whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Sweetz. I'm glad things are on the upswing! I wish you both the best!
Author Sweetz Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by whichwayisup LOL...maybe I should change careers and become a counselor? Hehehe, be afraid...be VERY afraid! Owl, you WOULD be great at it as you always use the right words and never belittle anyone. You have respect yet you tell it as you see it. Honest and from the heart. That's nice when one is looking for some real support. Ditto that. That is exactly the reason I found your posts so helpful. You cut to the chase with honesty and not judgment.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Sweetz, You've done a very brave thing. I have no doubt that coming clean about everything was incredibly difficult. And I echo what I said previously: you came clean not because you had no choice, but because you wanted to. That took guts. There are two things to bear in mind from this point forward, though I expect you're aware of them already: 1) Your husband will have some serious ups and downs over the next several months. Even as much as a couple of years from now, he will still have days like that. You must weather the storm if you want your marriage to survive, but it sounds as though you do want that and are prepared to do that. 2) Your husband must be a fine man to give you a second chance, and I think you agree with that. He's a keeper -- hold onto him. It will hurt you to see him so obviously going through the pain he's experiencing now and will continue to experience. But, in the midst of it all, the best thing you can do for him is to devote yourself to your marriage and to your life with him. Healing will take time, but it will happen a lot faster since you're going to be there, fighting for the marriage side by side with him. I wish you the best, and I wish all former wayward spouses were as strong as you. RD
Author Sweetz Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Well as much as I'd like to admit that I came clean for his sake, I'd have to say the primary reason for doing it is because deep down in my heart, it was killing me. For the last two years, I have not been a happy woman despite all the great things going on in my life. I couldn't pin point why until now. It was due greatly to the guilt that I was carrying around everytime I looked into my husband's eyes. It just ripped my heart out knowing that we were both so confused about our marriage and couldn't graps quite why. And he deserved better than that, much better than that. We both did. Yet I continued to feed into that guilt monster on a regular basis by continuing my forbidden behavior. I felt like I could never break that cycle that I had caused. Well, I realize this is just step one. We will have good days and we will have bad days. I embrace them all. I know that marriage is not always peachy but that deep down, we can work through anything. I could sit here and question why he didn't react differently to the news but I'm not. I am just grateful he has been there for me and continues to be there for me. I'd be nothing short of stupid to ruin it now.
InThisSkinAgain Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Sweetz, I feel ya. I had an affair a few years ago, and KNEW this guy was a schmuck compared to my sweet husband. But he told me I was hot and acted like he couldn't wait to get his hands on me. THAT FELT SO FREAKING GOOD AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE. It totally tapped into that side of me that was sad about any shortcoming in mine and my husband's relationship. The rush was amazing. The fallout was terrible. The marriage is shaky at times. Memories are long, and I hurt my husband badly. Memories are long, Lord forgive me if I miss that rush sometimes.
Author Sweetz Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by InThisSkinAgain Sweetz, I feel ya. I had an affair a few years ago, and KNEW this guy was a schmuck compared to my sweet husband. But he told me I was hot and acted like he couldn't wait to get his hands on me. THAT FELT SO FREAKING GOOD AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE. It totally tapped into that side of me that was sad about any shortcoming in mine and my husband's relationship. The rush was amazing. The fallout was terrible. The marriage is shaky at times. Memories are long, and I hurt my husband badly. Memories are long, Lord forgive me if I miss that rush sometimes. You have described exactly what I went through and how I feel. I have to work on this daily so that I am not put back into a situation where I will fall numb to someone like this again in the future. Thanks Skin.
Owl Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 Sweetz- Hadn't seen a post in a few days...how goes the life friend? Have you all started counseling yet? Hope its going well...drop us an update!
Author Sweetz Posted December 8, 2004 Author Posted December 8, 2004 Things are going swell to say the least. Counseling starts in 3 weeks for me individually. With that aside though, we are doing terrific. I think that I clouded my vision of what I truly had in my marriage because I was always so preoccupied with the OM and when and how we were suppose to meet. Almost like a drug addict seeking out their next high that they just block out all other reality and live in this bubble that is then your reality. My husband has been great. He always has been. I just didn't allow myself to see it until I allowed myself too. I have good days and bad days, but mostly good days, so that's thrilling. There are going to be rough days ahead but I am ready for the ride. Thanks for asking Owl.
TMCM Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Sweets, I'm glad to hear that things are going well and I just want to add one or more points for you to consider, if I may. Reservoirdog1 is right in that your H will go through the dreaded 'emotional rollercoaster' and what you must keep in mind is that on those down days, you should not take any lashing out of his as a sign that the marriage is doomed. If he truly wanted to leave you he would have done so after he found out about your first affair. If you always keep in mind that recovery [personal and marital] is a one day at a time process that cannot and should not be rushed, then you will have the proper attitude to weather the bleak days. Lastly, it is extremely important that you convey to your H your desire to be a complete open book to him, not as a sign of submission but as a sign of your caring for his wellbeing. Even if he doesn't ask you, take proactive measures by always telling where you are, with who you are, what you will be doing, when you will be back [and not arrive home one minute late]. Give him all your passwords to your e-mail, cell phone, etc. Also inform him of ALL unpleasant situations and encounters you may have with people like the OM. All of this will not only help your H inmensely in his recovery [these actions will speak louder than any words on your part] but it will serve your best interests as well, because you will be building a newer and stronger foundation of trust on which your rebuilt marriage will stand on. I wish you and your H the best. TMCM
Owl Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Gotta agree with TMCM on that Sweetz...my wife doesn't understand why she should still be an open book. SHE knows the affair is over and SHE knows she won't do it again...but it's going to take me a long time to get to where I can know it as well as she can. I'm a ton better at trusting now than I used to be...but she doesn't understand why I still need that occasional reassurance. She doesn't tell me "no you can't check"...but she doesn't volunteer anything unless I ask. And asking sometimes makes her feel like I don't trust her...so what do ya do?? /sigh
Author Sweetz Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 Great advice TMCM. I agree with you completely. I hide nothing now because I have nothing to hide. You are right in that this is a one day at a time process for us both. I at times also have bad days myself for different reasons relating to the affair and it's fair to say that he also will to and that it is OK to be that way. As far as being an open book, he knows I am and our communication is more open now than ever. I allow him access to everything of mine like you said: email, cell phone, etc. I call him at all times and let him know details of my whereabouts as well as anything else he wants to know. I also realize that I have to do this willingly or else he will feel like he is checking up on me, when instead it is just information that he is more than entitled to. We are doing great today and I know some days are better than others so I prepare myself for that. We have yet to come face to face with the OM and his wife at any business event but in a few months, we will have to cross that path. What will we do? What will I do? I don't know yet. I am just worried about today for now.
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