Do you have to "break up"?

[Lillyfree]

ugh, OP, he's done you a favour by acting the way he does, and allowing you to see what the A really is to him. as much as it hurts and angers you - consider it a gift. i am glad you have enough self-esteem and pride not to accept that treatment anymore.

 

do you owe him a 'break-up'? no. i did it though, and it was for me more than him, slamming shut that door and not leaving room for the A to start back up again.

[happy stillmore]

Let him live with his pigs in the barn! You are seeing the reality of your A. You are worth a man lovingly picking wild flowers for you. Those kind of flowers are worth more than the $50 dozen delivered roses. This man is a user.

[solostand]

So today I had a stupid stupid nervous breakdown and called him. . .

 

I knew he was leaving today for his weekend, and for some reason I had to yell at him and tell him why I was so mad before he left. . .

 

I cried and ranted and raved on the phone for about an hour. I even called his house (I didn't give a flying **** if my number showed up).

 

His response: He was completely taken aback. He knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I laid it out for him (everything I wrote here.) He said "I am SO SORRY I HURT YOU. I had no idea you felt this way. We have done it outside before and you got a rush out of it (this is true)

 

He argued that we did kiss. He said the flowers were weeds that grew a dime a dozen everywhere, but if he knew they meant something to me he wouldn't have tossed them!

 

You deserve better than me. I love you (childhood nickname). I promise I will make it up to you next week.

 

there were tears from him. Also, the weekend away is a board of directors meeting where he is a member of the board of directors.

 

He said "I can't leave her and marry you."

 

I said "WHY NOT?"

 

He said "She won't let me".

 

I laughed with derision and said "Are you tied to her by a ****ing ball and chain?"

 

He said "She controls the money". . .

 

I said "how do you KNOW she won't let you?" (this is ridiculous, she won't let me, lol)

 

He said: "Because she has told me in the past that if I ever tried to leave her she would leave me with nothing but my shoelaces."

 

Then he said this board of directors meeting might change all that, though, and begged to see me on Monday when he returns.

 

Oh yes, he also said "I didn't realize you were that in love with me"

 

I said "Are you DEAF? We have been saying ILY since JANUARY. Did you think I was lying?"

 

He said "I love you (sweet nickname).

 

I said "Love is ACTION not words"

 

He said "let me prove it to you next week"

 

arrgh. . .I just couldn't stand the pain. . .the pain is so so bad.

[Cali408]

I know this is what I need to do. I have already written the speech in my head - and believe me, I'm not blaming him. I'm blaming myself but also him for knowing how vulnerable I was but choosing to get his needs (emotional and physical) despite the cost to my psyche.

 

My current plan is to cool down a bit. Tomorrow I plan to keep my phone turned off. I intend to sleep most of the day and cry when I need to. Then Thursday he's going to another province with his wife to meet his adult son, so that four more days. . .when he gets back hopefully I can be unemotional. . .

 

It is hard but I DESERVE IT. Why invite a nuclear bomb into your life when you don't have to? There does not have to be a d-day. I made my own d-day.

 

Stay the course. He's not leaving. Guys never leave. Myself included.

[crederer]

No, you do not need to give an explanation and seriously, I commend you on coming to this conclusion.

 

You're stronger than you think. Keep it up!

[2sure]

You really had me going there for a minute.

 

You're not pissed at him yet. You're pissed because he's going away with his wife.

 

You're pissed off at yourself. And you and all of us can try to redirect that as much as we like ...but you're also too smart for that .

 

What EXACTLY do you want him for? Is there anything you NEED him for?

Might as well put it all right out here. It's anonymous. You can take it , I can tell.

[solostand]

You really had me going there for a minute.

 

You're not pissed at him yet. You're pissed because he's going away with his wife.

 

You're pissed off at yourself. And you and all of us can try to redirect that as much as we like ...but you're also too smart for that .

 

What EXACTLY do you want him for? Is there anything you NEED him for?

Might as well put it all right out here. It's anonymous. You can take it , I can tell.

 

He has become my best friend. Or he had become my best friend. He is someone to tell all my secrets to. And believe me, I do.

 

I'm not sure EXACTLY what I want him for. I love his company and I love him I feel we are so much alike.

 

I'm not really pissed that he went away with his wife. I don't feel threatened by her at all. I can tell by the way he talks about her that the love is gone. Its sad, but he sees her as a millstone around his neck. As someone who was unhappily married once, I know exactly how that feels.

 

I just want him to leave her and be with me, lol.

 

Otherwise, I need to get strong. . .do the right thing. . .

 

When I ranted and raved at him yesterday, he said he would have no problem stopping the sexual part of our relationship if it was hurting me, but we can still be best friends. He loves me as a person.

 

Why do they always want to be best friends? I said no, if we end it we end it.

[Cali408]

End it. There are 8 billion people in the world. You'll find another best friend. Whether it's emotional or physical, it's an extramarital affair. And trust me, he may say that you guys won't have sex, but he knows you will. To answer your last question. He knows you're crazy about him and won't say no. So, he'll say anything right now to appease you until calm down.

 

Do the right thing. The closer your desires are to doing the right thing, the happier you will be. I know not today. But NC for 2 weeks with a concerted effort to not obsess over him, will go a long way toward being out of the hurt locker and being a happier person.

 

You ended it and went out on top. That's good for your self esteem. You won't have guilt or remorse anymore. You'll feel better about yourself as a person once you let it go.

 

Erase him off your map.

Edited September 13, 2013 by Cali408

[Red Wolverine]

He has become my best friend. Or he had become my best friend. He is someone to tell all my secrets to. And believe me, I do.

 

I'm not sure EXACTLY what I want him for. I love his company and I love him I feel we are so much alike.

 

I'm not really pissed that he went away with his wife. I don't feel threatened by her at all. I can tell by the way he talks about her that the love is gone. Its sad, but he sees her as a millstone around his neck. As someone who was unhappily married once, I know exactly how that feels.

 

I just want him to leave her and be with me, lol.

 

Otherwise, I need to get strong. . .do the right thing. . .

 

When I ranted and raved at him yesterday, he said he would have no problem stopping the sexual part of our relationship if it was hurting me, but we can still be best friends. He loves me as a person.

 

Why do they always want to be best friends? I said no, if we end it we end it.

 

Note what he said and what he didn't say. I know it seems complicated.... The sexual component, the friendship, etc.

 

It's very simple. He didn't tell you what you need. He didn't tell you he couldn't be without you. He didn't tell you your needs were primary for him.

 

He didn't tell you he'd get a divorce.

 

Let him go. Not with ultimatums, not with conditions. Just let him go.

 

You can choose you.