sad_eggplant Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I met this girl about two months ago from Okcupid. We are both 26. When I first messaged her, she had just started casually seeing a friend of hers, whom she dated briefly in the past. When I first asked her out, I wasn't successful. A week later, when I tried again, she agreed to a date. Later, I learned from her that the guy she was seeing was diagnosed with cancer during that week (let's call him Chris from now on). We went on several very successful dates. We had sex on our second date, in a park, where we had picnic and watched the sunset together. We cooked for each other, cuddled...basically had a great time together for two weeks after our first date. Then I left the country for a vacation with my parents for two weeks. During these two weeks, I kept in touch with her. We chatted on Facebook very often. I told her about my sightseeing trips and she told me about life and gossips back home. The chats were often quite flirty and full of promises about things we want to do together when I got back. I even sent her a postcard, something I have never done before. She told me that she visited her friend, Chris, in the hospital but she doesn't have romantic feelings for him anymore. When I got back from my vacation, I could feel that things had changed. She became quite unpredictable and flaky. Until what happened this past Saturday(I will go into details about this later), I slept with her only twice since coming back from vacation, both times within the first week of me coming back. During the second time, she had a phone call with her father who berated her for her lack of career and financial plans for the future. She is a smart and ambitious woman, who graduated from an Ivy League university (where I am currently a graduate student). After the phone call, she really broke down. Since that night, declining to hang out or flaking out because she felt very stressed from her job and depressed by the uncertainty of her future became a recurring theme in our interaction. I had no reason not to believe her, given what I saw that night. She also told me that she was still reeling from her breakup with her long term boyfriend, which happened less than a month before she started seeing Chris (a timeline that she was always very vague about). I also believed this. When all this confession of her feeling depressed, stressed and just emotionally tormented in general surfaced, I didn't really know how to deal with it at first. I wasn't sure if all these emotional struggles were really causing her to be distant or she was losing interest in me. I sent her a long message reassuring her that I was OK with our thing being a short term thing (at that time, she was thinking about moving to NYC) and I wanted to enjoy what we had for the time being but most importantly I wanted us to be honest with each other if one of us feels like stop seeing the other person. On the morning after I sent her this, She replied that she appreciated the message and wanted to hang out that night after she had dinner with Chris in the hospital. Then the night came, she called me around eleven telling me that she didn't feel good emotionally after seeing her friend and wasn't in the mood of hanging out anymore. When this happened, I thought it's over between us, But a day later, she messaged me first and we chatted. And this happened again on the next day. So I couldn't resist the temptation and asked her to get dinner with me sometime. She readily agreed. When we met up for dinner, she seemed quite tense and distant. But she slowly warmed up and we had a passionate goodbye make-out at the end. I thought maybe things were getting better between us. I was wrong. Her erratic behavior continued. She invited me to see an outdoor play in a park with her. But throughout the play she was not receptive to me trying to be affectionate with her at all. She didn't want to hold hand when I walked her home. Once we got to her place, she wanted me to leave right away and barely gave me a kiss. She told me that she's stressed about her future and she's just depressed by a lot of things in her life. By this point, I really believed that she's dealing with all these emotional issues. I thought it kind of made sense that stress and depression were making her unpredictable and distant. A couple days later, we were again chatting on facebook. My friends were telling me that I should just stop seeing her since she's giving me such an emotional roller coaster ride, which was giving me so much stress. But I didn't listen to them. I liked her too much to stop. About two weeks ago, she came over to my place where I cooked dinner for her. The night went quite well. She asked if I had any plan for the coming Saturday and that she was going to a BBQ which would end pretty early and we could hang out afterwards. We had a passionate and lingering kissing session on my porch before she left for the night. I got my hopes up again for perhaps better things to come. On that Saturday around noon time, she messaged me asking what my plan was for the day. Naturally, I assumed she's serious about wanting to hang out. Around late evening that day, when I assumed the BBQ must be over, I texted her how it went, hoping that she would be ready to hang out. She didn't get back to me until two hours later, essentially telling me to just have fun without her. Then a couple days later, she wanted to take on my offer to have dinner at her old college dinning hall, which she originally declined due to stress. Of course I fulfilled her wish. At the end of the dinner, when I walked her back to her car, she went in for just a hug and didn't want to kiss at all. After she left, I texted her that I was frustrated and disappointed by how the night ended. She replied with a super long text explaining why she's been acting this way. In the first half of it, she said that she's incapable of being romantic or physical with me at the moment because of all her emotional struggles, although she still wants to spend time with me because of all my good qualities, which she listed a bunch. Then in the second half, she said that another thing that's been hard on her is that she realized how much she cares about her friend, Chris, and that she wants to be a better friend to him since he's suffering so much right now. I definitely didn't get a good feeling after reading this. But I still managed to convince myself that she's honest with me. I thought if a good friend of mine, whom I dated, got cancer, I would probably feel pretty ****ty and not be in the mood for intimacy either. I thought perhaps I still just need to give her time. I replied with an equally long text. I told her that I wish the best to Chris and she should be there for him since life is being so cruel to him. I also told her that I can be a jealous person but I won't to be a selfish person. A couple days later, this past Friday to be exact, she thanked me for the message and seemed eager when I asked her to go to a friend's going away party with me on Saturday. She also suggested that we should cook together again in the following week. I really started to believe that I just need to be patient with her to make it work between us. Then Saturday came. What happened on that day completely turned my life upside down. We went to my friend's party together first. After the small house party, everyone decided to go to the graduate student bar. She seemed happy and maybe even more affectionate than she had been in the prior few weeks. But as she drank more, she started acting quite strange. We went to the dance floor together. She would dance closely and make out with me for a bit, then push me off, start dancing quite suggestively by herself and simply refuse to let me go near her again. Then this cycle would repeat. And during all this, she would occasionally disappear for mysteriously long bathroom breaks. She got quite belligerently drunk at the end and I literally had to drag her onto the shuttle to get her home. After the shuttle dropped us off, I walked her back to her apartment with no lack of make-out sessions on the way. When I entered her place, she dropped the bomb, "you should leave, I am in love with my friend in the hospital." Maybe I was a little drunk too, maybe it was so shocking to me that I couldn't process it right away, I didn't really react to this but continued making out with her... After her falling asleep (we didn't really do anything), I lied wide awake in her bed thinking about she said and everything that has happened in the past several weeks. I got up, took her cell phone and went to the bathroom. I knew it's wrong but I couldn't help it. I started reading the text messages between her and Chris. Soon enough, I felt more betrayed and hurt than I have ever felt in my life. After Chris went into hospital, she kept in touch with him regularly and brought flowers and food. Of course there is nothing wrong with that, as any decent person would do the same. But towards the end of my overseas vacation, the closeness and affection shown in these messages from her grew. By the time about a week after I got back, she could not be further from "not having any romantic feelings for him any more." She seemed a lot eager to make plans to hang out with him than she with me. She would bake for him one day and then ask if he wanted to hang out again the next day. She never mentioned anything about being stressed by work or depressed by her career prospect or reeling from her previous breakup. I thought maybe this is just what a good person would do to her friend who's suffering from cancer. But as I kept reading, I became less delusional. As Chris's condition stabilized and was no longer hospitalized, it became clear that she was often unresponsive, unavailable, unpredictable towards me not because of her struggling with all her emotional issues but because she was preoccupied with showing her affection and desire for him. After she barely wanted any affection from me after we watched the play together because she was "depressed about many things in her life", she went to party at his house the next day when he offered availability of "recreational drugs". On that Saturday when she went to that BBQ and pretty much ignored me, she went with him. After texting me to just have fun without her, she texted him telling him that she wants to kiss his neck and make him feel good wherever he wants (then strangely she texted me again later asking what I was up to and got interested in the party I was at). Messages with such intimacy and messages where she expressed how much she wants him and how seeing him makes her happy and full of energy got more frequent as time went on. Then she would turn to me and tell me that her dealing with her emotional demons made her not want "kisses or closeness". The ultimate dagger to my heart was what she sent him just before we came back home from the bar. It turns out during those mysteriously long bathroom breaks at the bar, she was drunk texting him. Basically right in between dancing and making out with me. In these messages, she declared her love for him and then continued to describe explicitly sexual things she wants to do to him... I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach after reading these messages. I wanted to cry but couldn't. It was a nauseous mixture of disbelief, anger and despair. It was four thirty in the morning. I left her place right away and walked home. I realized that I was nothing but a toy for her to fill her emotional void. I was lied to and manipulated. I was used and betrayed. She has always wanted Chris more but I was there to help her get through the rough period when he was not enough for her emotional neediness. She never had the courage to tell me the whole truth. She played me like a fiddle. I don't doubt that she has serious emotional issues. And I am the guy who fell victim to her emotional wreckage. Now I see there were many warning signs. But I was just extremely naive and gullible. Maybe I have no one to blame but myself ?! When she told me a few times that she's not worth it and I should find a cute fellow grad student instead of her, I thought that's just her depression and stress talking. When she repeatedly told me that she enjoys spending time with me because of all these qualities I have that she likes, "tall, cute, sarcastic, clever, good cook..." but she felt sorry her emotional troubles were making her not a giving and fun person, I thought she's really honest with me and I just need to be patient with her. Even at times when I became so frustrated and fed up with her unpredictability or flakiness and thought I should just drop her, the moment she initiated contact with me, I would give in to the temptation of seeing her again. Since I left her place, I haven't contacted her again. I basically went into complete silent mode on her. She sent me a message on Sunday morning thanking me for inviting her to the party and apologizing for being too drunk, then tried to call me again on Sunday evening, I ignored both. She hasn't contacted me since then. As much as I know that I can never talk to her again even if she tries to contact me and nothing will change, I still secretly wish that she does because it would mean that she feels some guilt or at least thinks of me, however little. But she hasn't, for two days already. After that sexually charged love confession drunk text of hers, she's probably happily getting all her emotional and physical needs satisfied by Chris. She no longer needs me. It breaks my heart to know how little I mean to her and how expendable I am. I have done everything to remove her from my life except for blocking her on facebook, which I am still finding very difficult to do... TL;DR; : I got betrayed and manipulated by a girl who took advantage of my naivete and stupidity.
Misfortune Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 It's best not to get involved with someone that has recently come out of a relationship, they are rarely successful. You should at least let her no that you're no longer interested in a relationship with her, instead of just fading out.
Purepony Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Shes confused... let it go and delete her from fb. The positive here is you only invested a few months at the most. Ive seens some guys quut there job, move to a whole city or state only to get dropped. Trust me brother you didnt lose much.
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