the initial break up) will resurface and push one of the two partners (if not both) to break up again. What I am trying to say is the following: make sure you are not simply "giving him another chance" or making up with him. Make sure you are very clear on the source of discontent in your relationship, that you communicate it to your partner, and that after you two make up, that he agrees to adjust his behavior accordingly. Yes, I am also a person who tries hard at relationships, but my last failed relationship showed me that if I try blindly, I might as well save my forces. When making up, it's not just about getting together back again. It is about communication and willingness to change, or at least accommodate both people's differences. Make sure you keep your eyes open during the make up session... and especially after that . Edited September 11, 2013 by candie13 2
Author shvrk Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Dear OP, My recent experience with a lot of break up / make up scenarios allow me to share this with you: - when breaking up, the 2 partners cannot make their needs meet (meaning each one of them is making the other person unhappy, at some level) - when making up, the point is not simply to be together again / maintain the situation as it was before, because if that's the case, nothing would change. And sooner or later, the irritation (or the cause of the initial break up) will resurface and push one of the two partners (if not both) to break up again. What I am trying to say is the following: make sure you are not simply "giving him another chance" or making up with him. Make sure you are very clear on the source of discontent in your relationship, that you communicate it to your partner, and that after you two make up, that he agrees to adjust his behavior accordingly. Yes, I am also a person who tries hard at relationships, but my last failed relationship showed me that if I try blindly, I might as well save my forces. When making up, it's not just about getting together back again. It is about communication and willingness to change, or at least accommodate both people's differences. Make sure you keep your eyes open during the make up session... and especially after that . Thanks for the much needed tip.
MissBee Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Have you had or are you in a relationship where your other continues to make you feel bed, mess up, or whatever else, but you keep thinking that it would get better? Or just when you've had enough they become the angel you've wanted them to be? I don't know, just wondering is anyone else on here has been through it. Yepp. I think lots of people do this...be it through denial, naivety, hoping against hope. I am a lot less tolerant of nonsense now though, but it took years of trying to see the good, giving the benefit of the doubt and chances before I established the pattern and realization that one chance (and it really depends on the circumstance) is enough, 2, 3 etc nope, you're just playing yourself. It takes loving yourself, respecting yourself and exercising your boundaries to be someone who doesn't keep giving chances to those who abuse it. 2
love1336x Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Blah. I've done it before too many times now. :/ 1
Author shvrk Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Blah. I've done it before too many times now. :/ Far too many? I don't mean to pry, but what happened? You don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable with it.
love1336x Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Far too many? I don't mean to pry, but what happened? You don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable with it. Eh yea, i been cheated on, and i given the man another chance only for him to hurt me AGAIN, by leaving me for the woman he was banging. This current dude, who is extremely cheap and selfish in every way, but i still stay because well a warm body at night it's better than no body. I given out many chances to other men I dated because well I believe they would change or something wonderful could happen if i just push and kept on trying... I'm personally trying to get back with my ex who cheated on me, but he won't give me the chance... that kinda burns me inside a bit, but hey life goes on. If he doesn't see us worth trying for again, then there will be others...
love1336x Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Wow, I see. Good luck with everything. I'm currently working on getting back with my boyfriend for probably the 3rd time. It's actually difficult, since we are starting on a new, honest and trusting approach, which makes me think it could work out. He's finally communicating I Envy You! <3
Author shvrk Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) This current dude, who is extremely cheap and selfish in every way, but i still stay because well a warm body at night it's better than no body. I hear you. But please don't get back with the man that cheated on you You seem far too kind. Edited September 12, 2013 by shvrk 1
emva07 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 yes. sigh, wishful thinking that the promises that he would change would finally be true. Never were. 1
StrongLass Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 My new policy is: 1) If they were full of sh*t the first time they're probably going to be full of MORE sh*t later. 2) ALWAYS COMPARE TIMELINES WITH THE ROOMMATES. Seriously. I was able to confirm how many times my manipulative ex had lied to me about important sh*t this way when I was willing to give him a third chance 3) If they were full of sh*t the first time they're probably going to be full of MORE sh*t later.
Emilia Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Love this. Don't because not everyone deserves loyalty. From your posts it seems to me that you have a codependent push-pull going on in your relationships. It's not healthy. You need to work out why you are attracted to dysfunctional dynamics. 2
love1336x Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 My new policy is: 1) If they were full of sh*t the first time they're probably going to be full of MORE sh*t later. 2) ALWAYS COMPARE TIMELINES WITH THE ROOMMATES. Seriously. I was able to confirm how many times my manipulative ex had lied to me about important sh*t this way when I was willing to give him a third chance 3) If they were full of sh*t the first time they're probably going to be full of MORE sh*t later. LMAO. This made me giggle so much!! <3 1
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