amythan Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Hi, The story is long but I try to cut it down. I met him a year ago and we were really attracted to each other, he pursued me but he had a g/f and we remain friends. He broke up with her four months ago after a 2 yr LTR. During all this time we always flirt to each other and we even discuss being together but he told me that he was not over her and needs time. We stop talking but for some reason we always finish speaking all day long again. The situation gets the best of me because I really like him and he was the one starting this mess and now he wants to be on his own. We met a few times for coffee and it is very clear that we like each other but for some reason he is always avoiding me for dinner, drinks or similar. I invited him to a party and he said he cannot make it and I am sure it is an excuse. After that he sent me an apology saying that "blah blah It is just I've been through a lot and looking for some time on my own to figure it out. And to that end I don't want to say one thing and do another. I like and respect you too much to do that" I got already many emails like like that: "I wish I've met you in another moment of my life. You are generous, smart hot and funny blah blah" At this point I do not know what to think. He is really caring and it is clear he is attracted to me, we laugh all day long and we really feel comfortable around each other. He doesn't like me, right ? I am hopeless and I do not know what to do. I do not like people that often and I liked him from the beginning but not sure if this is a lost case ... Thanks for your opinions ! Edited September 10, 2013 by amythan
Author amythan Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) I have been thinking and I guess that he is trying to say that he doesn't like me that way and he doesn't want nor to do anything which could lead me on or take advantage of the situation because he likes me as a friend. He is too kind to be that blunt and I didn't want to understand. I appreciate he really cares about me (and probably feels guilty too) but now I need to move on so better to do not reply or go into an endless conversation which will only embarrass me more (if that is possible). This thing about wanting to figure it out is an excuse, if he was that excited about me it wouldn't be a problem. I have been a fool and I regret all this deeply, but I really thought he was into me Edited September 10, 2013 by amythan
PogoStick Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 He is telling you its not right so you should listen. Move on with your life. 1
Author amythan Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I guess he is telling me he is not interested so I have to move on .. but what do you mean by "it is not right ?" 1
kazuma Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 To be kind is to blunt...at least in my eyes
bob the brave Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 He is obviously interested, but he is either playing you or he truly is a good guy. Here is where you need clarity. Tell him you like him, but you need to know where you stand because you are getting conflicting messages and you need to know what to do. Ask him if he sees a futre for you both in any sense beyond friends. If he says no, problem solved. If he says yes, don't press for more explanation. Ask him how long you would have to wait for him to end his current relationship. The rest should follow naturally. Never, never, never get into a relationship with someone already in one irreguardless of the inensity, passion and frequency of promises. Someone will always get hurt. And this shows a selfishness and lack of integrity in both parties that will again get someone hurt.
Author amythan Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) He is not in a relationship, they already broke up. I am sure he is a good guy but I do not know if he is not interested or if he truly needs time to get over his past relationship (which finished four months ago). I do get that people need to spend time alone before getting involved again but I do not know if this is the case here .. In his email he said that he cares about the effort I put in being friends and he finds it amazing and takes it seriously. So at least I understand we wants me around but I do not want to be a fool and stay around until he finds someone else. But to be honest I do not mind to wait if I need to, there is no rush .. In the past he told me that we need to find a time where it is right for both of us but I am struggle to see if he still feels that way and I do not feel like asking him again, I do not want to come across as the desperate girl Edited September 11, 2013 by amythan
travelbug1996 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 You like him way more than he likes you=recipe for disaster. Move on please. 1
Author amythan Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Mme Chaucer: I accept what he is telling me because I have no choice. I do not plan to convince anyone to be with me. But I do not agree in the "not being in a place to pursue a relationship". If he truly liked me this would not be the case. I was busy working to get a PhD, I move to five different countries, I saw my parents getting sick, I broke up with my very long term bf .. and nothing of this stopped me to be with someone if I was really into them. I know it doesn't matter but I just feel unlucky because I do like him and I thought he felt the same. 1
holly25 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong times. Maybe that's what happened here. It seems as though he told you that, but are you not buying it?
Author amythan Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Holly25: He looks like a good guy and he clearly doesn't want to take advantage of the situation which speaks highly about him ... But I am not sure I believe the "sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time". On the other hand he told me many times that he really likes me but he needs time. I am just not sure if this is true and if I wait he will finish dating someone else he likes more. Everything is complicated and it shouldn't be like that ...
holly25 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Holly25: He looks like a good guy and he clearly doesn't want to take advantage of the situation which speaks highly about him ... But I am not sure I believe the "sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time". On the other hand he told me many times that he really likes me but he needs time. I am just not sure if this is true and if I wait he will finish dating someone else he likes more. Everything is complicated and it shouldn't be like that ... You are being unreasonable. I don't know the whole story. It's one of two things. 1) He is just telling you all of this to let you down easy and break your heart less 2) Here's a crazy idea...he's being genuine. Life is complicated. Sometimes things come up and people can't handle a relationship at the same time. Sometimes you have to focus on yourself before you can focus on another...no matter how awesome they are. That's the real deal. If that's the case here, you just have to accept it. You didn't get rejected. Life just stepped in and it's not going to work right NOW. The future isn't over yet, it might work in the future.
Author amythan Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Thank you. I think you are probably right. I accept it and I never told him the opposite. It is just that I stopped seeing people who were not good for me, I tried to make better choices and I was just happy with my life and then I met him and for a number of reasons, I thought he was different and we could make it. It took me by surprise and it sucks that things turned so wrong.
Author amythan Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) Thank you for your responses. I think I understand better the situation now. I am very sad and embarrassed because I should have known better and walk away long time ago. My feelings and my wishful thinking got the best of me and as a result I made a fool of myself. He probably feels guilty because he was the one texting me "I really like you", "You are the whole package", "You are the nicest person I know, plus cool, hot and funny" .. but at the end of the day it doesn't equal to "I have feelings for you and I cannot stop thinking about you". Probably he is not in the right place and as a consequence he is not open to have these feelings but it doesn't matter. If he was feeling that strongly about me he will me more than happy spending time together. I know people do what they think is best and have different communication styles. He was honest but I read too much between lines and I understood that if I wait long enough we could make it. And I also think he sensed that and pushed him away (even more and also as a friend). I would rather prefer a more direct approach, but again not everyone agrees on this. I was on the other side not so long ago and I emailed something like "I really like you as a friend but that's it and I think you want more. I apologise if I misunderstood that but before making plans I need to know we are on the same page because I do not want to string you along. I understand if you want to distance yourself for a while but please do not stick around in the hope I will change my mind because this will not happen". He told me latter that it was the best thing I could do and we are still very good friends (and also with his new g/f). I wished he could have done the same with me ... Edited September 12, 2013 by amythan
Author amythan Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 I decided to stop talking to him and move on with my life and guess what ? I already got the drunken text at 3am wishing I was having a good w/e .. Of course it was not a booty call text, he was 500 miles away. I know that he is not really interested and I am determined to let this go but he is not making things very easy for me ..
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