zanesfan Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Im having a mild case of anxiety as I write this but my bf and I have been dating a bit over 3 months and we are considering moving in together mid Dec. I guess my anxiety stems from me being scared to leave my home and get married since I've already been married and divorced in the past. I'm also scared because not only will I have to look for a job there, I will also be having my son in tow. Which my sons father does pay child support and he has our son every weekend and we alternate holidays. My bf has been supportive of me since day 1 but I'm scared our relationship may go down the drain once we live together. I don't want the sole pressure of paying bills to fall on him and lastly I don't know if things will be ok. We are in talks of being engaged shortly after moving in together but I'm still worried. Is this a normal? I think it would be much better if he moved in with me but logically it doesn't make sense. Any suggestions?
CrystalCastles Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 IMO that's too early to talk about moving in. 9
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 If you're scared then why the hell are you making such a life-altering decision with a guy you've only known for a little over 3 months, when not just your own heart is at stake which is an obvious risk, but your son and your job? No, this absolutely makes no sense to me...It's like saying you fear heights and then jump into airplane and will attempt to skydive but the difference is you are semi-assured because you've known the pilot for 3 months or whatever. And you're really asking yourself if you're rushing things? Is it normal to you that you are doing this after everything you've experienced and been through in life, mainly concerning your past divorce/marriage? 1
CptSaveAho Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 its bull**** hamster rationalization (self talk.. women do) when they know they are making a huge mistake to convince themselves otherwise shes set... she doesnt really have to work... she gets a paycheck from her ex... her new sucker is willing to accept her with her new son (baggage)... shes doing it because she's allowed to do it... shes just scared that when/if the music stops playing and distracting the sucker shes with now, she wont have a chair to sit in... thats the only thing shes scared of
Author zanesfan Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I didn't know that after 3 months, talks of living together was out of the question. Besides don't people get married and conceive during this time? We are talking about it. We haven't done anything yet. And yes after 6 months we plan on living together. Maybe it is too soon and maybe we are rushing but as mature adults, we can make that decision if we choose to. As far as my job goes, I work pt from home because I go to school ft and I finish in Dec. So either way I haven't started my career yet.
Author zanesfan Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Ha... your view is very distorted I see. How am I trying to use anyone when i own my own home, have a car, my home is fully furnished, and my ex doesn't send me a paycheck to live on... so take your negativity else where. Sounds like you are mad. its bull**** hamster rationalization (self talk.. women do) when they know they are making a huge mistake to convince themselves otherwise shes set... she doesnt really have to work... she gets a paycheck from her ex... her new sucker is willing to accept her with her new son (baggage)... shes doing it because she's allowed to do it... shes just scared that when/if the music stops playing and distracting the sucker shes with now, she wont have a chair to sit in... thats the only thing shes scared of 1
CptSaveAho Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 All of which you got from your divorce...
MidwestUSA Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I didn't know that after 3 months, talks of living together was out of the question. Besides don't people get married and conceive during this time? We are talking about it. We haven't done anything yet. And yes after 6 months we plan on living together. Maybe it is too soon and maybe we are rushing but as mature adults, we can make that decision if we choose to. As far as my job goes, I work pt from home because I go to school ft and I finish in Dec. So either way I haven't started my career yet. It's not out of the question, but the consensus is that you really don't know someone well enough at that point. If I can ask, is it a cultural thing dictating that getting married and conceiving is par for the course at three months? Why wouldn't you want to finish school first? Did your first marriage occur on such a fast track? Not scolding, just curious. Ninja makes good points, and maybe the little voice in your head is telling you to be more cautious. 1
CptSaveAho Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) She knows exactly what shes doing EXACTLY.... dont let her "story" fool you... Ninja has made many posts about how many women play victim... innocent by-standard in scenarios... this thread is the beginning of that mentality... "we talked about it early so it was ok at the time" Edited September 10, 2013 by CptSaveAho
FitChick Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Will you be renting out your house during that time? Why are you moving in with him and not the reverse?
Author zanesfan Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 My first marriage was sudden. We lived in different states and saw each other once a week every month. After 9 months he proposed and 3 months later we married. I was only 21 at the time and my marriage was very rocky. After 2 years we separated then divorced. I'm not sure if i ever loved him because we really didn't know each other. Fast forward ten years later. I am now pushing 31 and my boyfriend and I have lived together one month over the summer. We always spend at least 4 nights a week together and talk every night. We've been on trips together and they worked out fine. We do have disagreements but we work them out. Since my divorce I've been relying solely on me. I've always had to do things myself. Now this guy comes along and I'm scared I will feel worthless until I find a job. Its gonna feel weird having someone take care of me while I'm looking for work.
CarrieT Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Maybe it is too soon and maybe we are rushing but as mature adults, we can make that decision if we choose to. How old are you guys? I'm approaching fifty and my BF and I didn't discuss living together until we had known each other a full year. In my youth, I would move in with guys in very short order and it always failed. Now I'm pragmatic in need to go through all four seasons with someone before co-habitating. 1
Author zanesfan Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Will you be renting out your house during that time? Why are you moving in with him and not the reverse? We live 40 minutes away and he has been at his job for the past 10 years And he is finishing up school in May, my sons dad lives close by, and there are many opportunities there.
MidwestUSA Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OP, you yourself expressed concern in a prior thread "how well do you know someone after just two months?", or words to that effect. What have you learned in another month that is convincing you to consider this leap? OTOH, you're talking about moving in mid December, so you'll have doubled your relationship time by then. This is coming from someone who cohabitated at the seven week mark, so is it possible to know? Sure. Make a list of the pros and cons of doing so, and make sure you have a backup plan should it not work out. Keep the best interests of your son in mind. Good luck! (Carrie, love the four seasons comment. I'm definitely doing things differently this winter!)
Author zanesfan Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 How old are you guys? I'm approaching fifty and my BF and I didn't discuss living together until we had known each other a full year. In my youth, I would move in with guys in very short order and it always failed. Now I'm pragmatic in need to go through all four seasons with someone before co-habitating., I will be 31 soon and he is 33. I haven't considered moving out to live with anyone until now.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You would think someone with a child would think about this kind of thing for A LOT longer than 3 months. You have to be insane. Lol. What possesses you to think moving in with someone so soon is a good idea?????? Of course you're scared! You barely know the man and you're uprooting your child for him and your entire life. Bad move, especially so soon. I seriously think you need to reassess your living situation NEXT December, and completely disregard the thought of moving in with him after 6 months of dating. The fact that there is a child involved sickens me. Are you thinking about your child at all??????????????? This is very strange behaviour for a MOTHER after only dating a man for 3 months. You are a mommy first and a girlfriend second. 4
heartshaped Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You are simply making the same mistake all over again. Before you said you didn't know your ex husband long before marrying, I had already surmised as much. Some people do not understand that you cannot know someone well enough in less than a year to make such life altering decisions. If you are worried about it and have a child as well, you should not be moving in with this man. You have only known him for three months...really, what are you thinking? 1
TheGuard13 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Your anxiety is your gut telling you that you're not ready. I would think about it in depth for a while longer. Three months is pretty early.
snowflakes88 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I didn't know that after 3 months, talks of living together was out of the question. Besides don't people get married and conceive during this time? Who are these people? LOL. That is super soon to be talking about moving in together, IMO. At 3 months, you are likely still dealing with each others' representatives. I'd say to do what you feel and deal with the consequences later if it were just you, but I think uprooting your child and moving him in with a man you hardly know yourself is irresponsible -- particularly where the two of you will be dependent on him for financial support, at least for a time. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I would really think twice about this. I think your "worried" feeling is your intuition kicking in. I wouldn't ignore it. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I'm sorry, I try not to be too judgmental a person. I'm generally pretty accepting of people's decisions and choices, including when they significantly differ from how I'd act in a certain circumstance. But... You have been dating a man for 12 weeks (84 days) and you are planning on moving your CHILD in with him before the year is out? What is wrong with you? Do you think your son needs to experience his Mommy taking him to live with a strange man he's barely known five minutes? Do you have any idea what kind of psychological damage you might inflict upon him? What does your son's father think about this? 2
FitChick Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 You may spend time with this man every week, but how much time does your son spend with him? He may not like having a kid around all the time. Would you be willing to have your son live with his dad? That might be a good compromise. I'd suggest not selling house. Rent it out so you have income while you are cohabitating with this man. If things go sour, you will still have a place to live. 4
snowflakes88 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Send her son to live elsewhere just in case her bf of 3 months doesn't like having kids around? Is this real life?
soccerrprp Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I don't feel good about this...only 3-months??? You are giving up a lot. A house, car, etc. Does your bf say to sell the house and move in with you? I would try to rent it out like fitchick suggests. Don't give up on the house, your independence for this fledgling of a relationship....
kaylan Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) Send her son to live elsewhere just in case her bf of 3 months doesn't like having kids around? Is this real life? To live with his FATHER, who according to OP, lives close by. If I had a child and was separated from his/her mother, I would NOT want my kid living with some strange man that my ex barely knows. And YES, he is a strange man to me when I dont know who the guy is and my ex has barely been dating this guy for any amount of time to truly vet him. This is something Id go to family court over personally. Especially with how some people out there treat kids. Young kids ALWAYS come first when it comes to a parents dating life. At least thats how I will treat things if Im ever a single parent. Id want my kids to be acquainted with someone I was dating for at least half a year before I even slightly thought about bringing them into my household. And that 6 months doesnt count the month or two Id be dating them before I let them meet my kids. Id at least wanna get to know them on my own for a couple months before getting my kids in the mix. Edited September 11, 2013 by kaylan
ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) I didn't know that after 3 months, talks of living together was out of the question. Besides don't people get married and conceive during this time? We are talking about it. We haven't done anything yet. And yes after 6 months we plan on living together. Maybe it is too soon and maybe we are rushing but as mature adults, we can make that decision if we choose to. As far as my job goes, I work pt from home because I go to school ft and I finish in Dec. So either way I haven't started my career yet. "Oops" babies happen in 3 months. Planned pregnancies rarely happen in 3 months. As whacky as it sounds to me, people also seem to get married simply because they're having a baby. If I wont marry you without children, I certainly wont when we do have them. That would make a bad situation, worse. In reality, people usually wait longer than 3 months and are often still feeling each others pulse, not planning on living together and planning on getting married. You barely know this guy. I will say, if you want to know him, live with him. That'll teach you all about him. I wish you were without child so you could experiment with your own life, without affecting said child. Too bad you're a mother though as you have to put someone's needs before your own. If you didn't have a child, have a blast and ruin your life however you please. It is just not all about what you want now though. You are a mother and NO, most people, let alone mothers, aren't talking living together/getting married that soon. To give you some frame of reference, my H and I moved in together after 2 years of dating and were engaged a year later. I guess my standpoint is, WHAT'S THE RUSH????? If he is perfect in every way, you want to marry him, you want to live with him, what harm does it do to take more time to make sure its the right choice? It may do a LOT of harm to rush into things though. There is no risk involved in waiting. There is a huge risk involved in not waiting. So tell us, whats the huge rush? If he's the man you are meant to be with, he will be there in 1 year and he will be there in 4 years and 23 years, etc. If hes not.going anywhere anyway, whats the difference between being married for 25 years instead of 27? Or cohabiting for 25 years, not 27? If its right, it will still be right next December when you approach the subject of living together. Next December though... k? You should feel uneasy about this. I would think you had completely lost it, had your gut not been telling you this stuff. Who the hell are these people who get married and have babies (purposely) after.only 3 months? How old are these people? How old are you? It seems very childish and immature and speaks to the kind of people you associate with if this is "normal," in any sense of the word. Please reconsider. I mean, it wont affect me in the slightest but it will certainly change your life in a big way. It may be a great thing for you and your son. I just hope you give it more time, and certainly more thought. Edited September 11, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1
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