Girlfriend suddenly

[Polepole]

So a background to our story is, we met on a holiday, we kept contact with Skype after the holiday, then a month after she surprised me by showing me she had bought tickets to fly and see me and that's how we became a couple. Now I already have tickets to see her in December.

 

So now to the problem. She had a term break and flew up to see her family/friends in her home town. I got too needy that week by always asking her to message me what she's up to and because she couldn't always do that I made her feel bad, which I now realise how selfish of me that was and I apologised. However she said she understands but she said she is getting really choked up, feels it is so routined with always the same lovey dovey messages and that she needs time to think, think it all through. She said she's confused about what she wants. This is such a hit out of the blue for me since everything we've talked about had been on the same page, our feelings, our plans have always been the same. Now she says she's scared of how it's getting so serious so fast, like our topics and everything. I'm really scared because I don't want to lose her, I've felt so sick these past 2 days just waiting for her to say something. I need some advice on what to do or just some encouragement because I'm literally starting to feel sick about this. Vomiting and sick stomache.

[FitChick]

Let her always contact first and then you can respond, but not always immediately. You need to give her time to miss you (or not). That is how she will discover her true feelings for you.

[Polepole]

How much time so you think it will take? The wait is absolutely killing me since I'm dreading the worst, however this is the first time we've actually had any time of not talking, we've never had any doubts or problems arise and then this suddenly popped out. Everything was going perfectly, I don't know what happened. I just wish she will realise that it's the distance playing with her mind because when were together its like bliss, we spent around 2 months together living with each other when she came to visit me, and it was amazing, no awkwardness, no fights, it was just amazing. And I know if I was able just to see her now, everything would be sorted out so quickly, it's just so hard to show how I really feel and assure her were both thinking the same things through friken tex and Skype

Edited September 11, 2013 by Polepole

[CherryT]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Can I ask, how old you are? and how far your distance is and whether there's any indication that you'd be able to close the distance in a relatively decent amount of time?

 

The reason I ask is that LDR survive in 2 ways - the couple knows there's an end in sight and are working towards it. Or there isn't an end in sight, but the love that two people have is too strong to let distance get in the way. When one or both of the people in a LDR doesn't feel as strong, they may outweigh the struggles in a LDR and want to let it just fizzle out.

[Polepole]

We're 21 (me) and 19. We talked and she just fed me with she hasn't had time for herself, to find herself. She feels I'm the right guy for her but its not the right time. And she said she still needs time to think. I don't know what to do. I'm sacrificing time by working in a job I don't want to make enough money for my trip THAT I HAVE ALREADY BOOKED to go and see her. And she knows all this. I just don't get any of this. This sudden change of behaviour. I've been a mess for the past week, you know I was sick of getting hurt and then I met an amaing girl overseas and we both talked long and hard about how it would be a hard commitment, but we agreed to it. I've done nothing wrong either, I've been so supportive and loyal to her and made sacrifices for us to be happy, and now I just feel worthless.

[CherryT]

We're 21 (me) and 19. We talked and she just fed me with she hasn't had time for herself, to find herself. She feels I'm the right guy for her but its not the right time. And she said she still needs time to think. I don't know what to do. I'm sacrificing time by working in a job I don't want to make enough money for my trip THAT I HAVE ALREADY BOOKED to go and see her. And she knows all this. I just don't get any of this. This sudden change of behaviour. I've been a mess for the past week, you know I was sick of getting hurt and then I met an amaing girl overseas and we both talked long and hard about how it would be a hard commitment, but we agreed to it. I've done nothing wrong either, I've been so supportive and loyal to her and made sacrifices for us to be happy, and now I just feel worthless.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt. She's 19 and girls at that age do change their minds like they change their outfits.

 

Can you get a credit back from the airline? Or try and sell the ticket?

[Polepole]

She hasn't said anything about not coming, but it's looking like its leading to that and even when I type about it I start to feel like absolute ****. I havnt looked into anything about the ticket yet. But it's just so bad, I never thought saying bye when she left after her visit to me would be the last time id see her, I just don't see myself going anywhere positive from here.

[Polepole]

It was only 3 weeks ago her older sister messages me out of the blue saying "don't tell .... I told you but I've never seen her happier in my life, thank you". And now this. Is there any way I can win her back, make her realise why this is worth it? Is there any chance she will snap out of the bull**** woman mindset of having to "find herself" and have time to focus on herself? Like I mean rs a long distance relationship, how on earth do you not have enough time for yourself? I'm just so fed up with being played with, that's why I thought you know meeting someone from somewhere I didn't live, was a sign that you're not limited to the people around you to find someone, but it's all just falling apart and I'm a mess. Does anyone have advice on what I can do from here ?

[Carenth]

I hate to generalise but people around that age (not just girls) tend to be very flippant about what they want be it relationships or what they want in life. So I honestly am not surprised she has changed her mind and it could well be nothing to do with you.

 

Or it could be generally the find yourself line I've found is used when they have an "oh **** this is getting serious" moment and realise they are not ready to settle down. Especially with younger people.

 

That is not excusing her behavior. I would be very hurt if I had already booked a trip and then this happened and I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.

 

I'm not sure what advice I can give other than trying to get a refund on your flight if you can? A long distance relationship needs commitment, patience and communication. Without these it cannot survive she obviously has decided she can't give you that.

[CherryT]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You won't want to believe it now, but give yourself a few months (if this is it). You will feel better and when you start to move on, you will realize you are stronger than what you give yourself credit for.

 

You cannot win someone back. They either want to or they don't. She's 19 years old, it will take more than a few weeks to find herself. She literally just got out of high school not long ago... hopefully she's in school and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. That's a lot to take on + have a long distance relationship. Unfortunately most people aren't cut out for long distance relationships. I am not surprised that a 19 year old isn't emotionally stable enough to want to endure a LDR... she's experiencing a lot of new things. If she's in Canada, she was just allowed to start drinking and going to pubs. If she's in the US, she hasn't even began that stage of her life yet.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. It always sucks when the rug beneath you feels like it was ripped away without warning. But you'll be OK.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

This is probably not what you want to hear right now, but I'd say drop her.

 

A long distance relationship is enough work without all the BS she's throwing at you. Personally, I don't think that you did anything wrong by trying to contact her often. But I also don't believe in the whole "neediness" nonsense.

 

Anyway, I say forget about her. Definitely don't ever get sick over a girl again. Take the plane ticket, go to her city, and party your a** off. Meet some other girls and forget about this one (as hard as that sounds, it really isn't).

[Polepole]

But I mean it's just, we were always on the same page and how can it all chane within a matter of days? Could it just be a phase? If she hasn't said anything definite about ending it? I spoke to her sister just saying look out for her. And she replied saying "I definitely will, hang in there, you take care" I don what to make of that. Hang in there as in just wait it out? It's just so hard to believe, all the plans we already made for my trip, all the future plans.... Right now I just wish I was a heartless prick and then I wouldn't be hurting in this suspense of waiting.

[CherryT]

But I mean it's just, we were always on the same page and how can it all chane within a matter of days? Could it just be a phase? If she hasn't said anything definite about ending it? I spoke to her sister just saying look out for her. And she replied saying "I definitely will, hang in there, you take care" I don what to make of that. Hang in there as in just wait it out? It's just so hard to believe, all the plans we already made for my trip, all the future plans.... Right now I just wish I was a heartless prick and then I wouldn't be hurting in this suspense of waiting.

 

She's 19. She doesn't know... at that moment she was agreeing with you and being on the same page. You can't hold onto her words that tightly. You have to see her through her actions now.

 

You may not want to hear this, but sudden changes like this could mean 1) She really didn't care as much as you thought and when things got serious, she wanted to bolt. 2) There is someone else in the picture.

 

Her sister's response is polite but telling you to take care is a less cold way of telling you to just go. Who says "take care?"... I say that in business emails and it's a cold response. I know.

 

Again, when you stop holding onto her words and really see her for her actions, you will start to heal. Holding onto what was said will only hurt you because chances are, they were half meant. I'm sorry. Things will get better... don't wait. Just move on with your life.

 

BTW, when I was around your age and I broke up with my ex, at first I felt the exact same way as you. I was holding on still and I couldn't seem to understand why he'd say certain things and do another. I realize words hold people over but actions is what you have to pay attention to. I realized that I needed to move on... a few months after I did, he came running back. By that time the dust had settled and the fog was clear. I realized, through his actions, that he wasn't the right one for me. And I ended up forgetting the words. He wanted me back and if it happened right after the break up, I would have considered it. But after a few months and some clear thinking, I said HECK NO.

 

Find someone who's more emotionally mature and is willing to give you the commitment you are willing to give.

[justwhoiam]

Hang in there as in just wait it out?

I guess she meant "hold out".

 

I got too needy that week by always asking her to message me what she's up to and because she couldn't always do that I made her feel bad

Mistake #1. You underestimated how she was feeling about that. You put her in a bad situation: she didn't want to let you down, but she also had to spend time with other people for a limited amount of time and didn't want to look like a mobile addict.

 

she said she is getting really choked up

See above.

 

feels it is so routined with always the same lovey dovey messages

Mistake #2: you left the fun out of your relationship. Lovey dovey messages are not fun on their own... they are in a certain context/frameset. Otherwise they cry: "needy! needy!" and "boring"... In a LDR, you can get this feeling of being disconnected from the other, and if you are unable to detect it... and go on with being mushy, while the other is drifting... that gets bad. If you detect it on time, there's a chance that everything can get back on track. So you need to be quite receptive, able to perceive how the other person feels. And react right away.

 

I need some advice on what to do or just some encouragement because I'm literally starting to feel sick about this. Vomiting and sick stomache.

I guess what people said so far was not really helpful in your case.

First of all, I don't buy the story "she's only 19, she doesn't know what she wants, she changes her mind as much as she changes her clothes..."

In my experience, that has more to do with personality than with age. I know women who were unreliable at 19 as much as they are at 40 something. Some traits are going to stick with the person over time.

I guess you don't really know her well, as you didn't spend much time with her. But one thing for sure: you know her better than any of us. You know her strengths and her flaws... And you have the resources to do something, just you don't know what to do right now.

 

You should fly to her in December, so there's still some time. Don't freak out right away. Similar things happened to many of us. At times, they were just silly things and got solved in a matter of days or weeks. Other times, the bond was not that strong, and it just died out.

 

I, myself, have the flight and all, and went through the "i'm not coming" phase quite a few times, for several reasons. We talked things through and in the end, I can't see myself not meeting him.

 

My advice to you is:

 

1) Do your best to come across as a strong guy in front of her or while interacting with her. Show her you're a man and can be strong even when she's weak.

 

2) Always be receptive about the way she feels, that can save you from a lot of pain and bad situations. Anything addressed early on can be solved faster. And keep the bond intact.

 

3) Never forget fun is always welcome. Serious conversations are OK and at times needed, but that doesn't mean it all starts to get boring, uninteresting or you don't make her smile or laugh. You also have light convos to balance everything.

 

4) Sexual attraction must always be there during a LDR. People lack physical contact and the in-person intimacy... but you need to always let her know how much you want her. You don't have to sound like a perv, just the right amount of sexual attention.

 

Now, that said... you're in a bad situation... is there a chance to go back to where you were few weeks ago? Probably yes. What she did for you was a bit crazy, so she's capable of passion surges. And she was head over heels into you to do that. As you said, that can happen again.

 

Someone hinted there might be someone else in the picture. I'm not ruling that out, but I guess she's more hesitant about being far away and committed to someone than anything else. One of the best ways to stand out would be: make her feel good whenever she talks to you, have goals and reach them showing you can get what you want, be strong, be a man, don't be cold but not right at her feet whenever, but be there ready to listen to her when she feels bad. I know all this is not easy right now, as you're getting depressed not knowing what will be of you two as a couple. Stop texting. Literally. Just call her in a few days and then write her very short emails/meaningful greeting cards. Not every day. Every couple of days. Like if you're in the US and she's in the UK, you could write at night and she would get your card in the morning wishing her a good day. And never ever hint that you can be her friend if she breaks up with you. She needs to deal with the fact of having to lose you.

Edited September 15, 2013 by justwhoiam