Steadfast Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Not necessarily. I told my DH I wanted a divorce because of the marriage as is and said if he doesn't go to therapy, I would pursue one. You issued a threat turnera. An ultimatum. If the OP's story is accurate, this wife isn't doing that. She isn't threatening, she wants her freedom. Taking a walkaway spouse (or one that wants to walk) to therapy is a waste of time. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... The record of success for one spouse loving enough for both is very poor. The OP clearly loves his wife and doesn't want divorce, therefore, the only chance this marriage has of surviving is if the wife feels the same way. Exposing might blow up what she's got cooking now, and therapy might remind her of what she already knows. Neither one can provide the critical element this marriage needs; her desire to stay in it. It cannot be forced. That's why I suggest filing for divorce immediately OP. Give this woman exactly what she wants. Show her you have no desire to live with a wife that fancies other men. Demonstrate you will will not be used by offering emotional and financial support while she decides. Let her be on her own, making her own decisions. If she discovers she loves you and wants to restore the relationship it will be because she came to it on her own. Persuasion or pushing a sense of obligation won't work, nor will guilt or shame. Let her go. At this point, it's the only chance your marriage has.
2sure Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 If you want to save the marriage, and if that includes reconcile fom infidelity...you need to address the problems in the marriage at the same time. Living with parents, moving from guest bedroom to guest bedroom, and working part time for the past five years isn't cutting it. Whichever way the marriage goes , those things have to change.
MidwestUSA Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 You're buying a house AND a condo? Or looking at the condo in lieu of a house? I'd be careful of entering into any big transactions right now. Of course she was nice to you at lunch (got you to sign a contract, didn't she?) Of course the condo is perfect for YOU (as H and W). Meaning, it will be perfect for HER when she leaves you. Why are you letting her lead you around like a zombie (your word choice)?
Author thefatherof1 Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 I don't know if you've been the perfect husband, but so far, you've definitely been the perfect doormat. Yeah, I'm not here to put a salve onto your wounds, I'm giving you the truth. Your behaviour so far has been screaming weakness and spinelessness to your wife. The first time she had a crush on some other guy, you forgave her just like that? The message you gave her is "I have no balls, you can cheat on me and get away with barely a slap on the wrist". I say "cheat" because you don't know whether she banged the guy. She told you she didn't, but a lot of cheaters lie to minimise damage. You have no idea whether they had sex. You need to man the fu** up. Grow a pair of balls. Take action. Stop with all this "Woe is me, my life is falling apart" drama queen nonsense. MAN THE FU** UP. You have two choices... 1) Lie low, lull her into a false sense of security, snoop and gather evidence (hire a private investigator if you have to) or 2) Confront her right now. If she is cheating, she'll deny it. The only reason you'd want to confront her right now is if you think your marriage is already dead, i.e. you don't care if she's actually cheating, you just know that her heart isn't in it (for instance, just using you for financial support) Everything you said is true, thank you. Right now, you are the beacon in my abyss. .
BeholdtheMan Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 Everything you said is true, thank you. Right now, you are the beacon in my abyss. .Good luck, it's time to start reclaiming your dignity
Author thefatherof1 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Well, it's been the roughest week in my life. In short, I couldn't go through with the escrow and I suddenly decided to back out of buying the condo. My wife was concerned by my decision but I just knew something was fundamentally wrong with the direction my life and marriage were heading. In short, I paced her down in the kitchen while are child slept in the next bedroom and asked her again if she was having an affair. I looked long and hard into her eyes and she started crying, and said yes. The damage was done. It turns out she met a guy in a coffee shop about 6 months ago. She said it wasn't supposed to last that long and she would end the affair immediately because she loved me and not him. 6 months, that's a long time. I feel i have no choice but to divorcer her. She lied to me for such a long time and I don't think I can ever trust her again. I've retreated back to my brother and wife's house so I can be surrounded by people who love me (and I trust). Of course, she says it's all my fault and that I didn't fulfill all her emotional needs, what ever that means. I told her that was no excuse to go f**k some other guy fort 6 months and she should have come to me (before the affair) so we could've tried to work it out. I can't believe she risked her whole life and jeopardized her marriage over some looser. What was she thinking? I think she is in shock that I finally regained my dignity as a man and have decided to move on with my life. Each day has been an emotional roller coaster and sleep, food and sanity are far and few between. These are dark days and each day I strive to discover (myself) why it happened. Was it my fault? Could've I been a better husband? Funny thing is, she never apologized.
aliveagain Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Accept no blame for her infidelity, she owns that 100%. Talk to a lawyer, you have a child together, you don't want to be perceived as abandoning your child. Find out if the other man is married and expose him, just don't tell your wife your going to do that. I am so sorry you are going through this, you don't deserve it. Her affair has nothing to do with you or your marriage, it's all about what's broken in her. She needs professional help. Get tested for STD's and tell your doctor why you want to be tested so he knows what to test for. Just don't rush into any permanent decision, take your time. Listen to your lawyer. 1
turnera Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Don't take any actions for a while. Give yourself 3 or 4 months to think about things and see what happens.
bubbaganoosh Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Move back in your house and have her move out. Why should you be punished for her affair. I would let her know that she is no longer welcome and she can call her lover and ask if she could live there. Then go find a lawyer and get the ball rolling. A 6 month affair is not a mistake. It doesn't take six months to finally have the bell go off in her head and realize that it was a "mistake". It was an on going affair and it should have a consequences for her behavior. Don't play games with her. If you do, you lose in a big time way. 1
Bryanp Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I think your actions that you have been taking is right on the mark. She expected you to purchase a new home for your family while she is screwing some guy she met at a coffee shop for 6 months behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's. In addition, you know that there had to be times when you were intimate with her after she had been with her lover. She saw you as a good guy and a doormat. Her comment that she will now end the affair because she loves you is laughable. She wants her new home and wants you to provide for her. My friend we all make mistakes in our lives. The key is to cut your losses as soon as possible. 1. See a good lawyer as soon as possible. 2. Get tested for STD's as soon as possible. You will have a better life in your future. Good luck.
Author thefatherof1 Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 For me, infedelity was the straw that broke my heart, especially one that lasted 6 months. After she told me, I felt I had no choice but to file for divorce, and that's what I did. I can never trust this person again, not for the actual affair, but for the 6 months of lying. The lengths she went to hide the affair is bewildering. She lied about where she was. She took trips with him. They got hotel rooms together. She even had her own phone. Is that the kind of person I want to live the rest off my life with? No! Her previous "crush" was the beginning of the end. She is not the same person I married. I know I would never cross the infedility line, I had my chances and I was tempted, but I stopped communication because I have a conscious and respect my partner. This is the fundamental difference between the two of us. As hard as the decision was, I knew it was best for both us. She didn't love or respect me and I was the one who had the power to end the marriage. She pleaded for us to work it out; wanted therapy, she made me dinner, bought me clothes and was so nice to me. Unfortunately, I knew deep inside it would be just a matter of time until it happened again. I didn't want to live the rest of my life worrying about the possibility of it happening again. I guess i was trying too hard to save the marriage and family. The sad reality is if she just said "let's get divorced, I don't love you" I would have been crushed, but we could have at least been friends, now, I have no respect for her as a person. It's all so tragic and sad. 2
harrybrown Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Did she go NC with the OM? Has she ever given you all the details of the affair? Has she ever told you finally that she was sorry?
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 She sounds like she's having a bit of a mid life crisis at 32. It seems a number of under 30 something's are having them. If your marriage fails take this as an opportunity to get more of a spine in future relationships so the next one doesn't walk all over you.
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