Discussing where you want to settle down.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Just curious about how many couples bring up where they hope to settle once established?

 

It has always been important to me to talk about all things, from marriage, kids, parenting, and overall long term partner things.

 

I myself happen to be a city girl at heart, then again, I have never actually gotten to LIVE in a city yet! I lived outside of san fran when I was younger, but still not the same.

 

The mister is more of a "I hate people yet love the artsy stuff in cities" and really wants a decent amount of room to become as self sustaining as possible. [growing own food] Yet he also wants to live somewhere that has great public transportation, fresh local markets, and a place where being eco friendly is encouraged.

We discuss all the time where we want to go, neither one of us are that attached to our families, and the idea of moving away is exciting for us.

 

Has anyone encountered some clashing of views?

I know with my ex he REFUSED to live anywhere near a city and wanted to live out in the middle of nowhere. It was stressful because there was NO compromising with him on it.

[CarrieT]

You are a Cali girl so this should be a no-brainer! You have lived outside of San Francisco so you know it is possible here.

 

Via CalTrain, you can live all over the peninsula is relative obscurity (amongst the trees, horse and hiking trails, farmers markets, etc. in Pacific, Montara, or the Marin headlands and yet be less than 30 minutes from all that San Francisco has to offer.

 

It would be an easy compromise and way cheaper than living in San Francisco proper (where one bedroom rents have skyrocketed to $3k+ a month!)

[miss_jaclynrae]

You are a Cali girl so this should be a no-brainer! You have lived outside of San Francisco so you know it is possible here.

 

Via CalTrain, you can live all over the peninsula is relative obscurity (amongst the trees, horse and hiking trails, farmers markets, etc. in Pacific, Montara, or the Marin headlands and yet be less than 30 minutes from all that San Francisco has to offer.

 

It would be an easy compromise and way cheaper than living in San Francisco proper (where one bedroom rents have skyrocketed to $3k+ a month!)

 

 

 

We have NO problems compromising! The reason I asked was because today the mister was talking about how he wants to live 20 minutes outside of a major city like san diego, san fran, or seattle.

 

For my benefit more than anything, since he knows how much that means to me.

 

 

Just with my ex, it was something that I didn't think about much BEFORE getting married, and it just added to the many other things we felt different about.

[CherryT]

I don't follow a lot of your posts, but it sounds like your relationship is pretty new and you just started the LDR.

 

It's great that you both are talking about it but keep it like that. There's a few hurdles you both need to pass before needing confirmation on WHERE you live and these things are never set in stone, especially when your life goals change.

 

My SO and I are in a LDR and we established early on that if neither of us were willing to move, we should just stop seeing each other. Because what's the point? We are similar to you both that we both were open to moving. That in itself is good enough at your stage in your relationship, just in the sense there is a few things you have to get through first because planning where to move and by that time, things could change. We dated and went back and forth every 2-4 weeks (usually twice a month) for over a year and a half before we decided to get engaged. Even at this point, we still don't know where our "forever" home is. When we made this decision, together, we looked at all our options and what we felt were our priorities today. What was best for us as a couple and our future - the location just fell into that. Obviously, we knew that we wanted to stay on the West Coast, but that was our only boundaries.

 

At our age, we want to settle down for a handful of years to be able to create some real assets together. We both own property separately, but we want to buy a nice house and also wanted to put a lot of money away in the bank. We know we want to have kids in the next 3-5 years, so we have the biggest opportunity now to settle somewhere where cost of living is a little lower so we can afford to save a lot and also do the things we want, like travel and explore hobbies of ours. We're both in careers that are very stable and can move state to state. I'd say, keep the lines of communication open but know that when the time comes, things may change and Seattle may not look as great as San Fran or vice versa.

[iris219]

It's funny because we don't really care where we live anymore, as long as we're together.

 

I used to only want to live in the artsy downtown area of my city. I swore I would NEVER compromise on that location, but I'm about to. My bf, on the other hand, only wanted to live at the beach. Now, as long as we aren't stuck in a cookie cutter, suburban neighborhood, neither of us care. We just want to be together and we could even make a crappy location work.

[Woggle]

There is such a thing as urban farming and you two can look into it. This way you get the best of both worlds.

 

I don't care much where I live but living by the ocean has spoiled me and I sort of require it now.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This is one of the biggest issues in my relationship.

 

My bf's large family, job, and professional license tie him to our region. He has stated he will never move.

 

I get depressed thinking I will likely spend the rest of my life here. i grew up in Cali and have always wanted to go back, even though at this point it's been 10 years since I left, and I own property and have other ties to this region.

 

I hate that I have I choose between the man and the place that I love.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't follow a lot of your posts, but it sounds like your relationship is pretty new and you just started the LDR.

 

It's great that you both are talking about it but keep it like that. There's a few hurdles you both need to pass before needing confirmation on WHERE you live and these things are never set in stone, especially when your life goals change.

 

My SO and I are in a LDR and we established early on that if neither of us were willing to move, we should just stop seeing each other. Because what's the point? We are similar to you both that we both were open to moving. That in itself is good enough at your stage in your relationship, just in the sense there is a few things you have to get through first because planning where to move and by that time, things could change. We dated and went back and forth every 2-4 weeks (usually twice a month) for over a year and a half before we decided to get engaged. Even at this point, we still don't know where our "forever" home is. When we made this decision, together, we looked at all our options and what we felt were our priorities today. What was best for us as a couple and our future - the location just fell into that. Obviously, we knew that we wanted to stay on the West Coast, but that was our only boundaries.

 

At our age, we want to settle down for a handful of years to be able to create some real assets together. We both own property separately, but we want to buy a nice house and also wanted to put a lot of money away in the bank. We know we want to have kids in the next 3-5 years, so we have the biggest opportunity now to settle somewhere where cost of living is a little lower so we can afford to save a lot and also do the things we want, like travel and explore hobbies of ours. We're both in careers that are very stable and can move state to state. I'd say, keep the lines of communication open but know that when the time comes, things may change and Seattle may not look as great as San Fran or vice versa.

 

 

 

Thanks, but this isn't an advice thread.

That is GREAT for you guys, but we have been together for almost a year now and the LDR isn't forever. It is a temporary LDR.

 

My point wasn't OUR decisions, it is whether such a thing has affected other peoples relationships like it did with my exH.

[miss_jaclynrae]

It's funny because we don't really care where we live anymore, as long as we're together.

 

I used to only want to live in the artsy downtown area of my city. I swore I would NEVER compromise on that location, but I'm about to. My bf, on the other hand, only wanted to live at the beach. Now, as long as we aren't stuck in a cookie cutter, suburban neighborhood, neither of us care. We just want to be together and we could even make a crappy location work.

 

I care to an EXTENT. It is in no way something I would end a relationship over if it was the right one, but I know a part of me would feel saddened by the idea of settling somewhere I would NEVER want to settle at.

 

There is such a thing as urban farming and you two can look into it. This way you get the best of both worlds.

 

I don't care much where I live but living by the ocean has spoiled me and I sort of require it now.

 

We have looked into it, there is the mass amount of poeple though that he can't stand. We already agreed on spending a year or so renting in the city at some point in college, just so I can get a good fix.

Urban farming if we could find the space and/or community garden would definitely be taken advantage of!

 

As for the ocean part, totally agree! After moving back inland more, I miss the ocean like crazy!

 

This is one of the biggest issues in my relationship.

 

My bf's large family, job, and professional license tie him to our region. He has stated he will never move.

 

I get depressed thinking I will likely spend the rest of my life here. i grew up in Cali and have always wanted to go back, even though at this point it's been 10 years since I left, and I own property and have other ties to this region.

 

I hate that I have I choose between the man and the place that I love.

 

 

THIS. This situation sucks right? I have dated some guys before who said they wanted to live in some town up in the mountains and I almost dumped them right there. My exH though wanted too as well, it was always something that make me super down when thought about.

 

That is sort of the cool thing about NOT having tie downs and being settled, is the idea that you can literally end up ANYWHERE you want.

 

I hope you come to terms though and things work out!

[CherryT]

Thanks, but this isn't an advice thread.

That is GREAT for you guys, but we have been together for almost a year now and the LDR isn't forever. It is a temporary LDR.

 

My point wasn't OUR decisions, it is whether such a thing has affected other peoples relationships like it did with my exH.

 

 

That's great. I didn't say your LDR is forever. Just reading some of your past post it sounds like your LDR just started and there is school involved. So you'll be a part for some time. I'm just saying that it's great you both have made 'your' decision, but it can change and effect relationships. You've asked whether or not we've seen it affect relationships and I'm just saying it has. I've seen a lot of relationships (local and LD) get caught up in decisions that were made or just talked about too early and then are disappointed when things change when the time comes. Not necessarily giving advice, but speaking from experience and shared stories that I've seen here and with my personal friends.

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, my experience and our relationship wasn't affected by one or both of us having to move. But that's because it's him. I was in a relationship in the past where one of my ex's wanted to move. Funny enough, he has moved to the same city as my fiance. I said no to my ex but that's because it was him.

[miss_jaclynrae]

That's great. I didn't say your LDR is forever. Just reading some of your past post it sounds like your LDR just started and there is school involved. So you'll be a part for some time. I'm just saying that it's great you both have made 'your' decision, but it can change and effect relationships. You've asked whether or not we've seen it affect relationships and I'm just saying it has. I've seen a lot of relationships (local and LD) get caught up in decisions that were made or just talked about too early and then are disappointed when things change when the time comes. Not necessarily giving advice, but speaking from experience and shared stories that I've seen here and with my personal friends.

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, my experience and our relationship wasn't affected by one or both of us having to move. But that's because it's him. I was in a relationship in the past where one of my ex's wanted to move. Funny enough, he has moved to the same city as my fiance. I said no to my ex but that's because it was him.

 

I still don't understand how being apart for some time and me having school start means anything.

I also don't see where it says anything is guaranteed. If you know me at all you would know my motto is nothing is guaranteed. You sound like you are talking down to me and it is quite annoying.

 

I am not an idiot, of course things can change.

[CherryT]

I still don't understand how being apart for some time and me having school start means anything.

I also don't see where it says anything is guaranteed. If you know me at all you would know my motto is nothing is guaranteed. You sound like you are talking down to me and it is quite annoying.

 

I am not an idiot, of course things can change.

 

I didn't say you were an idiot.

 

I don't know you and you don't know me, so please don't take something you read, in your own tone, personally. It's a public forum where people just exchange thoughts, stories, and what not. Sometimes with a lot of thought and other times just answering a question generally in the general relationship category in the midst of doing chores or while watching tv.

 

You asked whether people have gone through clashing views. Yes. Why? Because views change and can cause disagreements after some time. I didn't say anything negative about your relationship so if you want to take that as me "talking down" about your relationship or you, that's up to you but that wasn't intended or said. What's annoying is people who are overly defensive over what they think is being said about their relationship from a bunch of strangers online.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I didn't say you were an idiot.

 

I don't know you and you don't know me, so please don't take something you read, in your own tone, personally. It's a public forum where people just exchange thoughts, stories, and what not. Sometimes with a lot of thought and other times just answering a question generally in the general relationship category in the midst of doing chores or while watching tv.

 

You asked whether people have gone through clashing views. Yes. Why? Because views change and can cause disagreements after some time. I didn't say anything negative about your relationship so if you want to take that as me "talking down" about your relationship or you, that's up to you but that wasn't intended or said. What's annoying is people who are overly defensive over what they think is being said about their relationship from a bunch of strangers online.

 

Not worth arguing about, but you did still refer to my relationship, one could only assume what you were saying was directed at, well... my relationship.