How can I stop feeling resentful?

[thishatteredsymphony]

Well, looks like I'm back here again.

 

The last time I made a thread I talked about how things have been moving on for me. I broke NC with my ex and said I felt better about it. Don't get me wrong, I feel I got my "closure" or as close to it as I'm going to get. And I'm okay with that. Since breaking that NC I haven't said anything else to her, so I'm back to another 5 solid weeks of NC. I have no desire to contact her and each day that resolve is getting stronger.

 

However, lately I'm feeling an extreme amount of anger toward her. I've been blaming her for my current situation in life -- no job, running out of money, insane boredom.

 

I made what is arguably a stupid mistake. When I moved in with her, the main reason was to be with her. Not because the job I took to live with her was what I wanted, but because I was tired of the long distance and wanted to get started living my life with her. So, I took a job I knew wouldn't advance my career, but I always thought that could come later. When everything fell apart three months ago and she dumped me for the other guy, I moved back home because, as I said, the only reason I left in the first place was to be with her.

 

So, three months later I'm at home and I can't seem to get a job. My resume is good, even with the job I took away from home that isn't geared toward my career. I've got awesome computer skills, graphic design talent, I'm networking like crazy and have been doing a lot of volunteer work -- all just to keep me busy but with the hope that it leads to something. But I get nothing, no calls, no interviews. I'm being proactive and calling places up, even sending out some cold calls and cold emails but that doesn't seem to get anywhere either. I don't really just want any job, and my pride is keeping me from going back to my ****ty first job in a fast food restaurant where I was miserable for four years. My former boss there is the only one who's expressed any interest in hiring me because despite my utter hatred of the place I was damn good at that job. I told him if he wants me back though I want to go through management training and work as a supervisor. The only thing keeping me from taking that offer, like I said, is my pride because I don't want to feel like I'm taking a step back.

 

But then, my bank account is looking really sad...

 

Literally a day before I found out my ex was cheating on me I had just paid rent, bills, and we had gone grocery shopping a couple days before. This was all out of my own pocket. That's over $1,300 down the drain. I ended up not living in the apartment that entire month, because after this all happened I quickly moved out and stayed elsewhere until my two weeks' notice with my job was up. While she offered to pay me back the money in my anger I told her "forget it, it will take you months to come up with the money." Which was true, because for a long time she was out of a job and I was paying for everything. And lately I'm regretting that decision because God knows I could use the money right now.

 

I know these decisions are my fault. I was stupid and sacrificed my own goals and aspirations all for one person. I think that sometimes you make compromises for a relationship, but I realize now I did it all the wrong way. I don't have anyone to blame for my current situation other than myself, the only thing I can blame her for is the betrayal of trust and lack of respect she showed me in our final days together.

 

How can I resolve this? It's not her fault I chose to set aside my career goals for her, in the hope I would resume it later. It's not her fault that when the relationship ended I chose to move home rather than keep the decent paying job I had and live in a neighborhood I really had no love for in the first place. It's only her fault the relationship ended. But the reason I find myself getting angry is because I feel if she hadn't done what she did I wouldn't be in this mess I'm in.

 

I just want to stop feeling angry. Working out helps a bit, playing my guitar helps, but I feel like these are just distractions. I need to be focusing more on getting a job and getting back on my feet. But every time I'm on the hunt I do well for a few hours and then the anger and frustration sets back in.

 

Has anybody felt like this? Please tell me I'm not alone and others out there have, either fairly or unfairly, blamed their exes for our situation? How did you cope with it and how did you let it go?

Edited September 10, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony

[Lokie]

Hell yeah, I've felt that way! For years! And from my years of experience, I am here to throw down a little California home-brewed spirituality for you:

 

1. Under the anger, nearly without exception (I don't believe in "always" and "never"), there is hurt. Hurt is represented by our egos being bruised in some way. Sometimes simply acknowledging that we are hurt instead of pissing away our energy on anger can help.

 

2. There is a little trick in my spiritual circles that works too, but it takes everything you've got not to gag doing it. Simply say out loud, "May (your ex's name) have everything I want: success, joy, love, great sex, inner peace, many friends, a beautiful home..." (you get the picture). Say that for two weeks, every day. Your resentment should start to fade.

 

3. Accept everything exactly as it is in this moment. All the pain and grief and anger and frustration - accept it all. It is typically in our resistance to the negativity that is occurring in our lives that keeps us stuck.

 

Anger is a bitch and takes up all of our precious energy. I hope you are feeling some peace soon.

 

And you and anyone else is welcome and encouraged to remind me of this when I am in the middle of my next, inevitable melt down! :-)

[thishatteredsymphony]

I feel awful about it most of the time. I do want her to have a happy life despite the **** she put me through during the break up. I just feel like once I'm back on my feet making money things will be easier.

 

I'm just tired of this boredom. I can't go out and do anything anymore, I did for a few weeks after moving home and I spent a good amount of money on a trip to D.C. as a means of doing something for myself. I have a brother and a good friend who live there and I'd been talking about making the trip to my ex for months. So I just decided now's a good time as ever, and it was great because it helped my healing process a bit. I don't regret going on that trip, but now I'm just finding myself at such a ****ing low point in my life. Money isn't everything, I know, but damn... this is driving me crazy and my depression is kicking back in again.

 

I've been thinking of going back to therapy to talk about this and get some help, but I'm afraid to do even that because of the money.

 

****... maybe I just need to shelve my pride and go back to my old job. But I was so, so miserable there. Even if it was a supervisory position I'm terrified at the thought of working there again.

Edited September 10, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony

[thishatteredsymphony]

I think my frustration has gotten worse today.

 

****, I'm an idiot. I broke NC about 6 weeks ago and I haven't contacted her since, but maybe because I broke it this is why I'm feeling so angry? My ex is on my mind a lot more these days, almost as much as she was during the first couple weeks after breaking up. But before where I felt hurt and miserable, now when I see her face inside my head I want to punch her. I would never do this in real life, but imagining myself doing this inside my own head gives me a savage pleasure I haven't felt in many years. I don't lash out the way I used to -- sometimes if I felt this way I would physically hit objects and scream to thin air.

 

But, is it still a bad sign that I imagine doing this? I fight the impulse and I've done a fantastic job at not letting my anger out like that, but it's getting increasingly difficult lately.

 

It's hard to say how I feel right now. I'm so angry over my lack of a job and other factors right now, and I do partly feel like I'm blaming her. But all the other feelings are coming back now too. Anger for her cheating, anger for dumping me, anger at the fact she let the son of a bitch she cheated on me with move in to what was once our apartment.

 

Holy hell... I haven't felt this angry in so long. I feel like screaming nonsense to thin air over everything. Little things are setting me off. I went to a last minute scheduled therapy appointment this morning to talk about this, which helped a little.

 

I think I just need to keep seeing my therapist. I thought I worked through my anger issues a long time ago, but apparently they're still a problem.

[marlina345]

i know how you feel my ex left me for someone else and a month before that he got things under my name i had to move 2 hours away from where i pretty much grew up and we have a two year old together so i took care of our son while he went to work i was dependent on this guy. so im pretty pissed that he didn't give me at least get my thoughts together.