solostand Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OKAY so today I had an incredible moment of clarity when I was out with my MM. I used to think it was all star-crossed lovers and bad timing and soul mates. Suddenly, I realized this is just another tawdry affair! Nothing different about it! My low self esteem allowed a predator to get into my pants! A few things happened during our three hour "date" this morning to make me come to this realization. Anyway, when I left I was incredibly angry - not at anything specific - but at the stupidity of ME for screwing this old man any time he asked! MM sensed, of course, that his little lamb was unhappy, so phoned twice this afternoon. I didn't answer because I was afraid of what I would say to him. I can honestly say it was the first time in our 10 month affair that I DID NOT CARE AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE. My question is: do I owe him an explanation? A 'break up" conversation. Like, its not you, its me? Or can I just stop taking his calls?
Calcmag Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Hmmm. I tend to think that A's have different rules than regular R's do. So I'd say given the circumstances, no you owe him nothing, not even a goodbye. However, just disappearing doesn't really end it, does it? A break up conversation does make the closure more formal.
bentleychic Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I don't think I could just walk away, even if it was brought on by anger. LOL And shouldn't that be "It's not me, it's you."? You CAN stop taking his calls if you want to, but I honestly would be devastated if someone "broke up" with me by just disappearing and I try to put myself in the other persons shoes. Plus we agreed from day 1 that we would never break up that way.
maidai Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I think if you dont have the conversation and you REALLY mean it he will persue you more trying to get an answer. Have the conversation keep it short and sweet and to the point. Tell him you can not do it anymore, you do not want it anymore then ask him to not contact you. At that point *then* you can ignore all his attempts at contact and hopefully he will give up quicker. I really hope you make it out xx Good luck 1
Author solostand Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Well I am pretty angry right now. I feel used, like a whore, a prostitute. He says of course all the time that I am not those things, but let's face it, I'm spreading my legs for him in the morning and he's going home to his wife in the afternoon. If it looks like a duck et cetera. So right now I am really ANGRY at him and its the first time that I have felt anger towards him - I always had him in an affair pedestal. I am angry because he MUST KNOW HE IS HURTING ME YET HE CONTINUES TO DO IT SO HE DOES NOT LOVE ME!! Anyway, if I was to speak to him now I would be very nasty. 3
bentleychic Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 That might not be a bad thing. I bet you'd get your point across. The anger may do exactly the job that you need/want it to do.
Calcmag Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 As you're still angry it's definitely not a good time to talk to him either way, because if he's like most MM he won't take you seriously while you're in an emotive state. So for now do nothing. The problem with a break up conversation is that MM then gets the opportunity to talk you round. 1
Owl Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You need to tell him it's over...otherwise he'll keep bugging you and bugging you and bugging you to come back, etc... Spell it out clearly, unmistakeably, and without any option for it to resume. Don't debate it, discuss it, or minimize it. Make it clear you've made a choice, tell him that, and end it. Then...take active measures to prevent yourself from contacting him in a moment of regret, and to prevent him from contacting you in the future trying to resume things...because he WILL. 2
Author solostand Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 You need to tell him it's over...otherwise he'll keep bugging you and bugging you and bugging you to come back, etc... Spell it out clearly, unmistakeably, and without any option for it to resume. Don't debate it, discuss it, or minimize it. Make it clear you've made a choice, tell him that, and end it. Then...take active measures to prevent yourself from contacting him in a moment of regret, and to prevent him from contacting you in the future trying to resume things...because he WILL. I know this is what I need to do. I have already written the speech in my head - and believe me, I'm not blaming him. I'm blaming myself but also him for knowing how vulnerable I was but choosing to get his needs (emotional and physical) despite the cost to my psyche. My current plan is to cool down a bit. Tomorrow I plan to keep my phone turned off. I intend to sleep most of the day and cry when I need to. Then Thursday he's going to another province with his wife to meet his adult son, so that four more days. . .when he gets back hopefully I can be unemotional. . . It is hard but I DESERVE IT. Why invite a nuclear bomb into your life when you don't have to? There does not have to be a d-day. I made my own d-day. 5
bentleychic Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Good luck, solostand and best wishes to you!
Goodbye Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 May I ask what was different today? I say just go NC and let him struggle. He may become a nuisance, but if you can ignore it, that would be the best way.
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OKAY so today I had an incredible moment of clarity when I was out with my MM. I used to think it was all star-crossed lovers and bad timing and soul mates. Suddenly, I realized this is just another tawdry affair! Nothing different about it! My low self esteem allowed a predator to get into my pants! A few things happened during our three hour "date" this morning to make me come to this realization. Anyway, when I left I was incredibly angry - not at anything specific - but at the stupidity of ME for screwing this old man any time he asked! MM sensed, of course, that his little lamb was unhappy, so phoned twice this afternoon. I didn't answer because I was afraid of what I would say to him. I can honestly say it was the first time in our 10 month affair that I DID NOT CARE AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE. My question is: do I owe him an explanation? A 'break up" conversation. Like, its not you, its me? Or can I just stop taking his calls? Why not just be honest? Tell him exactly what you've said in the above and that you love yourself more and realized that you do not want to be having an affair with him anymore. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I'll also add (if you truly are serious about walking away and your mind is made up - that tomorrow or the next day you're not gonna have regrets and wish you hadn't ended it with him) make sure HE understands that you are DONE. That you will not be returning any calls, texts or emails. That goodbye really IS goodbye and do not contact me ever again. you need to follow through on it and not just say the words. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OKAY so today I had an incredible moment of clarity when I was out with my MM. I used to think it was all star-crossed lovers and bad timing and soul mates. Suddenly, I realized this is just another tawdry affair! Nothing different about it! My low self esteem allowed a predator to get into my pants! A few things happened during our three hour "date" this morning to make me come to this realization. Anyway, when I left I was incredibly angry - not at anything specific - but at the stupidity of ME for screwing this old man any time he asked! MM sensed, of course, that his little lamb was unhappy, so phoned twice this afternoon. I didn't answer because I was afraid of what I would say to him. I can honestly say it was the first time in our 10 month affair that I DID NOT CARE AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE. My question is: do I owe him an explanation? A 'break up" conversation. Like, its not you, its me? Or can I just stop taking his calls? But you did take his money, no??? Depending on who;s asking, maybe you got the better end of the deal. *shrug*. Maybe someone could look at this as you being the predator. Just think about it for a minute. Just thank him for his generosity and move along...Simple as that..You say you dont love him, so whats the big deal? Just chalk it up to a lesson learned, or continue doing what you are doing.. Youre in or youre out... TFY
psm04 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 A few things happened during our three hour "date" this morning to make me come to this realization. May I ask what happened to make you come to this realization? I had a few moments like that myself the entire time I was in it.
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Another thing, you have to tell him so YOU follow through on it and make it happen. If you just end it in your head and say it's over without telling him, you could very well change your mind next week, next month and get in touch with him, make up some story and then resume the A. Make yourself accountable and promise yourself it IS really over! 2
MissBee Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OKAY so today I had an incredible moment of clarity when I was out with my MM. I used to think it was all star-crossed lovers and bad timing and soul mates. Suddenly, I realized this is just another tawdry affair! Nothing different about it! My low self esteem allowed a predator to get into my pants! A few things happened during our three hour "date" this morning to make me come to this realization. Anyway, when I left I was incredibly angry - not at anything specific - but at the stupidity of ME for screwing this old man any time he asked! MM sensed, of course, that his little lamb was unhappy, so phoned twice this afternoon. I didn't answer because I was afraid of what I would say to him. I can honestly say it was the first time in our 10 month affair that I DID NOT CARE AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE. My question is: do I owe him an explanation? A 'break up" conversation. Like, its not you, its me? Or can I just stop taking his calls? Either way works IMO given the situation. However, for clarity's sake I'd just be frank and tell him you dislike the situation, you want more for yourself and so you're ending things and need to stop taking his calls. That way your conscience is clear and he is clear about why you're no longer responding to him. 4
AutumnMoon Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OKAY so today I had an incredible moment of clarity when I was out with my MM. I used to think it was all star-crossed lovers and bad timing and soul mates. Suddenly, I realized this is just another tawdry affair! Nothing different about it! My low self esteem allowed a predator to get into my pants! A few things happened during our three hour "date" this morning to make me come to this realization. Anyway, when I left I was incredibly angry - not at anything specific - but at the stupidity of ME for screwing this old man any time he asked! MM sensed, of course, that his little lamb was unhappy, so phoned twice this afternoon. I didn't answer because I was afraid of what I would say to him. I can honestly say it was the first time in our 10 month affair that I DID NOT CARE AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO HIS MESSAGE. My question is: do I owe him an explanation? A 'break up" conversation. Like, its not you, its me? Or can I just stop taking his calls? Just my opinion, but if your feelings were ever real for him, at least tell him it's over. You don't owe him anything more than that but I think just disappearing no matter who does it is cruel and unnecessary.. Unless of course the relationship was abusive. 1
bentleychic Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Just my opinion, but if your feelings were ever real for him, at least tell him it's over. You don't owe him anything more than that but I think just disappearing no matter who does it is cruel and unnecessary.. Unless of course the relationship was abusive. I'll agree with this. Again, I'd be devastated if MM did this to me. I think anyone in a relationship would be crushed if their bf/gf/significant other just disappeared without another word. I'm a worrier so I'd be afraid something had happened to him or one of his family causing him unable to contact me. As much as you may be upset with him now, at one time, he was what you (thought) you wanted. I just couldn't do it cold turkey.
Author solostand Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 May I ask what happened to make you come to this realization? I had a few moments like that myself the entire time I was in it. Yep, and I don't know where it came from because usually I am stuck in a very comfortable denial, but today something snapped inside me. 1. So he's going away for the weekend with his wife (blech). They are staying at a five star resort (blech). I of course would be home alone, waiting for his return. Counting down the days, minutes and hours. . . 2. I used to think our relationship was so "special" because he said it was "special". Because he was going away, he decided to be a sweetie and spend some "quality time" (his words) with me. Three hours seemed to be the amount he was able to chisel out 3. For this "three hour quality time" he took me to a deserted beach in his truck. We got out. I picked a bouquet of wild flowers. On the way out of the beach, he THREW THEM AWAY saying those flowers are a dime a dozen. . . 4. He talked about his wife and how he is BUILDING A BRAND NEW BARN on his property which of course means he's cake eating. . . 5. He screwed me in his truck in a field on the way home. We could have done this in my bed but he wanted to do it in the truck in a field - and I went along with it - even though it made me feel cheap as hell. . . 6. When he dropped me off at my apartment he immediately said "I Gotta go" so I just said fine and got the hell out of that truck fast as I could. 7. He tells me he loves me all the time, yet he cannot even PHONE ME AT NIGHT because he is with his wife. Last night he went to a wake and lucky me - I got a special phone call. 8. We had sex today but he did not kiss me!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9. I feel disgust at what I have become. I am 15 years younger than him, and beautiful, yet this man acts like three hours out of his day is a major treat for me. He should be happy I carve out even TEN MINUTES A WEEK for him 10. I keep thinking of his wife in the dark, and imagining she was my mother, and my father was having an affair, how devestated she would be. . . 11. I realized I am wasting my time. . .plus, he's not my great saviour, he's my great predator. 4. 5
Author solostand Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Oh yes, I also realized there are only two possible outcomes to this relationship: His wife finds out, all hell breaks loose, everybody gets hurt, things get said, frying pans get thrown, et cetera or: It just keeps going on till he dies of old age or he can't get his 64 year old dick up anymore. And I am wasting all that time, when I could find an age-appropriate man who is also available.
legalgirl Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Sorry Solo, had to laugh at your last post, but if we don't find some humor in our situations then we go crazy right?? Stick with your plan. Do it ASAP before you change your mind. I promise it will be the most freeing experience of your life!
GreySkyMorning Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You're exactly where I was for the last six months of my A. I hope you don't do what I did. I managed to hang in there for the nuclear fallout and even got to hear him say he didn't love me after all that time. Please don't go through that. Please stand up for yourself and get out now. This broke me.
imfine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 You owe him nothing!! He's not going to be crushed if you drop off the face of the earth, you love yourself more, blah, blah, blah. He's a cake eating doosh that's strokes his ego while tossing you his wife's sloppy seconds. If you have to tell him something for closure then walk up, punch him in the face & say "I'm done with your geriatric azz" and walk away. His little ego bubble will burst & you'll be free.
Red Wolverine Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Yep, and I don't know where it came from because usually I am stuck in a very comfortable denial, but today something snapped inside me. 1. So he's going away for the weekend with his wife (blech). They are staying at a five star resort (blech). I of course would be home alone, waiting for his return. Counting down the days, minutes and hours. . . 2. I used to think our relationship was so "special" because he said it was "special". Because he was going away, he decided to be a sweetie and spend some "quality time" (his words) with me. Three hours seemed to be the amount he was able to chisel out 3. For this "three hour quality time" he took me to a deserted beach in his truck. We got out. I picked a bouquet of wild flowers. On the way out of the beach, he THREW THEM AWAY saying those flowers are a dime a dozen. . . 4. He talked about his wife and how he is BUILDING A BRAND NEW BARN on his property which of course means he's cake eating. . . 5. He screwed me in his truck in a field on the way home. We could have done this in my bed but he wanted to do it in the truck in a field - and I went along with it - even though it made me feel cheap as hell. . . 6. When he dropped me off at my apartment he immediately said "I Gotta go" so I just said fine and got the hell out of that truck fast as I could. 7. He tells me he loves me all the time, yet he cannot even PHONE ME AT NIGHT because he is with his wife. Last night he went to a wake and lucky me - I got a special phone call. 8. We had sex today but he did not kiss me!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9. I feel disgust at what I have become. I am 15 years younger than him, and beautiful, yet this man acts like three hours out of his day is a major treat for me. He should be happy I carve out even TEN MINUTES A WEEK for him 10. I keep thinking of his wife in the dark, and imagining she was my mother, and my father was having an affair, how devestated she would be. . . 11. I realized I am wasting my time. . .plus, he's not my great saviour, he's my great predator. 4. Yeah, this one is not a prize by any stretch of the imagination. 5 star hotel for his wife yet you rate a pickup truck with no kissing. I applaud you for realizing this is killing your self-respect. You wouldn't pick such a man if he was single so there is no reason to keep a married one around. Put him out to pasture with his new barn. 1
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