Dating a woman who did not have a father figure, or other abuse/emotional issues

[Babolat]

A common example I've experienced personally is the scenario where the woman has a strained relationship with her mother, or outright hates her, and explains the impetus being a stepfather molesting her. The 'reason' came out because of the dramatic relationship in the present, even though the impetus was, in every case, decades in the past. Such circumstances indicate the person cannot leave the past in the past. In the past, I gave a lot of benefit of the doubt for such behaviors, but no more. Life is too short at my age. Healthier to be alone. I'll be damned if I'll have some woman putting me down for having a loving and healthy childhood, ever again.

 

Bingo, this is how it has unfolded in my experiences. I never ask, and when they talk, I listen, I don't probe for more details.

[Radu]

If you date such a woman, it's a pretty high probability that you will end up wasting your yrs on her.

And if she ever tries to guilt-trip you over not having as crappy a childhood as her, just walk away ... it means she is not yet willing to work on it; to admit that she has to look into what happened and maybe do some changes.

 

One of the big things that i found bad about my type in the past was that i went for women who had a hidden problem with men, or that were not 'calibrated' to find a guy.

That sort of 'calibration' comes from having had a good male rolemodel in her life.

 

On a sidenote, every time i met a wuss of a guy it has been one raised by a single mother, or in a household where she utterly and completely dominated.

[Radu]

My point is that if you are self-aware about a codependency issue and are committed to working on it, you can have a healthy relationship. If you find that most of the women you date also have "issues," what matters is not whether the issues are present but whether the woman is self-aware of them and committed to working on them. I personally believe that if everyone ruled out dating a person with significant family, social, or psychological issues, a whole lot of people would be lonely for no good reason. Perhaps what you need to assess when you find out about a woman's issues is what she's doing to work on them, to improve herself. If the answer is "nothing," then that is something to think about. And you need to be ESPECIALLY careful about women who aren't doing enough to work past their own issues, because if you're a "fixer" you two will enable negative behaviors. Find a woman who takes emotional self-care very seriously... that might be the personality trait you want.

 

btw, I don't think your questions was *******-ish at all.

 

I 100% agree.

Looking back at things, i have issues too [work in progress].

 

However, most ppl do not work on their issues ... they just want one form or another of white-knight [men too sometimes].

When faced with them, they tend to blame them on others ... that's just how the vast majority seems to think.

[Blastoplast]

My EX didn't have a father in her life, and her mom was pretty crummy (not abusive, but just wasn't very strong and kind of mean). My EX was very difficult to deal with -- she had a lot of great things about her, but lots of insecurity issues and certain character flaws that led to our demise. Tread lightly.

[Quiet Storm]

I grew up really poor & my dad had drug/ alcohol issues and my mom was codependent. I never felt abandoned by my father, though. I felt more abandoned by my mother, who was more concerned with my dad's bad habits than us.

 

I met my husband at 15 and he had a large, very stable & loving family. They became my model for what a family was supposed to be like. I also did some counseling to learn coping skills. Through my education and career I have learned so much about FOO issues & mental illness.

 

My sister grew up in the same home as me, but was sexually abused by a member of the extended family. She started cutting, developed an eating disorder, had drug & alcohol addictions and was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

I do think FOO can be overcome, but it takes a lot of hard work and the ability to be introspective. Many people are not capable of recognizing their dysfunction- and others minimize it by saying, we all have flaws. I get that, but these FOO trickle down and you must be very proactive to overcome them. It's hard to see how your choices, your outlook, your self talk, your coping skills....are all related to your family of origin.

 

I would not recommend having a serious relationship with someone that has untreated family of origin issues. Yes, people can & do overcome these issues- but it takes a long time. There are so many outwardly confident women who you would never guess would have low self worth until you get in a relationship with them. Most don't even realize the manifestation of their issues- they think it's bad luck or they blame everyone else. They don't see how their choices & the traits they are attracted to are FOO related.

 

So even though I had a rough childhood with no ill effects, when it comes to my kids, I tell them to avoid people with these issues. I just feel that it is too great of a risk to take when there are plenty of people without these issues.

 

If you are older, there will be those with more baggage, but it's how they deal with that baggage that counts. How do they cope with adversity or feeling uncomfortable? Are they sneaky? Do they avoid conflict? Do they self medicate? Are they accountable for their actions? Do they consider consequences? Are they capable of having a healthy sexual relationship? Do they tolerate bad behavior from others? Can they manage their emotions? Are they empathetic? I would pay attention to how they manage their life, and decide based on that.

[Babolat]

I grew up really poor & my dad had drug/ alcohol issues and my mom was codependent. I never felt abandoned by my father, though. I felt more abandoned by my mother, who was more concerned with my dad's bad habits than us.

 

I met my husband at 15 and he had a large, very stable & loving family. They became my model for what a family was supposed to be like. I also did some counseling to learn coping skills. Through my education and career I have learned so much about FOO issues & mental illness.

 

My sister grew up in the same home as me, but was sexually abused by a member of the extended family. She started cutting, developed an eating disorder, had drug & alcohol addictions and was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

I do think FOO can be overcome, but it takes a lot of hard work and the ability to be introspective. Many people are not capable of recognizing their dysfunction- and others minimize it by saying, we all have flaws. I get that, but these FOO trickle down and you must be very proactive to overcome them. It's hard to see how your choices, your outlook, your self talk, your coping skills....are all related to your family of origin.

 

I would not recommend having a serious relationship with someone that has untreated family of origin issues. Yes, people can & do overcome these issues- but it takes a long time. There are so many outwardly confident women who you would never guess would have low self worth until you get in a relationship with them. Most don't even realize the manifestation of their issues- they think it's bad luck or they blame everyone else. They don't see how their choices & the traits they are attracted to are FOO related.

 

So even though I had a rough childhood with no ill effects, when it comes to my kids, I tell them to avoid people with these issues. I just feel that it is too great of a risk to take when there are plenty of people without these issues.

 

If you are older, there will be those with more baggage, but it's how they deal with that baggage that counts. How do they cope with adversity or feeling uncomfortable? Are they sneaky? Do they avoid conflict? Do they self medicate? Are they accountable for their actions? Do they consider consequences? Are they capable of having a healthy sexual relationship? Do they tolerate bad behavior from others? Can they manage their emotions? Are they empathetic? I would pay attention to how they manage their life, and decide based on that.

 

Wow, well said, well thought out!

 

Getting some great feedback here! Still not clear where I go from here, a lot to process.

[crederer]

I've dated a few girls like this too. Very difficult to be in a relationship with.

 

I talked to a few female friends of mine to figure out what this is about and all of them basically said that about 2/3 of the women they know have significant emotional issues for one reason or another.

 

So...I dunno how many girls you've been with but it may have nothing to do with you and it's just the odds.

[Babolat]

I've dated a few girls like this too. Very difficult to be in a relationship with.

 

I talked to a few female friends of mine to figure out what this is about and all of them basically said that about 2/3 of the women they know have significant emotional issues for one reason or another.

 

So...I dunno how many girls you've been with but it may have nothing to do with you and it's just the odds.

 

Since my seperation/divorce almost 3 years ago, I have dated 4 girls "long term" (from a couple of months to 12 months) with some other short term dating in between. All 4 had been cheated on, all 4 were emotionally and/or physically abused by previous SOs, all 4 dated controlling men. My last ex, the 12 month relationship, the one I got the closest to, had all of these plus being abondoned by her parents at age 5.

[CptSaveAho]

Ive got an idea, stop dating...

 

you are part of the problem, divorced, 4 long term relationships in 3 years

 

water seeks its own level... you obviously have your own daddy issues and can't be alone at 47.

 

Most guys I know that are 47 and divorced have a beach house a beer propped up on their beer belly as they are laying peacefully in the sand.... you seem to like to be tortured

[Babolat]

Ive got an idea, stop dating...

 

you are part of the problem, divorced, 4 long term relationships in 3 years

 

water seeks its own level... you obviously have your own daddy issues and can't be alone at 47.

 

Most guys I know that are 47 and divorced have a beach house a beer propped up on their beer belly as they are laying peacefully in the sand.... you seem to like to be tortured

 

Well, I am not dating, have not for almost 6 months I am processing, trying to figure some things out, working on myself, thus my post.

 

I said 4 LTRs, I should clarify - in order since my divorce:

 

First 1 was 4 months, 2nd 1 was a month, 3rd 1 was 5-6 weeks and the last one was 12 months. The first one was a rebound, the middle 2, well, craziness came out from them and I bailed fast, the last one, IMHO is truly my only LTR since my divorce, where I had feelings for the woman and I truly saw it as a LTR. We sepnt a lot of time together and I view it as my only real relationship since my divorce. The first 3, looking back now, I never saw them as LTRs, more dating, and I never developed deep feelings for them.

 

Though I get your point.

[Babolat]

Most guys I know that are 47 and divorced have a beach house a beer propped up on their beer belly as they are laying peacefully in the sand.... you seem to like to be tortured

 

Not one to lay on a beach all day with a beer on my beer belly... I will pass

[Babolat]

4 long term relationships in 3 years

 

This is why I put "long term" in quotes. I truly see myself as having only been in 3 LTRs my entire life.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think broken homes, single-parent homes, and families plagued by abuse and substance abuse are rampant in our times. This affects the relationships of those sons and daughters for years beyond childhood.

 

I had plenty of dysfunction in my upbringing, and a dad who was at the least emotionally and verbally abusive, and I'm pretty sure it's the primary source of most of my problems in life and relationships. But I've always done my best to deal with those problems on my own, through counseling, self-study, honest communication, lots of talking honestly with friends. I've had some pretty big breakthroughs the past few years, and they continue.

 

When I see behavior emerge that I believe is rooted in childhood problems, I'm as honest about that as I can be, without making it anybody else's problem.

[Shepp]

I like that Jonny Depp quote - We're all damaged in our own way. Nobody's perfect. I think we're all somewhat screwy. Every single one of us!

 

I think it just comes down to finding someone where your shortcomings work with eachother rather than excentuate them - does that make sense...I haven't worded that very well!

[Babolat]

I had plenty of dysfunction in my upbringing, and a dad who was at the least emotionally and verbally abusive, and I'm pretty sure it's the primary source of most of my problems in life and relationships. But I've always done my best to deal with those problems on my own, through counseling, self-study, honest communication, lots of talking honestly with friends. I've had some pretty big breakthroughs the past few years, and they continue..

 

Same here, my folks divorced when I was 4, my step-dad took over at age 5, paternal dad did disappeared for the most part until I was 20. He and I are very close now.

 

My step-dad was verbally/emotionally abusive to me, he was the same with my mom plus he physically abused her. So yeah, I have my issues too. I recognize them and continue to work on them.

 

Like you, I have read a lot of self help books, been through a lot of counseling, and have had break throughs at points in my life. It's one of the reasons I am on LS, working on the next break through I hope by reading and listening.

 

One of many things I take away from this post/thread is it's ok to consider a woman with a background like this as a SO, so long as she is self-aware, has and continues to put in the required "work" and time to improve herself, and never stops. This is where I am with myself, and I don't think it means I am not "datable".

[carhill]

Anyone with social skills can put on the dog for a few weeks, a few months and, sometimes, even until after marriage. In fact, disordered people are some of the most skillful I've ever met, socially. Do FOO issues in the abuse/molestation/rape areas always result in being disordered? Absolutely not. Plenty of people deal with those issues and go on to have satisfying interpersonal relationships. In my case, demographics come into play, where more men are chasing fewer women so it follows that those women who are or have been found to be disordered or poor relationship candidates will often be the ones 'left'. The ones who went sideways, launched a marriage or LTR and then got help and fixed the issues are quickly snapped up.

 

I'll wager that the unfortunate lady whom is now my friend's widow will have a boyfriend after a couple months. That's just how things work around here. In fact, I'll wager there will be guys hitting on her at the celebration of life this weekend. She's pretty normal from my interactions and comes from a religious family and is under 50. Propriety might keep me out of the fray but I've seen it enough to know better. Even if she were disordered, that wouldn't stop some folks. Women are in demand.

 

As I'll be 55 next year, my opinion is that, if someone hasn't dealt with their issues by my age, I'm not interested in providing unpaid therapy and being their punching bag. Let some other guy deal with it.

[soccerrprp]

Currently dating a woman who's father was and still is less-than ideal. She's tried to create a more positive relationship with him, but to no avail. She now has some self-esteem, image, confidence issues and I do my utmost to help her dismiss or minimize such feelings. It's funny, but early on, she was actually suspicious of my vastly positive up-bringing and the close relationship I have with my family. She couldn't believe that it could be so positive. Of course I have my own issues, but her childhood and dating past has made her the way she is... suspicious, cynical.

 

Her father having little confidence in her abilities didn't help, of course. Anyway....

[Babolat]

She now has some self-esteem, image, confidence issues and I do my utmost to help her dismiss or minimize such feelings.

 

I am curious to hear how you help her. Has she asked for help? Did she request certain behavior/actions from you?

 

Or did you recognize it on your own, and you are helping her without her knowing it?

[Babolat]

Anyone with social skills can put on the dog for a few weeks, a few months and, sometimes, even until after marriage. In fact, disordered people are some of the most skillful I've ever met, socially. Do FOO issues in the abuse/molestation/rape areas always result in being disordered? Absolutely not. Plenty of people deal with those issues and go on to have satisfying interpersonal relationships. In my case, demographics come into play, where more men are chasing fewer women so it follows that those women who are or have been found to be disordered or poor relationship candidates will often be the ones 'left'. The ones who went sideways, launched a marriage or LTR and then got help and fixed the issues are quickly snapped up.

 

I'll wager that the unfortunate lady whom is now my friend's widow will have a boyfriend after a couple months. That's just how things work around here. In fact, I'll wager there will be guys hitting on her at the celebration of life this weekend. She's pretty normal from my interactions and comes from a religious family and is under 50. Propriety might keep me out of the fray but I've seen it enough to know better. Even if she were disordered, that wouldn't stop some folks. Women are in demand.

 

As I'll be 55 next year, my opinion is that, if someone hasn't dealt with their issues by my age, I'm not interested in providing unpaid therapy and being their punching bag. Let some other guy deal with it.

 

Always love your posts...thanks!

[miss_jaclynrae]

I am curious to hear how you help her. Has she asked for help? Did she request certain behavior/actions from you?

 

Or did you recognize it on your own, and you are helping her without her knowing it?

 

I requested certain behaviors actions from my man.

From the beginning of the relationship I made certain things very clear. As the relationship went on and blossomed, there are always times when one of us needs something from the other. Whether he needs me to show more support of his life goals, or it is me needing him profess his undying love for me more.

 

 

My boyfriend isn't my therapist, he is my partner. We lean on each other for support, and gladly provide it. We also are not perfect and sometimes he needs something from me that I haven't been giving, and we voice those wants and needs.

 

He isn't helping me by fixing me, is helps me just through us being together and together having a working healthy relationship.

 

Which is why, I don't think personal "problems" should get in the way of a relationship. If anything, with the right person, you both help each other grow and learn to face your own demons, accept them, and adjust.

 

 

Our issues make us who we are, there is a reason why I love so fiercely, and a reason why I put my all into my relationships. Just how there is a reason why my boyfriend is so in touch with his emotions and has no problem displaying his feelings.

 

It is those things that some may not like about us, that we love about each other. We never sat down and said "Hey, so I am really ****ed up in the head, can you help fix me by loving me?"

 

 

 

It is just a normal relationship, we just happen to have baggage. With the two of us though, it weights next to nothing.

[RedRobin]

A common example I've experienced personally is the scenario where the woman has a strained relationship with her mother, or outright hates her, and explains the impetus being a stepfather molesting her. The 'reason' came out because of the dramatic relationship in the present, even though the impetus was, in every case, decades in the past. Such circumstances indicate the person cannot leave the past in the past. In the past, I gave a lot of benefit of the doubt for such behaviors, but no more. Life is too short at my age. Healthier to be alone. I'll be damned if I'll have some woman putting me down for having a loving and healthy childhood, ever again.

 

Yep on the first.

 

... and on the second... Yea, I don't understand that.

 

You'd think she would try to emulate the traits you learned from your upbringing rather than tear you down.

[Babolat]

Update: Almost 3 weeks NC. She did send me an email Friday night, which I waitied until Sunday night to read and reply to.

 

She wanted to tell me, again, she is not drinking as much, went the entire week without drinking, did not go out, and they she does not think she has a problem at all. She did have to say, which I thought was cute, "but I am going out tonight!"

 

She said she misses me, loves me, sees us together, growing old together, that she needs more time to make sure she is OK with her "going out" and drinking. She is afraid to lose me, but understands it may happen, and that she is scared to date again because of how she loses herself when dating.

 

I replied, pretty much acknowledging her comments, repeating what I heard.