Putting sex ahead of getting a relationship?

[Ryan R.]

Alright, let's get this thread back on topic. I had a session with my therapist today. He said pretty much the same things here; to go in with zero expectations, that way you won't get crushed. I knew this already I was just wondering if anyone had any other external input.

 

I'm also going to Europe for two weeks starting on Monday. I brought up the idea of me seeing a prostitute while I'm there and he said he wouldn't recommend it, but it is something I should do if I feel like it would be able to help me get over any sexual anxieties I may have from not having beyond platonic contact. I convinced myself I wouldn't do it at all but as the days draw closer to us going it seems like I'd be a fool if I didn't do it, considering it may be the only way I can help myself over this.

 

I've done everything I've wanted to do in my life at this point in time. I've smashed personal goals, I've gone to places I never thought of in my professional life, yet this is one area that is a major detriment to me.

 

I guess I'll be more decisive when I'm actually there.

[MrCastle]

I never understood the guys who think that seeing escorts will help with their anxiety.

 

Paying for sex and putting into your head that the only way you can get laid is to pay someone to have it with you is not conducive to self confidence and getting over the hump.

 

It cheapens sex and your views on women in general. As I said in one of the other similar threads -- what's to stop you from seeing more escorts when you text a girl and she doesn't respond? Or a girl flakes on a date? You'll just tell yourself "eh, why put up with this. I can just pay for sex."

 

Forming an organic, natural, unpaid relationship with a woman is paramount to seeing actual consistent dating success.

[RedRobin]

Lots of guys try and slut-shame a woman into a relationship by pushing for sex early, then trying make her feel bad after the fact if she's not going along with it for whatever reason.

 

I'll admit it probably works on women who don't have a firm grip on their own sexuality and needs.

 

This kind of attitude is the number one reason I tell women to dump men immediately if they end up having early sex with a guy.

 

If a guy wants a relationship, he can act like he does... which usually requires development of emotional intimacy first and restraint on his part too. She cuts her losses with a guy who also wouldn't likely be on the ball for the long term.

 

... and for the segueway on to hire an escort or not... I'd argue that unpaid hookups, ONS, and FWB have an equally corrosive effect on one's ability to be monogamous down the road.

 

What's to keep those people from picking up someone new on the side when they hit a little bump in their relationship? If sliding into bed with someone is as easy as sliding into a pair of tennies, then it doesn't take much.

Edited September 13, 2013 by RedRobin

[L1ght]

Lots of guys try and slut-shame a woman into a relationship by pushing for sex early, then trying make her feel bad after the fact if she's not going along with it for whatever reason.

 

I'll admit it probably works on women who don't have a firm grip on their own sexuality and needs.

 

This kind of attitude is the number one reason I tell women to dump men immediately if they end up having early sex with a guy.

 

If a guy wants a relationship, he can act like he does... which usually requires development of emotional intimacy first and restraint on his part too. She cuts her losses with a guy who also wouldn't likely be on the ball for the long term.

 

... and for the segueway on to hire an escort or not... I'd argue that unpaid hookups, ONS, and FWB have an equally corrosive effect on one's ability to be monogamous down the road.

 

What's to keep those people from picking up someone new on the side when they hit a little bump in their relationship? If sliding into bed with someone is as easy as sliding into a pair of tennies, then it doesn't take much.

I don't have a clue what you're talking about. I have never had a problem getting into bed early with the women in my life in adult relationships. Physical attraction, chemistry, romance, intimacy, connections, whatever. I act on all of these impulses with a woman and when it feels right I make a move. There is no slut shaming. Experienced women respond to my advances and they like it. If it feels right the sex comes so naturally and as I've already stated the women who aren't ready to speed things up are inexperienced or I guess they just aren't really into the guy they are with. Its real simple.....if a women likes me I have never had a problem getting her into bed. If a woman doesn't like me there are no impulses to act upon so there is nothing there to go for in the first place.

NEWSFLASH! Women like sex just as much as men do.

[L1ght]

i push for sex early because i like sex, but i also push for sex early because females respond to it.

 

 

lets be totally honest here.

if a male has had so little sex that he doesn't know the basics would you teach him?

if a male knows what he is doing in bed, would you turn him down?

It really doesn't take long to get a lady who likes you into bed quickly. Spend enough time with her and the physical chemistry ends up shooting through the roof. A gentle touch here and there progresses into a hug then a passionate kiss and after that anyone who takes a backwards step and does nothing doesn't have a clue what they are doing. I mean what next? You kiss her passionately after taking her home to your place and then sit there twiddling your thumbs doing nothing as she starts to question if you are man enough to get the deed done?

Screw that! I've never been turned down for sex as an adult after rolling around on the floor passionately with a women.

[RedRobin]

I believe the OP was looking for the best way to start a relationship... not ways to get easy sex.

 

I don't believe early sex leads to healthy relationships.

 

Lots of myths abound about men's ability to 'lock' a woman into a relationship after sex happens... a few of which have been flung about here.

 

There is this idea that the guy somehow becomes the relationship 'decider' after he gets sex because somehow the woman becomes incapable of reasonable thought after sex happens for some bizarre reason.

 

It's a convenient myth... made more so by the pressure that society and those same men apply to women who would say 'meh' after sex with that guy and walk away rather than stay 'locked' in by the power of his penis, or whatever.

 

In other words, in this day and age when getting sex is relatively easy, both men and women are obliged to get to know someone before jumping in the sack if they want a healthy relationship.

[L1ght]

I believe the OP was looking for the best way to start a relationship... not ways to get easy sex.

 

I don't believe early sex leads to healthy relationships.

 

Lots of myths abound about men's ability to 'lock' a woman into a relationship after sex happens... a few of which have been flung about here.

 

There is this idea that the guy somehow becomes the relationship 'decider' after he gets sex because somehow the woman becomes incapable of reasonable thought after sex happens for some bizarre reason.

 

It's a convenient myth... made more so by the pressure that society and those same men apply to women who would say 'meh' after sex with that guy and walk away rather than stay 'locked' in by the power of his penis, or whatever.

 

In other words, in this day and age when getting sex is relatively easy, both men and women are obliged to get to know someone before jumping in the sack if they want a healthy relationship.

huh? women become dumb morons after a guy has had sex with them early? biggest pile of crap I've ever heard in my life.

Women become empowered when they know the guy they are with is totally into them and if anything having a guy around who wants to sleep with them is complete reinforcement of the desire he has towards her. I don't buy this "relationship decider" nonsense at all. Ive been with strong women and I've been with not so strong women and sleeping with them early has never changed who they are as a person and they have had the capacity to keep being themselves instead of all of a sudden turning into something they are not which is what that daft little myth is suggesting.

Also early sex leads to unhealthy relationships? based on what exactly? For me personally the sooner I become sexually intimate with a woman the stronger the bond gets and the more serious I take the relationship.

 

Without sex and intimacy she is not my girlfriend....she is a woman I'm close to and talk to about life and the weather.

[RedRobin]

huh? women become dumb morons after a guy has had sex with them early? biggest

pile of crap I've ever heard in my life.

 

I'm glad you agree with me on that.

 

Women become empowered when they know the guy they are with is totally into them and if anything having a guy around who wants to sleep with them is complete reinforcement of the desire he has towards her.

 

I believe we've established that most guys can have sex with just about any woman they find physically attractive with not much else to go on. It says nothing about being 'totally into her'. There is no reinforcement other than she is willing to satisfy his sexual urges. Nothing more.

 

It's one's actions outside of the bedroom that solidify how much they are or are not 'into' them. If that is not established in advance of sex, well then it's caveat emptor.

 

Also early sex leads to unhealthy relationships? based on what exactly? For me personally the sooner I become sexually intimate with a woman the stronger the bond gets and the more serious I take the relationship.

 

Ok, tell us how many women you slept with early where it didn't end up in a relationship and how many you slept with early that did.

 

We did this math in another thread some time ago.... people calculated their LTR/partner ratio. Most of those who had a habit of early sex had a very low %. In other words... odds aren't great.

 

Without sex and intimacy she is not my girlfriend....she is a woman I'm close to and talk to about life and the weather

 

Of course. Sex is part of a relationship. Noone is arguing that.

[thefooloftheyear]

I've been around a while and have a lot of experience...

 

I'm finding most women push for sex early on..I love sex and I am 100% male, so no biggie, but.... I'd NEVER dare say the type of stuff that women have said to me, despite barely knowing them. I might be thinking of it, but Id never act upon it.

 

Most women that I talk to are more sexually charged early on and more open about it than I would be. I have all the desire in the world, but I am respectful enough to try to act in an appropriate manner under the circumstances....But, then they get annoyed and insecure if I am not ripping them apart after the first few hours of contact..They think you find them unattractive if you dont....*shrug*

 

So, help us out here, ladies...What do you really want??

 

TFY

[L1ght]

I'm glad you agree with me on that.

 

 

 

I believe we've established that most guys can have sex with just about any woman they find physically attractive with not much else to go on. It says nothing about being 'totally into her'. There is no reinforcement other than she is willing to satisfy his sexual urges. Nothing more.

 

It's one's actions outside of the bedroom that solidify how much they are or are not 'into' them. If that is not established in advance of sex, well then it's caveat emptor.

 

 

 

Ok, tell us how many women you slept with early where it didn't end up in a relationship and how many you slept with early that did.

 

We did this math in another thread some time ago.... people calculated their LTR/partner ratio. Most of those who had a habit of early sex had a very low %. In other words... odds aren't great.

 

 

 

Of course. Sex is part of a relationship. Noone is arguing that.

To answer your question I have no clue how many women I've slept with. I also have always slept with women I end up in a relationship with very early so actually my % rate is 100% since they are all based on sex early in a relationship. Not since I was a teen did I wait for sex.

Some relationships last a few months and others last a few years.

Sounds to me like the difference between me and the guys who have to wait for sex is that I pursue a woman when I get the right signals from them but they pursue women who don't even know they exist or have never shown any signs of interest towards them so basically they have to try and convince her that she likes him enough to become sexually intimate with him.

Its in a womans eyes. You can totally tell when she is sexually attracted to you as she can't take her eyes off you. That's when a guy should go for it...its a total green light situation.

Women who don't get this are totally missing out on the guys who would turn their attentions towards them but instead turn their attentions to other women who aren't afraid to follow their sexual desires.

Edited September 13, 2013 by L1ght

[happydate]

just most females. complete whole sane women, that's super rare. guys that wait months, years, and the result. having their heart broken. she moves on to the loser who she wastes no time having sex with.

 

Like attracts like -- the girls you sleep with have similar psychological traits as yours. If you're not a whole man, you'll attract mostly less whole women. That's the way it is.

[RedRobin]

To answer your question I have no clue how many women I've slept with. I also have always slept with women I end up in a relationship with very early so actually my % rate is 100% since they are all based on sex early in a relationship. Not since I was a teen did I wait for sex.

Some relationships last a few months and others last a few years.

Sounds to me like the difference between me and the guys who have to wait for sex is that I pursue a woman when I get the right signals from them but they pursue women who don't even know they exist or have never shown any signs of interest towards them so basically they have to try and convince her that she likes him enough to become sexually intimate with him.

Its in a womans eyes. You can totally tell when she is sexually attracted to you as she can't take her eyes off you. That's when a guy should go for it...its a total green light situation.

Women who don't get this are totally missing out on the guys who would turn their attentions towards them but instead turn their attentions to other women who aren't afraid to follow their sexual desires.

 

Hmm... if you have no idea how many women you've slept with, I'd argue that you'd make a poor choice for any woman who is looking for a relationship.

 

As in.... the chance of her being in a relationship with you is quite low.

 

We all get it that, culturally, men are given the green light to have casual sex with no consequences. I don't happen to believe this makes him a better lover or a better partner. Just the reverse, actually.

 

Smart people who are looking for a relationship are not afraid to follow their sexual desires. They just choose not to with people whose engagement with such are not in their long term interests. Anyone can have casual or early sex. All it takes is the willingness to lose any desire for reasonable discretion or responsibility.

 

Lack of discretion and responsibility aren't exactly attractive traits to me and lots of other people.

 

All you are doing is screening for others who also have little discretion.

 

It's not rocket science. It also doesn't make those who do more 'sexual'. Just like eating a steady diet of McDonald's hamburgers on a regular basis doesn't make one a connessieur of fine food.

Edited September 13, 2013 by RedRobin

[happydate]

Alright, let's get this thread back on topic. I had a session with my therapist today. He said pretty much the same things here; to go in with zero expectations, that way you won't get crushed. I knew this already I was just wondering if anyone had any other external input.

 

I'm also going to Europe for two weeks starting on Monday. I brought up the idea of me seeing a prostitute while I'm there and he said he wouldn't recommend it, but it is something I should do if I feel like it would be able to help me get over any sexual anxieties I may have from not having beyond platonic contact. I convinced myself I wouldn't do it at all but as the days draw closer to us going it seems like I'd be a fool if I didn't do it, considering it may be the only way I can help myself over this.

 

I've done everything I've wanted to do in my life at this point in time. I've smashed personal goals, I've gone to places I never thought of in my professional life, yet this is one area that is a major detriment to me.

 

I guess I'll be more decisive when I'm actually there.

 

You haven't done anything in your life! Those personal goals are selfish self-centered goals you developed to run away from your own psychological imbalances and repressed emotions that you may have developed during your childhood or teen years. Women do exactly the same like you do -- run away and try to achieve goals in life to mask their insecurities.

 

I used to be like yourself and achieved everything except women. I was shy, introverted and not very social. A basic NERD! I even went to Pat Pong Thailand and Angeles City in the Philippines to get laid with lots of young tight wet wholes to satisfy my dreams. Yes it was lots of fun, lots to learn from the experts but you know what. It was EMPTY SEX. They just laid there like a piece of dead log waiting for you to cum. Incidentally, those places are where people like yourself frequent. Lots of expats and losers who couldn't get laid with a proper mutual loving relationship.

 

Then of course I realized that, it was me that needs to change. There are underlying subconscious thoughts and repressed emotions that was causing me to need empty sex. Sex I thought would fill up my empty heart and thought it would complete me. But instead, it made me even more empty and longing for more sex cause it just never got me satisfied. Until of course I woke up and face the demon inside of me.

 

There are demons inside of you that you need to face. Running away in terms of achieving other goals is not what life is all about. Life is about facing resistance and then transcending them. If you have issues dating women and having them like you; perhaps it is something that is triggering you to behave in a way that these women find repulsive.

 

Women sleep with guys when they find them attractive, protective, warmly intimate and trusting and they will only be with you if you provide them these somewhat comforting male qualities on the ongoing basis. Some guys can do that naturally on the get go and so, they get laid faster. Some guys takes a while that get that going, so the sex comes later. But natural sex from dating and relationships is a form of mutual intimate connection and they get that from their parents who provide a stable nurturing upbringing.

Edited September 13, 2013 by happydate

[L1ght]

Hmm... if you have no idea how many women you've slept with, I'd argue that you'd make a poor choice for any woman who is looking for a relationship.

 

As in.... the chance of her being in a relationship with you is quite low.

 

We all get it that, culturally, men are given the green light to have casual sex with no consequences. I don't happen to believe this makes him a better lover or a better partner. Just the reverse, actually.

 

Smart people who are looking for a relationship are not afraid to follow their sexual desires. They just choose not to with people whose engagement with such are not in their long term interests. Anyone can have casual or early sex. All it takes is the willingness to lose any desire for reasonable discretion or responsibility.

 

Lack of discretion and responsibility aren't exactly attractive traits to me and lots of other people.

 

All you are doing is screening for others who also have little discretion.

 

It's not rocket science. It also doesn't make those who do more 'sexual'. Just like eating a steady diet of McDonald's hamburgers on a regular basis doesn't make one a connessieur of fine food.

I honestly don't have a clue what you are talking about. It is not an adult relationship if intimacy and sexual activity aren't involved. What happens in the "relationships" you speak of? Guy hangs around with girl for 6 months without ever having sex with her and his time is spent complimenting her, telling her how wonderful she is and that he will be by her side forever and ever? Holding hands in front of the TV then going into separate rooms at the end of the night? Gimme a break. If hes a real man he will definitely have other options who he is having sex with until he gets the opportunity to have sex with her but personally I would never dream of classing a woman I hang around with without engaging in sexual activity with as someone I'm in a relationship with. I would class it more like a woman I'm pursuing that I kiss, cuddle and compliment....then I go home and masturbate most probably before deciding to try my luck with somebody else.

[RedRobin]

never mind.... not interested in having this argument again...

 

Early sex doesn't usually lead to a healthy relationship.

 

People who want a healthy relationship act accordingly.

 

Those who don't, also tend to act accordingly.

Edited September 13, 2013 by RedRobin

[L1ght]

Early sex = sex with a stranger in my book

 

There is nothing 'intimate' about having sex with a stranger

 

Adults do it, sure. Lets not kid ourselves into thinking that these lead to relationships most of the time.

 

So let's not steer our young OP into believing it does.

 

I personally have no interest in propping up the egos of random people who think that sex with strangers or near strangers is a path to anything other than their sexual satisfaction. Very rarely does it lead to anything other than that. Nor does it make them more 'sexual' than those who prefer to get to know someone before having sex.

 

Just so we are clear.

I never said anything about strangers but yeah sure I've taken my fair share of strangers home after a night out on the town.

As for women I know from work or through friends or wherever? Obviously there is a period where I get to know them before I take them out. Once I do start taking them out and spending more time with them "just so we are clear" I will point out to you that at no point does anything become "official" with that person until at least after I have slept with them. Until I do she is just some girl I am dating and spending time with and the chances are I am spending time with someone else too.....I mean lets be honest, When you start dating someone don't you have other options who are still in your life? cos I'm damn well sure that I always do. Only when things start to get serious with one girl do I begin to commit to her alone....until then I just play the game and see where things end up.

Without sex there isn't a chance in hell I will take something I have with a girl seriously.

[L1ght]

never mind.... not interested in having this argument again...

 

Early sex doesn't usually lead to a healthy relationship.

 

People who want a healthy relationship act accordingly.

 

Those who don't, also tend to act accordingly.

You don't know what you're talking about. I have had plenty of healthy relationships that had early sex....I mean is it a written law from the Gods or something that they will be unhealthy? You just made it up and if you've never experienced it then you clearly are not qualified to comment on it. Healthy relationships depend on the individuals themselves and at the end of the day its up to themselves to make the best of it....early sex or not early sex. (though preferably early sex cos hanging around with a girl and telling her how beautiful she is without actually getting the chance to take the next step is not my idea of a great time).

[ltjg45]

Well, something to keep in mind here is that Light is in the UK, which I have to argue is a more sane dating country than the U.S.

 

I just don't see early sex = healthy relationship ideal working as well in the U.S. Quite the opposite, in fact.

[L1ght]

Well, something to keep in mind here is that Light is in the UK, which I have to argue is a more sane dating country than the U.S.

 

I just don't see early sex = healthy relationship ideal working as well in the U.S. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I always thought the USA would have the same ideas about sex as we do.....well maybe not in the bible belt areas of the USA I guess.

Yeah its true women here are pretty open minded about sex and if a woman likes you and you are man enough to make a move the chances are you will be successful early on. Sometimes they might say something like "I don't normally go for guys like you" or "I don't normally rush into things" but by the end of the night I'm sleeping with them.

UK women Rock when it comes to attitudes about sex.....well from my experience that is.

[RedRobin]

You don't know what you're talking about. I have had plenty of healthy relationships that had early sex....I mean is it a written law from the Gods or something that they will be unhealthy? You just made it up and if you've never experienced it then you clearly are not qualified to comment on it. Healthy relationships depend on the individuals themselves and at the end of the day its up to themselves to make the best of it....early sex or not early sex. (though preferably early sex cos hanging around with a girl and telling her how beautiful she is without actually getting the chance to take the next step is not my idea of a great time).

 

Sure I do. I work around all men and have my entire adult life.

 

You being one data point and self-described 'healthy' doesn't equate with what I've witnessed in my many years working around all men... hearing how they talk about women and their 'relationships'.

 

Men who have problems committing or being monogamous for any extended period of time have a zillion reasons to justify why early sex works out A-OK... most of them baloney.

 

It's perfectly predictable really. If they couldn't convince near strangers to have sex with them, their commitment-phobe lifestyle wouldn't be enabled. That's fine.

 

If they don't care about a relationship, then yea, keep letting the genitals do the thinking. That's a great strategy.

Edited September 13, 2013 by RedRobin

[happydate]

I always thought the USA would have the same ideas about sex as we do.....well maybe not in the bible belt areas of the USA I guess.

Yeah its true women here are pretty open minded about sex and if a woman likes you and you are man enough to make a move the chances are you will be successful early on. Sometimes they might say something like "I don't normally go for guys like you" or "I don't normally rush into things" but by the end of the night I'm sleeping with them.

UK women Rock when it comes to attitudes about sex.....well from my experience that is.

 

Actually North American women in general have the same general liberal attitude towards sex. I don't think it makes any difference if you're in the UK or USA. Sex is sex; it doesn't matter when it's done Union Jack's style or Star Spangled Band style either!

 

I know where Red Robin is coming from and in some ways, she does have a point. I attended several relationship conferences and know many dating counsellors who would recommend holding sex a bit while you keep building a relationship with the man or woman.

 

When a man and a woman meet, it's always exciting, fresh and new. When the lust kicks in, the euphoric feeling between the two feel great. However, this honey moon period does not last forever. Sooner or that, the lusting feeling turn into reality. Now, if you had sex too soon and you haven't had enough time to build a loving foundation to support it once the lust or honeymoon period wore off, then you really have nothing else to work on. BUT, you can have early sex and then after that ends, both healthy wholesome adults can then start the heavy lifting to try and solidfy the relationship further. The key is the foundation. If your love foundation is built on bed rock, then obviously after the honeymoon ends, it won't sink. If it's built on quick sand, then no matter how early or later both couples have sex, it will sink! Sex is always used as a scapegoat by many couples because they aren't willing to look themselves in the mirror that, it is NOT SEX that cause them to fail, it is themselves that could not form a foundation strong enough to hold both together. And that has always proven to be true.

 

Secondly, it is a commitment. When a woman looks for a commitment, she means marriage or a commitment to be monogamous. That's an individual choice, but if a woman is looking for a commitment from a man and use games and filters to try to withhold sex in the attempt to force a man for a commitment, that's not gonna work either. And I've seen this happen a few times.

 

A man will only commit to a woman if she can complement and has something to really offer towards the relationship plus he is completely attracted to her. And that is something to offer is not only sex. If you have nothing to offer on the table other than sex to a man in the relationship, you can not hold him. He will feel trapped and constricted.

 

North American women in general are extremely dominating and think that their manly like attitude and demeanour in the name of women rights movement will get men to commit to them. Think really hard about this if you're having trouble getting your man to commit, because there are a lot of other North American women who aren't dominating and masculine like yet able to extend their feminity with sureness and confidence that make men bow to them.

 

Edited September 13, 2013 by happydate

[RedRobin]

.......................................................

Edited September 13, 2013 by RedRobin
decided it was off-topic

[Ryan R.]

Alright. Let's leave the sexual ethics out of this. If you two wish to discuss this at a more private venue, you are welcome to do so but this topic is not about that.

 

I never understood the guys who think that seeing escorts will help with their anxiety.

 

Paying for sex and putting into your head that the only way you can get laid is to pay someone to have it with you is not conducive to self confidence and getting over the hump.

 

It cheapens sex and your views on women in general. As I said in one of the other similar threads -- what's to stop you from seeing more escorts when you text a girl and she doesn't respond? Or a girl flakes on a date? You'll just tell yourself "eh, why put up with this. I can just pay for sex."

 

Forming an organic, natural, unpaid relationship with a woman is paramount to seeing actual consistent dating success.

 

I live in NYC. Rates for escorts here are very high (like everything else haha). I can't just call up an escort if a girl doesn't want to go on a date with me. It just isn't possible financially at this stage in my life. If I follow an anticipated course of career projection, then I would have enough money to consistently use them.

 

Organic... natural... At this point, the only context I know those words to be in is relating to food. Certainly not dating. I was around girls my entire college years. If something organic was to happen, it would have.

 

You haven't done anything in your life! Those personal goals are selfish self-centered goals you developed to run away from your own psychological imbalances and repressed emotions that you may have developed during your childhood or teen years. Women do exactly the same like you do -- run away and try to achieve goals in life to mask their insecurities.

 

I used to be like yourself and achieved everything except women. I was shy, introverted and not very social. A basic NERD! I even went to Pat Pong Thailand and Angeles City in the Philippines to get laid with lots of young tight wet wholes to satisfy my dreams. Yes it was lots of fun, lots to learn from the experts but you know what. It was EMPTY SEX. They just laid there like a piece of dead log waiting for you to cum. Incidentally, those places are where people like yourself frequent. Lots of expats and losers who couldn't get laid with a proper mutual loving relationship.

 

Then of course I realized that, it was me that needs to change. There are underlying subconscious thoughts and repressed emotions that was causing me to need empty sex. Sex I thought would fill up my empty heart and thought it would complete me. But instead, it made me even more empty and longing for more sex cause it just never got me satisfied. Until of course I woke up and face the demon inside of me.

 

There are demons inside of you that you need to face. Running away in terms of achieving other goals is not what life is all about. Life is about facing resistance and then transcending them. If you have issues dating women and having them like you; perhaps it is something that is triggering you to behave in a way that these women find repulsive.

 

Women sleep with guys when they find them attractive, protective, warmly intimate and trusting and they will only be with you if you provide them these somewhat comforting male qualities on the ongoing basis. Some guys can do that naturally on the get go and so, they get laid faster. Some guys takes a while that get that going, so the sex comes later. But natural sex from dating and relationships is a form of mutual intimate connection and they get that from their parents who provide a stable nurturing upbringing.

 

I don't know... to say I haven't achieved any of my goals and that they're selfish when you don't know me is pretty ignorant, IMO. I'd also consider myself a warm person.

Edited September 13, 2013 by Ryan R.

[RedRobin]

Well, Ryan. R

 

If you were going to hire an escort, I'd consider Europe first... and only in areas where it is regulated and legal. In those areas, it is much less likely you'd come across a woman who was trafficked into the business and who has regular health checks.

 

Not sure how long you have to spend over there. It is kind of too bad you can't spend more time in a little different culture.

 

I don't agree with the other poster about people in different cultures being more open sexually. I DO believe that some other cultures don't have a tradition of trashing women for their sexuality as much as happens here in the US, which creates a better environment overall.

[Red Wolverine]

So I talked to my roommate today who is good with women and asked him a reason why he's so successful. He said because he always puts sex as a priority instead of getting a relationship. He said he has never looked at a girl and said "I want to get to know her better". Instead, he has said, "I want to have sex with her". Obviously, he's done well in this department but he had two girlfriends in college and now he's seeing someone about to turn it into a relationship. These all started from hookups.

 

If he's right, I think I know what my problem is. I've been too relationship minded when in reality I should be thinking about getting sex instead of getting a relationship. I'm going to bring this up to my therapist on our next session but I wanted to see what you guys think. Have you had any success with this method and what was the conversion rate.

 

Couple of points....

 

I disagree with this but I'm in my 40s and I'm assuming you're in your early 20s.

 

You need to decide whether you just want sex or if you want to have sex with someone you care about enough to be in a relationship with. They are not the same things.

 

I've never done it but I couldn't have sex with someone for the sake of sex. Passion makes sex enjoyable and I don't believe that happens just from looking at someone. It takes a connection and trust.