AutumnMoon Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I have no idea what to do. If I leave my marriage it would rock so many worlds. Our kids are young and both sides of our family are so intertwined. I'm not unhappy all the time, but would I be having an affair if I was in love with my husband anymore? It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him I'm done.. I want a divorce. But I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose him completely, I just don't want to feel so alone anymore in my life. I have no idea if anything is missing or of this is just what would have happened in any relationship over this many years.
imfine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 You will never know as long as you are engaging in an EMA. I recommend you completely end your A, take time to heal, make every effort to get back to where your marriage was preA and then make a decision. Can you handle only seeing your children half of the time? Can you live with the guilt of dividing two families? Can you make it financially? There is so much more to consider being "in love." So many people realize too late their marriage wasn't so bad. Imagine Christmas morning waking up alone without your children.
MissBee Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Have you tried to work on your marriage? You haven't really said anything about that, so I wasn't sure if you've tried and it just still hasn't worked. But it seems most people just keep their unhappiness to themselves and expect miracles when marriage is work. It's like any partnership...if there are issues and things aren't as you'd like them having a frank conversation and trying to find solutions and a middle ground is best. If after that it is irreconcilable, alright. But it seems as though you aren't sure. I do think it's good to query whether or not the problem is the relationship being wrong or simply that without proper care any relationship, no matter how glorious it seems at first, has the potential to disintegrate as well. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 You will never know as long as you are engaging in an EMA. I recommend you completely end your A, take time to heal, make every effort to get back to where your marriage was preA and then make a decision. Can you handle only seeing your children half of the time? Can you live with the guilt of dividing two families? Can you make it financially? There is so much more to consider being "in love." So many people realize too late their marriage wasn't so bad. Imagine Christmas morning waking up alone without your children. I don't even see how I would have the kids half the time. I have them 75 percent of the time completely alone right now. I actually envision having then 100 percent of the time alone with a divorce.. I feel he wouldn't even attempt to be around. Yes, I could make it financially. But yes.. It's disappointing all of our extended family and friends and the kids. That's why I stay. No huge abusive fights.. Nothing like that. He's just not around. He has different priorities than I do and I am not one of them. In his eyes I am because he makes very good money. He should have been married in the 50's. I am supposed to raise the kids and take care of the home and I do, but I also work full time.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Have you tried to work on your marriage? You haven't really said anything about that, so I wasn't sure if you've tried and it just still hasn't worked. But it seems most people just keep their unhappiness to themselves and expect miracles when marriage is work. It's like any partnership...if there are issues and things aren't as you'd like them having a frank conversation and trying to find solutions and a middle ground is best. If after that it is irreconcilable, alright. But it seems as though you aren't sure. I do think it's good to query whether or not the problem is the relationship being wrong or simply that without proper care any relationship, no matter how glorious it seems at first, has the potential to disintegrate as well. I've tried to tell him everything that bothers me. What I need. It doesn't compute. He believes men make money and take days off with friends, and women cook clean and raise kids and pleasure their men. I honestly feel like we've lost the friendship we used to have. He thinks counselling is a joke. He tried it once with me a few years ago, he won't again. I'm cheating on him with a friend of his. So I'm no saint. I'm not saying he's not a good guy. But he is being a terrible husband. I just want to feel valued. When I tell him that he tells me I'm selfish and having a pity party. I'm not saying he deserves what I'm doing, I'm just trying to figure out if we should even be married anymore. I feel like a 6 year old begging my dad for attention.
imfine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Just be sure. Nothing is more lonely than being completely alone and wondering if you made a huge mistake. It's worse than being alone in a marriage. I thought my kids would be with me the majority of the time and he would eventually walk away too. After all, I was the one that took care of their every need and spent time with them. My exH became hellbent on getting his 50% of their time just to get back at me, even if he sent them to friends or family instead of having them with him. Funny how being appreciated and "in love" doesn't seem to matter anymore when you are kept from the little ones you love the most.
MissBee Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I've tried to tell him everything that bothers me. What I need. It doesn't compute. He believes men make money and take days off with friends, and women cook clean and raise kids and pleasure their men. I honestly feel like we've lost the friendship we used to have. He thinks counselling is a joke. He tried it once with me a few years ago, he won't again. I'm cheating on him with a friend of his. So I'm no saint. I'm not saying he's not a good guy. But he is being a terrible husband. I just want to feel valued. When I tell him that he tells me I'm selfish and having a pity party. I'm not saying he deserves what I'm doing, I'm just trying to figure out if we should even be married anymore. I feel like a 6 year old begging my dad for attention. Well none of that is healthy. One thing I realize is: as an adult we make difficult choices. Do you WANT to work it out or are you done? There is no easy choice here. If you choose to work on stuff it will require frank conversations and accepting it still may not work. If you choose not to...it will involve frank conversations and reordering your life. Throw in you're sleeping with his friend...well you can't undo the drama of that. But you can choose to make any number of hard choices that will eventually lead somewhere vs. being stuck. Sometimes we ask for advice when in reality we want some easy, painless solution where no matter how effed up the situation we've created we think we will just hit a kill switch and things will be fine...but it doesn't work like that and the realistic choices we have will all be difficult.
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 My exH's affair gave ME the push to leave HIM. How's that from the other angle?
Calcmag Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Yes, it gave me the courage I needed to leave. It hadn't been right for many years. I kept trying and trying to make it work but nothing helped. But I absolutely knew that I was done.
imfine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 It's not that being alone is horrible, I have no problem with that. Don't miss my exH at all and never have. I too was done with being taken for granted, disrespected & lots of other things I won't list here. However OP said her children were small and with her the majority of the time. Just wanted to give her the reality of custody laws, divorce and the being away from your children. It's not always better for them when the H who has never cared for them and doesn't have a clue what they need miserably fails an attempt at being Disney dad. Not sure if she had considered that while being in the fog.
yellowmaverick Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 My exH's affair gave ME the push to leave HIM. How's that from the other angle? Same here. My WH's affair helped me see more clearly what a selfish person he had always been. Funny - it had the opposite effect on him. he realized how great I was as compared to his other "option". My gain. His loss.
dichotomy Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) . I just want to feel valued. I feel like a 6 year old begging my dad for attention. Why do you need a man (or anyone) to make you feel valued? Does allowing a man to give you attention in exhange for sex help you ? Sounds like you might be chassing and begging "Dad" for the rest of your life no matter you divorce or not. Not saying your husband is not an A-Hole (cause he sounds like it), but you need some IC first. Edited September 11, 2013 by dichotomy
Red Wolverine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I don't even see how I would have the kids half the time. I have them 75 percent of the time completely alone right now. I actually envision having then 100 percent of the time alone with a divorce.. I feel he wouldn't even attempt to be around. Yes, I could make it financially. But yes.. It's disappointing all of our extended family and friends and the kids. That's why I stay. No huge abusive fights.. Nothing like that. He's just not around. He has different priorities than I do and I am not one of them. In his eyes I am because he makes very good money. He should have been married in the 50's. I am supposed to raise the kids and take care of the home and I do, but I also work full time. Lots of similarities to my marriage. I became so cynical, felt so taken advantage of. I told him so many times and he blew it off. I bided my time and waited for my children to be old enough to split their time between us. My affair began at the very end of my marriage but it didn't have any impact on it. My decision to divorce was made years ago. Anyway, my life is fantastic now. My children have adjusted well. As much as a good job I believed I had done putting up a good front during my marriage, they felt the tension. That's all gone. Aside from living without all that resentment, I am now free to live life on my terms. It's beyond fabulous. You won't figure everything out in advance. Just take it in steps. Somehow it all works out. 1
Red Wolverine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) Keep in mind, if your affair is discovered, ALL emphasis will be on that rather than marital problems. It's not about the assignment of blame but you should seriously consider that. If the marriage is not salvageable, get out now. Edited September 11, 2013 by Red Wolverine 2
psm04 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Having the A actually gave me the strength to work on and stay in my marriage. I realized that I have a good thing at home, and that there are so many things about my H that I needed to be grateful for, after hearing the way xomm would talk about his wife and her family, and his constant grumpiness about something or the other. 1
Red Wolverine Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 The yearn for validation is universal in many married people having affairs. This is the root of your problem. You expect your H to be in charge of your happiness. This rarely works! Your H is probably happy on his own and the concept you have presented is completely foreign to him. Were you loved as a child? Many cheating OMs are very good at providing value and validation because they know it brings sex to them. I agree with some people constantly needing validation but there are other scenarios. Validation might have been a nice, occasional occurrence had it occurred in my marriage. What I was looking for was reasonable... Honesty, love, respect, and common decency. My xH provided an appearance (an act) of doing those things for most of the people in his life. I got the crap that was left over. I was told I was rigid. At first, I was confused and tried to solve the problem together. He'd act like he cared and put on a show then fall back to familiar patterns. This got worse after our chikdren came along. He believed they were a guarantee that I would never leave. In fact, threats were made related to them if I did. After a while, I made the decision to leave but waited for our children to be old enough to endure split time. During that time, indifference set in. By that time, he made no effort. Acted like a single man with the front of a family. He wasn't happy but he liked the live-in childcare, maid, and large salary I brought in. Validation became the least of what I needed in that marriage. I got plenty in my job, from family, and especially my children.
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