Dating a woman who did not have a father figure, or other abuse/emotional issues

[Babolat]

This is a tough/difficult question to ask, and I will probably get some smacks for doing so.

 

At my age, 47, the majority, actually I think all, of the woman I have met, and/or dated have either been cheated on, were emotionally and/or physically abused in previous relationships, and/or did not have a father figure growing up, so it "appears" they need external validation from men.

 

I have been told by some smart folks on LS that I can be a "fixer" in a relationship and that I can exhibit codependency.

 

I said "at 47" as at my age, dating is different. It's not like when I was in my 20s or in my 30s. There are more life experiences, more baggage, more "things to deal with" if you will. I think meeting woman is easier, seems like there are a lot more "out there" "looking" in my age range.

 

I am no gem and I don't come without my baggage either; I know that, and I know I am a work in progress, so this is not an attack on woman, at all.

 

Sometimes I think to myself "don't date them once you discover this". Sounds easy, right? Well, that to me feels a bit shallow and in my case would mean no dating. Then I think "just be patient, understadning, listen, be supportive, etc", which I have done. Yet, the issues are still there.

 

Then I think "why am I attracting these types" or "Why am I attracted to these types". Again, something I have studied, researched, thought about.

 

For the LS woman who have been cheated on, who have been emotionally and/or physically abused, who did not have a father figure and may have issues with male attention and validation, what are your thoughts?

 

 

Thanks

[darkmoon]

father figure? I had an absent dad, so this offer was made to me a lot, only father do not screw their daughters, it is one way if trying to get close to me, older man trying to convince younger me to date him, clutching at a straw, I realized it also meant even being controlled one occasion, all bad, sorry, I grew to avoid these types, prefering real appropriate bonding

 

that's me, see what others say

 

you might have a face women confide in, I get told tons of secrets I have a sympathetic face

Edited September 11, 2013 by darkmoon

[Babolat]

father figure? I had an absent dad, so this offer was made to me a lot, only father do not screw their daughters, it is one way if trying to get close to me, older man trying to convince younger me to date him, clutching at a straw, I realized it also meant even being controlled one occasion, all bad, sorry, I grew to avoid these types, not a Sinatra fan too young

 

that's me, see what others say

 

you might have a face women confide in, I get told tons of secrets I have a sympathetic face

 

I am glad you mentioned control, as I hear this a lot from woman I date/meet; that previous SOs controlled them.

 

Good for you for recognizing a pattern and breaking it.

[mtber75]

If your dating a younger women like 10 years or more...They probably do have some daddy issues. I once dated a women 8 years younger and her father was not affectionate towards her growing up and I could tell that she was bitter about that!

 

EVERYONE have past baggage! You just may be more experience in noticing it when you grow older!

[Woggle]

Unless they do some serious work on themselves it is almost impossible to have a healthy relationship with them.

 

I get that I have similar issues from the male side of things but I am doing work on myself which many people don't.

[Babolat]

Does anyone think it's possible to "work on yourself" and date at the same time? If not, then when do you know "you have worked on yourself, you are done and can date now?"

 

I was on an OLD site last night, saw a few that intriqued me, but then I thought to myself "here we go again" and then I lost interest.

 

I created a profile a week or so ago, I am getting messages from women, yet I am not replying as all I can think is "here we go again".

 

I guess, I am asking, how do you know, how do you filter, what is the filter...either in my OLD profile, or in that initial discovery period when dating someone, how do you "cover" this...

 

This feels like a really strange question.....I have something on my mind, having a difficult time articulating.

Edited September 11, 2013 by Babolat

[miss_jaclynrae]

We all have our issues.

 

 

If you want someone issue free, plan to be single forever.

I don't know anyone who has had the luxury of living a "perfect" life.

 

 

I have abandonment issues, the boyfriend has alcohol dependency issues... who cares?

Humans are meant to have flaws, it is looking past those things or learning to work with them that makes a relationship a beautiful thing.

[CarrieT]

For the LS woman who have been cheated on, who have been emotionally and/or physically abused, who did not have a father figure and may have issues with male attention and validation, what are your thoughts?

 

As I have told my story multiple times, for those first-timers here is a re-cap: Raped three times, married at 20 to the first guy who said the "L" word. At 25, I walked in on my husband and another man -- but not after we tried swinging and orgy scenes. My next relationship was with a cross-dresser and I thought I was doing better because he at least like to have sex with women.

 

As one who has gone through an entire adult life looking for male attention and validation, I don't think you will EVER find a woman that doesn't have some form of validation issues. it is part-and-parcel with the societal norm that has been created for women of "our generation" (Babalot, I'm 49 - we are of the same era).

 

So, you can either find a woman who has these issues and deal with it -- and hope she has been through enough therapy to know how to deal with it as well -- or become celibate. Because I truly believe that those of us who came of age in the late 70s and into the 80s have these types of issues. I don't have a single girlfriend who wasn't treated like a piece of meat during that era and it shaped who we are now.

 

With that in mind, I pity the girls now who are learning the lifestyle of FWB and NSA. Their therapy sessions a decade from now will make many doctors very, very rich.

[TheGuard13]

What she said.

 

I'll date someone with some baggage or issues, as long as they can act like an adult and manage their issues, and not let them torpedo the relationship. That means they communicate effectively and act like an adult with me. Everyone has something they deal with, that's just the nature of life.

[bob the brave]

I would agree with Woggle. You are talking about very deep seated issues of which they may not be cognizant or even want to let go. Just like any other mental issues, they must be aware of them, agree it is a problem and WANT to get better.

 

I councelor once told me we all subconsciously seek to reconstruct or parents relationship. If a girl had an abusive father, she will seek an abusive partner either because they think this is normal or they are trying to subconsciously reconstruct the past issue in an attempt to find closure. Deep stuff, even the most attentive, caring and understanding partner cannot fix.

 

If you are in such a relationship, try to find out as much as you can about her past. If you believe she truly has problems and you want to be with her long term, tell her to seek counceling and you will be there for whatever she needs. This is not usually something someone can handle alone or with amatuer help. Even an experienced councelor may not succeed.

 

Unless you really know what you are doing and can take a lot of drama, these people are toxic.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm jot single and haven't dated in almot 30 years but I'm going to throw my two cents in.

 

Hubby told me he thinks I should date after he's gone and get married again and I honestly thought about how it might be. I've been to some OLD sites to look around. Bottom line for me is that I'm set in my ways. I actually evaluated my priorities and what I am realistically able to change about myself and what compromises I'm willing to change.

 

I'm very different from the person I was and very stubborn. Not many OLD profiles held my interest but a few did. As you said I am a work in progress. I am in control of my life and there are few things that I would be comfortable relinquishing that control. I would expect the same from a new partner. But its doable if our fundamental priorities were aligned. However I'm not sure I have the energy to really build a relationship with someone. It takes work and might be a good 10 - 15 years to settle in to new routines and complete acceprance. It could happen sooner if we know how to argue, when to call a disagreement a draw and how to move on without it always being in the back of my mind.

 

I liken it to buying your first house. You love it and get what uou want but after a few years you realize that the next house needs bigger closets, the rwo car garage should be a single door opening do you can pull in the middle rather than the brick column separating the sides, and the kitchen window doesn't have to be over the sink. None of those are big deals now because you live with them now- but thdy become more, or less, a priority when shopping for the next house.

 

I would look at a prospective new partner and tell him when I need him to fix something and when I just need an ear and a hug and leave it alone - I'll fix it myself. That's going to be tough for some people and they might not stick around.

[todreaminblue]

my father was very present extremely strict.......unforgiving......not affectionate.......i was raking a huge yard at five years of age.....so he was a task master......and i was the task he set to do work from quite little actually....i had to get up at six thirty every morning and do chores then i went to school, i would come home look after my little sister, feed her ,homework more chores and then eight thirty bed.....he would strap me for punishment......he never not once.... held my hand crossing a road and not even a high way........or reached out to hug me when i cried...in fact he hated tears......when i wen tto hug and kiss him at night he wouldl turn his face......

 

 

now .....

 

 

i dont blame him for me being who i am now...i am scared of rejection from males i will not approach unless i am absolutely compelled to and i go in petrified...kamikaze deb....

 

 

my father was a hard man to love....but i loved him.......still do./.........i actually think i can be pretty awesome sometimes...sometimes i really suck but with all the things he made me do, how he treated me and the discipline he taught me....i am a soldier.......theres not much i cant do ....he had a never give up metnality....extremely strong minded and will of iron....he taugh tme that.......because even when i am scared......i stand up......my father gave me many positive lessons....he took me to places that were amazing........he taught me things no other would have...and as far as who i am....i have far more to offer a guy than my childhood......i am not accountable for my fathers parenting skills.......or over parenting skills.......i make my own choices in life ......and i have mad skills...;0)...lol...deb

[miss_jaclynrae]

What about those without parents?

Both of mine were (and are still) meth heads.

I was raised by my grandmother and other relatives being mostly my aunt and uncle until I turned 16 and was dropped off at foster care.

 

 

 

I have a **** ton of problems!

That being said, I am in a very healthy relationship.

Problems don't make a person broken and unworthy of a relationship.

[Divasu]

A woman's self esteem is very much influenced by her relationship (or lack of one) with her father. It sets the stage for how she interacts with the men that come into her life, from adolescence to adult hood.

 

So, if he was emotionally "absent", she is going to look for someone who can satisfy her unfulfilled emotional needs on a very tangent and perhaps overly co-dependent level. Which means, she will have a very strong need for male approval.

 

Typically, a woman who has unresolved dealings as a result of an absent father, will find herself working through those issues WITHIN the relationship. That rarely works and the end result is usually the same.

 

Your best course of action, is working on yourself solely, so that you are not attracted to these types of women. In turn, women who are subconsciously seeking a father figure, won't be attracted to you because you will have eliminated the need to be a "fixer" which they are instinctively drawn to.

[nescafe1982]

My father swang from basically absent (drug addiction) to physically and emotionally abusive (when sober). When I was 14 he and I got into a fist-fight (well, that's what he called it. really it was him beating me and me fighting back) and he had me arrested and incarcerated. When I got out and the charges were dropped, he'd had my stuff thrown out of the house and commanded my mother and siblings not to speak to me anymore. Yeah, that **** ****ed me up for a while.

 

For a long time after that, I used sex and relationships to get housing, food, and basic necessities out of men. I developed a codependent attachment style. When I lucked into a "good guy" we got together and stayed together for 7 years... but we were so codependent that we stayed together even when the relationship had become toxic. He cheated (with another woman he wanted to "fix") and we broke up. I sought professional help to work on my codependency issues and to rediscover myself. It was difficult work (and I'm still not "done..." We're never "done" working on ourselves as you ask OP), but that was 4 years ago, and now I'm in a healthy relationship with a man who does not at ALL resemble my previous "type." Our relationship is night-and-day different than all my old romances, male friendships, and patterns I had with family (these interpersonal issues are usually global, affecting all relationships).

 

My point is that if you are self-aware about a codependency issue and are committed to working on it, you can have a healthy relationship. If you find that most of the women you date also have "issues," what matters is not whether the issues are present but whether the woman is self-aware of them and committed to working on them. I personally believe that if everyone ruled out dating a person with significant family, social, or psychological issues, a whole lot of people would be lonely for no good reason. Perhaps what you need to assess when you find out about a woman's issues is what she's doing to work on them, to improve herself. If the answer is "nothing," then that is something to think about. And you need to be ESPECIALLY careful about women who aren't doing enough to work past their own issues, because if you're a "fixer" you two will enable negative behaviors. Find a woman who takes emotional self-care very seriously... that might be the personality trait you want.

 

btw, I don't think your questions was *******-ish at all.

Edited September 12, 2013 by nescafe1982

[TouchedByViolet]

generally speaking, every straight person wants some level of external validation from the opposite sex and exhibits some form of codependency in a relationship. I never understood the emphasis on daddy issues, other than in joking. I have seen plenty of women come from great families who are nuts, and ladies from broken houses who are lovely. Also, I have seen sisters from the same family be as different as night and day. I don't buy a lot of those one variable answers.

 

At the age of 47 most people have been through some major **** regardless of their parental situation.

[Babolat]

What about those without parents?

Both of mine were (and are still) meth heads.

I was raised by my grandmother and other relatives being mostly my aunt and uncle until I turned 16 and was dropped off at foster care.

 

 

 

I have a **** ton of problems!

That being said, I am in a very healthy relationship.

Problems don't make a person broken and unworthy of a relationship.

 

You have a VERY similar childhood to my ex gf. Both parents were heavy drug users, she was an accident, they did not want her, told her that many times, dumped her off to a grandmother at age 5, grandmother was very emotionally abusive to her, she left, moved in with neighbors (who she refers to as her foster family) lived with different friends as a teen....

 

I am not suggesting problems make anyone unworthy of a relationship.

[serial muse]

Well, speaking only for myself, I had an absent father and was also cheated on in a previous relationship. So that's two. But...hello, I'm 42, someone cheated on me in a previous relationship...is that really so unusual? I've also been in several relationships where that didn't happen, including my current one.

 

Anyway, I certainly didn't take any absent daddy issues I might have had and turn them into a desperate need for male approval or another "daddy" to take care of me. I'm not saying it doesn't happen...but maybe it's a bit reductive to assume that that's the root of someone's codependency issues? There are so many variables.

 

With respect, OP, I think, if you're a fixer type, it's your own codependency issues that are more worth focusing on. I think it becomes tempting to solve others' problems for them...but why not ask yourself where your need to rescue comes from instead? That, at least, you can do something about.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You have a VERY similar childhood to my ex gf. Both parents were heavy drug users, she was an accident, they did not want her, told her that many times, dumped her off to a grandmother at age 5, grandmother was very emotionally abusive to her, she left, moved in with neighbors (who she refers to as her foster family) lived with different friends as a teen....

 

I am not suggesting problems make anyone unworthy of a relationship.

 

 

you kinda are though, otherwise you would give the relationship a shot. Its about compatibility.

[Babolat]

Well, speaking only for myself, I had an absent father and was also cheated on in a previous relationship. So that's two. But...hello, I'm 42, someone cheated on me in a previous relationship...is that really so unusual? I've also been in several relationships where that didn't happen, including my current one.

 

Anyway, I certainly didn't take any absent daddy issues I might have had and turn them into a desperate need for male approval or another "daddy" to take care of me. I'm not saying it doesn't happen...but maybe it's a bit reductive to assume that that's the root of someone's codependency issues? There are so many variables.

 

With respect, OP, I think, if you're a fixer type, it's your own codependency issues that are more worth focusing on. I think it becomes tempting to solve others' problems for them...but why not ask yourself where your need to rescue comes from instead? That, at least, you can do something about.

 

Agreed, and I am putting in the work to figure this out. Read some good books on codependency, working with a counselor, etc.

[Babolat]

you kinda are though, otherwise you would give the relationship a shot. Its about compatibility.

 

With my female best friend I am not giving it a shot mostly because I love our friendship and I do not want to lose that. It's something new to me, I really enjoy it, and I would hate to lose it if we started dating and it did not work out.

[carhill]

Dating a woman who did not have a father figure, or other abuse/emotional issues

 

Minefield, IME. Nothing worse than getting the baggage and the 'well, you were Beaver Cleaver so what would you know' besides. Never again.

[RedRobin]

First off, the choices someone else made (ie the perpetrator) has nothing to do with the victim.

 

The issues are the perps and why more isn't done to stop this kind of behavior.

 

Stigmatizing women (or anyone... male or female) who have been victims and assuming they are all damaged goods only carries the abuse further into the future. I'm not even sure why anyone would want to tell a future partner about something long past anyway. Especially if it involves something they had no control over.

 

As for dealing with whatever fallout occurs from ANY of the troubles we encounter in life... I'd argue that we are all tasked to have enough emotional energy left over after work, maybe kids, and other day-to-day things that arise to devote to a partner.

 

What I look for is someone who it is possible to enjoy the present and future with, and can devote a reasonable amount of time with me doing healthy things.... whose daily life isn't consumed by dealing with daily drama.

 

In other words... What you want to avoid Babolat, are those consumed by drama. Doesn't matter where the source... past or present.

[Babolat]

First off, the choices someone else made (ie the perpetrator) has nothing to do with the victim.

 

The issues are the perps and why more isn't done to stop this kind of behavior.

 

Stigmatizing women (or anyone... male or female) who have been victims and assuming they are all damaged goods only carries the abuse further into the future. I'm not even sure why anyone would want to tell a future partner about something long past anyway. Especially if it involves something they had no control over.

 

As for dealing with whatever fallout occurs from ANY of the troubles we encounter in life... I'd argue that we are all tasked to have enough emotional energy left over after work, maybe kids, and other day-to-day things that arise to devote to a partner.

 

What I look for is someone who it is possible to enjoy the present and future with, and can devote a reasonable amount of time with me doing healthy things.... whose daily life isn't consumed by dealing with daily drama.

 

In other words... What you want to avoid Babolat, are those consumed by drama. Doesn't matter where the source... past or present.

 

Well said, good way to put this, and I agree.

[carhill]

I'm not even sure why anyone would want to tell a future partner about something long past anyway. Especially if it involves something they had no control over.

 

A common example I've experienced personally is the scenario where the woman has a strained relationship with her mother, or outright hates her, and explains the impetus being a stepfather molesting her. The 'reason' came out because of the dramatic relationship in the present, even though the impetus was, in every case, decades in the past. Such circumstances indicate the person cannot leave the past in the past. In the past, I gave a lot of benefit of the doubt for such behaviors, but no more. Life is too short at my age. Healthier to be alone. I'll be damned if I'll have some woman putting me down for having a loving and healthy childhood, ever again.