Impossible for me to get a date

[rbrock2323]

I'm new to this site and thought I would share my experience with my personal dating life....or lack thereof.

 

Basically, I am a 31 year old male. I have an excellent career working as an engineer, my own house, financially stable, well mannered, friendly, even tempered, caring, loyal, trustworthy, and dependable. I am very clean, dress nice for work, exercise 3 days a week, smell nice, etc. My current hobbies, due to lack of dating, include restoring old cars, landscaping, league bowling and traveling.

 

I find it near impossible to so much as date women. The only reason I say "near impossible" is because the only women I find interested in me are extremely desperate women. I am open to date a vast variety of women, with the only exceptions being drug addiction, mental health issues, and have personal goals within their life. I don't think that is too demanding, again, my attraction level is extremely varied.

 

It's very hard for me to date anyone at work, especially with most of the women being married or in serious relationships. However, the nature of my job keeps me segregated from most women at work. Even then, I am not comfortable about dating someone who works were I do.

 

I don't drink, smoke or hit the bar scene. I don't attend church, but I'm not an atheist either, I just don't feel comfortable going to church. So other than the few outlets I have, and possibly the grocery store after work, it is extremely hard to meet anyone.

 

Tonight, there is a girl, very average and on the "chubby" side, who is a hair dresser at a salon in Walmart....I know...everyone goes to Walmart. I see her all the time, have smiled and made eye contact with her. Tonight, after checking out, I stopped by since she wasn't busy to talk to her and hint to possibly going on a date. I know for a fact she is single. I'm sort of shy anyway, but I can hold a conversation despite feeling awkward (which anyone is when approaching someone for the first time) and I'm not intimidating. She basically brushed me off by saying she "kind of" had a boyfriend and when I apologized and just said "well, I thought I would ask" she said "yeah, I kind of thought you were hinting at that". I was like, ok...and walked off feeling embarrassed and like and idiot for even trying.

 

I had joined a dating sight about a year ago, Plenty of Fish, which has turned out to be nothing but a joke except for one amazing woman which I'll get to later. I've heard about perverts, creepy guys, etc that roam the site. I have a nice profile, pics posted, well written, etc. I get zero replies and never any messages. I've been told on numerous occasions that "you're nice guy but just not my type"...so that tells me that nice guys aren't their type? I'm not fat, weird looking, or anything like that. It's almost as if they don't even read what's actually in my profile. If they did, they would be reading exactly what they supposedly say they're looking for.

 

The one woman whom I met and had a relationship with was 11 years older than me. She had a special needs child. At the time, and currently as time allows, I volunteer after work with kids in a program called STEM which helps them understand the fundamentals, in a fun and enjoyable way, of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. She was blown away that a guy actually volunteered time towards children. We had an excellent relationship, I helped her with her child, took him and her on a few vacations, helped her around the house after work and taught her son things to help make him more independent of her so she could get a break and he could grow and learn new things. She wanted to move back closer to her family, mostly for her sons sake, 8 hours from where I live, and with my career, there was no way it could possibly work out. We are still great friends.

 

I know in my heart, I'm a good guy. I've done many things that, from what I hear, most guys would not do or even attempt to get involved with. I'm not a player, dishonest, discourteous, or ill mannered. But, I do get tired of the constant rejection when all I hear is women who want "a nice guy" or a guy with morals, or a guy with a career, or a guy not into drugs, or any number of "wants" in a relationship that I match up perfectly. It's easy for me to see why so many men have lost their manners and "chivalry". I just can't give in, no matter how bad I'm treated, I guess that's how stupid and naive I am.

 

Anyway, there probably doesn't sound like there is any point to my post, but does anyone else experience this? Is it worth it to remain a good guy when nobody wants you? Is it fair that I wake up every day at 5:00am and get home at 6:00pm from work so I can do my yard/house work and then stare at a computer wishing I could just get out of the house and enjoy the company of someone else?

 

Thanks for listening.

[darkmoon]

join meet-up on-line, no bad reports, stacks of groups, all easy come easy go, no pressure to stay, you will find other human beings, single women and all

[heartshaped]

I think you need to get out more. It's the only way to meet women. Also, OLD isn't terrible, but POF sucks. I'd try a more "serious" dating site.

[Imajerk17]

Well this is my take...

 

1. When women say they want a Nice Guy what they really mean is that they want the guy they're attracted to, to be nice. Meaning they are attracted to a guy due to his masculinity and confidence and then they hope he is a good person.

 

2. POF is notorious for women who complain about the pervs who hit on them but who also end up responding to the Bad Boys anyway. Try Match.

 

3. I wonder how much fun you come across. Women aren't looking for a saint, they are looking for someone who makes them feel good.

 

4. You mean to tell me there aren't ANY women where you volunteer??

[TouchedByViolet]

Your story is not as uncommon as it may feel. Also, don't be embarrassed about being rejected. Take it as a learning opportunity. Try doing activities that expose you to new people and women. If you meet enough new ladies one should eventually generate mutual attraction. For people in your shoes I think its more of a numbers game than anything else.

[Imajerk17]

Well this is my take...

 

1. When women say they want a Nice Guy what they really mean is that they want the guy they're attracted to, to be nice. Meaning they are attracted to a guy due to his masculinity and confidence and then they hope he is a good person.

 

2. POF is notorious for women who complain about the pervs who hit on them but who also end up responding to the Bad Boys anyway. Try Match.

 

3. I wonder how much fun you come across. Women aren't looking for a saint, they are looking for someone who makes them feel good, who shows them a good time.

 

4. It doesn't seem you built up any connection with the girl from Walmart. In fact I'd say that a reason why she said no was that she knows you and she don't have much in common. Or rather she couldn't see why you'd be interested in her.

 

5. You mean to tell me there aren't ANY women where you volunteer?? Seriously???

Edited September 11, 2013 by Imajerk17

[rbrock2323]

Well...

 

1. I am very masculine, and completely confident in myself. I'm just "tired" of the whole dating scene and how complicated something is that should be so simple.

 

2. I agree

 

3. I'm not sure what this means. I work for a living. I spend my entire day at work, when I get off, I have an hour and 15 min commute home. There aren't many opportunities for me to "meet" right on the spot...and when there is, well, see what happened? I don't have infinite time to make sure I'm always doing something that puts myself in a position to meet women. I don't think about women constantly. I think about taking care of my priorities, that should be honored by most women according to what they're looking for in a man. Back to the masculinity thing, real men take care of their responsibilities.

 

4. Nope, they're all married, too much older, or just no interest from them. But that isn't the reason I do it anyway.

 

As far as getting out, like I said, I work, I have my own place, I'm time constrained. When I do get out, I just don't fit in anywhere that would be a "singles hookup" type of place. I do plenty, trust me.

[Kelly15]

You say you are kind of shy, I am too. It does affect your social life and how people react to you. Lucky for me I was born an attractive female. When it comes to meeting people, it's much easier for girls.

 

Anyways, you sound like a WONDERFUL GUY!! Dont change that for anyone.

 

Have you ever thought of after work, going out solo. Get a coffee, book store, band play etc... There is all kinds of things to do and there's no reason why you can't enjoy yourself solo and it will put you out there to meet new people.

[impendia]

Hey rbrock,

 

I wish you the very best of luck. Much of what you say resonates with me. That said:

 

>Is it fair that I wake up every day at 5:00am and get home at 6:00pm from work so I can do my yard/house work and then stare at a computer wishing I could just get out of the house and enjoy the company of someone else?

 

Fair? No. Life isn't fair.

 

But why do you wake up at 5:00am, commute 75 minutes each way (as you said) and then do a lot of yard/house work? You give off at least a slight impression that you consider this virtuous, and expect to be rewarded for it. Is a hypothetical co-worker, who lives ten minutes from work in an apartment, does no yard work whatsoever, and spends his evenings having fun, any less virtuous?

 

If I were you, I'd move much closer to your office, or else change jobs, and spend less of my time being "responsible", and more of my evenings learning salsa dance or French cooking or improv comedy, and having more fun.

 

Now, I'm not you, and perhaps you deeply value your home and your existing routine. But if so, then understand (as far as I can tell) that this is something you choose to make a priority, not an obligation.

[sickpuppy]

I'm new to this site and thought I would share my experience with my personal dating life....or lack thereof.

 

Basically, I am a 31 year old male. I have an excellent career working as an engineer, my own house, financially stable, well mannered, friendly, even tempered, caring, loyal, trustworthy, and dependable. I am very clean, dress nice for work, exercise 3 days a week, smell nice, etc. My current hobbies, due to lack of dating, include restoring old cars, landscaping, league bowling and traveling.

 

I find it near impossible to so much as date women. The only reason I say "near impossible" is because the only women I find interested in me are extremely desperate women. I am open to date a vast variety of women, with the only exceptions being drug addiction, mental health issues, and have personal goals within their life. I don't think that is too demanding, again, my attraction level is extremely varied.

 

It's very hard for me to date anyone at work, especially with most of the women being married or in serious relationships. However, the nature of my job keeps me segregated from most women at work. Even then, I am not comfortable about dating someone who works were I do.

 

I don't drink, smoke or hit the bar scene. I don't attend church, but I'm not an atheist either, I just don't feel comfortable going to church. So other than the few outlets I have, and possibly the grocery store after work, it is extremely hard to meet anyone.

 

Tonight, there is a girl, very average and on the "chubby" side, who is a hair dresser at a salon in Walmart....I know...everyone goes to Walmart. I see her all the time, have smiled and made eye contact with her. Tonight, after checking out, I stopped by since she wasn't busy to talk to her and hint to possibly going on a date. I know for a fact she is single. I'm sort of shy anyway, but I can hold a conversation despite feeling awkward (which anyone is when approaching someone for the first time) and I'm not intimidating. She basically brushed me off by saying she "kind of" had a boyfriend and when I apologized and just said "well, I thought I would ask" she said "yeah, I kind of thought you were hinting at that". I was like, ok...and walked off feeling embarrassed and like and idiot for even trying.

 

I had joined a dating sight about a year ago, Plenty of Fish, which has turned out to be nothing but a joke except for one amazing woman which I'll get to later. I've heard about perverts, creepy guys, etc that roam the site. I have a nice profile, pics posted, well written, etc. I get zero replies and never any messages. I've been told on numerous occasions that "you're nice guy but just not my type"...so that tells me that nice guys aren't their type? I'm not fat, weird looking, or anything like that. It's almost as if they don't even read what's actually in my profile. If they did, they would be reading exactly what they supposedly say they're looking for.

 

The one woman whom I met and had a relationship with was 11 years older than me. She had a special needs child. At the time, and currently as time allows, I volunteer after work with kids in a program called STEM which helps them understand the fundamentals, in a fun and enjoyable way, of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. She was blown away that a guy actually volunteered time towards children. We had an excellent relationship, I helped her with her child, took him and her on a few vacations, helped her around the house after work and taught her son things to help make him more independent of her so she could get a break and he could grow and learn new things. She wanted to move back closer to her family, mostly for her sons sake, 8 hours from where I live, and with my career, there was no way it could possibly work out. We are still great friends.

 

I know in my heart, I'm a good guy. I've done many things that, from what I hear, most guys would not do or even attempt to get involved with. I'm not a player, dishonest, discourteous, or ill mannered. But, I do get tired of the constant rejection when all I hear is women who want "a nice guy" or a guy with morals, or a guy with a career, or a guy not into drugs, or any number of "wants" in a relationship that I match up perfectly. It's easy for me to see why so many men have lost their manners and "chivalry". I just can't give in, no matter how bad I'm treated, I guess that's how stupid and naive I am.

 

Anyway, there probably doesn't sound like there is any point to my post, but does anyone else experience this? Is it worth it to remain a good guy when nobody wants you? Is it fair that I wake up every day at 5:00am and get home at 6:00pm from work so I can do my yard/house work and then stare at a computer wishing I could just get out of the house and enjoy the company of someone else?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

If you REALLY want to meet women..A LOT of women..Get a part time job at a high end department store in your area. The best section is women's shoes. (Especially if it's a high traffic store) you'll meet tons of women especially when dressed up. You're forced to meet them. And you don't have to spend money or be wasting time in a bar. You'll MAKE extra money while meeting them plus the ones who work there.

 

IF you really want to meet women it's a great place to work part time.

[rbrock2323]

If you REALLY want to meet women..A LOT of women..Get a part time job at a high end department store in your area. The best section is women's shoes. (Especially if it's a high traffic store) you'll meet tons of women especially when dressed up. You're forced to meet them. And you don't have to spend money or be wasting time in a bar. You'll MAKE extra money while meeting them plus the ones who work there.

 

IF you really want to meet women it's a great place to work part time.

 

I'm an aerospace engineer...and I'm not interested in meeting "lots" of women. I'm interested in expanding my lowly dating life and not being such a rejection magnet. For some odd reason, I feel that even if I did what you're suggesting I would still get the red "X" at any hint of flirting. I honestly do try and date, trust me on that.

[impendia]

Also, this may sound weird, but as I learned the hard way, I recommend being less open. Figure out what kind of woman you want to date, and go for her.

 

Women (men too) want to be appreciated for their individual unique virtues.

[MrCastle]

Changing jobs? Moving? Come on guys!

 

OP you don't come across as very social/outgoing. Meeting people/forming relationships boils down to your social/people skills.

 

Also, you may not feel as if you project it, but women have a sixth sense about these things. You know how a dog just *knows* the difference between when you try to leash him to go for a walk and when you try to leash him to take him to the vet? Women are like that but with neediness/desperation.

 

Be confident and don't take dating so seriously. You'll be surprised how big a role your mindset plays in all of this. Positive/negative energies are real forces.

[sickpuppy]

I'm an aerospace engineer...and I'm not interested in meeting "lots" of women. I'm interested in expanding my lowly dating life and not being such a rejection magnet. For some odd reason, I feel that even if I did what you're suggesting I would still get the red "X" at any hint of flirting. I honestly do try and date, trust me on that.

 

 

So if you have time off and aren't doing anything why not take a part time job? You'll meet lots of women doesn't mean you HAVE to date or hit on all of them. If you think there's a connection ask them out.

 

You can be a good guy just don't be a pushover or come across as needy. Women can smell lonely dudes. They'll say they want a "nice" guy but go after the guys who the other women want as it = "this guy is good with women"...even if the guy is a moron they still can't resist the challenge.

 

You don't have to be a "player" or an a-hole just be all the best qualities of a good guy and a "jerk".

 

Not being too agreeable, "nice", or a pushover but not being an a-hole either.

[CptSaveAho]

 

Also, you may not feel as if you project it, but women have a sixth sense about these things. You know how a dog just *knows* the difference between when you try to leash him to go for a walk and when you try to leash him to take him to the vet? Women are like that but with neediness/desperation.

 

Nailed it...

 

You lack relationship experience and women can spot this a mile away, can he handle the torture that I can put him through (is he confident enough, man enough... typically the answer is no) so they wont waste their time

 

Go date someone for a distinct amount of time and then get HOSED (Man's right of passage... and figure out on your own, what went wrong, what you learned, how can you improve yourself the next time around)

[rbrock2323]

Hey rbrock,

 

I wish you the very best of luck. Much of what you say resonates with me. That said:

 

>Is it fair that I wake up every day at 5:00am and get home at 6:00pm from work so I can do my yard/house work and then stare at a computer wishing I could just get out of the house and enjoy the company of someone else?

 

Fair? No. Life isn't fair.

 

But why do you wake up at 5:00am, commute 75 minutes each way (as you said) and then do a lot of yard/house work? You give off at least a slight impression that you consider this virtuous, and expect to be rewarded for it. Is a hypothetical co-worker, who lives ten minutes from work in an apartment, does no yard work whatsoever, and spends his evenings having fun, any less virtuous?

 

If I were you, I'd move much closer to your office, or else change jobs, and spend less of my time being "responsible", and more of my evenings learning salsa dance or French cooking or improv comedy, and having more fun.

 

Now, I'm not you, and perhaps you deeply value your home and your existing routine. But if so, then understand (as far as I can tell) that this is something you choose to make a priority, not an obligation.

 

I don't ask at all to be rewarded, I ask for women to be realistic. I'm all for having fun too. But you have to meet someone to do those things. That's the problem, meeting someone. And when I put myself out there, it goes nowhere, so by my logic, what would be the difference from what I'm already doing to expanding to other areas? Online is the easiest way to expand myself and reach more people. They don't like what's online, why would they at a salsa dance class? I see what you're saying though, I just don't think it really matters. I have gone out of my way to try new things, it just doesn't work. There are women wanting to meet guys, right? So then meeting someone can occur literally anywhere. Anyway, I mentioned that because most women talk about lazy guys with no job, no goals, no aspirations, who sit around playing video games all day.

 

I commute 72 miles one way because I love the area I live in and don't like, scenery-wise, the area where I work. Plus I am set where I'm at. I have a nice place, do all of my business near where I live and my friends live close by. There would be absolutely nothing to gain socially by moving closer to work....it's literally out in the middle of nowhere...hence my job title.

Edited September 11, 2013 by rbrock2323

[Lokie]

Hang in there, rbrock. I read a lot of sadness and despair in your post, and I just want you to know we hear you. Life can be really tough some times, and I certainly went through a phase when I felt life was horribly unfair to me. But feeling that way did not bring me what I wanted. In fact, it kept me in a negative space that hurt a lot more than it helped.

 

How about taking a little break from your search? Give your heart a little time to mend from the rejection (that, BTW, all of us face) and focus solely on you and what you love to do. Be really kind to yourself, as you would to a sick friend or family member. Don't give up entirely, just take a month, or two, etc. I suspect you will attract more people when you have a lighter spirit.

[Phoe]

You sound like a great guy to me!

 

I would imagine what's holding you back is your shyness and lack of time to get out and expand your social circle. You said you work alot, that's likely putting a damper on you being able to try new things and go to new places and meet as many girls as possible.

 

 

Like many say, it comes down to numbers. The more new girls you meet, the more chances you have to find mutual attraction.

 

 

Do what you can to get those numbers on your side!

[heartshaped]

I agree that for you meeting people online would be easiest. If that is your main avenue, again, I would try other dating sites. Also, you have to realize with OLD women are receiving messages from many men so there's a bit of a competition issue. Some people online simply aren't taking the whole thing seriously either so you have to consider that as well.

 

It is important to have a good profile and pictures in OLD, but I think the most important thing (as is I think with dating in general) is your approach. First impressions are very important. You seem like a nice guy, but the world has tons of nice guys.

 

What exactly do you offer? What is different about your personality that makes you unique or a good partner? This is what you need to emphasize. If you're hilarious lead with a joke, if you have similar interests as the woman in question lead with a comment or question on that, if you're the romantic or sweet type pay her a compliment. Whatever you do, do it well. All you need is to grab her attention enough for her to want to continue a conversation with you and then enough to go on a date with you.

[cadetlesliebarbara]

so apparently dating is hard for quite a few people even overseas.

[pteromom]

The problem with online dating is that women are INUNDATED with messages. They very rarely have to go out and look at profiles or initiate contact.

 

So rather than waiting for messages, read profiles and send messages to any women who sound interesting. Not just "hey hows it going" either. It needs to be something that would get the attention of a woman who is right for you - whether that means sharing your humor, talking about your interests, giving insight into your "life philosophy" or whatever. Also, state what you are looking for - fun and adventure or a LTR or whatever... because again, you want to connect with women who are looking for the same thing.

 

Then it's a numbers game. You have to remember that OLD is full of mostly damaged confused people. Finding the "normal" ones requires diligence and a high tolerance for rejection. Always believe that it is THEM, not you, when you are rejected. Because honestly - it is. There are some MESSED UP people on there.

 

OLD is actually a good option for you, due to your age and work situation. But you have to be willing to weed through the garbage to find the daisy hidden in there.

[pteromom]

guaranteed that rbrock has been called a wonderful guy countless times. females don't go for wonderful guys. females go for guys they 'feel it' with. that special something.

 

 

the biggest failures, and i mean guys who can't even get to first base, are called wonderful, sweet, and of course nice all the time. its never done them any good whatsoever.

 

This thinking is so very tiring.

 

Women, like men, are all different. Some women LOVE "nice guys". I always did. I had no interest in the cocky gorgeous popular guys. I always liked the guys who were shy and sweet and "boring" to the club girls. And that's why I spent my teens and much of my twenties single - because I liked guys who were too shy to approach me, and I was too shy to approach them. LOL

[crude]

It could be that you're too nice a guy. Nice isn't stimulating. Look at make-up sex. That comes after anger, not niceness.

[SJC2008]

Nailed it...

 

You lack relationship experience and women can spot this a mile away, can he handle the torture that I can put him through (is he confident enough, man enough... typically the answer is no) so they wont waste their time

 

Go date someone for a distinct amount of time and then get HOSED (Man's right of passage... and figure out on your own, what went wrong, what you learned, how can you improve yourself the next time around)

 

For some woman mabye. But like I've told you not everything is black and white when it comes to dating. I can assure you that there are plenty of control freaks out there with insecure men who will put up with their shyt just to have a steady supply.

I can sense insecurity in the most "confident" men, true genuine confidence is very rare. I'd say about 15% of men are truly confident, not "surface" "cocky" confident.