What to tell people, really?

[Betterthanthis13]

Going forward, how should I speak of this breakup/ last relationship to people in my life? I can't keep avoiding questions and dodging people forever.

 

I have given you people of LS all the horrible, sordid details of xbf's serial cheating and sex addiction disgustingness, but I am not really feeling the need to discuss it with everyday people in my life outside of a few close friends. It's mortifying. So with work contacts, future boyfriends, regular friends, acquaintances, etc.... How do I handle the question "Why did you break up? I really like him! You seemed so great together!"

 

Without lying, but without turning my life into a soap opera. Or turning myself into the butt of gossip on a topic most people have no real clue about. I don't want any pity, either. Also take into consideration he lives less than one mile from me and it is guaranteed he is saying all kinds of atrocious things about me to anyone who will listen to his sorry ass. We have many contacts in common. Up until now I have been choosing to live the life of a hermit and avoid everyone. Any suggestions?

 

High road, people...

 

But I welcome funny jokes too

[underwater2010]

Just say that screwed around and that is not what you want in a long term partner. Its the truth!!!

[BetrayedH]

I tell people that I divorced my wife because I didn't like her boyfriend.

 

It tells the basic truth without all of the sordid details. The conversation is typically a brief one.

[Betterthanthis13]

Just say that screwed around and that is not what you want in a long term partner. Its the truth!!!

 

I'm thinking that's the right thing, just keep it simple,

 

"He was screwing around, and I kicked him out. Nope, I am not discussing any details. Next topic"

 

For some reason I have an aversion to telling people he was cheating on me. I am not sure why that is. Maybe because people always seem to blame the person being cheated on.

 

Another thing I have to prepare for, because people are small minded and petty and like to start trouble.

 

"Oh really? He said he broke up with you because you blah blah blah"

 

And it will be something completely insane. I will have to keep my composure and laugh at this.

 

Ugh I might not be ready for all this yet.

 

I guess I could just say,

 

"I do not want to talk about it" to anyone that asks why we broke up. But ughhhhhhh that is so weak, and makes it look like whatever nonsense he is saying might be true. I should just move.

[Betterthanthis13]

I tell people that I divorced my wife because I didn't like her boyfriend.

 

It tells the basic truth without all of the sordid details. The conversation is typically a brief one.

 

Using sarcastic humor is good, that works for me and my personality and delivered with some direct eye contact might thwart any follow up questions. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

[BetrayedH]

Keep in mind that your friends that believe your side of the story will support you. And those that don't, don't matter.

 

I don't feel any shame for my exwife's cheating. She had ethical choices before her: fix the marriage or leave. She chose to repeatedly have sex with someone else instead. That's on her. My real friends get that. And again, those that don't get it, don't matter.

[ChooseTruth]

You could also be honest and say that you don't want to go into it. Then you've got license to only say what you feel comfortable saying. I can usually sum up my situation pretty quickly if I feel the need, "She wasn't faithful, wouldn't quit a class she went to with the other guy." People don't often really want to hear much more than that anyway. It's a pretty uncomfortable topic. I could just say the first 3 words of that sentence actually, but for me that second part was where it really died.

[Betterthanthis13]

I've had less trouble preparing what I was going to say and been less nervous about speaking in front of 200 people. I've been on stages, given presentations for work, introduced bands at concerts, MC'd events... This is pathetic lol

[dichotomy]

Going forward, how should I speak of this breakup/ last relationship to people in my life? I can't keep avoiding questions and dodging people forever.

 

I have given you people of LS all the horrible, sordid details of xbf's serial cheating and sex addiction disgustingness, but I am not really feeling the need to discuss it with everyday people in my life outside of a few close friends. It's mortifying. So with work contacts, future boyfriends, regular friends, acquaintances, etc.... How do I handle the question "Why did you break up? I really like him! You seemed so great together!"

 

Without lying, but without turning my life into a soap opera. Or turning myself into the butt of gossip on a topic most people have no real clue about. I don't want any pity, either. Also take into consideration he lives less than one mile from me and it is guaranteed he is saying all kinds of atrocious things about me to anyone who will listen to his sorry ass. We have many contacts in common. Up until now I have been choosing to live the life of a hermit and avoid everyone. Any suggestions?

 

High road, people...

 

But I welcome funny jokes too

 

 

Well this is a problem then isn't it. Do yo have proof he is bad mouthing you? from your many contacts you share?

 

The kindest thing I could think to say (if I was you) was "oh Phillip is such a free sprit, I wanted more commitment (or wanted a more serious relationship) then he could handle right now, he needs to be free to have his fun at this stage in his life"..... This may leave them asking more - but I would continue to just say you both wanted different things right now - and smile and say silly things like "Oh I guess I am too old fashioned, and need and old fashioned kind of guy, not a romeo" - and change the subject quickly.

 

However if he is bad mouthing you - you need to counter it and not be so nice. If you have and proof you may need to put it out there if he refuses to stop.

[Betterthanthis13]

I think I can handle delivering a one liner to shut people down- and I don't care what dumb strangers think, I have no control over gossip...

 

I think what I am afraid of is learning what he has been saying, and having it catch me off guard and I freak out. I want to be prepared for any crazy thing somebody says to me, so I can react with,

 

"Oh, really? Hahahahaha" without falling over and my eyeballs popping out of my head in anger

[KathyM]

How do I handle the question "Why did you break up? I really like him! You seemed so great together!"

Keep it short and sweet: "Because I came to my senses and realized I deserved better."

 

You don't owe anybody details of why you broke up.

[Owl]

Friend: "I really liked him!".

 

You: "Me too! Right up until I found out he was a cheating bastage!".

 

Pretty simple really. His flaws are not YOUR flaws...just because he cheated, it doesn't make it something wrong with YOU. Keep that in mind!

[Betterthanthis13]

Well this is a problem then isn't it. Do yo have proof he is bad mouthing you? from your many contacts you share?

 

The kindest thing I could think to say (if I was you) was "oh Phillip is such a free sprit, I wanted more commitment (or wanted a more serious relationship) then he could handle right now, he needs to be free to have his fun at this stage in his life"..... This may leave them asking more - but I would continue to just say you both wanted different things right now - and smile and say silly things like "Oh I guess I am too old fashioned, and need and old fashioned kind of guy, not a romeo" - and change the subject quickly.

 

However if he is bad mouthing you - you need to counter it and not be so nice. If you have and proof you may need to put it out there if he refuses to stop.

 

I've been avoiding everyone so I don't know yet. I locked down my social media and blocked and deleted him and anyone in his family, his close friends, etc. in July or whenever I made him leave, and have been keeping company with my roommate and close friends only. Switched gyms, grocery stores, stopped going to any social events he could possibly be at, avoid avoid avoid

 

I have a good idea of what he is probably saying based on what he said to me the day he showed up here last week, and from our text war one night a couple weeks ago

 

And yes, I have PLENTY of evidence. I have a whole file of screenshots in a photo stream on iCloud that I saved when he let me go through his phone in June.

[Betterthanthis13]

Keep it short and sweet: "Because I came to my senses and realized I deserved better."

 

You don't owe anybody details of why you broke up.

 

I do like this. Vague and truthful. Very high road.

[jnel921]

It's really no one's business but your own. I have learned my own lesson about this as you will get unwarranted advice or opinions.

 

Move forward and say nothing about it. All you need to say is that it didn't work out.

[dichotomy]

 

I have a good idea of what he is probably saying based on what he said to me the day he showed up here last week, and from our text war one night a couple weeks ago

 

 

I would put out some inquiries through 2nd or 3rd parties if you know them.

 

If you don't mind me asking

 

- what what are his demented views that he might be putting out there? Could it really be that bad? or come back to some new guy you might meet?

[Betterthanthis13]

This is a lot of personal info for LS, I hesitate to write this...but whats the worst thing that can happen....maybe this will help you guys help me better, and understand why I am so focused on this.

 

 

OK.... he is telling people I've had a psychotic break, a mental breakdown...... that I started secretly drinking or using drugs earlier this year, but he is not sure, that despite his best efforts to get through to me I was hopeless, that I am a compulsive liar and will not admit I have a substance abuse problem. He feels very sorry for me.

 

He is also claiming that my ADHD is misdiagnosed and that that he thinks I am bipolar or schizophrenic, and that the medication I take is fueling my psychosis, causing me to have extreme paranoia. He has also concocted a story in which I have done something particularly cruel and slutty with a friend of his who has conveniently moved out of the country.

 

Of course, these are all his opinions, he can't be sure... he is very careful not to ever say anything that could get him in trouble for slander.

[Betterthanthis13]

Lol. I think I will just develop agoraphobia. This is too much.

[dichotomy]

I am sorry, this is horribe stuff to say.

 

Of course they are not far from the typical - "my ex is crazy" crap most cheaters or abusers will say to cover their rear ends. This way if you claim something about him - they will dismiss you as not having a good grasp on reality. Also to get themselves sympathy "oh your such a good person to have tired to care for your ex and save them".

 

Even if you take meds for ADHD or depression or bipolar - so do many people (I used meds for a few years). It normal.

[Betterthanthis13]

I am sorry, this is horribe stuff to say.

 

Of course they are not far from the typical - "my ex is crazy" crap most cheaters or abusers will say to cover their rear ends. This way if you claim something about him - they will dismiss you as not having a good grasp on reality. Also to get themselves sympathy "oh your such a good person to have tired to care for your ex and save them".

 

Even if you take meds for ADHD or depression or bipolar - so do many people (I used meds for a few years). It normal.

 

Well, the thing about ADHD is that the most commonly prescribed med is adderal, which is an amphetamine... which I do NOT take. So what he is saying is without merit anyway, but that isn't the point. I'm not bipolar or schitzophrenic, I'm not on any depression meds, I've been taking the same measly medication for ADHD in the same dose for years. It is non narcotic. Also, if I have 10 drinks in a year, that is a lot for me. So, whatever..... It's just his way of preemptively making sure that if I do say anything to anyone about him being a cheater or sex addict, now they already have it in their head that I am struggling with substance abuse and mental health issues, so I must be making up these atrocious lies about Golden Boy... so annoying.

[velvette]

This is a lot of personal info for LS, I hesitate to write this...but whats the worst thing that can happen....maybe this will help you guys help me better, and understand why I am so focused on this.

 

 

OK.... he is telling people I've had a psychotic break, a mental breakdown...... that I started secretly drinking or using drugs earlier this year, but he is not sure, that despite his best efforts to get through to me I was hopeless, that I am a compulsive liar and will not admit I have a substance abuse problem. He feels very sorry for me.

 

He is also claiming that my ADHD is misdiagnosed and that that he thinks I am bipolar or schizophrenic, and that the medication I take is fueling my psychosis, causing me to have extreme paranoia. He has also concocted a story in which I have done something particularly cruel and slutty with a friend of his who has conveniently moved out of the country.

 

Of course, these are all his opinions, he can't be sure... he is very careful not to ever say anything that could get him in trouble for slander.

 

You cant really control what he tells people. Are these people that you care about? If not, I would just ignore. If they say any of this stuff, just laugh and say "You are kidding, right? The truth is I broke up with him because I caught him cheating with multiple women. End of story."

 

If there are people you do care about, set the record straight with them when you are ready. Its really up to you who to tell what and how much. He will eventually look like a fool spreading that story around if you are out and about with your head held high acting sane lol.

[Betterthanthis13]

Maybe I'll just go with it the other way.

 

Nosy annoying prying person: "Oh hey! What happened? I heard you and xbf broke up? Are you ok??"

 

BTT: "Yes... I am good, thanks. Well, I thought I was ok- I was happy to get rid of the cheating scumbag....But then I heard I was having a mental breakdown and some sort of addiction problem. Did you know about this? I'm trying to find out more information."

[Coolit]

First, you need to work on it not being mortifying. He alone should feel that way. You had nothing to do with his cheating. I don't know how my husband does it but he is completely free of feeling any self condemnation over my A. I asked him why he was feeling so free of it compared of the usual I read on here. He told me simply. "You cheated, not me." He just is really confident I gather. So I would say you need to work on your self esteem.

 

Second, I don't know who you associate with but where I live no one ever defends the cheater unless they are the OP. They always side with what the BS chooses (though there are some who disagree with third, fourth, fifth chances). The only cases I know of where the BS has got any flack is when minors are involved in the situation and yet they stay beside their WS/pervert.

 

Third, I think that you will probably answer on the moment and will no what you feel comfortable saying or not saying.

[Betterthanthis13]

Nosy person : "I heard you guys broke up! Are you ok?"

 

BTT "No. I am not ok.... I just found out I have amnesia. I'm pretty upset about it"

 

Nosy person "What?"

 

BTT "Seriously... The last thing I remember is kicking his sorry ass out for cheating on me... but apparently since then I've had a mental breakdown, become schizophrenic and developed a drug addiction. I can't remember a thing. I don't even know what kind of drugs I'm addicted to. Do you know any good doctors?"

 

Nosy person "Umm ok weirdo"

[Steadfast]

Truth is, most of your shared friends and family have already been told, as you mentioned. They'll ask you to see if your story matches what they've heard.

 

It's called drama, and people love it. Some friends and family will use your suffering for entertainment. It'll be a hot topic until the next juicy tidbit comes along. You'll continue to work through it, but those who participated in the drama will be the first to say "Aren't you over that yet? Move on."

 

They'll say that because it's not fun and exciting anymore. These are the same people that slow down and gawk at an accident on the highway.

 

Those that truly love you and do not use your troubles to feel better about themselves will be there when you need them. Patient and supporting.

 

Find out who is who and answer accordingly. To the latter group simply say "It didn't work out" and to the rest, express yourself as needed.