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Dealing with the guilt. Breaking a girls heart.


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Posted

So I have recently broken up with my first love, my best friend for the last 2 years, and trust me it was the hardest thing I have ever done - we had spent some wonderful time together but it has all got too much for me.

 

She has suffered with an illness that eventually came between us, I have also been dealing with starting a new job which I hate.

 

The first year was great, I guess it was the honeymoon period. We went on holiday together, concerts, cinema. You name it, we did it. Memories that I will never forget. She was diagnosed with an illness around a year into the relationship, I don't want to disclose what it was as it is not fair on her but it was life changing whilst she had it, but fixable - she was pretty much in denial that she had it, she still tried to carry on as normal which would work for a short period, but soon became very tired and her moods changed frequently. This had a strain on our relationship, I went to every doctors appointment, every hospital visit and whenever she felt run down or poorly I would be there.

 

She started to recover but I noticed a change in her. She became very snappy and wasn't as upbeat on life as she once was. Still had all of the ideas with marriage, kids, house and travelling, but she didn't seem as excited as she used to. I put this down to the illness, I could tell she was trying to hide it but instead of seeking help, she just boxed it up inside and tried to carry on as normal.

 

This was hard to deal with, we started arguing more and I would frequently ask her to seek medical help but she would always decline, which hurt.

 

This started to get me down, I had recently changed job which I didn't enjoy so was finding it tough, mixed in with my girlfriend being poorly made it 10x worse.

 

We separated for a few weeks whilst I got my head sorted out. She was heartbroken and I was racked with guilt, I missed her a lot so I started things over again. First few weeks it was great, we started dating again and I fell in love all over again, or did I? was it just the fact I was lonely where I wasn't used to it?

 

After those few weeks of us being back together, I started to doubt everything again, she was still hiding her illness and my job was still getting me down. I needed to think about myself, every day i would wake up and feel low, dread going to work and not look forward to seeing her. I put a brave face on for her which when I took it upon me to end the relationship for good and sort myself out, she took it as an all mighty shock. I needed to sort my career out and my well being, then think about relationships again.

 

The issue now is where it has been a few weeks, I have started to miss her again, started to wish we were doing what we used to and miss having a laugh and a joke. I know that this is just where I was used to having her around and getting into a routine. I did see her everyday for 2 years.

 

She can't understand my reasons for why I broke up with her, she's adamant that there is someone else and that I have moved on but I haven't. I still care for her a lot. I really built a great relationship with her family and I work with several members of it which makes my working life even worse than it was before because naturally they have sided with her which I understand.

 

I would like some advice on how to deal with the guilt that I have, anyone had a similar experience? She was my first real relationship and I was convinced that she was the one. I just feel horrible for doing what I did, and the thought of seeing her with someone else kills me inside.

 

Any help is much appreciated.

Posted

You've made the decision best for yourself. You can't fix her and it's not your job to. The issue would still be there if you went back and you'd go through this cycle time and time again. Unless the issue is fixed, not her illness mind you, but her reaction to it, this cycle will continue the same pattern.

 

Don't beat yourself up for picking your own happiness. You treated her right and really gave it your best, but you can't sacrifice your own happiness when she's not putting the relationship first by seeking the correct treatment.

 

It's hard now, but with time and not having contact, you'll find that your decision will be the best for your own future.

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Posted

After we broke up, I felt this huge amount of relief, like a weight off of my shoulders, and for the first time in a long time, I was positive about my life.

 

Two weeks on from it and iv'e sunk to my lowest. I feel so incredibly lonely, My days drag and I look forward to getting into bed at night - I can't for the life of me work out if it's because I genuinely miss her, or whether I miss female company. I was in a routine, work, then go and see her. Now I don't have that, iv'e moved in with a friend for a period just to help me get over everything. I just fear that I'm never going to find someone who cared for me as much as she did.

 

What makes it harder is that she keeps using social network to get at me, make me feel guilty and generally showing signs of her getting over all of this - I'm getting worse yet it was me that made the decision. How can this be? Am I suffering from a form of depression? Was I scared to settle down when the relationship got serious? or do is this just my body telling me she isn't the one?

 

Life is rubbish sometimes.

Posted

Delete all your social networking accounts, that takes care of it.

 

And it takes awhile to get out of a routine. You have cut yourself off from something that was a constant part of your life, whether good or bad, and it causes withdrawl symptoms. You will go through ups and downs for awhile, but you know you made the best decision for your future and you have to keep that in mind.

 

Don't live in fear, and don't stay with someone because you fear you won't find anyone better. If you're not with someone who makes you happy, then you shouldn't be with them. You were unhappy for a long time, and the fact that you felt a big relief when it ended says everything.

Posted

It's normal to hurt after such a long and meaningful relationship. You want the good ol' times back, when you were both happy, but it doesn't work that way. You're supposed to want HER, with her snappy fits, mood swing changes, and all, and think that even when the relationship was at it's lowest, you were still more happy with her, that without her.

 

I trust that is not the case.

 

Letting go an moving on is the hardest part, mate.

You may hate me for it, but start doing what you like - hobbies, things you didn't do in a long time, focus on a career change, just stay busy with things that give YOU pleasure. And start dating other people. It'll feel weird, even terrible, at the beginning, but I bet that after one or two dates, your perspective will change.

 

Be strong and do not go for the easy way out. Be happy for yourself, and by yourself.

 

cheers

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