SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 The hardest part about a break up for me is that it's extremely hard to find a new relationship. Takes time to get over the break up. It takes even more time to find someone new. I'm picky and I'm also very introverted and keep to myself. It's hard finding someone new that I like enough to date and get in a relationship with. It's rare finding potential dating partners in general. The ex has moved on. They chose someone else. I'm stuck alone with just memories of good times when I was happy. It's been many months and I have a hard time meeting people. I wish I could find someone and it feels so impossible. Anyone else feel in this rut? It's been a very long time now and I need to get back in a relationship.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Hahahaha. Well you know how it goes. The harder you look for it, the further away it will be. You can't control or rush these things. It will happen when it happens and not one second before And, if you do force something, it will not turn out well. 6
keepontruckin Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Yes. We all want to fill that void that is left in us. However, that void diminishes over time. And I am of the belief that only once you're happy with yourself, and more or less "over" your ex, is when the time is right. However, once that happens, you won't be looking for love! And then it will happen. And you'll be in the place possible to start a new relationship. I have NEVER found real love while actually looking for it. Sure, one night stands can be found, but I've grown out of that years ago. The magic happens when you least expect it... 2
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 its not that i need to be in arelationship, it is that i am ready to be in a relationship and i want to be i am just not willign for it to be any relationship with just a guy who is handy...it is my last , I said my last relationship was my last too.......and for me it was always that thought i had....not for him though......this one again is MY last and i want to be with someone who sees it as their last too, not just till another woman comes along......I have girls to raise and i have to repeat have to be with someone who accepts them and treats them the way daughters should be treated...and treats a woman who is mother of said daughters too, (that would be me), with respect and love adn will stand beside me through the stricky stuff that happens.....families always have sticky stuff....i dotn need fixing or saving...i just want to grow old with someone who wants the same things as i do....when my birds have flown the nest......i want to do something positive and share hope with others..... and share that dream of touching others lives......... if i cannot find that.......i will not be with another man....ill go my own way so even though i am ready and want a relationship...i know i have to find the right guy for me and my girls...my boys are older...........and that means time i have to spend with them to get to know them....rome wasnt built in a day.......relationships are built on knowledge of a person and trust because they have been nothing but honest with you, that never happens fast.....deb 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I said my last relationship was my last too.......and for me it was always that thought i had....not for him though...... I thought this too. And I really believed it. She didn't. Even proposed and moved hundreds of miles with her for her new job. Left everything I knew behind. I think that is why I am having such a hard time with this. She manipulated and deceived me. Hurts!! Makes me feel stupid, foolish and naive. Don't want a repeat of this. Want the next to be the last, for sure... I'm too old for silly games 2
chinacat sunflower Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 The hardest part about a break up for me is that it's extremely hard to find a new relationship. Takes time to get over the break up. It takes even more time to find someone new. I'm picky and I'm also very introverted and keep to myself. It's hard finding someone new that I like enough to date and get in a relationship with. It's rare finding potential dating partners in general. The ex has moved on. They chose someone else. I'm stuck alone with just memories of good times when I was happy. It's been many months and I have a hard time meeting people. I wish I could find someone and it feels so impossible. Anyone else feel in this rut? It's been a very long time now and I need to get back in a relationship. I'm in the same boat. My ex met someone two months after we split, and they have been together ever since. She's seriously so perfect for him it's crazy. I've been on dates. A lot of dates. I'm picky as well, and the guys I've been dating, just aren't doing it for me. I have given up for the time being. When it's right it will happen. I'd rather be single than dating someone that doesn't fulfill my desires in a relationship, friendship, or any kind of "ship". I have too many other stresses in my life that need to be sorted out before I can be comfortable with dating anyone. Don't rush it. It will happen when the timing is right. Hope you feel better soon. 3
SimonSerenade Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I am in a very similar position, my ex left me for someone else about 3 and a half months a go, I was with her for a year and a half, I loved her, she was my ideal partner, the things I felt for her were like nothing I had ever experienced with anyone else, I felt so close to her and honestly, though she probably doesn't feel the same, I still feel that close bond with her now, intimacy like that is hard to shake off. The only way I can describe how I feel is, I feel that I've had the best I can possibly get and there's just no better than that, almost like I'm Mario and I've invested so much time in to chasing my princess Peach that when she's gone, I'm just sort of thinking "now what?", yeah I can probably try and find someone else but it ain't gonna compare to what I had with her, I might find a princess Daisy but she certainly ain't no princess Peach. I have met some wonderful people since my ex left and as lovely as one in particular is, I just can't bring myself to feel anything for her, even the thought of being with someone else repulses me, which sort of tells me that I should just be alone and find happiness with that for a few years, I was always happy that way anyway. A part of me would like to be able to move on like she so easily did but that's just not me, I just couldn't replace someone like that, unfortunately I have the loyalty gene, I don't fall in love easily and I don't really have an interest in anything like that so when I do, I'm stuck like that for a while. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is take it easy and take things at your own pace, if your not feeling it then your just not feeling it and you shouldn't pressure yourself like that, you've been through a lot and suffered a great loss, now's the time to take it easy and heal, say balls to the world and do what makes you happy and whatever feels right. :] 3
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I have NEVER found real love while actually looking for it. If I don't make attempts to look for it (online dating, etc) then I will probably be alone forever. I don't go to bars, don't have a full time job and my social activities are very limited in meeting guys. Since I am so introverted I kind of have to look for it, or make attempts. Although I'd like my soul mate to drop from the sky I don't think he will. I met my ex through trying, going online and browsing hours through profiles. Grocery stores, etc have never proven much luck for me. I never party.
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I thought this too. And I really believed it. She didn't. Even proposed and moved hundreds of miles with her for her new job. Left everything I knew behind. I think that is why I am having such a hard time with this. She manipulated and deceived me. Hurts!! Makes me feel stupid, foolish and naive. Don't want a repeat of this. Want the next to be the last, for sure... I'm too old for silly games smilin ............yeah games suck mountain biker.......and it really sucks to eb manipulated into thinking everything is alright when its not...thats why i believe in being honest...i dont want to hurt anyone and if everybody was honest, hearts would still get broken but not to the extent of feeling used up and spat out...definitely not to the point of shifting your whole life for another and then that person callously ending things that is seven shades of wrong.......been there....... 2000km move ...left friends and family....... packed up a whole house by myself and a tribe of five kids two dogs and two cats......didnt work out obviously...its all for the best...... i only look at dating as long term...i make that pretty clear.......not into casual......i like to explore....lol......never worked out me online dating...tried a few times ...tragic mountainbiker tragic..i woul dnever reccommend it...... you will find the right woman for you the relationship that ended for you now allows you to find that right woman for you......a woman who actually wont manipulate you or control you or cheat on you or do any other myriad of things that happen in the dating world....its enough to turn a person celibate.....;0)....good luck and keep that chin up....or else you will fall off your bike........:bunny:.....rabbits for your soft landing ....best wishes....deb 1
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 The hardest part about a break up for me is that it's extremely hard to find a new relationship. Takes time to get over the break up. It takes even more time to find someone new. I'm picky and I'm also very introverted and keep to myself. It's hard finding someone new that I like enough to date and get in a relationship with. It's rare finding potential dating partners in general. The ex has moved on. They chose someone else. I'm stuck alone with just memories of good times when I was happy. It's been many months and I have a hard time meeting people. I wish I could find someone and it feels so impossible. Anyone else feel in this rut? It's been a very long time now and I need to get back in a relationship. its rare for me too.......same deal ex is with his affair partner now but i have been single for nearly a decade.......truth is i wasnt looking(actually wanted to be a nun adn raise llamas and goats and make soap for the unwashed...) i am still not really looking...i am ready to date ,want to date, dont need to date.......i would rather be alone than with some dick,as i have teen girls to consider as well as who is right for me,teen girls who need a loving compassionate, reliable steadfast kind and an honest positive role model as far as a male goes.....so i guess i am picky..... i am not in a rut though ...i have declined dates......lol...mainly because i have feelings for a guy who is pretty special and it feels like i am cheating on my heart so until these feelings go away......i cant commit to dating anyone else I wouldn't give it my all......I would be thinking of him so ....to me thats not a rut...... i have fond memories of my ex but it doesnt make me crave being with him i can smile at the memories.....i miss the talks......the affection...but not with him...and yes i miss making love..... i have found dance though ........is my outlet....danced for nearly two hours last night on the waterfront....by the time i got hom i looked like i had run through a car wash drowned rat...lol.......came home and crashed.......smilin........no pent up energy left to keep me awake..i am going to be really fit.......smilin atcha....find an outlet to take away any negative emotions or pent up frustration....dance is wonderful......night sky, stars,,,,inky rippling water with lyrical perfection add a back beat and a groove you are set ...pure heaven i felt so alive...........no its not better than making love...but it helps like nothing else i know...try it and see.....hugs...deb
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 A part of me would like to be able to move on like she so easily did but that's just not me, I just couldn't replace someone like that, unfortunately I have the loyalty gene, I don't fall in love easily and I don't really have an interest in anything like that so when I do, I'm stuck like that for a while. I think it speaks to who we are and who they are. I've said before that I felt like I could have been any man inserted into my ex's life. Didn't really matter. And, she is on to another (possibly even another) now as well. I think she just likes having the variable in her life. 'Insert dude here' type thing. Me (and others on here) need something more. She was not just another girl to me. She was much, much more. And cannot simply be replaced by another. Part of me hates this fact because it was so one sided. I felt this way. She did not. I should have seen it and ended it first. But, I am weak. 2
BarOfButter Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Maybe the right person will just fall in your lap when you least expect it. Just keep being patient and you'll run into that person. Try to break out of your shell, go outside of your comfort zone and be social. But take your time if you haven't moved on from the past relationship yet. But if the social scene doesn't go well, there's always the internet.
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Why? It's a big problem if a person 'needs' to be in a relationship. Because ultimately, when they get it, it won't fix what is wrong with them. And if the relationship fails, the devestation will be unbearable. Why do you need to be in a relationship? I didn't mean to type that. Wrong choice of words. I meant I "desire to be" in a relationship.
SimonSerenade Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I think it speaks to who we are and who they are. I've said before that I felt like I could have been any man inserted into my ex's life. Didn't really matter. And, she is on to another (possibly even another) now as well. I think she just likes having the variable in her life. 'Insert dude here' type thing. Me (and others on here) need something more. She was not just another girl to me. She was much, much more. And cannot simply be replaced by another. Part of me hates this fact because it was so one sided. I felt this way. She did not. I should have seen it and ended it first. But, I am weak. I can certainly relate to this, the one thing I longed for with my ex and it was mostly the one thing that I fought for, was to be cherished by her, I never got that from her despite how hard I tried, I feel like the one thing I tried to prevent I wound up causing in the end, though she meant the world to me and I couldn't of thought of anyone else for a second of my time with her, I have to accept that I just wasn't all that for her, if I was she wouldn't of made so many efforts to dispose of me so often. I don't think that your weak for a second, you stayed and lived in hope when many others probably couldn't have lived through all that.
Waz Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Hahahaha. Well you know how it goes. The harder you look for it, the further away it will be. You can't control or rush these things. It will happen when it happens and not one second before And, if you do force something, it will not turn out well. That's true for some reason. My "relationship" ended in a point of my life, where at the same time i lost a huge amount of other things i had (returned to my hometown, no job, my friends were out of town so no friends, i was basically alone, a beloved person died, nothing to do - no motivation etc.) I really tried to man up and deal with the life. I was looking for friends, looking for relationship etc, but nothing really happened. One day i said "f**k all of you" and i just lived my life, i accepted it and focused on my self trying to learn things and think how to get outta here. It's funny because i really didn't care to hang with anyone, meet new people and stuff, but these last months, old classmates and old friends we used to hang out, approach me again without on my part taking any action, also girls from old times (no exes) do this. It's like when it finally stops bother you, then some kind of sh*t happening and all these you once wanted, they're coming true.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I can certainly relate to this, the one thing I longed for with my ex and it was mostly the one thing that I fought for, was to be cherished by her, I never got that from her despite how hard I tried, I feel like the one thing I tried to prevent I wound up causing in the end, though she meant the world to me and I couldn't of thought of anyone else for a second of my time with her, I have to accept that I just wasn't all that for her, if I was she wouldn't of made so many efforts to dispose of me so often. I don't think that your weak for a second, you stayed and lived in hope when many others probably couldn't have lived through all that. Yeah, I wanted this too. It's funny when we first started dating, she told me how generous she was and how important her friends were to her, and how she would do anything for friends and family. I found this to be true. However, I was not so lucky. While she was always at the top of my list, I was pretty low on hers. Lot's of people above me. I wanted us to be a team. Me and her against all challenges. I expressed this to her several times. Never happened. And eventually, I was completely phased out. No respect. No loyalty at all. None. After some therapy, I do realize a lot of this falls back on me. The type of person I chose to be in a RS with. As well as self-esteem and self-worth issues. I was asking too much from her, I guess. As no one can provide you with validation. That needs to come from within. I also have trouble setting boundaries when in an intimate RS. I saw red flags early on, but ignored them as I thought I would never be able to do better, I guess. Grrrr. Although she was no saint in our RS, I think I still have a lot to work on myself
SimonSerenade Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Yeah, I wanted this too. It's funny when we first started dating, she told me how generous she was and how important her friends were to her, and how she would do anything for friends and family. I found this to be true. However, I was not so lucky. While she was always at the top of my list, I was pretty low on hers. Lot's of people above me. I wanted us to be a team. Me and her against all challenges. I expressed this to her several times. Never happened. And eventually, I was completely phased out. No respect. No loyalty at all. None. After some therapy, I do realize a lot of this falls back on me. The type of person I chose to be in a RS with. As well as self-esteem and self-worth issues. I was asking too much from her, I guess. As no one can provide you with validation. That needs to come from within. I also have trouble setting boundaries when in an intimate RS. I saw red flags early on, but ignored them as I thought I would never be able to do better, I guess. Grrrr. Although she was no saint in our RS, I think I still have a lot to work on myself Don't beat yourself up about it, I think that most of the stuff you said that you wanted, should have already been there, I think that somebody who truly loves you makes you a priority in their life, I wanted all that too and it's probably the simplest yet greatest gift you could give to someone, yet some people take for granted what they have and think giving a little of themselves is giving a lot and it's not, it's got to be a 50\50 deal and for whatever reason she probably took it as a criticism. I think that you've done the right thing, past relationships played on my mind a lot when I was with her and because of the past I lost myself and degraded myself, I had no respect for myself and because I had no self worth to my name, I tried to get that validated from her even if it meant ignoring red flags and sticking around to be treated poorly. To me you sound like a nice guy who probably takes things to heart and I would rather see more guys like you around than some of the guys that I've met so far in my life, I agree that you should probably work on your attitude and self esteem issues but don't throw away that part of you that longs to be loved and needed, I think that one day somebody will really appreciate that part of you.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Don't beat yourself up about it, I think that most of the stuff you said that you wanted, should have already been there, I think that somebody who truly loves you makes you a priority in their life, I wanted all that too and it's probably the simplest yet greatest gift you could give to someone, yet some people take for granted what they have and think giving a little of themselves is giving a lot and it's not, it's got to be a 50\50 deal and for whatever reason she probably took it as a criticism. I finally realized that she just didn't feel the same. What makes me angry is she let me continue to get deeper and deeper in. We should have had a serious talk when I proposed. And again when it was time to relocate together. She chose to keep me around knowing how I felt, and how she didn't feel. I was safe, comfortable, familiar and secure for her. That makes me feel extremely used I think that you've done the right thing, past relationships played on my mind a lot when I was with her and because of the past I lost myself and degraded myself, I had no respect for myself and because I had no self worth to my name, I tried to get that validated from her even if it meant ignoring red flags and sticking around to be treated poorly. This is exactly what I did as well. I think the reason I did this is that I was so physically and emotionally attracted to her. She was quite a bit younger and absolutely stunning physically (at least in my eyes). We had a lot of good times early on. The Honeymoon Stage was surreal. I fell victim to my desires. Big time!! To me you sound like a nice guy who probably takes things to heart and I would rather see more guys like you around than some of the guys that I've met so far in my life, I agree that you should probably work on your attitude and self esteem issues but don't throw away that part of you that longs to be loved and needed, I think that one day somebody will really appreciate that part of you. I hope you are right. I'm starting to ferel like the only way to not get burned is to 1) go for less attractive/desirable women so I don't fall again and/or 2) start being an a-hole, which i don't even think I have the capacity for. Right now, the future seems bleak, so I am not dating for the time being. I'm just extremely bored and lonely these days. No close friends or family and not much to do in this town... PS - Sorry for the thread-jack, OP 1
Author SinceYou'veBeenGone Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Why do you desire to be in a relationship? I'm not being facetious, I am asking genuinely. It's a desire that is part of being human. We are born with hormones, feelings, emotions, and private parts. Why the human was created this way is a philosophical/religious conversation that is not necessary to get into.
SimonSerenade Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I know how you feel, I was drawn to my ex, she was just stunning in every single way and it drove me wild with passion, I can't see myself ever feeling that again, I just don't think she felt the same, everything went down hill after I had proposed, she just seemed to resent me for it and would really go out of her way to make it known she wasn't in it for the long haul, it should of been the happiest time of our life but it didn't pan out that way. I think she stayed with me for as long as she did solely for something to do and probably out of obligation, had I known then exactly how she felt I would of cut her loose and let her find happiness rather than feel this unprecedented deep seeded wrath she has towards me now, I think that I stayed for as long as I did because I was living in hope that it would be the way it once was in the beginning and I had to ignore a lot of red flags to keep in there. These days I'm like you, bored with nothing to do, I used to meet up with my dad for coffee and a shopping spree every Friday but he died and now I really don't have anything to do or anyone to have that heart to heart with, he was the only person in my family that would ever really listen and talk things through with me without judgement. I still enjoy video games from time to time but I'll admit, it bugs me, she's out there having a great time, she's over me and has a new guy in her life and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, she's still the first and last thing on my mind, there's no justice in that, they can move on and enjoy life and it just feels like we're frozen in time waiting for the bad feelings to go away. 3
chinacat sunflower Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 If I don't make attempts to look for it (online dating, etc) then I will probably be alone forever. I don't go to bars, don't have a full time job and my social activities are very limited in meeting guys. Since I am so introverted I kind of have to look for it, or make attempts. Although I'd like my soul mate to drop from the sky I don't think he will. I met my ex through trying, going online and browsing hours through profiles. Grocery stores, etc have never proven much luck for me. I never party. This is a great thread. I'm very much like you. I'm quiet, I keep to myself, don't have many friends (they all moved far away) I don't have a full time job. So meeting people is extremely difficult. I do go bars, maybe once a month. I get hit on, but it is extremely off putting for me. Maybe you should try online dating. I did it. (It was a disaster, that's how I met my most recent ex.) But the majority of people I know that have tried online dating, have had great success. If I wasn't such a needy b*tch we would probably still be together. Maybe not. Who knows. Give it a whirl. It can't hurt. Tread lightly. Keep your head up.
supaflyz Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Well we sometime do that after a break up. Try to find someone new when we aren't completely heal. I did that, and I found out I didn't really want to talk to those other people because my ex was still on my mind. We need time off to think about things. We may then realize that our ex wasn't all that we expected or want. They aren't perfect. Once you reach that then you can find other people. Then you know this new person have qualities even better than your ex.
No_closure Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I really like all the responses on this thread. I am about to move and start a new life and my pain is very fresh but I don't see the need to be alone to heal. I want another relationship immediately but I think the reason for that is to show my ex that I DON'T need him to be happy. I know I sound childish and it is probably not a good idea but I can't stand the fact that he "won". He is happy and just fine without me so I want to show him I am too. I am on NC with him but I would SO email him a picture of me and another guy. I don't even care if he doesn't care! It will make me feel so good.
keepontruckin Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Why would you want to show him anything? It won't change a thing... Make yourself happy... 1
SimonSerenade Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Well we sometime do that after a break up. Try to find someone new when we aren't completely heal. I did that, and I found out I didn't really want to talk to those other people because my ex was still on my mind. We need time off to think about things. We may then realize that our ex wasn't all that we expected or want. They aren't perfect. Once you reach that then you can find other people. Then you know this new person have qualities even better than your ex. Ditto on that one, when the break up was fresh all I wanted to do was find somebody to replace her with, truth be told it just made me feel worse, my mind didb't want her but my heart couldn't be silenced, it just broke me apart to imagine anyone else in my arms or stood at my front door, she was precious to me, in the end I figured it was best to be alone rather than pretend all is great with someone else, there's a girl who likes me at the moment and she is really sweet, she calls me her little cutie and that should make me happy but I just feel sad because it's not my ex, a part of me wishes I was over her and could move on like she did but that's just not me and I'm content to accept that.
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