Hope for hopeless Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) Maybe some of you read my previous post.Me ex left me cuz he had doubts if he is in love with me.Well,now he proposed.I love him alot and was dying for this moment,but I have doubts.I can not trust him again.He walked away from me twice in past 5 years.I don't know what to do.Am I putting myself up for a fail marriage?What if down the road he feels he isnt in love with me again?I dnt know what to do! Edited September 11, 2013 by Hope for hopeless
almond Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Share your concerns with him - they are more than valid. And if you are going to be getting married, then you definitely need to be able to communicate these sorts of issues. Tell him you love him and would like a future with him, but would like to work on building a stable relationship, and overcoming any issues that caused the previous separations first. If he objects or doesn't accept this, then in the long run, you will be thankful that you didn't marry him. Do not accept this proposal until you are certain. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Maybe some of you read my previous post.Me ex left me cuz he had doubts if he is in love with me.Well,now he proposed.I love him alot and was dying for this moment,but I have doubts.I can not trust him again.He walked away from me twice in past 5 years.I don't know what to do.Am I putting myself up for a fail marriage?What if down the road he feels he isnt in love with me again?I dnt know what to do! Walking away from you twice and then popping out a ring is very suspect to me so I see your concern. Guys are weird sometimes when it comes to commitment. Not an uncommon thing....however, for him to leave you because he didnt know if he loved you THEN come back with a ring shouts to me one thing: Insecurity. He is scared at his own shadow and wants OTHER things, but knows you will be there no matter what. I dont trust that at ALL. If I were you, I would NOT do it. Honestly, these are pretty large red flags he was and still is throwing up, but you dont see them. If anything, he needs to PROVE to you that he is loyal and faithful in order for you to get married. This isnt some paper you get signed on the way to Wal-Mart...marriage (at least to me) is a HUGE deal. If there is ANY lingering doubt, then absolutely not
barky2 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 My advice would be this...take it or leave it Tell him to save the ring, put it in his sock drawer. You guys sit down and you express everything in your heart that's bothering you. You tell him you only want to take things slow Date Keep it out of the house Yes that means no bumpin uglies for awhile. Yes I said that See how he reacts You will see very clearly if he is genuine. Barky 3
Author Hope for hopeless Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Thanks for all your advises.I am really lost.I don't want to lose him,but I also want to do the right thing.Him leaving caused alot of emotional wreck for me and now this proposal.I should talk to him,but I don't know how to start.I have tried to keep my dignity and now I don't want to spill out how I was hurt and let's work on things.He is pretty sure 200% that I will always be there for him no matter what.
barky2 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Tell him you need space to think about everything. And that you will be in touch when your ready. Then take a long walk, take a few days..and really soul search what YOU want. You'll have your answer. Barky 1
candie13 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 girl, allow me to share with you little of what helped me, when I was in a similar situation: "you can only choose or not choose". there are no in between. "I don't really know" doesn't exist. "I don't really know" is actually NO. Learn to read the right cues. Someone who walks on you not once, but twice... you are not the one, girl. Learn to look at things as they are, because they will not change. The REALITY is HE HAS BAILED. HE IS UNRELIABLE. Nothing worse than an unreliable partner. Is that your definition of happiness? Saying "yes" and living in fear for the rest of your life? Is this the best you can do? Face your fears and act upon the reality. The reality is you've LOST 5 YEARS of your life. The reality is you are not 20 forever. The reality is there are a lot of other mistakes out there, for you to try and to learn from. Nobody can buy us back the time we have wasted refusing to learn from out own mistakes. I've also said "no" to the ring. My ex at the time hadn't left me, but he wasn't really sure, he didn't really know. I was 100% decided to not have the ring. Listen, getting married is / or should be / the absolute act of trust and of happiness. When I want to get married, I want to feel that my partner is just as eager as I am to marry me, that he is ridiculously happy and that he is 100% convinced we are made to be together. That is what I want and I will never settle for anything else. What I'm trying to say is: I may not be Nostradamus, but you are about to make a WRONG decision. Up to you to stick around even more time hurting like crazy, instead of accepting. Be brave. If you were the right girl, he would KNOW. and you wouldn't feel this restless, because he would make you feel confident. IF you don't feel confident, it's because you feel him... and it's because he is not confident. You can do a million times better. Leave. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 girl, allow me to share with you little of what helped me, when I was in a similar situation: "you can only choose or not choose". there are no in between. "I don't really know" doesn't exist. "I don't really know" is actually NO. Learn to read the right cues. Someone who walks on you not once, but twice... you are not the one, girl. Learn to look at things as they are, because they will not change. The REALITY is HE HAS BAILED. HE IS UNRELIABLE. Nothing worse than an unreliable partner. Is that your definition of happiness? Saying "yes" and living in fear for the rest of your life? Is this the best you can do? Face your fears and act upon the reality. The reality is you've LOST 5 YEARS of your life. The reality is you are not 20 forever. The reality is there are a lot of other mistakes out there, for you to try and to learn from. Nobody can buy us back the time we have wasted refusing to learn from out own mistakes. I've also said "no" to the ring. My ex at the time hadn't left me, but he wasn't really sure, he didn't really know. I was 100% decided to not have the ring. Listen, getting married is / or should be / the absolute act of trust and of happiness. When I want to get married, I want to feel that my partner is just as eager as I am to marry me, that he is ridiculously happy and that he is 100% convinced we are made to be together. That is what I want and I will never settle for anything else. What I'm trying to say is: I may not be Nostradamus, but you are about to make a WRONG decision. Up to you to stick around even more time hurting like crazy, instead of accepting. Be brave. If you were the right girl, he would KNOW. and you wouldn't feel this restless, because he would make you feel confident. IF you don't feel confident, it's because you feel him... and it's because he is not confident. You can do a million times better. Leave. Post of the year!!!! I couldnt have said this better myself. GREAT JOB CANDIE!!! 1
Author Hope for hopeless Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 girl, allow me to share with you little of what helped me, when I was in a similar situation: "you can only choose or not choose". there are no in between. "I don't really know" doesn't exist. "I don't really know" is actually NO. Learn to read the right cues. Someone who walks on you not once, but twice... you are not the one, girl. Learn to look at things as they are, because they will not change. The REALITY is HE HAS BAILED. HE IS UNRELIABLE. Nothing worse than an unreliable partner. Is that your definition of happiness? Saying "yes" and living in fear for the rest of your life? Is this the best you can do? Face your fears and act upon the reality. The reality is you've LOST 5 YEARS of your life. The reality is you are not 20 forever. The reality is there are a lot of other mistakes out there, for you to try and to learn from. Nobody can buy us back the time we have wasted refusing to learn from out own mistakes. I've also said "no" to the ring. My ex at the time hadn't left me, but he wasn't really sure, he didn't really know. I was 100% decided to not have the ring. Listen, getting married is / or should be / the absolute act of trust and of happiness. When I want to get married, I want to feel that my partner is just as eager as I am to marry me, that he is ridiculously happy and that he is 100% convinced we are made to be together. That is what I want and I will never settle for anything else. What I'm trying to say is: I may not be Nostradamus, but you are about to make a WRONG decision. Up to you to stick around even more time hurting like crazy, instead of accepting. Be brave. If you were the right girl, he would KNOW. and you wouldn't feel this restless, because he would make you feel confident. IF you don't feel confident, it's because you feel him... and it's because he is not confident. You can do a million times better. Leave. Wooow!Candie you were so brave.My gut tells me I have to leave him.I have already asked for time.You are right,I don't feel the confidence in him.Maybe he thinks its only the right thing to do and not to hurt me.Sure he has some level of love or feelings but it doesnt make me confident.It's pretty hard decision for me.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 If you were the right girl, he would KNOW. and you wouldn't feel this restless, because he would make you feel confident. IF you don't feel confident, it's because you feel him... and it's because he is not confident. Not really a comment on your situation. But this made me sad as I read this. When I proposed to my ex, I knew 1000% it was what I wanted more than anything on this earth. I've never wanted anything more in my whole life. She knew that. And I, too, thought that was enough. That the rest didn't matter. No cheating. No lying. No nothing beyond basic ups and downs and silly arguments. Never even so much as looked at another woman. She was IT. Well, I was wrong. And she left me 18 months later. I guess there were other things that scared her away in the long run. Or I just wasn't the 'one' for her So, yes, if this guy (or you ) is not 1000% about it, bail!!!
candie13 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 listen. it's the most important decision of your life. We cannot decide for you, we don't know him. You do. You know if you can live with him and this situation or not. It didn't work out for me. This means NOTHING for you. I am only sharing what I am thinking. I knew my ex had doubts. I knew the only reason my ex was proposing was because I was leaving him. That's not how I want to start my life with someone, by putting him into a corner and threatening him to cut him out of my life. I was forcing him to decide. He didn't really want to marry, he only wanted me not to leave him ... big difference.
Author Hope for hopeless Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Yes,I decided to date him again and see how it goes.As I am not able to let him go.I cnt find enough reasons to convince myself.But surely no YES to the proposal until I gain trust again.
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