Dreamer100 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I dumped my boyfriend 2 months ago rashly as I saw pictures of him through some snooping :/ I later regretted my decision as he showed me that they were innocent and he had not cheated on me. I tried to get him back but he says he would struggle to trust me. I tried convincing him and that I would help him to gain trust in my again but he began blocking me out. I didn't contact him for a month after that. I then texted him after 4 weeks casually and he is still showing signs of missing me alot and says he is not over me but would still struggle to trust me. I tried to get him to give me a straight answer so I could move on because I'm in pain! He was being passive with his responses and would not say that he wouldn't get back with me, no matter how easily I laid it out on a plate to him. I asked him what his intentions were and he said he didn't have any and was just taking one day at a time. He then started blocking me out again. Last thing I said to him 2 days ago was that I would give him space and time and if he hasn't got back to me within 3 weeks, that I would accept there was no going back and move on. Is he messing me around? He was always the keener party. I don't know what to do
LinkWorshiper Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I dumped my boyfriend 2 months ago rashly as I saw pictures of him through some snooping :/ I later regretted my decision as he showed me that they were innocent and he had not cheated on me. I tried to get him back but he says he would struggle to trust me. I tried convincing him and that I would help him to gain trust in my again but he began blocking me out. I didn't contact him for a month after that. I then texted him after 4 weeks casually and he is still showing signs of missing me alot and says he is not over me but would still struggle to trust me. I tried to get him to give me a straight answer so I could move on because I'm in pain! He was being passive with his responses and would not say that he wouldn't get back with me, no matter how easily I laid it out on a plate to him. I asked him what his intentions were and he said he didn't have any and was just taking one day at a time. He then started blocking me out again. Last thing I said to him 2 days ago was that I would give him space and time and if he hasn't got back to me within 3 weeks, that I would accept there was no going back and move on. Is he messing me around? He was always the keener party. I don't know what to do I think he was feeling kind of pressured, which is why he keeps pulling away. And don't feel bad for trying really hard to get answers, because I'm pretty sure everybody has done that in the past. He might just really want some uninterrupted space. When I first broke up with my ex, I did the same thing because I didn't understand what was going on, and it made it worse when he ignored me, so I pressed harder, until he snapped at me. On the bright side, many months later, things seem to be improving. On the other hand, I wonder if it might have been less of a ride if I'd just let him be in the driver's seat from square one. I guess what I'm trying to say is to maybe step off for a bit and trust that if he feels comfortable, he'll come back. And when/if he does, you have to make a point to SHOW him you are trustworthy, not just say stuff you think will help. 1
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Thank you, that helps. He said that the last time he shut down was because things get too hard for him. I worry because I've given him a sort of ultimatum and time limit to make his mind up, he might disregard me Could he be trying to be kind and not being direct? I wasn't going to bring up the past in the texts but I felt I really needed to know where I stood. I asked him to tell me directly and that he was hurting me more by not being direct about what his intentions were!
LinkWorshiper Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Thank you, that helps. He said that the last time he shut down was because things get too hard for him. I worry because I've given him a sort of ultimatum and time limit to make his mind up, he might disregard me Could he be trying to be kind and not being direct? I wasn't going to bring up the past in the texts but I felt I really needed to know where I stood. I asked him to tell me directly and that he was hurting me more by not being direct about what his intentions were! The fact that you worry about the ultimatum suggests that you're not 100% behind it. And that's okay, but see, this is the stuff that is going to make him not trust you. You give an ultimatum, he doesn't react, and then you get sad because it didn't give you the result you wanted, so you try something else. What HE sees is that you can't stick to your guns, you're all over the place, and if he came back, it's going to be that all over again. If he's not answering your direct questions, again, he might just be feeling super pressured. There is a myth that men know what they want and when they want it, and they will say it without a second thought, but I think that is very untrue. If he's just trying to gather himself, you are not helping him out by being all up in his space. Trust me, been there, done that. For better or for worse, though, if it's meant to work out, it'll work out. However, the way you handle it is going to directly affect how much of a success rate you'll have.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Yes, I feel I ****ed up with that ultimatum. You can't pressure someone into anything. Not sure if I can back track on that, or leave things as they are? I was 100% behind it 2 days ago but with some thought I feel it's pressurising and might make me seem pushy. I just feel it's been 2 1/2 months and I'm in pain over this :/ Edited September 10, 2013 by Dreamer100
LinkWorshiper Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Yes, I feel I ****ed up with that ultimatum. You can't pressure someone into anything. Not sure if I can back track on that, or leave things as they are? I was 100% behind it 2 days ago but with some thought I feel it's pressurising and might make me seem pushy. I just feel it's been 2 1/2 months and I'm in pain over this :/ I'm a big believer in just being totally honest at all times, even if it doesn't seem like it will help. I don't like manipulation or all the advice out there that says if you do X, then he will think Y, and everything will be solved. I think your best bet is to just send him some sort of correspondence you know he will see, maybe even a nice letter in the mail, lay it all out there, let him know you're there if he needs you, and then step back and don't do anything but be alive and do you. It'll be hard to not try and pick at it, but think of it like a really bad cut with a scab. If you want it to heal, you have to leave it alone after you put the first aid on it.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I'm thinking I might just leave it. I feel he'll think I'm a bit indecisive if I text him back again. Ill look pathetic. It's very hard all this. I don't even know if he's planning to 'get over' me. Relationships are hard ...
LinkWorshiper Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I'm thinking I might just leave it. I feel he'll think I'm a bit indecisive if I text him back again. Ill look pathetic. It's very hard all this. I don't even know if he's planning to 'get over' me. Relationships are hard ... Listen, if relationships were easy, everybody would be happily married to their first love and never divorce. But if its worth it to you, it's worth working at. I think leaving it for a bit can't hurt you. It will also give you time to think.
todreaminblue Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Thank you, that helps. He said that the last time he shut down was because things get too hard for him. I worry because I've given him a sort of ultimatum and time limit to make his mind up, he might disregard me Could he be trying to be kind and not being direct? I wasn't going to bring up the past in the texts but I felt I really needed to know where I stood. I asked him to tell me directly and that he was hurting me more by not being direct about what his intentions were! i wouldnt set a time limit on someone if you love them......in my opinion time limits amount to pressure i hate them time goes really fast when you know you have to have something done by a certain time and you actually start to dread the day it arrives...but then i am ocd and i keep changing everything i have dead lines for...never satisfied until that time constraint is over....i see time limits as control...thats why i would suggest if you want to be understanding considering you made the gaff......that you contact him with a quick message saying you take all the time you need....deb
LinkWorshiper Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 i wouldnt set a time limit on someone if you love them......in my opinion time limits amount to pressure i hate them time goes really fast when you know you have to have something done by a certain time and you actually start to dread the day it arrives...but then i am ocd and i keep changing everything i have dead lines for...never satisfied until that time constraint is over....i see time limits as control...thats why i would suggest if you want to be understanding considering you made the gaff......that you contact him with a quick message saying you take all the time you need....deb Agreed. You have to let everything kind of go at its own pace, and it's annoying ot hear that because everybody's life moves differently. So the waiting time for me might be different than for you. Take it a day at a time and do what you feel. Just... keep in mind what I said about pressuring him too.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Listen, thank you for that. I decided to text him and told him what I said to him laterally was wrong. Told him that with no trust there is nothing much else and that I've tried my best with everything. I also apologised for hassling him. No response but I do feel like I can move on better. At least I left things on a semi ok note and not being pressurising about thing. Again, thanks for your advice
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