Chronicling a second chance

[eachcomingnight]

Hi, fellow LS-ers.

 

As someone who benefited tremendously from this forum following my break-up in March, I thought I would give back to you my story of recovery and my second chance. This will also give me the chance to get out some of the thoughts I'm having to someone other than him.

 

To summarize: we had a long-distance relationship (across continents) for 20 months, with two full summers together during that time and a number of trips back and forth along with daily communication. We weathered the distance well and had a strong relationship until I felt it was time for us to close the distance. We had difficulty communicating our true feelings as I was contemplating a move to his city -- while I truly believed that we were on the same page, and he never said otherwise, he had some concerns. He started to feel anxious about me "giving up" my life for him, although I saw it as an adventure rather than really giving anything up. His fear and anxiety of this next step grew until eventually he became convinced that he was not ready for it. There was essentially no turning back from there as this process unearthed a whole bunch of concerns and confusions on his part. We saw each other one last time and broke up. I let him know that I would not be able to keep in touch with him because I knew it would keep my hopes and feelings alive.

 

I went a month straight NC during which I forced myself out of the house with friends as much as possible. I wasn't very good company and on several occasions during the first few weeks I broke into tears spontaneously in public (not like me at all!!). But I decided to say "yes" to every invitation I got anywhere, from anyone. I treated myself frequently (to food, drinks, new clothes, anything that would make me smile). And I forced myself to start running, every day that I could. As the weeks passed and I knew my friends didn't want to hear all about it anymore, I carried a journal with me and wrote

"to him" when I felt inclined.

 

I had a momentary setback after a month when I contacted him to "check in." I told him that I thought I was strong enough to handle some contact but the truth was that I was nowhere close to being ready. He responded back saying he had been struggling, etc but nothing about wanting to change his mind, and I realized that I had, despite everything, been half expecting him to say that he was so happy I contacted him because he had realized he wanted me back. When I realized this wasn't the reply I was getting, I became despondent all over again and spent the next few days in communication back and forth, worrying about every word that I said and fretting over every reply until I said "enough" and cut the communication back off (thank goodness).

 

I remained pretty much NC for the next two months despite him sending me a birthday present and congratulating me on being offered & accepting a job in his city (I'd been unsure of whether or not to take it but it was an awesome opportunity for me so I went ahead with it). I did not tell him but he found out through facebook. When he did email at this point I replied but kept it to 1-2 sentences just replying directly to his point (i.e. "Thanks for your message, I'm really excited about this opportunity, hope you are well.") I refused to get sucked back into the communication cycle. I continued to run (more frequently than before), worked on a couple of other hobbies to occupy my time (music, learning Spanish) and generally worked my way back toward an equilibrium.

 

He emailed in June asking if I'd be up for a phone call. I declined, saying I was doing really well (I was) and didn't want to risk setting myself back. Turned out he was coming back to my country for a few months to the summer job where we first met - I was also going to be there. He said he didn't want to make things difficult for me and that returning to the job was about getting his own life back on track as he felt he was floundering. I said that we could play it by ear and did not speak to him until I saw him in person. I played it cool, was friendly when I saw him but did not seek out his company (although he sought out mine several times). Before I went on vacation from the job, we had a conversation in which he admitted that he'd been thinking about me since the break-up and had not been interested in anybody else. He laughed when I suggested that that might change in the future. He said he was hesitant to say any more than that - and I didn't want to push him to. We arranged to meet up again the next time I was around. We went for a walk and he talked about how he thought that he needed the time apart to sort himself out and realize some things about himself and about us, and that he would be really happy if we could try things again when we were in the same place. He said he saw the potential to build an even stronger relationship given that we now have a more open line of communication about the things that really matter. At the same time, he said he understood that I would probably have mixed feelings about this and that he would try his best to understand if someone else came along who captured my attention while he was working to gain back my trust.

 

So there you have it. He just returned to his home (my new home) this past weekend and we had our "first date" the other day. It was really nice and felt comfortable and right. However, three days later, I'm feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing. I wonder where exactly we are standing, whether he enjoyed his time with me as much as I did, while at the same time wondering if I even feel the same way about him that I did before. I feel my own fears of commitment which I'd previously overcome bubbling up to the surface. I always felt so secure in our relationship and now I'm wondering if I'll be able to recover that sense of security.

 

I'm sure these are typical issues to overcome when a relationship is being rekindled, so I'll try my best to write about how they develop.

Edited September 10, 2013 by eachcomingnight

[LinkWorshiper]

This makes me SO HAPPY to read. You don't even know. Just... yay for you!

 

On a more selfish note, it makes me happy because the part where you spoke about what happened just as you guys were on the road to reconciling seems to be the place where I'm at with my man. There is the caveat that he had been seeing some other girl, but I have no idea what the status of that is, and the way he's been treating me is a lot like what you have written here. Long story short, we started talking again after a period of NC, and even though it was rough in some patches at first, it has gotten to this point where I barely lift a finger, and he's contacting me at least once a day, looking me up online to see what I'm doing, arranging to hang out. The last few times we've hung out together have been very nice, and he's made a point to message me afterwards to say how much he's liked it and that it's been important for us. He's getting more affectionate and he's been telling me that he's been doing a lot of important thinking lately, but he's not ready to share it. Do you feel that it is best to just allow him to feel comfortable and not press it? Or should I try and maybe goad him a little bit. I'm not exactly the slickest person in the world, so trying to flirt it out of him is pretty much a no-go.

[eachcomingnight]

Thanks I wasn't sure whether or not to share because I don't want to give false hope to people. One thing I did want to share with everyone is that he explicitly said "I'm glad you didn't contact me - there was a point a few weeks in where I was struggling so much I probably would have pushed to get you back in my life - but I hadn't sorted myself out yet, so the same problems would have come back in time."

 

It's a difficult line to walk, isn't it? On one hand, I don't want to pressure him so I'm trying not to introduce too much "serious talk." On the other hand, I'd really like to know that he sees at least the possibility of this going somewhere. I think that I might bring it up in a way that focuses on me - i.e. "I've been really enjoying my time with you, but I feel like I'm holding back because I'm not quite sure where this is going," etc.

 

I think that the other girl in the picture makes things a little more complicated for you, but also in a way makes it more important to figure out where he stands sooner rather than later. In my case, I think he went through the same "not ready to share" phase because he was concerned about hurting me again so he didn't want to start something when he wasn't 100% sure -- so I didn't push him then, and gave him more time. But it can't go on forever. You don't want to allow yourself to fall hard again (presuming you've moved forward enough to fall) and then have him pull the rug out from under your feet. So I don't have a concrete answer for you, but try to keep the ball in your court as much as you can.

[LinkWorshiper]

I appreciate your reply! I agre with most everything you said. His talk suggests to me that he is evolving on his own stance on where things are going but doesn't want to commit just yet. Which is why I'm hesitant to push. He got very touchy when I first tried to even push the subject of the other girl a few weeks ago. He pulled the rug out from under my feet when the girl first entered the picture, and then I went NC. He reached out to me with an emotional handwritten letter about three weeks into that which got the ball rolling on our interacting again. I think he might be trying to be careful while seeing if tho he can work out with me so I don't just storm off. I can't exactly hold it against him for feeling this way honestly.

 

For sure I think all this time will end up making us stronger if tho he work out, which at this point, my gut says they will. We had once had a period of tension in our nearly 3 year relationship where he seemed to be battling similar issues and I really think he's getting a clue about self improvement by dealing with it on his own. It seems to have also made him more aware of others, namely me. As I said, he's been loosening up and being much more affectionate and honest with me lately. He's also not hiding the fact we spend time together and acts that way even in front of his friends.

[eachcomingnight]

Do you have any idea why he got so touchy about the subject of the girl? It seems to me that if he is serious about reconnecting with you he should recognize that it's quite reasonable for you to wonder about someone else being in the picture and that it's his responsibility to prove to you that nothing's going on with her.

(Sorry, I'm not quite familiar with your situation, but I'm a bit confused about why he'd get so upset about what seems like a completely logical question for you to ask.)

[BC1980]

It's a difficult line to walk, isn't it? On one hand, I don't want to pressure him so I'm trying not to introduce too much "serious talk." On the other hand, I'd really like to know that he sees at least the possibility of this going somewhere. I think that I might bring it up in a way that focuses on me - i.e. "I've been really enjoying my time with you, but I feel like I'm holding back because I'm not quite sure where this is going," etc.

 

I recommend (for Link Worshiper too) reading Mimi Tanner's "The Reverse Ultimatum" or anything by her. She has great advice on why you should not pressure anyone to show their hand and to let them deal with their issues before asking. Google her to find her website. It's great stuff I wish I had known before my last relationship, and it's geared towards showing you how to feel good about yourself as well.

[LinkWorshiper]

Thanks BC! I'll look into that.

 

As for your question, each comingnight, I wish I knew that answer! I felt it was a logical thing to ask especially considering I had told him I wasn't interested in hanging around if he was going to consider the pursuit of this girl. That's when we went NC, and then he started reaching back out with regrets. He's improved a lot since then, but still not sure about the status of the other girl. Mutual friends literally throw their hands up in the air if you ask about what he's thinking right now, so it's not just me. Anyway, when he got touchy about the other girl coming up, he said she wasn't pertinent and then started doing a lot of projecting of negative feelings, so the argument didn't even stay centered on her. It's one of the reasons I think he might be changing his stance becuse he got so upset being asked about something he wasn't ready to talk about yet. Again, he seems to have improved from that point, which was two weeks ago, but I'm trying to gauge it as best I can. So far I've been focusing more on what he does than what he says.

 

To add, half his issue in life which he is trying to resolve was his inability to talk about things that are hard or he didn't want to discuss. So obviously this was residual from that despite his efforts.

Edited September 10, 2013 by LinkWorshiper

[LinkWorshiper]

An update....

 

Last night, at about 2:30am, I got a text from my ex that said, "Did I ever properly explain to you how sorry I am for how I was when we were together?"

 

Obviously I was asleep, so I just recently responded to him saying, "Not really, but it's good to hear. It just only makes me sad you wouldn't want to try again now that you are improving. But I always knew there was something special about you and how my life changed for the better when you came into it. It's a feeling I don't have around anyone else and it's how I"ll always feel."

 

Not the most eloquent, but I wanted to just lay it out there for him. I hope I didn't do it in a way that might freak him out, though it pretty much IS exactly how I feel. He's "seen" the text according to my phone, but he's probably at work or something right now. I am now nervous that this might be make or break time.

[eachcomingnight]

Need to get this out.

So I've seen him a number of times over the past week -- wasn't entirely planned but we ended up spending a large chunk of the last few days together. He just headed out a while ago and I'm feeling really unsettled. By yesterday evening, I started feeling antsy, like it was too much too soon, didn't know what to say anymore, etc. I'm having trouble separating my own feelings from my perceptions of what he's feeling. So I feel kind of down and a little bit anxious but I don't know if it's because of my own doubt or if it's because I'm worrying that he must be feeling doubt as well.

 

This is really tricky. I won't be seeing him for the next week or so probably, so I'm hoping that I can chill out and get back to my relatively carefree attitude and just keep taking things as they come, maybe a bit more slowly.

[BC1980]

Just keep focusing on you, and keep your options open. It's all about you unless he is committing to a relationship. Don't put too much pressure on it.

[eachcomingnight]

Totally agree, but it's much easier said than done! I told him this morning that I was wary of us smothering each other so asked for us to be our usual independent selves for today and just check in before bedtime (we typically talk throughout the day). He agreed. I think this was the right move to give me today to myself but I feel really unsettled and anxious. Oddly enough I think part of me believes I've somehow "ruined it" by allowing us to see each other too much too fast - but I need to let go of that thought and remember that whatever will be will be. Time to make plans for the rest of my day today to make it enjoyable. Thanks for checking in and for your advice, BC

[MrE_UK]

If you feel anxious, try and relax before making any decisions. Will help no end and you should see things more clearly. The future is always uncertain.

[thora-tiki]

I agree with my fellow no contact warriors.

 

You are still in early reconnecting days.

 

Take it slow. Like dead slow.

 

This is why I've said recently on so many posts to keep cool.

 

When emotions are running high all we can think is:

«Excellent they are calling/texting/wanting to meet us.

We'll get back together»

But it doesn't happen like that, unfortunately.

 

I know its hard, but other people reading this should take heed of what happens when you try to reconnect too fast

or spend too much time with the ex the first few months. Yes, months.

 

These are the results =

You feeling like you are back in limbo and feeling unsettled and anxious.

 

Tip, only meet the ex once or twice a week for several months.

That is taking it slow.

 

You two are spending too much time together, I mean, to me, it sounds like you just slipped back into the old failed relationship,

where you spend every waking moment together, and if you are not in the same room, you talk, talk, talk.

 

You wrote:

This is really tricky. I won't be seeing him for the next week or so probably,

so I'm hoping that I can chill out and get back to my relatively carefree attitude and just keep taking things as they come, maybe a bit more slowly.

 

During the days apart, you focus on you:

 

To me, reading this, I seem to read that you don't want to spend that much time with him.

Again, not because you don't want to be with him, but because you miss some alone time.

Listen to your gut, the gut that is missing your chill time.

Maybe do LC, not because you want to break up, but because you need this time to get the focus back on you.

Continue working on yourself, your hobbies, hang out with friends, don't worry about the ex/boyfriend or what ever he is.

 

If he calls, be light and fun, but maybe just say yes to one out of three date invitations/hang outs.

Also, let a few of the calls go to voice mail.

 

If he text, text back a few hours later, unless it is important.

If he sends text, just answer ever 3 or 4th message.

If you are not in a committed relationship,

he is still just an option to you.

 

You feel this way, unsettled and anxious, because you have evolved past the old failed relationship,

and this, spending too much time, reminds you of the old failed relationship.

 

I mean, you probably spend a lot of time together then,

but look how that turned out.

 

I'll tell you how that turned out, you two broke up.

 

If you never spent enough time together in the old failed relationship, and this was the reason you two broke up,

I would still give you the same advice I am giving you now.

 

You wrote:

(we typically talk throughout the day).

 

This is NOT taking it slow.

 

You thought that since you have been dating a few months,

that it was somehow safe to spend many days of the week with him,

it is not.

We need balance in every relationship we have.

 

You are still evolving and should still focus on your goals as an individual,

and try to steer your ex/boyfriend or what ever he is, that way too.

 

You have big plans for 2013/2014 and not all those plans should involve your ex/boyfriend or what ever he is.

 

We need to not lose sight of our individualism in the relationship which can be difficult at times without upsetting the other party or appearing selfish.

 

But it is doable.

 

If you do not have a commitment from him, do not sleep with him.

 

Do not make him a cake eater.

 

You can do this!

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[eachcomingnight]

Hey, thanks a lot. It does sting a bit to realize that I can be used as an example of what NOT to do because I was the queen of cool following our break-up, but you're right, this is way too much too fast. It wasn't entirely planned - part of the time we spent together came about as a result of hanging out with some mutual friends - but I should have been more careful about my plans. After a certain point this weekend I started getting panicky and uncomfortable. I don't know if it's just wanting some space or if it's also a genuine confusion about whether or not we will work out now that we are in the same place (we were a LDR before).

 

I went out and did some cool things on my own today but am truthfully feeling a bit crappy still, and I am upset with myself for allowing myself to get back to the point where my relationship with him has such a big impact on me. I do need to take control again and focus on me because I don't want to feel like this. I will keep you updated. Thank you so much for all of your advice.

[eachcomingnight]

Also, it's worth noting that I genuinely am not sure about if I want to be with him, so that's one more reason to be treating this as an option. I think he's a wonderful person and I find him incredibly attractive but maybe we genuinely are not the best match for the long-term. So I should stop acting like that's already settled.

[heartshaped]

I think you just need to take some deep breaths, take things as they come, and take things slowly. Everything will work out the way it's suppose to in the end.

[eachcomingnight]

Hey LS friends! Just checking in for a quick update to my story.

It's been almost a month now since we started seeing each other again. After my last few posts we managed to find a much better balance and the anxiety slowly settled. At this point we are seeing each other 2x a week or so, and usually one of those times I'll spend the night at his or he'll crash at mine. We're using this as a chance to explore the city more and do some really fun things together (rock climbing, trying out interesting restaurants, music festivals, etc.).

 

I am also continuing to develop my new friendships and interests here so that I don't become too heavily reliant on our relationship.

 

Re: my concerns about where this is going - I swallowed my fears and didn't bring it up (beyond the comment I shared earlier about needing some space for a day). And I'm glad I did because I am really happy with where things are right now...and I'd like him to be the one who is pushing for commitment, rather than vice versa.

 

Thanks for your continued support.

[thora-tiki]

This is fantastic news.

I am so happy for you!

 

I have started the reconnect stage with my ex, or dildo face as I call him,

we are seeing each other one time a week, maybe go from one to two times a week in a few weeks.

 

But he has to earn it.

 

Thanks for giving me dating ideas:

rock climbing, trying out interesting restaurants, music festivals, etc.

 

You wrote:

Re: my concerns about where this is going - I swallowed my fears and didn't bring it up

(beyond the comment I shared earlier about needing some space for a day).

And I'm glad I did because I am really happy with where things are right now...

and I'd like him to be the one who is pushing for commitment, rather than vice versa.

 

Yeah.

Fear + Panic doesn't = True Love

 

You seem to be having a good grip of the situation,

unlike a month ago.

 

Hurrah!

 

About commitment:

Maybe this will help, or give you ideas, it is from the e-book the magic of making up:

 

«Talking About Being Together

If you’ve been dating again for a few months, you may feel like it’s time to actually talk

about whether or not you’re going to get back together.

 

Even if you’re behaving like you’re back together,

you still need to have an official conversation about it.

 

Just like you’ve been working to keep things light, you need to continue that pattern

when you’re getting ready to ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation.

 

It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead.

You can ask questions and test the waters.

 

For example, you can say, “Didn’t we make a great couple?”

 

This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really

feeling about the time you’ve been spending together.

 

Is it just casual or was your ex thinking that this was going down the road of reconciliation?

 

Once you’ve asked the question, leave it hanging out there until your ex answers it.

 

Sure, there may be some uncomfortable silence, but you can deal with that –

you’ve been handling that well for months now. Let your ex do the talking.

He or she will either agree that yes you did make a good couple.

 

You may also get the answer that you’re ex isn’t interested.

 

If you get a positive response,

then ask your ex if he or she wants to get back together.

Again, patiently await the response.»

 

My guess is that he'll be the one begging for a commitment in not that long.

 

Just be patient and keep your thoughts and feelings positive!

As I have said before:

«This will be the theme:

You are going to act expensive, whether you feel it or not, you are going to act expensive.

 

Which means you don't beg, you don't grovel, you don't plead, you don't whine,

even if you feel lost and overwhelmed, because men love expensive women.»

 

Come back now and then to keep us updated, buddy!

[MoooOinkBaaa]

If you want to be together, just be together. If two people really want to be together they aren't afraid of each other.

[eachcomingnight]

Thanks, thora.

 

Moo, I'm not afraid of him, but after being left once, when there were no obvious problems in the relationship, I think some lingering anxiety about committing myself again is not entirely out of order.

[eachcomingnight]

Hi everyone!

Well we are still going strong and having a really good time.

Just thought I'd check in!

[eachcomingnight]

Bumping for Unknown.

 

We are nearly 5 months into our "new" relationship and are going strong.

I wrote earlier about our communication being a challenge the first time around (even though I didn't really realize it was a weakness until the relationship actually ended). We talked a LOT, but not always about the stuff that mattered. Now he is helping me to feel comfortable articulating any concerns and anxieties I have, which has always been difficult for me. But he is helping me turn it around.

 

We had the "relationship talk" in December and agreed that we were comfortable with the boyfriend/girlfriend label (he brought the topic up). I feel really great about where things are and where they're heading although I think I need to keep making an effort to build up my own social life (I'm in a new country) so that I don't become reliant on him again!