Lovelorn00 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Hello there, New to the community here. Just want to say how helpful this forum has been in a lot of areas. Like many of you, I'm still trying to navigate this roller coaster ride called dating and also attempt to learn more about myself along the way. This question has probably been asked before, and while I have searched the forum and read many responses pertaining to this kind of question, I'd like to get some opinions on my particular situation. I've been dating a guy for about a month. We've been on 6-7 dates. By the third date, things got pretty hot and heavy (making out, rolling around in bed), but there has been no sex yet. In fact, he put the red light on sex the first two times we were intimate. The third time is explained below. This past weekend, I met some of his closest friends. We all hit it off amazingly well - couldn't have asked for a better first meeting. He was absolutely thrilled about the fact that his friends and I got along so well. The situation, his reaction, their reactions - had all the hallmarks of someone feeling me out for potential gf material, which made me feel pretty good. Later Saturday night, I mustered up the nerve to have "the conversation" with him. The "I'd like to slow things down" conversation. I went on to explain that I really like him and enjoy spending time with him, but I'm not quite ready to have sex with him yet. Some may see me as a bit of a prude, but I tend to wait a while before having sex with someone. Just my own personal preference. I believe he understood that my interest in him hasn't changed at all. I just want to take a step back and develop a healthy relationship the right way. Slow it down and get to know each other on an emotional level, not just physical. I'm usually pretty quick to rush into relationships, and I realize that it's a major reason why I'm chronically single. I want to do things differently this time around. However, I'm afraid it might be too late. While we haven't had sex, we've been pretty intimate a few times, and I wish I would've stuck to my guns and waited before hopping into the sack with him. So my question is... Is it even possible to slow down the pacing of a relationship after it has gotten off to a quick start? If so, what are some ways to do this without the other person losing interest? Or is this relationship doomed now that we've rolled around in the hay so early? As always, any advice is appreciated!
Philosoraptor Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Sure, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. If he respects you and wants to be with you, he will slow it down a bit and continue working on the other parts of the relationship. If he's not ok with it, he has the choice to leave. All you can control is what you do, he has to make a decision based on that.
heartshaped Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I think sometimes people get way too caught up with timing in a relationship. I've had relationships that started off slow go bad and relationships that have started off fast fizzle out. I think the important thing is to take things at a pace that is natural and you both feel comfortable with. IMO pacing isn't going to make or break a relationship. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Do you want to slow things down because you don't want to have sex, or because you are afraid of what will happen to the relationship if you do have sex?
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Sure, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. If he respects you and wants to be with you, he will slow it down a bit and continue working on the other parts of the relationship. If he's not ok with it, he has the choice to leave. All you can control is what you do, he has to make a decision based on that. Ah, you're right. I think part of the problem is in my inability to let go and just let things happen. I'm just afraid that we'll lose that "spark" quickly, now that we've been somewhat intimate. I think sometimes people get way too caught up with timing in a relationship. I've had relationships that started off slow go bad and relationships that have started off fast fizzle out. I think the important thing is to take things at a pace that is natural and you both feel comfortable with. IMO pacing isn't going to make or break a relationship. Great advice. I've been neck-deep in relationship blogs, self-help books, articles, etc. It's soooo easy to get caught up in the "rules" of dating. I overanalyze every little move I make, and it drives me absolutely insane. I wish I could learn to just let go and let things happen naturally, but it's proving to be quite difficult. Do you want to slow things down because you don't want to have sex, or because you are afraid of what will happen to the relationship if you do have sex? I'm afraid of what will happen to the relationship if we do have sex. Trust me, I definitely want to go there with him, but I know myself well enough emotionally to know that I'll get attached. Moreso than I already am. That's bad news for me if we don't end up actually establishing an emotional connection. I'll just get hurt.
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