Girlfriend gets mad all the time

[iambored]

So this post is not to complain about her, but rather to help me understand why she gets mad all the time?

 

Some background:

We've been "together" for one year. By that I mean I met her in China a year ago while on vacation, have been talking to her online everyday ever since. Earlier this year I visited her and even her family when I went to China for vacation. A few months ago I officially left the US to come be with her in China. We have been living together ever since I moved here. I'm 30 and shes 26. I've had a few GFs and dated a few girls in my lifetime. While she's only dated 2 guys and had one BF prior to me.

 

She would basically nitpick about everything I do and don't do. Like for example clothes has to be washed a certain way (even my clothes). One time we had a big fight where she complained that I was selfish because I washed my own clothes first instead of washing hers with mine; even though I basically just quickly grabbed a bag of dirty clothes and threw it in the washer before we went out (which in fact did have some of her clothes in it..). She would complain about me "not doing enough" for her, such as getting her flowers, planning special nights out, surprising her by cooking her dinner etc. **just FYI I have since done many of the above**. I have since cooked many meals for her, but one time I got home late and cooked a late dinner; which instead of thanking me for the meal she complained that if I was going to come home so late, I shouldn't cook and make her eat a late dinner on a work night, instead we should just go out to eat. Earlier tonight she told me she threw a liter of cola away (it was still 40% full). I said why throw it away and waste it? Then she said because it was out of air and wasn't good anymore, plus soda is bad for health. We rarely drink soda and I was raised to not waste anything so I questioned her logic. After asking her a few time about why she is wasting things, she got all angry and went out for a few hour walk.

 

Another thing is I had no friends here for the longest time (new to this country and all, plus I don't speak Chinese), and finally made some very good short term friends in school. So before they were leaving back to their countries when school finished, I went out with them a lot (always inviting my GF to come along). She got angry at me for going out so much. Anyway they are gone now, and now she says I need to go out more and make more friends.

 

One last thing is, finding work here has been a little tough, but I keep on looking every day. She always says she has to save money because I dont have a job (even though I pay for 80% of everything outside of 50/50 on rent) and we both knew it would be tough for me to find a job if I moved here (I left a pretty good paying job back home to come here..). She always says that she works hard every day and I just sit at home and "play".

 

With all this said, I'm a fairly calm and level headed guy. I'm also very logical even for a male. I rarely complain about anything about her. My biggest complaint to her is in fact that she complains too much and everything about me. I never really brought up anything else. And I actually don't have much to complain about her? Maybe I am too nice and experienced to know that not everybody is perfect..

 

Any idea what's going on in her mind? Everytime we have an argument she always brings up 'thats the difference between men and women' or 'thats the difference between chinese and american culture'. (I'm Chinese too btw, just raised in America). I think its a real cop out and that she has much more issues than just that. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.

[Philosoraptor]

What's your reason for sticking around? She's obviously got a bad temper and doesn't have much respect for you. Along with that, she's controlling, selfish, and unsympathetic.

 

I'd call it a swing and a miss to leave a good paying job to go to another country and be with a controlling woman. She's not happy and she's never going to be happy. Unless you want to deal with this the rest of your life you are better off leaving. If you want to stay, then stand your ground and let her know how it is. You don't have to roll over and be conflict free. If she keeps complaining and tries to spin everything back on you... you'll know you're dealing with someone unwilling to compromise as well.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just seems obvious that she's griping about everything and making it into a bigger deal than it is because she's having a hard time with the overall situation of adjusting to living with you and negotiating the circumstances of having to get adapt to being in a relationship with someone, one that is more dependent than she'd like you to be...as with some women they like a bit of initiative and ability even under circumstances which are nearly impossible, they don't focus on the logic of it but rather the want or desire, most women aren't inclined by reason alone...even if it makes "sense" it doesn't mean that's what they're happy with, and often times they're just unhappy with themselves or just expect you to be their emotional tampon.

 

I wouldn't take everything so personal to a degree, It can be difficult for some people to go through that transition especially when they're not really used to that kind of living situation or they just want things immediately to change and be different...I know that some women can be very much living in the now and they think they know what they want and are asking for but once the circumstances actually materialize then they have a change of heart because they didn't have a realistic gauge for how they would feel without being in the situation...she might have been so focused on you actually getting there and the fantasy of it all, that all she was concerned about was getting you there before she could really think about anything else.

 

I'm just giving you some general overall advice that you can give or take for whatever applies to you in your situation, however I think she's got her own issues as well that you've yet to understand about her...after all you've only known her through the internet really.

 

Moving over there was probably not the greatest idea, hopefully you at least have a backup plan...it's going to put a lot of pressure and stress on her shoulders and ultimately she's likely to want you to do more or better....depending on what her expectations of a man and the influence of her culture and the norm.

 

I would imagine she expects you to be the breadwinner and she just kind of works and bring sin her own income, while you wine and dine her or treat her like a princess...I think she ultimately wants you to be something you are not or in the situation to provide and if she doesn't channel her frustrations or become reasonable through compromise and understanding....sounds like you're in for a long ride buddy.

 

Whatever you do, don't knock her up.

 

Stand up to her, stop bending backwards....when she's being a b!tch and unreasonable just ignore it and do your best not to let it control you or influence you too much, when you know you're right and being fair and she's being unreasonable don't just try and do better...wash your clothes the way you want, wash your @ss with one then toss in her laundry...seriously though, fk that...there's got to be a place to draw the line and if you let her eat up you up she's going to make you her b!tch.

 

She's not trying to really work with you she's just frustrated and agitated and nothing you can do anyway so it'll be a waste of your time. She's testing the boundaries and seeing what you're letting her get away with, you're being easily to manipulate and she knows how to exploit that, you can be sure she's going to use that to her advantage.

 

If you can't at least solidify some respect in the relationship for yourself, she's going to walk all over you and jab at you all day long and they'll be nothing you can do even if you tried to do everything the way she wanted...she's not concerned with your happiness or what you're going through or at least considering that, so just stay focused and try to achieve some independence there, but likes I said...whatever you do, don't get more invested with this woman by making babies..then she's going to have you by the balls and she's going to talk even more shet to you.

[Keenly]

Best advice you will get out of this thread is this:

 

 

Nothing you EVER do will be good enough for this woman. You can bust your ass and bend over backwards and she will be that bitch that says "you missed a spot, here let me do it so I can do it RIGHT"

 

 

Shes being a little brat and your falling right into doormat mode. Don't put up with that crap.

[mikei880]

Do not try to understand what someone else is thinking or why they are acting the way they are. She has exposed herself for what she is. Your question is, am I going to stay and deal with this in the best way I can or does your self respect tell you to get out. There a lot of women out there.my opinion is to find that woman you deserve and will respect you... good luck!

[Jbum5]

Answer:

 

She has a set of expectations that are very difficult to fulfill, and you can't seem to live up to it and/or she was raised in an environment where she was spoiled by her family (especially likely to be true if she's an only child), and you just aren't up to par.

 

Note that the latter is actually a very common trend in Asia nowadays so it's not surprising - many of the women there are "taken care of" (spoiled) so well that they fail to operate on their own.

 

So once they move out into the real world, the "duties" that were formerly up to the family are now on your shoulders (the boyfriend).

 

If you can keep up, just ignore the madness and do your thing (be aloof) assuming she is otherwise a girl you'd like to stay with. If you run out of breath, you might consider communicating to her about how these things make you feel before you lose your patience.