Tim_horton Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Not sure if anyone here has gone through this. 3 1/2 years ago, my then-girlfriend got pregnant. It was unplanned but I was really in love with her. Problem was, she was about to leave for medical school - she was applying and she wasn't sure where she would wind up. I thought I was being a "stand up guy" by telling her I would support her no matter what she decided... Long story short, she decided not to have it. I thought I could handle it, but it poisoned everything. and it turns out she wound up going to school in Long Island, basically right next door. We tried to make it work but I couldn't deal with the guilt, became depressed and withdrawn, buried myself in work... We wound up splitting up about a year later. I was devastated. Since then I've been getting by... Professionally things have never been better, but I feel like there's a wound that won't heal. Part of me hates the way things went down and how I reacted, part of me misses the child. I tried talking to to her about it but she seemed pretty comfortable putting things behind her. When I last talked to her, she told me to see a shrink. I've dated a couple of people since then but feel like I can't take anything seriously. I looked into post-abortion counseling but most of the groups I found were oriented towards women, and the few geared towards men were exclusively Christian-based. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just not a Christian. I'm not sure what I'm expecting anyone to say. I've spoken to my IRL friends and for the most part they think I should have gotten over this by now. And guess I should have. The last time I contacted my ex it was by E-mail and I was at a very low period. She forwarded it to her mother, who wrote me back. Her mom included my ex's comments, which were that I had psychological problems and needed to get a grip. Her mom was actually very understanding but it was humiliating, so I'm not going to get any closure there.
almond Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I feel that individual therapy is your best bet in this instance. It's rough, but you can get through this. People telling you that you should have been over it by now isn't helpful. You're not over it, and that's okay! You need to work through this though, and a professional will hopefully be able to guide you to the other side. Good luck.
amaysngrace Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I would stop expressing your feelings to those people. They are obviously insensitive and selfish, especially your ex. She'd have been a bad mom.
AllTooWell Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I am sorry about what you are going through. I agree with the above posting, you can tell from how she has acted that she was in no way ready to have a child - and from how she has treated you, she would not have made a good partner to parent with. I think you should try to focus on that and seek counselling. Do not beat yourself up about this - you are not abnormal or reacting in a 'wrong' way - it's completely understandable. Don't let this woman berate you for being upset about this.
pureinheart Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Not sure if anyone here has gone through this. 3 1/2 years ago, my then-girlfriend got pregnant. It was unplanned but I was really in love with her. Problem was, she was about to leave for medical school - she was applying and she wasn't sure where she would wind up. I thought I was being a "stand up guy" by telling her I would support her no matter what she decided... Long story short, she decided not to have it. I thought I could handle it, but it poisoned everything. and it turns out she wound up going to school in Long Island, basically right next door. We tried to make it work but I couldn't deal with the guilt, became depressed and withdrawn, buried myself in work... We wound up splitting up about a year later. I was devastated. Since then I've been getting by... Professionally things have never been better, but I feel like there's a wound that won't heal. Part of me hates the way things went down and how I reacted, part of me misses the child. I tried talking to to her about it but she seemed pretty comfortable putting things behind her. When I last talked to her, she told me to see a shrink. I've dated a couple of people since then but feel like I can't take anything seriously. I looked into post-abortion counseling but most of the groups I found were oriented towards women, and the few geared towards men were exclusively Christian-based. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just not a Christian. I'm not sure what I'm expecting anyone to say. I've spoken to my IRL friends and for the most part they think I should have gotten over this by now. And guess I should have. The last time I contacted my ex it was by E-mail and I was at a very low period. She forwarded it to her mother, who wrote me back. Her mom included my ex's comments, which were that I had psychological problems and needed to get a grip. Her mom was actually very understanding but it was humiliating, so I'm not going to get any closure there. Hey Tim... I am sooo sorry what you're going through and completely agree with AG. First- there is nothing wrong with you, you're reacting normal to this situation. You lost your baby. My suggestion would be to go through the grieving process. Here's some stuff that might be helpful: Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement Steps and Stages of the Grieving Process Specific to abortion or miscarriage, I would also recommend, if it's possible and when you are ready, to give your baby a name...you may not know the gender, but that makes no difference. Some have services- whatever works for you. Again, I'm sorry for your loss and grieve with you. You could turn this into a positive by getting involved, as there are many men going through this with nowhere to turn. (((((((((hugs))))))))
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