Unable2Cope Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Hi, my wife left me yesterday. I do not know where my head is at the moment. Things have not been good for us for awhile, and while I was in denial about our relationship, I wanted it to work, and was working very hard on it. I found out yesterday that $800 had been taken out of the bank. I rang my wife's work to find out if she knew what was going on, only to be told that she had already left. I freaked out and left my work immediately. To cut a long story short, she took money out of our joint account, opened a new account and transferred the money across. She then went to her parents house. We had a 3 yo son, and that is what is hardest for me. I love my son (and my wife), very much. They are my world, they are my everything. It all started because I rang her friend (whom she is really close to) and asked her for some advice in regards to my wife. I said that if she was uncomfortable or didnt want to talk, then that was fine, but she said it was OK. Anyway, we were on the phone for about an hour and worked through a few things, what she was saying to me was all positive things. I then found out that she rang my wife, told her I was talking to her, and that is when my wife left work and flipped out. She has my son, and is living with her parents at the moment, and it hurts more than anyone can imagine. When she came by last night to get him (after all this happened), she said she didnt love me, and in fact hated me some times. Said I am too controlling of her, and I did this. She also said she had been feeling like this (not loving me) for quite some time, and said we should of never got married (which was 8 months ago). Everyone I talk to, says she is silly etc. And as sad as it sounds, I really love my wife and would love for things to work out, but it is just so damn hard coping with it (it has only been a day). I feel empty inside, used and discarded. Part of me wants to believe there is a glimmer of hope and that we might be able to sort it out, and when I listen to my other side, I get upset because I dont think anything is going to change. I desperately miss my wife and child!!! I want them back, I dont think I can handle not being together.
Devildog Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 She has my son, and is living with her parents at the moment, and it hurts more than anyone can imagine. Oh, I think almost everyone who has posted on this board can imagine how it hurts. I for one know exactly how it hurts. My daughter turns 3 in February and my wife has sperated from me and has our daughter. Yes, it is a suffering unlike anything you had imagined before. You need to get your emotions under control ASAP. At least when talking with your wife. It is hard but this is a priority. I didn't and ended up causing alot more damage the first 2 weeks of my seperation. I still don't know if I pushed things beyond the point of reconciliation. So don't lose your cool when talking to your wife. Next, try to make an effort to get some help for the issues she has brought up. Counselling is a good idea, it will help you learn to deal with your issues and will also help you to learn how to deal with the situation you are going through in a healthy way. When you talk to your wife, listen, don't argue, don't deny, don't defend and don't make counter accusations. I am sure your wife does bear some of the blame for things getting to this point, but pointing those things out will not help you get things back on track. If you make the effort to change and work on your issues she might be more willing to go to counseling with you and then you can start working on the issues she brings to the situation. Trust me, I am about a month removed from where you are. I know what you are feeling and I have experienced what doesn't work and what helps.
Unable2Cope Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 I know what you are saying. I have my ups and extreme downs. I start going through all possibilities - what happens when I am not around? Is she thinking about us? Is she content because she has our son and a roof over her head? What happens with my son? What happens if she finds someone else, whom my son then knows as Dad, and I am basically just his birth father? and so on.... I struggle with this every moment of everyday, and I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hang on for a glimmer of hope, hoping she will realise what she is doing and come back. She has said 'I do not think it can be fixed', and 'if nothing else, thankyou for 5 years and a wonderful son'. How am I suppose to react to that? She also said she is not in love with me anymore, and even got to some occasions where she hated me. She said she is so sorry for hurting me, but she is being honest with me. I can I deal with this, knowing that I love my wife and son very much, and it is out of my hands what she decides. What happens if we do not get back together, and I become a person who is bitter and twisted and try to hang onto something that has gone. I got married for a reason, because I totally love my wife. It has only been 8 months and it has come to this. Everything we have shared, everything that we have gone through, ends up like this. Even if we do get back together, what about the lingering thought in the back of my head, to what she has done to me? Could I get passed that?
Devildog Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Did you also get the "you are a wonderful father and a good man, you deserve someone that will love you like you deserve" line? Otherwise it is more or less what my wife told me. My experience was desperation and hurt for the first 2 weeks, and I would have done anything if she would let me back. Then I finally understood I needed counseling, which I am getting now. And during the 2nd 2 weeks I hoped that she would see I was serious about working on my issues and give us another chance. I have reached the point where I realized that while I have some problems, I do not bear all the burden and blame. In reality I probably don't even deserve half of the blame. If, and it seems like a big if at this point, she decided she was ready to give it another try, she would have to make some serious efforts on resolving her issues before it happened. If you get the help you need and resolve your issues, that is all you can do. If she still leaves you can hold your head up high and know that you made every effort to save your marriage. She will be the one who gave up. And after a few months or years she will finally wake up and realize what she threw away, and she will probably never have someone as good as you were ever again.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Devildog is giving you GREAT advice. The only thing that I would add at this point is that women can also say things they don't necessarily mean. It's not just the guys that do that! So take all that 'I-don't-love-you' business with a grain of salt. Sometimes a woman can be so full of resentment or anger that she, herself, can't tell if she loves you or not. Strong negative emotions can really prevent us from feeling the nicer, more caring emotions. Time will tell. Hang it there.
Unable2Cope Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 I spoke to my wife last night about our son, she is dropping him over today and I am to have him Saturday and Sunday and drop him back Monday morning. That will be good for me, but I already dread dropping him back on Monday. We discussed a few other personal matters, and were talking for roughly 35mins. It was all calm. But she said things like 'I cant be with you', to which I replied is that just for now, or is that how it is going to be. She replied with 'I dont know, I just cant be with you'. Whether she is saying that to save myself from anymore hurt I do not know. She kept saying she is sorry for everything she has done to me, and doesnt want to hurt me, and that she has not been happy for 6 months. Her sister also told me, that she had told her Dad, 'I am not going back'. We discussed our son, and initially she was going to move closer to me (and her work) - as her parents live approx 30mins away. Now she is saying she might move near her parents to be closer to them, or (and to a lesser extent now), closer to me - she doesnt know. However, in the same breath she said that she had applied for jobs around the area of her parents house. So ..... She also spoke of taking our son out of Child Care and quitting her current job. I am struggling with this every minute of everyday. Sure it has only been 2 days, and sure part of me thinks things will get better she just needs time. But like I said to her last night about what she was thinking etc. she said 'i thought will this time, that it would make me feel different ... but .... yeah' and then I replied with 'you havent really felt good or bad then' and she said yes. She knows how much I am hurting, and she kept saying in the phone call, we can be good friends, but we dont make good partners, and that our son was her priority. If our son was her priority, why wouldnt she want to move closer to me, and leave the only routine he has known in-tact? (daycare, his primary residence etc etc)
Devildog Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 I know it is hard to believe, but alot of times it is better for the child to do this. I didn't believe it at first either, but hear this out. Kids are more perceptive than you can imagine. Your son is picking up on the tension in the relationship. It causes problems and confusion in your son. By seperating the tension is removed and your son can feel more comfortable. He will still miss you, but as long as you give him your devotion and attention during your time with him he will be fine. Things can get better in time with you and your wife. You need to seriously look into counseling though. It will help you alot. Either to resolve the problems that exist in your marriage or to help you deal with the end of the relationship if that is what happens. Your wife is confused right now and doesn't know what she wants or what will happen any more than you do. Give her some time, be a good man and father and let her see what she has in you.
Unable2Cope Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 My wife dropped my son of this morning, and I tried to talk to her calmly and rationally. We spoke about many things, but ultimately it came down to her saying 'we did love each other, but I do not feel that way anymore'. She has also started saying what things she wants from our home and how she sees things being. I am so confused. I still really love her, but it cuts me deeper and deeper each time she says she doesnt love me. Would writing a letter to her help?
rble618740 Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 I don't think I can give you any better advice tha Devil Dog is giving you. I do want to say that my husband left me in June, so I know how you hurt. I am so sorry that your world has been turned upside down. I'm really sorry for the gaping wound you are carrying around. It will heal, no matter what happens with your marriage. The important thing is that you learn something from the hurt. Just to let you know it does work out, I did some self-improvement work, my husband noticed, he reciprocated with efforts towards making himself a better husband, and our marriage has been wonderful since he returned in August. I did want to tell you an experience that I had with an old boyfriend. Maybe it will provide some insight. I dated a guy, very seriously, for a number of years. Several times, after we argued or while we were having a hard time in our relationship, he would talk privately with my family or call one of my friends to talk about what was going on. This made me SO angry. I thought I would share with you how I felt when he did this, because your wife may not be communicating with you about this incident (which seems to have been the straw that broke the camel's back). I felt betrayed when one of my family members or friends told me he had called them. I felt that way because it felt like he was sneaking behind my back. I felt like my friends, family and boyfriend were conspiring against me. I know that's not the case, but that's how I felt. I felt foolish because they were talking about me behind my back. I wondered if his motivation was to have my friends make their mind up about who was wrong before I told them my side. I didn't have any idea why he would do it but, again, I felt betrayed. I also felt alone. I didn't feel like I had a support system because he had given his side of the story to people I would have usually looked to for support. It was awful. Even people in a good marriage need someone to talk who will be supportive of them through marriage problems. That's what friends are for. I don't expect my friends to tell me I'm right when I'm not, but I do expect to be the one who shares the details of my marital problems. Our friends are our confidants, and something is taken from that when they are put in the middle of relationship issues. I felt like a child. I felt like my boyfriend should have been talking with me. If it was something we'd talked about and couldn't agree on, I felt like he was being really controlling by trying to get the people closest to me to convince me that he was right. I felt like if I didn't agree with him, he thought I was too stupid to undestand his point of view. I understood, I just didn't agree. After a while, I pretty much stopped communicating with him because I never knew what portion of what I might say may be repeated to me by a friend. I wondered if he was trying to start something romantic with one of my friends because -- why else would he be sharing our most personal information (usually about how horrible a girlfriend I was) with other women. I hope you see that marital problems are NEVER solved by bringing in a third party, unless that third party is a counselor. Please...concentrate on how she might feel based on what you did, talk to her about how you think it must have made her feel, and apologize. Don't say "but I didn't mean to hurt you", don't say "but I didn't intend to ruin your support system," etc. Just apologize. It doesn't matter what you meant, or what you didn't know, it matters that she's really hurt.
debidoll Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Dude, I don't really have any advice, just a shoulder to cry on. My husband left me on Halloween night (we were married for 2 years). Two weeks before that, he loved me "very much"......I guess it was coincidence that he met someone at work around the same time he "stopped loving me". I have tried not speaking with him at all (as thankfully, we have no children), because it's the same as with you and your wife......constantly saying how he doesn't love me anymore, and those words echo in my head constantly, and hurt me also so much! I am still in disbelief about the whole thing. Too bad life didn't have a fast forward button, because then we could just forward past this pain.
Unable2Cope Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 We are still in contact because of our son etc. and I have still tried to talk to her, but to no avail. I still mention to her that I want to work on it, that she shouldn't give up hope on us etc. but all she comes back with is 'We just cant be together'. It is ripping me apart! Sometimes I am OK, but (especially in the mornings) I get really bummed out. I tried a different approach when I went to see them last night, and acted OK, and reasonably happy. We sat in her bedroom and talked. She has already taken her wedding ring off, and is just wearing her engagement ring and another ring I bought her on her other hand. She said 'What is the point of wearing it, when we are not together anyway' - that really hurt me, but I didnt let it show. I told her 'I know I cant change your mind, you have made your decision' and she agreed and shook her head. I then followed up with 'Dont get me wrong, I still really want to reconcile our differences. You shouldn't give up on us' then she replied with 'We just cant be together'. I stayed around for a little longer, and ended up having dinner there with her and her family. There was no real conversation between us though, but she did say to her parents 'I am fussy with food' 'I like this that way' 'I like things this way' etc. Basically minor things that she knows about me, after being together for so long. At the end of it, I said goodbye to them both and asked her to call me when my son goes to bed tomorrow night. She said that she will see me on Thursday, and might talk to me before then. My heart aches!
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