inamity Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I posted another thread on here in a different subforum last month so I feel a little silly posting another so soon but whatever. I work as a software engineer for a major website and get to work from home (remotely, telecommuting). I spend a lot of my time traveling--for example, I worked from several countries in Europe for 4 months earlier this year... it's quite awesome... and for the most part, I'm not really tied to any particular place as "home." Back in the spring, I met someone who was traveling with his friends/coworkers (they own their own company) and were going from city to city. They lived in the city I was living in for about a month. He and I spent a lot of time together as friends, but I wasn't looking for anything more than that because I just wanted to be single for a while--so I was very upfront with him about it. He went on with his friends at the end and I took off to Europe. We didn't entirely lose contact but we didn't talk frequently or anything. About a month ago, however, he e-mailed me one night and it started off a long chain of e-mails that went on for several weeks. The e-mails became a daily thing. He eventually told me he was interested in having something more with me. I have family where he lives... and had already promised them I'd come visit soon anyway... so I booked a plane ticket and went with a return ticket to the city I was staying in 2 weeks. As it turns out, he and I get along just as great as we did back in the spring. He's very sweet, affectionate, caring, we go out for long walks and talk for hours and hours. The only difference now is that there has been physical intimacy established, which seems to amplify the emotional intimacy that was already there. My problem is that I am leaving here. I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, my job lets me work from wherever so I don't have the same long-distance limitations that other people have where they have to sacrifice a bunch to make that move... but at the same time, I feel by societal norms, it'd be weird for me to be bringing that up so soon (we've been friends for over 6 months but only been anything more than that for just a week). I'm more concerned about his feelings than mine. I feel like I hurt him back in the spring when I told him I wasn't looking for anything beyond friends. I'd like to keep seeing him but I don't know how to make that happen in a way that doesn't feel like it's so black and white and say, "Hey I like you so much that I'm willing to start over again where you are"... is there a way?
gaius Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 You have family where he is right? Could you use them as an excuse? Maybe just say you think it would be nice to live closer and see them more often. Then you could bring up if you two could keep seeing each other. Or am I totally misunderstanding your motivation for the post?
Author inamity Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Yeah, I could use that as an excuse, but it would seem dishonest to me. I love my family, sure, but I don't see them often and I think he knows that, given that I have spent almost every day here hanging out with him--aside from a couple of times I've went to see family for a few hours. I dunno if I'm getting myself into a lose-lose situation. It feels like the only way this could work is if I give it a lot more effort than anyone would in a normal dating arrangement... like, "oh we went out a couple of times, I'll call you in a few days, we'll go out again..." Instead, it feels like it has to be heavily escalated from the start... like I'm going to leave here in a little under a week and when I go back, it'll be this weird, "now what" kind of feeling where I know if I don't say something an he doesn't say something... it'll just float off into nothingness.
heartshaped Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 *shrugs* You move from place to place. Would it be such a big deal to tell him that you decided to stay close to your family for a while to see where things could possibly go between the two of you? For the short time I was in a LDR, I moved closer to my SO in about a month's time. Another time, I was going to move within a few months. I have the mobility and didn't see anything wrong with moving to see where something could possibly go with someone. 2
FitChick Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 You are over thinking and could squander a good relationship. I'd be honest and say "I really have enjoyed getting to know you better. Since I can work anywhere in the world, I've decided to stay here for a while because I want to spend more time with you. What are your thoughts?" Put it in your own words. If he shoots you down, you have a plane ticket and can escape. Why would it be so terrible to let a man know that you like him as more than a friend? Don't play games. 1
justwhoiam Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I really don't get the purpose of this thread... He's pursuing a relationship with you. I don't see any other reason why he started writing you every single day and got to the point of telling you he wanted something more than friends with you. It can't be FWB, as you're too far away and the chances of getting something going are too slim, and it wouldn't be worth it. So.................. he was open to you. Be open to him as well. I guess you're not that into him probably... you enjoy spending time with him, you get along with him... but did it really click? Do you have butterflies in your stomach? Are you hyperexcited when you get to see him? In short: are you in love?
FitChick Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 She doesn't know him well enough to be in love because they spent very little time together. That's why she is considering staying in the same city so she can get to know him better.
justwhoiam Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 She doesn't know him well enough to be in love I don't think it works like that... that you need to spend a lot of time with someone to know if there's chemistry... So this tells me there isn't any between them. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 I knew there was chemistry with my partner within about 20 minutes of meeting him face to face. I haven't read any other post here, so I'm sorry if this is irrelevant. I don't think it works like that... that you need to spend a lot of time with someone to know if there's chemistry... So this tells me there isn't any between them. 1
FitChick Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Well, it works for me that way. I may find someone my "type" but until I spend time with them, or even talking a lot on the phone getting to know them better, there is no chemistry in terms of my wanting to have sex. Conversely, I've had chemistry with someone and nothing else and it didn't work out. She has nothing to lose by sticking around and seeing what develops.
justwhoiam Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Well, it works for me that way. I may find someone my "type" but until I spend time with them, or even talking a lot on the phone getting to know them better, there is no chemistry in terms of my wanting to have sex. Conversely, I've had chemistry with someone and nothing else and it didn't work out. Here's the answer: in the city I was living in for about a month. He and I spent a lot of time together as friends
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