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What is love? I think cheaters don't really know.

ChooseTruth

By ChooseTruth
in Infidelity

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janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

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Love is a decision, a commitment, a dedication to another person. Love means taking that person into account, endeavoring to enhance their lives and be a partner. Love is patient, is kind, is not self-seeking, is not proud or vain, doesn't rejoice in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always hopes, believes, and endures. Okay, so I stole some of that from I Corinthians. Love is a choice we make every day to be faithful and kind and committed and attentive to the person with whom we are joined. Love does not depend on feeling though often times we do have feelings of love. But love is solid, it is action. It is deeper than our moods or irritations or fluctuating brain chemistry.

 

Since I am a fWW, I would be interested to know if I understand love correctly.

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Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
Love is a decision, a commitment, a dedication to another person. Love means taking that person into account, endeavoring to enhance their lives and be a partner. Love is patient, is kind, is not self-seeking, is not proud or vain, doesn't rejoice in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always hopes, believes, and endures. Okay, so I stole some of that from I Corinthians. Love is a choice we make every day to be faithful and kind and committed and attentive to the person with whom we are joined. Love does not depend on feeling though often times we do have feelings of love. But love is solid, it is action. It is deeper than our moods or irritations or fluctuating brain chemistry.

 

Since I am a fWW, I would be interested to know if I understand love correctly.

 

yes, you do....and so does Pop Chassid.

 

it is all about giving. The more you give to each other, the more you love each other.

 

Men tend to go on automatic pilot. They provide, profess, chase you until you let them catch you....and then think that is enough.

 

In a book entitled "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" Dr. Scott Holtzman discovered men who naturally put their wives first; before job, money, financial acquisitions, and even children....were deliriously happy.....and had all the sex they could handle.;)

 

the book is Christian based, but I thought it made some great points: value, validate, appreciate your wife and put her needs first....you are most likely a happily married man.

  • Like 3
yellowmaverick Established Member

yellowmaverick

Posted
Posted
Love is a decision, a commitment, a dedication to another person. Love means taking that person into account, endeavoring to enhance their lives and be a partner. Love is patient, is kind, is not self-seeking, is not proud or vain, doesn't rejoice in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always hopes, believes, and endures. Okay, so I stole some of that from I Corinthians. Love is a choice we make every day to be faithful and kind and committed and attentive to the person with whom we are joined. Love does not depend on feeling though often times we do have feelings of love. But love is solid, it is action. It is deeper than our moods or irritations or fluctuating brain chemistry.

 

Since I am a fWW, I would be interested to know if I understand love correctly.

 

Really....huh.....and here I thought love was getting blown in the backseat of a car while pushing her head down so nobody would see! That's what I get for listening to my WH!!

  • Like 2
Journee Established Member

Journee

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Posted
Really....huh.....and here I thought love was getting blown in the backseat of a car while pushing her head down so nobody would see! That's what I get for listening to my WH!!

 

You and I must be kindred spirits or just walking through the same minefield. I tend to go to this dark place when I think about what my H views as love. I don't for a minute believe he loved me during his A's. Nor did he love any of his OW. Meeting a depressed ,lonely ,on the verge of divorce , sleeping with several men , admitted substance abuse problem having.... woman in a hotel to " talk" surely isn't love. I imagine kissing your pregnant wife goodbye before you do it isn't love either.

 

Heck, I don't think I know what love is anymore. If it's a choice then I'm choosing not to make one.

 

Meh, let me think on this before I continue.

  • Like 2
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted
My sister just sent me this article.

I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married | Pop Chassid

 

I totally agree with this guy's conclusions.

 

What do you think?

 

Good post, NH.

 

I don't know how many cheaters it applies to but it certainly was thecase with my wife. I was shooting for mature love, which I think is best described as a profound respect and admiration. My wife expected the love chemicals to last forever.

  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted
yes, you do....and so does Pop Chassid.

 

it is all about giving. The more you give to each other, the more you love each other.

 

Men tend to go on automatic pilot. They provide, profess, chase you until you let them catch you....and then think that is enough.

 

In a book entitled "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" Dr. Scott Holtzman discovered men who naturally put their wives first; before job, money, financial acquisitions, and even children....were deliriously happy.....and had all the sex they could handle.;)

 

the book is Christian based, but I thought it made some great points: value, validate, appreciate your wife and put her needs first....you are most likely a happily married man.

 

Hmm. Sometimes, but not always. I suppose that's why you said, most likely. Doesn't always pay off, as it turns out.

  • Like 1
Betterthanthis13 Established Member

Betterthanthis13

Posted
Posted

That was beautiful and perfect to read... hopeful and realistic. In the wake of disaster, I am walking away. Someone just faked that entire scene for me but I refuse to fall. I still believe it exists, and even though it is late and I am a fool, I will find it. I will find what was described in that article you posted, only for real this time :)

  • Like 3
janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
Posted

While a cheater is cheating, the only love he/she knows is selfish. IF they truly repent and take responsibility, they can relearn how to really love again. But the selfish pride has to go first. A WS who ends the affair but retains the selfish entitlement and pride will not REALLY learn what love is....and maybe they never knew.

 

Just my opinion.

  • Like 3
waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

Posted
Posted

"Why wasn’t I getting reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were first married? Because it wasn’t for her. It was for me. "

 

Yep. I think we did love each other when we married though as we'd lived together for 6 years already - had begun to learn to use that positive feedback loop he talks about.

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ChooseTruth Established Member

ChooseTruth

Posted
  • Author
Posted

One thing my mother used to tell me growing up.

 

"To love is to sacrifice"

 

Come to think of it, that kinda goes right along with the "love is a verb" mantra :)

  • Like 2
ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted

My WH doesn't even like himself so he couldn't possibly know how to love me or the MOW. I think my WH shows his love in the only way he knows. I do not think he loved me during his A. He said he did. I say he didn't :laugh:

 

I know during my A I was not acting loving towards him :( I coped with his first A by having one of my own :sick: That is not love.

 

I believe love is an action and a feeling. I believe love transcends.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
My WH doesn't even like himself so he couldn't possibly know how to love me or the MOW. I think my WH shows his love in the only way he knows. I do not think he loved me during his A. He said he did. I say he didn't :laugh:

 

I know during my A I was not acting loving towards him :( I coped with his first A by having one of my own :sick: That is not love.

 

I believe love is an action and a feeling. I believe love transcends.

 

This is a great point LD that many a BS does not fully understand. The first love is self-love. Until you honor, cherish and respect yourself, there is no well from which to give to another.

 

Needy and broken attracts needy and broken. Even needy and broken acting smug, arrogant and self-entitled attracts the same.

 

How could someone love me when they cannot even love themselves?

Journee Established Member

Journee

Posted
Posted

That was a good read. I have to say though, I fully admit that I had very unreal expectations about love and life. I knew from the moment I met my husband at the age of eighteen I would fall head over heels for him. That his beautiful sad eyes would be my drowning pool. That I could love him to life. We have both had rough pasts and deal with the pain of abandonment. Neither of us felt we deserved love or even knew how to properly demonstrate it. Carrying perpetually broken hearts into a relationship at such a young age. We stumble and fall. Then stumble and fall.

 

There is something about torment and passion that translates to be romance for many. Drama and uncertainty. Sadly, I think this is lots of people's reality. If not them than their partner feels this way.

  • Like 1
Journee Established Member

Journee

Posted
Posted
My WH doesn't even like himself so he couldn't possibly know how to love me or the MOW. I think my WH shows his love in the only way he knows. I do not think he loved me during his A. He said he did. I say he didn't :laugh:

 

I know during my A I was not acting loving towards him :( I coped with his first A by having one of my own :sick: That is not love.

 

I believe love is an action and a feeling. I believe love transcends.

 

 

This is huge. Not living one's self.

 

I have told my husband for years to stop punishing himself. He has self sabotaged so many times , in so many instances.

 

I'm much the same. Can't let anyone love me... because... they would then have the opportunity to hurt me.

 

This is why I don't believe A's are so black and white. People are so incredibly complex. Sure ,the actions say selfish and entitled but the source I imagine at times is tremendous amounts of pain just bubbling to the surface.

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