What is she thinking and what do I need to do?

[Huey]

Hi all,

I am hoping that someone can give me a little bit of in sight in to what my ex is wanting. Here’s a little bit of my background;

 

My ex and I got together nearly 10 years ago. She is from the UK and I am from New Zealand. Throughout our entire relationship we were always concerned about where we would settle but never really discussed it properly – a couple of ostriches with their heads stuck in the sand. At the beginning of the relationship she moved over to NZ to be with me, where we remained for 5 years. I then moved back with her to the UK in 2008. We had a baby girl in 2009. Things were going okay between us, living in London wasn’t ideal as we were stuck in a flat. I guess I was never really happy there, as I am from NZ I am used to having a garden and a lot of space. I talked a little bit about breaking up due to not being happy but I could never leave my daughter, plus I still cared for and loved my ex. In November 2011 my mum became terminally ill (brain cancer) and I returned back to NZ to support her. My ex and daughter remained in the UK. My partner made it clear to me that she couldn’t leave the UK (homesickness) but we stayed together to see if we could work it out. We were never abusive towards one-another and I trusted her 100%and I know she always trusted me.

 

My mother was only given 3-6 months so I thought I wouldn’t have to be away for too long but 2 years later she is still with us (which is great). I have visited the UK a couple of times and she travelled to NZ in April of this year for a couple of weeks. We got on great when we were together, still loved each other and were still very intimate. We were never engaged but I had told her when she visited that we would get married next year (2014). She was really happy and excited about this.

 

In June we had a little bit of an argument (Skype) and I told her that I had had enough and that I would not be returning back to the UK. I was always a little annoyed that she couldn’t be with me here in NZ to support me through the rough spell I was going through with mum. I did promise her that we would go back to the UK but she still said she couldn’t leave.

 

She was devastated when I called it off and we had no contact for about 3 weeks. When I did call it off she did get a bit defensive by saying that we need to change our daughter’s surname (currently in mine)and we also need to sort out child support.

 

After about 3 weeks I realised that I had made a stupid decision. I still really loved her and it was just a silly argument. When I contacted her again she told me that she was still upset. When I told her that I want us to still be together she said no. She said that the decision had been made and she doesn’t want to change it. I told her that I would come over to the UK to properly talk about it. We had been together 10 years and I think we owed each other that but she still said no and told me not to come over. I still decided to visit without telling her. She was shocked when I knocked on her door. When she first saw me she told me it was still over and I was gutted but then I thought she had changed her mind and we were intimate once again, until the next morning when she told me it was still over. She let me stay at her house so I could spend time with our daughter. It was all a bit cookoo as we had sex every night whilst I was there. On the day I left she told me that it was still over between us. I gave her a letter, which basically said that if she was ever to change her mind I would be waiting for her – basically doing the classic begging and saying that I was happy to be the fall back option.

 

I don't think her parents now think a lot about me. They blame me for upsetting their daughter.

 

I made no contact with her on my return to NZ, I even deleted my facebook account. After about 2weeks I got a ‘happy birthday’ email from her, which was very brief. I never replied as I was still healing. Then about 3 days later I got another email from her saying that she has thought about what I said in the letter but she still doesn’t want us to get back together and wants to move on. I didn’t respond to this email for about a week. All-in-all it was about 4 weeks before she first heard from me. In my reply to her email I said that I agree with her decision and that I am happy to move. I told her that I was getting on with my life and that I wanted her to start dating. I also told her that I would be returning back to the UK in approx. 12 months so I could be close to my daughter but first I was going to work on the cruise ships. My brother is going to help me get a job on board as he worked for 10 years on the ships. I also told her to shred the letter I gave her.

 

She replied back saying that she was glad that I was moving on with my life, she also said that she still wants our daughter to have her last name.

 

After about another week I called her up on Skype as I was missing my daughter. During the 1hr30 Skype call my ex and I got on really well. We were having a laugh about stuff. She asked me if I had been on any dates and I truthfully told her that I had but it was nothing serious. When I asked her she said that she had also been on a date but she said that she kept on comparing the guy to me. She said that I would have been funnier, dressed in better clothes etc….She also said that she doesn’t want to go on any more dates as it wouldn’t be fair on the guy as she hasn’t completely got over our relationship. I told her that I felt the same. I know that she is worried about me going on the cruise ships due to the stories my brother told about all the girls. I felt really good after the Skype call. I am trying to move on but I am still finding it really hard as I still love her. She said that she only went on her date because she thought that I had moved on and was dating a lot of girls. When I asked about the letter she said that she couldn’t destroy it and wanted to keep it – she wouldn’t tell me why. I told her that I was returning back to the UK within 12 months so I could be near our daughter, which she seemed a bit sceptical about. She said that I wouldn't be happy in the UK and I told her that I 100% would be. I think she is worried about me being with someone else?

 

I sent her a text after our Skype call telling her how much I enjoyed talking to her, she replied back saying the same.

 

About 2 days ago I messaged her on Skype asking how our daughter was and asking if she had any more dates planned, just a bit of a tease. She said no and when she asked me I told her that I had (I was being honest). I had talked about this girl earlier and so she now knows her by her name and knows that we have been on a couple of dates. I told her that I didn’t want anything serious from the dates as I still hadn’t completely moved on and that I only was going on the dates for friendship. I then teased her about the date she went on and that he probably didn’t even exist. She got annoyed and said that we need to stop this conversation now and that it felt strange talking about us going on dates. She said that she is not ready to move on and didn’t think we should be dating so soon. That was that. I sent her a text telling her that I hope she is not in a mood about it and that I was only having a bit of a laugh. I also told her that I would not contact her for a while so I could give her some space. I never replied and I have not contact her since.

 

This is where I need some advice/information. What is she thinking? I still love her very much but I am trying to move on with my life. From what I said above, does she want to get back together or is she just sad about our relationship? What should I do from here? Should I just leave the ball in her court and what for her to get back to me?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

 

Cheers

Edited September 11, 2013 by Huey

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like both of you have decided this is what is best for the two of you. But I have to say that "homesickness" is no excuse to not be there to support your partner of 10 years while his mother is suffering from brain cancer. She was unwilling to support you or really compromise, and this is what caused the relationship to fail. I'm sure that if something this big wasn't enough for her to support you, that other areas in your relationship had the same lack of compromise and support.

 

Deeper issues here than the distance. You should just continue to heal up and work on yourself, and not let yourself worry too much about what she is thinking or doing. Occupy your time, find enjoyment in your life, and take care of your mother right now.

[Huey]

Sounds like both of you have decided this is what is best for the two of you. But I have to say that "homesickness" is no excuse to not be there to support your partner of 10 years while his mother is suffering from brain cancer. She was unwilling to support you or really compromise, and this is what caused the relationship to fail. I'm sure that if something this big wasn't enough for her to support you, that other areas in your relationship had the same lack of compromise and support.

 

Deeper issues here than the distance. You should just continue to heal up and work on yourself, and not let yourself worry too much about what she is thinking or doing. Occupy your time, find enjoyment in your life, and take care of your mother right now.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. I can completely understand what you are saying. The trouble is I still love her. She is the mother of my daughter and I really want to give it another go. Not just for us but for our daughter.

[Cali408]

Long distance relationships don't work. Period. Yes, your mother was sick, but you made her the priority over your girlfriend and daughter. She is resentful That's how she feels.

 

She is one way as well for claiming homesickness. My bigger concern is the long stretches your daughter goes without having you in her life.

 

Do you really want to move to the UK? If so, do it. It's time to Sh*t or get off the pot for you.

 

Don't tell your girlfriend about your dates. That makes her resentful. You're a single guy in NZ while she has your daughter.

 

So, break up with her and give her space. Or move to the UK.

[Huey]

Thanks for the reply,

 

I have told her that I am definitely returning back to the UK next year. I have also told her that I know that I am returning there alone (e.g. single). The reason that I have been going on dates was to see how I felt. To see if my feeling for my ex were still strong and they are. She told me it was over and that she wants to move on so I took that as a pretty strong sign that she didn't mind if I dated??

 

I think that you are right that she is still hurting, though she has never said this. She told me on Skype that she is finding hard to believe that we are finished. She said it was like she was still grieving.

 

How should I play this out? I know that my begging really pushed her away at the beginning and I don't want to go down that road again. On the other hand I don't want to leave it too long as she will think that I no longer care. Do I just wait for her to contact me?

 

Thanks

[Cali408]

Don't tell her about dating anymore. Live your life, wait for her to contact you. No begging, just play it cool. No I love yous or miss yous. You can't really have a relationship until you move to the UK, so don't worry about it. You attitude should be I'm moving to the UK to be a father to my daughter. That's it. Whatever happens beyond that is gravy. Just assume it won't. 10 years and you never married her. Stop wasting her time and yours.

[Huey]

Should I just be completely upfront and tell her that I am not ready to move? Tell her that I still have feelings for her and need 'no contact' if we are going to be able to move on?

 

I guess that would give me my answer or would that just make her more annoyed?

[Huey]

A little bit of an update;

 

My mum passed away 7 weeks ago so that has been really tough but am learning to deal with it.

I have been in NC with my ex since that time. When my mum passed my ex sent me and my family sympathy card, which I expected. I didn't reply. When I went NC I told my ex that I wouldn't be contacting her for approx. 3 months as I needed time to get over our relationship.

In this time I have been sending my daughter Sarah gifts just so she knows that I am still thinking of her.

 

Anyway, 2 days I received the following email from my ex;

 

"Hi

I know you don't want contact from me but I have been thinking of you, wondering how you are. A parcel arrived for Sarah today so I thought I'd e-mail to let you know it had arrived.

Hope you are doing ok. Have you got plans to leave NZ and go on the cruise boats? Maybe you are already there?

Everything is ok here. Sarah was unwell a week or so back - ended up in hospital for a day but bounced back after a few days. She is doing really well at school - I had parents evening recently and they are very happy with her.

Anyway will keep this short and sweet

take care, wherever you may be, and whatever you are doing

x"

 

Does this email mean anything at all? I'm guessing that she still cares about me but nothing more. I haven't replied. I still don't feel like I am ready too. I really am trying to move on. She thinks that I am going on the cruise ships to work but I have since decided to return back to the UK just so I can help bring-up my daughter. I am currently applying for jobs.

 

Thoughts?

 

Cheers