Bookish26 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I'm sorry if this is kind of long but I'd really love some advice and the situation is a bit complicated... Basically, my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue three weeks ago. I was completely blindsided and I keep hoping he'll realize he made a mistake and come back. We dated for seven months and were really happy for most of that time. We went on vacation together, hung out with each others' friends and families. And my boyfriend seemed so excited to be in a relationship with me - we made it 'official' three months in and he was so excited about that and about bringing me on his vacation with his friends and to his summer house with his friends. Then about two weeks before he ended things, I felt him start to pull away. In this time he was dealing with some other things - job stress and an intervention for his alcoholic father - and I hoped that was to blame. But then one night we go out to dinner and we do dinner and then drinks somewhere else. And the whole time he is talking about my birthday coming up and about his next business trip and planning when we'll see each other. We go back to his apartment and we're cuddling and, with his arm still around me, he tells me he thinks we should break up - that he doesn't see us getting married one day. I've spoken to a therapist about it and, after mentioning some 'red flags' (he had trouble with physical intimacy at first, etc.), the therapist said that he thinks my ex has a fear of intimacy. That when we started getting closer, he panicked and ended things. I guess my hope is that someone out there has some experience with a breakup like this - a fear of intimacy breakup - and might have some advice for me. Should I stop hoping he'll come back?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I'm sorry if this is kind of long but I'd really love some advice and the situation is a bit complicated... Basically, my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue three weeks ago. I was completely blindsided and I keep hoping he'll realize he made a mistake and come back. We dated for seven months and were really happy for most of that time. We went on vacation together, hung out with each others' friends and families. And my boyfriend seemed so excited to be in a relationship with me - we made it 'official' three months in and he was so excited about that and about bringing me on his vacation with his friends and to his summer house with his friends. Then about two weeks before he ended things, I felt him start to pull away. In this time he was dealing with some other things - job stress and an intervention for his alcoholic father - and I hoped that was to blame. But then one night we go out to dinner and we do dinner and then drinks somewhere else. And the whole time he is talking about my birthday coming up and about his next business trip and planning when we'll see each other. We go back to his apartment and we're cuddling and, with his arm still around me, he tells me he thinks we should break up - that he doesn't see us getting married one day. I've spoken to a therapist about it and, after mentioning some 'red flags' (he had trouble with physical intimacy at first, etc.), the therapist said that he thinks my ex has a fear of intimacy. That when we started getting closer, he panicked and ended things. I guess my hope is that someone out there has some experience with a breakup like this - a fear of intimacy breakup - and might have some advice for me. Should I stop hoping he'll come back? First, it sounds like you are going though a lot...for that, I am very sorry. I understand the pain you are going through (as do many of us on this site) and its something that isnt easy. There could be 10000 reasons why he did this: "intimacy fears" (which I dont believe in), he wasnt feeling it, he wasnt happy, he is talking to someone else on the side, etc etc etc. Personally, and thats why youre hear because you want answers, I think this "intimacy fear" is hogwash. Yes, I know people have different opinions on this, but I have HUGE doubts about that. Whatever the reason, the fact that he said he doesnt see you guys getting married and wants to break up is the only thing important. In addition, when someone breaks up with you, USUALLY its not spur of the moment. I bet my life savings he was thinking about doing this for a while now, you just didnt know. He moved on in his head, but you had NO idea. It sucks, but he has made the decision that he doesnt want to be with you anymore so that is the part you have to accept. Having hope just delays any process of getting better. Now that is out of the way, its time to focus on you. Do NOT talk to him. Do NOT try to convince him (never works), dont try to reason or guilt him. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIM. Go no contact and work on you again. Breakups are tough and they take time to heal. Go out, enjoy friends, work out, buy nice clothes, WHATEVER takes your mind off of it. Enjoy the days you have on this earth and this will pass. 1
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