Chronicling a second chance

[eachcomingnight]

Hi, fellow LS-ers.

 

As someone who benefited tremendously from this forum following my break-up in March, I thought I would give back to you my story of recovery and my second chance. This will also give me the chance to get out some of the thoughts I'm having to someone other than him.

 

To summarize: we had a long-distance relationship (across continents) for 20 months, with two full summers together during that time and a number of trips back and forth along with daily communication. We weathered the distance well and had a strong relationship until I felt it was time for us to close the distance. We had difficulty communicating our true feelings as I was contemplating a move to his city (he started to feel anxious about me "giving up" my life for him, although I saw it as an adventure rather than really giving anything up). His fear and anxiety of this next step grew until eventually he became convinced that he was not ready for it. There was essentially no turning back from there as this process unearthed a whole bunch of concerns and confusions on his part. We saw each other one last time and broke up. I let him know that I would not be able to keep in touch with him because I knew it would keep my hopes and feelings alive.

 

I went a month straight NC during which I forced myself out of the house with friends as much as possible. I wasn't very good company and on several occasions during the first few weeks I broke into tears spontaneously in public (not like me at all!!). But I decided to say "yes" to every invitation I got anywhere, from anyone. I treated myself frequently (to food, drinks, new clothes, anything that would make me smile). And I forced myself to start running, every day that I could. As the weeks passed and I knew my friends didn't want to hear all about it anymore, I carried a journal with me and wrote

"to him" when I felt inclined.

 

I had a momentary setback after a month when I contacted him to "check in." I told him that I thought I was strong enough to handle some contact but the truth was that I was nowhere close to being ready. He responded back saying he had been struggling, etc but nothing about wanting to change his mind, and I realized that I had, despite everything, been half expecting him to say that he was so happy I contacted him because he had realized he wanted me back. When I realized this wasn't the reply I was getting, I became despondent all over again and spent the next few days in communication back and forth, worrying about every word that I said and fretting over every reply until I said "enough" and cut the communication back off (thank goodness).

 

I remained pretty much NC for the next two months despite him sending me a birthday present and congratulating me on being offered & accepting a job in his city (I'd been unsure of whether or not to take it but it was an awesome opportunity for me so I went ahead with it). I did not tell him but he found out through facebook. When he did email at this point I replied but kept it to 1-2 sentences just replying directly to his point (i.e. "Thanks for your message, I'm really excited about this opportunity, hope you are well.") I refused to get sucked back into the communication cycle. I continued to run (more frequently than before), worked on a couple of other hobbies to occupy my time (music, learning Spanish) and generally worked my way back toward an equilibrium.

 

He emailed in June asking if I'd be up for a phone call. I declined, saying I was doing really well (I was) and didn't want to risk setting myself back. Turned out he was coming back to my country for a few months to the summer job where we first met - I was also going to be there. He said he didn't want to make things difficult for me and that returning to the job was about getting his own life back on track as he felt he was floundering. I said that we could play it by ear and did not speak to him until I saw him in person. I played it cool, was friendly when I saw him but did not seek out his company (although he sought out mine several times). Before I went on vacation from the job, we had a conversation in which he admitted that he'd been thinking about me since the break-up and had not been interested in anybody else. He laughed when I suggested that that might change in the future. He said he was hesitant to say any more than that - and I didn't want to push him to. We arranged to meet up again the next time I was around. We went for a walk and he talked about how he thought that he needed the time apart to sort himself out and realize some things about himself and about us, and that he would be really happy if we could try things again when we were in the same place. He said he saw the potential to build an even stronger relationship given that we now have a more open line of communication about the things that really matter. At the same time, he said he understood that I would probably have mixed feelings about this and that he would try his best to understand if someone else came along who captured my attention while he was working to gain back my trust.

 

So there you have it. He just returned to his home (my new home) this past weekend and we had our "first date" the other day. It was really nice and felt comfortable and right. However, three days later, I'm feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing. I wonder where exactly we are standing, whether he enjoyed his time with me as much as I did, while at the same time wondering if I even feel the same way about him that I did before. I feel my own fears of commitment which I'd previously overcome bubbling up to the surface. I always felt so secure in our relationship and now I'm wondering if I'll be able to recover that sense of security.

 

I'm sure these are typical issues to overcome when a relationship is being rekindled, so I'll try my best to write about how they develop.