should i keep chasing or give up i love her and have kids involved

[starboyz2010]

ill try keep this as short as I can were to start well I had been with my ex 5 years we were engaged for a year and we have two beautiful girls aged 2 and 4 my ex is 21 and i am 24 I was with my ex for 3months before she turned pregnant we where really happy together when my oldest was born few months later I went Amsterdam with few of my mates (biggest mistake of my life) slept with a few prostitutes any way always felt guilty but did want to get it off my chest I did want to tell her but when I felt the time was right maybe few years down the line but any way as time went on about a year down the line I started to become suspicious of her always wanting to go out and just being the girls not wanting me their ect ect so one day I asked to look on her face book and she would not let me she said in the morning so come morning I had to go work but when I got to work I asked for her password and went on her face book (probably already been on by this time) but as I looked was nothing to find few messages from my mum but then I asked for her Hotmail password there I found loads of email reports of messages she had on face book from lots of different boys one of them being her ex from few years ago was only with him 3 months she says he slept with her sister.. unfortunately I only have what messages they had sent and nothing from her the messages were saying things like it was good the over night not like we haven't done it before real sexy time and exchanging numbers things like that well me having been on steroids at the time didn't take things very well and went to are flat and smashed the place up and questioned her on it and told her what I had done in Amsterdam she denied every thing and had an excuse for it all but just dose not seam right we broke up and I was in bits I still wanted her back as I do love her really I should of handled the situation differently and I messed up but after a lot of begging she eventually took me back but still denies having done any thing and I wanted her to do I lie test but had no grounds to stand on as I wanted her and I had cheated her reason because I have cheated she dose not want to give me the satisfaction of her having done nothing??? not long after she turned pregnant with my youngest daughter and we were happy but none of us had trust well I had no trust I became controlling and didn't want her going out and when she did was just arguments I have nether hit her and never will but I just could not trust her and she didn't want to ern it was more interested in going with her mates then me but I know I should not stop her going out but I was just always paranoid any one day we went out for her sisters new boy friends birthday and went out with a few people we didn't know well she got really drunk and was just talking to loads of boys the hole night me being me got the hump so end of night as I carried her home in her state I said I think maybe I should move out and we have a break few days down the line I was looking at places really I didn't want to move out but was just seeking attention from her that she didn't give me I was hoping for her to say she didn't want me to go but it back fired and I didn't want to go but she wanted me to come few weeks latter shes kicking me out going back on face book siting on her phone ect so iv move out I was upset and asked for her back many of times but she just said no eventually I stoped talking to her and started seeing over girls one of them being a girl she knows not a good idea (rebound) any way hadn't seen my kids for 3 weeks and it was my oldest 4th birthday so I wanted to go see her and bring her present I could not stay long as I just got upset so I went but suddenly me and my ex started talking again and started seeing each over she asked if I had been with any one unfortunately I lied as I didn't want to mess up as I thought she would not give me another chance like an idiot I was seeing another girl at the same time for about a week n she found out got the hump but we still were trying and I told her about the girl she new and we had a talk and she told me she went on a few dates with another boy but didn't like him said they only kissed unfortunately I ended up giving her chlamydia this was not good but we tried sorting things she was still talking to boys at this time and it was getting the best of me I was constantly trying to catch her out even had a mate ring me up saying he saw her with two blokes and they were leaning all over her one night out but she said he was drunk and just talking my mate is one to talk a load of bull and would not talk to her to try sort things out so I just took her word for it but things didn't seem to get better she stoped kissing me holding my hand having sex was rare in the end she said she wanted a break and we can talk again in 3 months well I tried my best it lasted 3 weeks same stuff different day then trying my best with the kids on the weekend hoping we would get back together in 3 months so I was doing little things to try get her back taking pics of me and kids having fun ect but on my birthday I had the kids had a very hot stressful day took them home to her mum but she was out to see a friend in hospital waiting around till 11 at night I had cleared her cupboard of alcohol and got a bit drunk when she got in things were fine just talking and having a chat then she turned round and said right want to go bed can you go I got the hump because she called her mum over to get rid of me and (taking steroids again) I lost it and smashed up her place then left in a mess my dad tried to pick me up but I ran off seeing that I had her keys I went back few hours later try open the door she open and I walked in her mum was their I just wanted to talk then my dad came over and her mum asked dose she want me she said no and I said well could you please tell me the truth about you ex and she would not and all I had was my dad telling me to come with him and I lost it again smashed more things up and left iv been depressed and cut every one from out my life left work and been very grim its been about 8 months since we first split up and was a month ago since I last smashed up her place since then I went to a festival with a group of friend and she went with another group she got in a mess and was sick I looked after her and she went back to mine after just stayed top and toe in my bed for 3 hours then went I know that I have been a bad person and was in the wrong I should of dealt with every thing differently but I let my emotions get the better of me I still really love her and want her and my family back but she has always given me the silent treatment and always given me mixed signals recently she was drunk in a pub telling my friends she had a new boy friend I asked her if she had slept with him she said it had nothing to do with me she just wants me their for the kids eventually she said she had slept with some one else I don't no if shes telling the truth or not but I still really love her I want her back i wanted to go Disney land with the family and make it up to her but I have given up at the minute she wants to just be friends so im going to try and be a good friend hope maybe we could get back together?? I am going to go see a doctor about depression and a paranoid disorder I don't no what to think of all this any views would be nice I would like her back but do you think i shouldn't get my hopes up and just hope she will come after me or should I keep chasing her she has taken me back before or just give up but I don't like giving up couldn't picture life with out her???? there is a lot more to it but I have put the main things and explained to the best that i could thanks for any opinion

[SoleMate]

Your first order of business should be to quit drinking and start immediately on treatment for your obvious emotional issues. The violence is completely unacceptable.

 

Second thing is to focus on the needs of your children. You have been severely neglectful.

 

In the long run, both of the efforts above give you your best chance to restore a relationship with the mother of your children.

 

P.S. You'd get more responses if you edited your story to focus on the main points only, and also included punctuation and especially paragraph breaks.

[starboyz2010]

thanks for your response I took my kids out today for a few hours although I do struggle on my own my ex seems to be happy and moving on the guy she is seeing is a good looking guy she doesn't tell me much though I had to work it all out for myself yeah sorry im not very good at punctuation as you can tell lol what would be the main points I would focus on?