Putting sex ahead of getting a relationship?

[Ryan R.]

So I talked to my roommate today who is good with women and asked him a reason why he's so successful. He said because he always puts sex as a priority instead of getting a relationship. He said he has never looked at a girl and said "I want to get to know her better". Instead, he has said, "I want to have sex with her". Obviously, he's done well in this department but he had two girlfriends in college and now he's seeing someone about to turn it into a relationship. These all started from hookups.

 

If he's right, I think I know what my problem is. I've been too relationship minded when in reality I should be thinking about getting sex instead of getting a relationship. I'm going to bring this up to my therapist on our next session but I wanted to see what you guys think. Have you had any success with this method and what was the conversion rate.

[MrCastle]

The goal for me has been to manage expectations.

 

To make a sports analogy -- whenever an athlete is interviewed after a win, and is asked about the keys to victory, they often say something like "we just took what the defense gave us. Not trying to force anything or do too much."

 

Take what people give you. That's something everybody needs to understand. You can't force anything. That's when relationship problems come into play.

 

Some people are only going to be good for sex. That's just the way it is. Some people are going to be good for a relationship. It all depends on chemistry, personality differences, lifestyle differences, etc.

 

You can't force one to become the other.

 

When I meet a new woman, I have no expectations. We exchange numbers, I flirt and see how far I can take things. See how attracted she is to me, and go from there.

 

I don't look at every girl as a f*ck buddy, or every girl as a potential girlfriend. I look at every girl as a "we'll see."

 

Depending on how we connect, and in what ways we connect, I then decide whether this will be no more than a fling, or if there is something more there.

 

So, my advice to you will be to manage your expectations. Don't go out actively looking for girlfriends or see every girl as a possible girlfriend. Get a feel for them and understand what kind of relationship will work best for both of you.

[MissBee]

Do you want sex or a relationship?

 

I'm confused. If he is looking for sex and gets it then yes he is "successful" but if you want a relationship but settle for sex or pretend you only want sex (which oddly is what lots of women do) then you're not actually successful, as you're actually not achieving your intended/desired goals.

[Ryan R.]

Do you want sex or a relationship?

 

I'm confused. If he is looking for sex and gets it then yes he is "successful" but if you want a relationship but settle for sex or pretend you only want sex (which oddly is what lots of women do) then you're not actually successful, as you're actually not achieving your intended/desired goals.

 

A relationship would be ideal because hopefully and ideally, we would be able to explore sex within that context. However, for someone with my inexperience level with girls, getting a relationship is not only overreaching but it is unsustainable as well. I am still a virgin at this age and I've never even been on date. So I don't even have the basics down. All of the guys I know who are in loving relationships and such had a "boys will be boys" period where they just had a string of one night stands.

 

Since being in New York, I have approached over 40 different women in night and day scenarios. I'm still single. I remember talking to my therapist and telling him that I have already envisioned life alone. Even as a child I did this. I have had moments where I imagine what life would be like with a significant other and how I'd act but it was all just fantasy.

 

So no, I am not successful in either one of those endeavors.

[Antenna_Of_Destiny]

If you want a relationship, give a woman strong, hard multiple orgasms. After a few rounds of screaming orgasms she will look at you with doe eyes and little hearts swimming above her head.

[MissBee]

A relationship would be ideal because hopefully and ideally, we would be able to explore sex within that context. However, for someone with my inexperience level with girls, getting a relationship is not only overreaching but it is unsustainable as well. I am still a virgin at this age and I've never even been on date. So I don't even have the basics down. All of the guys I know who are in loving relationships and such had a "boys will be boys" period where they just had a string of one night stands.

 

Since being in New York, I have approached over 40 different women in night and day scenarios. I'm still single. I remember talking to my therapist and telling him that I have already envisioned life alone. Even as a child I did this. I have had moments where I imagine what life would be like with a significant other and how I'd act but it was all just fantasy.

 

So no, I am not successful in either one of those endeavors.

 

 

I am still confused...how is getting sex (unless you mean you're paying for it or drugging her) easier than getting a woman to date you/be in a relationship?

 

If you have what it takes to get a woman interested enough to want to sleep with you, then why would a relationship be reaching?

 

In my book it seems easier for an inexperienced guy to get a woman to go on a few dates and get to know you and like you and have some kind of relationship versus getting her to just hook up with you.

[Ryan R.]

I am still confused...how is getting sex (unless you mean you're paying for it or drugging her) easier than getting a woman to date you/be in a relationship?

 

If you have what it takes to get a woman interested enough to want to sleep with you, then why would a relationship be reaching?

 

In my book it seems easier for an inexperienced guy to get a woman to go on a few dates and get to know you and like you and have some kind of relationship versus getting her to just hook up with you.

 

In bars, clubs, and at parties people are usually on alcohol or a combination of some sort of drugs, so inhibitions are lowered. Even though that happens for most people, I find when I ingest alcohol, I am more self-conscious than normal unless I am destroyed. When trying to go on dates, both parties are most likely not intoxicated at all. So I can see it would be easier for at least one of the parties to initiate something.

 

Also, in a relationship it seems like a lot of people are looking for a person they are attracted to while having personality.

[RedRobin]

If you want a relationship, give a woman strong, hard multiple orgasms. After a few rounds of screaming orgasms she will look at you with doe eyes and little hearts swimming above her head.

 

oh baloney.... This only works for naïve girls or one who are not emotionally healthy... which is exactly the kind of girls the PUA type guys target. Not surprisingly.

 

The ones who are not naïve, or are more grounded will simply say "thanks pal" and will have no problems sending him on his way if he doesn't treat her right.

 

You can't 'lock' an emotionally healthy woman into a relationship with sex alone. No matter how much evo-psyche you read or wanna believe.

 

OP... I'd suggest some other way than PUA tricks like your roommate is suggesting. Just because he has sex with lots of women doesn't mean he is 'good' with them at all. Could mean lots of things, depending on his target market.

 

Maybe he's just a good liar.

 

I know very few relationships that started from hookups... OTOH, my definition of a 'relationship' probably differs from the early 20 something crowd.

Edited September 11, 2013 by RedRobin

[MissBee]

In bars, clubs, and at parties people are usually on alcohol or a combination of some sort of drugs, so inhibitions are lowered. Even though that happens for most people, I find when I ingest alcohol, I am more self-conscious than normal unless I am destroyed. When trying to go on dates, both parties are most likely not intoxicated at all. So I can see it would be easier for at least one of the parties to initiate something.

 

Also, in a relationship it seems like a lot of people are looking for a person they are attracted to while having personality.

 

Well it sounds abysmal that you're hoping for drunken indiscretions. Anyway, hopefully your therapist really helps you through this as this entire mentality is unhelpful.

[candie13]

hum... some people get more kicks out of being emotionally compatible rather than sexually attractive. It depends what's more important to you. Maybe to you it's more important to find a person that is a good talker - and listener, rather than flirty and provocative.

 

The only must is to really really like the person in front of you. If you feel like you're compromising, as in not feeling that attracted to your date, but continuing to see her anyway, because she is a good listener... yeah, friend zone those girls straight away.

 

you wanna be dreaming about doing nasty things to that girl... understand what I mean?

[Ryan R.]

oh baloney.... This only works for naïve girls or one who are not emotionally healthy... which is exactly the kind of girls the PUA type guys target. Not surprisingly.

 

The ones who are not naïve, or are more grounded will simply say "thanks pal" and will have no problems sending him on his way if he doesn't treat her right.

 

You can't 'lock' an emotionally healthy woman into a relationship with sex alone. No matter how much evo-psyche you read or wanna believe.

 

OP... I'd suggest some other way than PUA tricks like your roommate is suggesting. Just because he has sex with lots of women doesn't mean he is 'good' with them at all. Could mean lots of things, depending on his target market.

 

Maybe he's just a good liar.

 

I know very few relationships that started from hookups... OTOH, my definition of a 'relationship' probably differs from the early 20 something crowd.

 

 

Well, my roommate is neither a PUA nor is he a liar. I've know him for four years now since we first started college. He doesn't talk trash about the girls he sleeps with and he always respects boundaries. It just so happens to be that he's an attractive guy that women want to be with and have sex with. He's always wanted to help me and he's actually one of the reasons I decided to stay here and not move back home. He's just explaining what works for him and I see nothing wrong with that. So if there's a bad person in this situation, its not him.

[Ryan R.]

Well it sounds abysmal that you're hoping for drunken indiscretions. Anyway, hopefully your therapist really helps you through this as this entire mentality is unhelpful.

 

I wouldn't say I'm really "hoping" but that seems to be par for the course in those types of environments. All of the hookups I know from college involved one of two things: some or a lot of alcohol or extreme physical attraction. It was mostly the former than the latter. For some reason, it seems very hard to generate the second in girls.

[candie13]

All of the hookups I know from college involved one of two things: some or a lot of alcohol or extreme physical attraction. It was mostly the former than the latter. For some reason, it seems very hard to generate the second in girls.

 

Your roommate seems to be connecting with girls mainly sexually. It's his thing. I mainly connect with guys intellectually. Talk to me, listen to me, interact and make some jokes and yeah, you got my attention.

 

Every person works differently. It was more difficult to enjoy my dates if you are like me, in the early twenties, because most men my age were exclusively and very obviously interested in getting into my knickers.

 

It sucks. But it is what it is. Once I understood what turned me on about I guy, I started to look for that. It's the only way I can connect.

 

What I am trying to say, even if you had this amazing sexual attraction towards all girls your age... they would be attracted to you, but you wouldn't necessarily be attracted to them.

 

Understand what your thing is. What you appreciate. What makes you tick. And go after that, without judging. You are different. You need to accept it, in order to find out what makes you happy.

[BlackDice]

If you want to be in a relationship the best way is to put sex ahead.

 

You wont really see the other person for who she is until you have gotten that out of the way... You might think you wanted a relationship with her but afterwards you realize that you did not really.

 

Also it is easier to get in a relationship with someone you already did it, compared to if you did not.

 

Woman hold the key to sex while men hold the key to relationships.

Of course from her point of view it would be more advantageous to withhold the former so that she gets the later, but once you get your own mind of the first one, you will be able to decide without confusion.

[pteromom]

He's just explaining what works for him and I see nothing wrong with that. So if there's a bad person in this situation, its not him.

 

As long as he is being honest with the girls he sleeps with that it is just sex, then, no, he's not a bad person.

 

But the bigger question is do you want what he has?

 

If you want to be able to go out and sleep with different girls, then sure, pay attention to what he does and emulate it.

 

If you want sex with one special woman, then going into a relationship focused on only sex is a recipe for disaster.

[veggirl]

OP how old are you?

 

In college, yes this probably works. I knew plenty of guys in college who only wanted sex and they had girls practically BEGGING to lock them down.

 

In adult life though? Not sure this technique would work unless somehow women know you have a lot of options and in that case it could...it's like, you are pre-approved by other women.

[L1ght]

I have never entered into an adult relationship with someone without having sex with them first. Its after sleeping with someone a few times I start to get an indication as to whether I want to make things more official or not.

Committing to someone before sex? Never.

[Ryan R.]

OP how old are you?

 

In college, yes this probably works. I knew plenty of guys in college who only wanted sex and they had girls practically BEGGING to lock them down.

 

In adult life though? Not sure this technique would work unless somehow women know you have a lot of options and in that case it could...it's like, you are pre-approved by other women.

 

I'm turning 22 in a week and I just finished college earlier in May. Recent transplant to NY.

[RedRobin]

I have never entered into an adult relationship with someone without having sex with them first. Its after sleeping with someone a few times I start to get an indication as to whether I want to make things more official or not.

Committing to someone before sex? Never.

 

Being in a 'relationship' is NOT a commitment.

 

Marriage IS a commitment

 

It really annoys me how some people these days seem to equate monogamy with commitment... it isn't. It just means you aren't having sex with other people.

[TheGuard13]

Is it possible that the OP's roommate was just trying to tell him in a roundabout way not to be clingy/needy when it comes to getting to know woman, and not to push the issue of a relationship/exclusivity early on?

[Ryan R.]

Is it possible that the OP's roommate was just trying to tell him in a roundabout way not to be clingy/needy when it comes to getting to know woman, and not to push the issue of a relationship/exclusivity early on?

 

My roommate is not a "roundabout" kind of guy. He is direct and to the point. If he wants to let you know something, you'll hear about it.

[L1ght]

i have tried the waiting for sex first a long time ago. it give her all the control and my heart got broken every time. never again.

I havn't waited for sex with a girl since I was 17 and I guess I would class that as my last real childhood romance because once I started clubbing around that time and seeing how easy it was to hook up with other girls my whole perspective on waiting for a girl to be ready for sex completely changed when I realised there were other girls out there who were just as interested in sex as I was. That was like 14 years ago and since then its always about sex first and potentially something else after getting to know them. I always gravitate towards experienced women who want the same things I do and I can't even imagine attempting to romance someone who was inexperienced and wanted to take things slow as it would just feel like a massive backwards step for me.

[L1ght]

Being in a 'relationship' is NOT a commitment.

 

Marriage IS a commitment

 

It really annoys me how some people these days seem to equate monogamy with commitment... it isn't. It just means you aren't having sex with other people.

uhm......I don't really know how to respond to your little outburst and have no clue how something so trivial could "annoy" you.

Right...well...commitment......so you're saying that every couple on the planet that doesn't marry can never ever have commitment towards each other? Ah the joys of being chained together through marriage with someone who we could potentially fall out of love with at some point in the future. That really isn't my cuppa tea and I find it quite easy to commit myself to somebody without ever speaking of such things as marriage. For starters it makes the break up process so much easier as I don't have to worry about somebody trying to bleed me dry through a messy divorce. Commitment is most certainly possible without marriage and there's many people who spend their lives together while never marrying which is in a lot of ways a very smart move to make based on the amount of people who indeed to actually end up divorcing each other. I would argue that marriage is for suckers but each to their own as they say.

[happydate]

So I talked to my roommate today who is good with women and asked him a reason why he's so successful. He said because he always puts sex as a priority instead of getting a relationship. He said he has never looked at a girl and said "I want to get to know her better". Instead, he has said, "I want to have sex with her". Obviously, he's done well in this department but he had two girlfriends in college and now he's seeing someone about to turn it into a relationship. These all started from hookups.

 

If he's right, I think I know what my problem is. I've been too relationship minded when in reality I should be thinking about getting sex instead of getting a relationship. I'm going to bring this up to my therapist on our next session but I wanted to see what you guys think. Have you had any success with this method and what was the conversion rate.

 

He's just saying it very crudely. What he really means is this..

 

If you are looking for someone to complete you, then you will not find it.

BUT, if you feel whole and has no expectations of needing a relationship to complete, then you will be rewarded with comes to you. And women literally do fall on your lap. They chase you.

 

This is the same with athletes. Those who are clock watchers and expect victory usually are second best. Those who know they can do it like Michael Phelps don't expect anything because he knows he can do it. With no expectations come the rewards in many folds. That require trust and guts within you. No external PUA games can make a man like this. It has to come from within through proper upbringing or psychological balancing. It's in the subsconscious mind.

 

When the guy is whole, his happiness and self-esteem come from within. He does not NEED an external girlfriend to make him authentic, happy, complete and confident. He's already in that state. So the women who come into their life will be his rewards, be it a short term fling or a long term relationship. Sex would be the ultimate outcome or icing on the cake for sure, but he has the option to choose within his own time, conditions and comfort to have sex. How many guys can do this?

 

So to make it proper. A man who is whole can attain anything without needing anything to make him complete. So girls come along will find him extremely sexy and exciting and want a piece of him! That's why you keep hearing the words. I don't need to chase women. Women who need someone to complete them chase these men!

Edited September 12, 2013 by happydate

[happydate]

that's how it is. how often do females reject males for having too many previous sexual partners? trick question! if a guy has had 100 previous, he wasn't turned down for having 95,96,97,98,99 and can he won't be turned down for having 100 when going for number 101.

 

 

on the other hand if the guy had no previous sex, good luck to him. he will be turned down left and right, even among the religious, even among the prim and proper.

 

 

the females don't often admit this publicly but the evidence doesn't lie. conclusion. even if you are after a relationship, put sex ahead of a relationship. once you have sex, it is much harder for her to make up a lame excuse and leave immediately. females want sex as much as us.

 

Don't generalize all women. Not all females want desperate sex like men without any feelings. Most women I know want to get to know you first, have some feelings and do the deeds.

 

Having said that -- the women you see and associate with are those kinds. I suspect that they had repressed emotions and still thinking about their ex-boyfriends. You see with these women, the time scale for them to have sex is, guess what, somewhat shortened.

 

Why is that? Because these women COMPARE any new guy to their old exes. If her ex-boyfriend did her in the 2nd date, well I guess you as her new man better be doing her within the 2nd or 4th date. Any later than that, you will be considered a looser at least to her eyes and usually won't get it. You see that when women starts comparing and sizing their men, they will develop certain tastes for men. But this is in itself a mirage. They want to settle with a boyfriend who has ALL the best attributes of their exes so he can complete her. But this guy never exists or will never exist as no one can complete her. So they keep looking and keep shacking up in bed. These women come in all ages up to and before retirement age. If you date these kinds of women, then most men would consider the sex option because there's no relationship potential. You can not replace her best ex no matter how good you sex her or best her. Unless her ex is weaker than you, but then she's a perfectionist. Eventually she will find a flaw in you and then she's out again prowling for another guy and then she sets the bar higher.

 

However, complete whole sane women do not do this. They actually wait to have sex later in the relationship, very fun and interesting with and has no stupid dramas to play. They are confident, secure and know what they not want to do -- getting pushed to have sex. They only settle with a completely whole man.

 

Insecure girls have sex because they can't fight for themselves so they take the abuse and store this in a form of repressed emotions as anger, hate, remorse etc...

 

 

Edited September 12, 2013 by happydate