Why am I crushing so badly this time?

[myocardium]

After my divorce in 2011 (4yr marriage, no children), it took me over a year to get used to it all and readjust my life. Then another year to get into a position where I could even think about dating again. Cue a few dates which led to nowhere (some online, some through mutual friends). Usually I just end up finding out the woman isn't really my type and I just leave things at that. To be honest, I've never really had good game...it's a miracle I managed to fall for someone and have the feelings reciprocated enough to get married! Alas, in my younger years I was usually friend-zoned.

 

Nowadays I'm quite cynical about dating + relationships and feel quite apathetic about starting something off. I usually shrug feelings off thinking 'oh it'll never work out anyway', 'there's no point in getting emotionally invested' or 'she'll eventually find out i'm divorced and run a mile' and don't get embroiled in crushes etc. I just spend any spare time with a few close friends enjoying their company instead of more failed attempts at trying to meet someone. I guess I just keep my defences up high and am too worried about taking a chance and getting hurt again.

 

I realise I sound like the most negative hermit-like humbug ever, but I swear that's not the kind of person I am. I enjoy socialising and letting my extroverted side out, make good conversation with new people I meet, nearly always suited up (dress to impress) and just generally act decently. My girlpals keep telling me how I'm 'the nicest guy they've ever met' and other phrases to that effect which makes me cringe to high heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a doormat and don't do those stereotypical floppy things which kills any attraction. I can't work out why I have this reputation; I stand up for myself and don't let anyone take advantage of me...no matter how much I like them.

 

 

 

Anyway, a few months ago a new girl started at the place I work part-time and during holidays (i'm a late bloomer at uni). Cue the same old story I'm sure you have heard of many times...talk, get along, laugh, tease, flirt, texts etc. I liked her but always thought she was much younger, so I left it as a no-go area and just assumed she has a pleasant demeanour so will talk and banter with anybody. I work there about once a week and being shift-work, it has always been pot-luck if/when I'd see her there.

 

This lead to an opportunity last fortnight at a work night out. I decided to give her a lift there so I could spend some time getting to know her and assumed I'd find out something about her that would make me think she's not my type and I'd stop crushing on her (as is what usually happens with me).

 

Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I started liking her even more and found out she's actually closer to my age. Lots of dances and flirting etc, but I was acutely aware the rest of my colleagues were there and I was the designated sober person to make sure they all got home okay (I'm teetotal, so that role usually falls on me). When dropping her off we chatted for hours...family, work, random teasing. I was just too self-conscious to close on a kiss.

 

Fast forward a couple of days and I found out from a colleague that she has actually mentioned a boyfriend who lives in her country of origin, even though she has been living here for nearly a decade. At first I thought, great...now I can stop thinking about her and in no way am I doing anything to another man's woman. But then I started questioning about why she's not mentioned him in all we talked about, like most girls would. I guess it's most likely another case of a girl appreciating some attention when they're embroiled in some sort of long distance/parentally arranged thing.

 

 

 

I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult this time...I'm usually calm, rational and logical about these sorts of things. When a lack of potentiality surfaces, I'm usually quick to accept and move on. Plenty more fish, play the numbers game, work on myself and someone else available will come along etc, but I just can't get her adorable nature out of my mind. I really can't believe I'm succumbing to my basic human instincts in such a distracting way...I thought I had grown out of these tendencies!

[Dallers]

After my divorce in 2011 (4yr marriage, no children), it took me over a year to get used to it all and readjust my life. Then another year to get into a position where I could even think about dating again. Cue a few dates which led to nowhere (some online, some through mutual friends). Usually I just end up finding out the woman isn't really my type and I just leave things at that. To be honest, I've never really had good game...it's a miracle I managed to fall for someone and have the feelings reciprocated enough to get married! Alas, in my younger years I was usually friend-zoned.

 

Nowadays I'm quite cynical about dating + relationships and feel quite apathetic about starting something off. I usually shrug feelings off thinking 'oh it'll never work out anyway', 'there's no point in getting emotionally invested' or 'she'll eventually find out i'm divorced and run a mile' and don't get embroiled in crushes etc. I just spend any spare time with a few close friends enjoying their company instead of more failed attempts at trying to meet someone. I guess I just keep my defences up high and am too worried about taking a chance and getting hurt again.

 

I realise I sound like the most negative hermit-like humbug ever, but I swear that's not the kind of person I am. I enjoy socialising and letting my extroverted side out, make good conversation with new people I meet, nearly always suited up (dress to impress) and just generally act decently. My girlpals keep telling me how I'm 'the nicest guy they've ever met' and other phrases to that effect which makes me cringe to high heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a doormat and don't do those stereotypical floppy things which kills any attraction. I can't work out why I have this reputation; I stand up for myself and don't let anyone take advantage of me...no matter how much I like them.

 

 

 

Anyway, a few months ago a new girl started at the place I work part-time and during holidays (i'm a late bloomer at uni). Cue the same old story I'm sure you have heard of many times...talk, get along, laugh, tease, flirt, texts etc. I liked her but always thought she was much younger, so I left it as a no-go area and just assumed she has a pleasant demeanour so will talk and banter with anybody. I work there about once a week and being shift-work, it has always been pot-luck if/when I'd see her there.

 

This lead to an opportunity last fortnight at a work night out. I decided to give her a lift there so I could spend some time getting to know her and assumed I'd find out something about her that would make me think she's not my type and I'd stop crushing on her (as is what usually happens with me).

 

Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I started liking her even more and found out she's actually closer to my age. Lots of dances and flirting etc, but I was acutely aware the rest of my colleagues were there and I was the designated sober person to make sure they all got home okay (I'm teetotal, so that role usually falls on me). When dropping her off we chatted for hours...family, work, random teasing. I was just too self-conscious to close on a kiss.

 

Fast forward a couple of days and I found out from a colleague that she has actually mentioned a boyfriend who lives in her country of origin, even though she has been living here for nearly a decade. At first I thought, great...now I can stop thinking about her and in no way am I doing anything to another man's woman. But then I started questioning about why she's not mentioned him in all we talked about, like most girls would. I guess it's most likely another case of a girl appreciating some attention when they're embroiled in some sort of long distance/parentally arranged thing.

 

 

 

I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult this time...I'm usually calm, rational and logical about these sorts of things. When a lack of potentiality surfaces, I'm usually quick to accept and move on. Plenty more fish, play the numbers game, work on myself and someone else available will come along etc, but I just can't get her adorable nature out of my mind. I really can't believe I'm succumbing to my basic human instincts in such a distracting way...I thought I had grown out of these tendencies!

 

God the first part of your post sounds just like me, and I am very happy with my current situation don't knock it

 

You always want what you can't have, and she has a boyfriend so you can't have her and so you want her more because of this and so you pick out every single little thing about her down to the tiniest details that normally would not matter to you and make a big deal out of it. You make yourself believe she is this perfect girl when actually she is no different to any other and it is just because you cannot have her that you want her more and more.

 

Sucks don't it. There is nothing you can do about it either. The ideal answer is to walk away as it will only end in tears, but we both know that never happens.

 

You cannot escape it, you cannot outgrow it.

Edited September 10, 2013 by Dallers

[myocardium]

God the first part of your post sounds just like me, and I am very happy with my current situation don't knock it

 

Relief to know I'm not the only one feeling like that!

 

You always want what you can't have...it is just because you cannot have her that you want her more and more.

 

You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman. That is exactly what I have been doing and miserably failing at trying to snap out of.

 

Sucks don't it.

 

Massively. That's life, I guess.

[Dallers]

Actually the girl before my last was like this i really really thought i liked her and became so very lost in my own head and by the end of it i thought she was an angel in disguise.

 

It wasn't until she got drunk i saw her real side and oh my god it was horrible. I had wasted so much time on a girl i wanted just because she didn't want me back. Was like being set free from captivity.

 

I still say this is one of those times that you can just not care and chase after her though if you like her, can't beat that feeling if she likes you too.

 

Live for the moment right take a risk even if the outcome is probably gonna be and almighty mess! Hahaha

Edited September 11, 2013 by Dallers

[myocardium]

Being lost in my own head is something I despise...darn these feelings of infatuation. Was seeing her in an unfavourable light enough for you to instantly snap out of it?

 

As much as I would love to chase her and reap those feelings of knowing she likes me too, I think I best avoid any situation that can end disastrously. Have dealt with enough heartache to last a lifetime. Just my luck to finally come across someone awesome only for her to be involved in some cross-border relationship.

 

Urgh.