sad123 Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 I have broken up with my ex for 10 months now but we still talk. I have always been the one to call him and also initiated that we become friends. However, sometimes he is cool and sometimes he is distant. It bugs me because I want to still be friends with him. Why do you think he acts like this? He's not like this with his other ex's...he's still friends with them.
blind_otter Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 was there a period of no contact after your breakup?
Author sad123 Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 yes for about three weeks...i actually called him wanting to see how he was doing. When I called him he was like "I am going to call you sometime:. and I was like ok. The I called him. See, the thing is that I love him and never had a chance to tell him......and still haven't.
Weird Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 most likely he still has feelings for you and finds it hard to deal with only being friends when he wants more. With other exes he doesnt have the feelings so it is easy to talk to them. That to me is the only logical explanation of why his mood changes like that. Me thinks you two need to have a good sitdown and clear the air.
blind_otter Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 that's a big problem right there. you can't really go for the "let's be friends" tactic if you're still in love with your ex. It just doesn't work, because you will constantly be seeking more from your friendship, whether consciously or unconsciously - and it will be unfair for you in terms of future relationships because you are still maintaining a connection with someone you love who may or may not share your feelings (I assume since you are not together that he doesn't). of course ultimately it's your choice, but go into the situation with the knowledge that there is a huge potential for you to get hurt. A friend of mine stayed "friends" with her ex. He moved on, married someone else, started a family...she still calls him and obsesses about their interactions and cries when he doesn't call her back. It's a sad situation.
Author sad123 Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 I agree with you. I have told him after our break up that if he is seeing someone I would rather that he tell me because I feel that it would be wrong if I continue to talk to him. He hasn't said anything. Whenever, I tell him that he gets sarcastic and says "Wonderful". I don't know what he wants. I want to tell him how I feel about him but at the same time I am scared of rejection. Whenever, I try to bring it up he either has to go or he feels uncomfortable. He is horrible at expressing his feelings even when we were dating.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 For god sake leave this guy alone. Why is it that ex-girlfriends always want to be FRIENDS? What, do you want to mess up his current life without you or are you jealous he is with someone else? just leave him be... the only time one should remain friends with an ex is if you both have kids together!
Author sad123 Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 i am not jealous of any girl. Especially, if he is with someone he is with. I just want him to tell me so there is no disrespect to the other girl. So you really think I should leave him alone?
alphamale Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Originally posted by sad123 i am not jealous of any girl. Especially, if he is with someone he is with. I just want him to tell me so there is no disrespect to the other girl. So you really think I should leave him alone? Going only from what you wrote... it seems like this dude does not want to have much to do with you. You contact him only, he is distant and gives you no info. Also, he is friends with his other ex's but distant to you. Does he need to wave a placard in front of your face saying "LEAVE ME ALONE!"?
Weird Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Could be that or it coudlbe that he still has feelings and is uncomfortable trying to be "just friends" I would think logically if the guy wanted her to leave him alone he'd just tell her that. If I wanted someone to elave me alone I'd jsut tell them to elave me alone rather than doing what he is doing. sad123, babe, just talk to the guy and tell him how you feel. Is wondering and analyzing all this really much better than the potential rejection you could get? If you tell him and get rejected then you have lost NOTHING. You only have stuff to gain by telling him. At the very least you'll have cleared your head of all this and wont have to wonder.
ltomlinson81 Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 It is wrong to say that the only time you should be friends with an ex is if you have a child together. In mature relationships and breakups, it is completely normal to be friendly with an ex. If you leave the relationship and still have a strong bond, once both parties have dealt with and gotten beyond the breakup, the friendship bond can be rebuilt. I think it would be sad to leave a long-term relationship and have absolutely no contact ever again. What was all the time and care for? Why deny that you still care about one another? Don't ever expect to be very close with an ex after a breakup, but be friends if you want to. There is no harm in that.
seductress989 Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Sad123: Hi, I'm going through a situation very similiar to yours. I ended things w/my ex 5 months ago and I wanted to be friends w/him. At first, he would call me or I'd call him and we'd hang out. Eventually, things started becoming more dramatic and I started NC. That lasted for a 1.5 months. I gave in one weekend and came to see him. (this was only b/c he told my sister to tell me to come and see him?!?) Let me tell you, it was the worst thing I've done in a long time. He treated me with no respect and attacked me verbally saying very hurtful things. I've decided now for sure to maintain NC and NOT be friends with him. What I'm wondering is: do you still have feelings for him? (I know I still care about my ex, but after our most recent encounter, I'm definitely moving on) Why do you insist on being friends w/him when he is moody and cold? What are you getting out of your encounters or contacts with your ex?My ex treats me the same way. It's like a punishment for me dumping him 6 months ago or something. I know that I could not endure his indesiciveness for 10 months like you have. It is hard to let go, but sometimes you need to. Don't let him lead you on and don't expect anything. Trust me, you're only going to end up hurting yourself while he is moving on. Thanks for posting on something I can relate to. Let me know more about how he treats you when he sees you or what he says. I could give you some more insight w/more info. Keep us posted.
alphamale Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Originally posted by ltomlinson81 Don't ever expect to be very close with an ex after a breakup, but be friends if you want to. There is no harm in that. Here is the harm ltomlinson81: 1) Staying friend with an ex can and usually does harm your future relationships 2) Stying friend with an ex can keep you from finding someone else especially if your ex left you 3) It is not healthy emotionally to live in the past, one must move on 4) An ex will generally not look out for your future best interst, you must do so YOURSELF How is that for some justification???
Author sad123 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Posted November 19, 2004 Hi guys! Thanks for the replies...I really appreciate it. Well, my ex has been hurt in the past. He was actually dating this girl for five years and she cheated on him and married someone else. He was deeply hurt by that, however, before he met me he dated to other girls before me and actually told them that THINGS WERE NOT GOING TO WORK OUT. When I broke up with him, he never indicated anything negative . I always told him since we were long-distance I didn't want to be strung along esp. if he thought that he was losing interest/or felt that this was going to work out. Again, he said nothing. The funny thing about all this is that he was getting anything (ie. sex) because I wasn't ready for anything like that. He would drive 4 hours to come and see me in any type of weather..snow, ice...etc. you name it. I am a virgin. I have never experienced oral sex or anything and I am 24. He respected me and things were good. I broke up with him because I felt that whenever we met up he would hold back, you know keep his distance. That scared me because I knew I was falling in love with him and I thought that maybe it wasn't the same for him. You know, he would always tell me "your too good to be true" or "your so much more better than me" or "your different". I think I made a mistake by breaking up with him. My last relatioship was bad and I didn't date anyone for three years. I think I am the one with the issues..and I needed to resolve them on my own. I haven't dated anyone since we broke up either. One other thing, when I broke up with him he told me that he wasn't over his ex (the one that cheated on him). He said his mind wasn't in the right place...but yet two days before we met he didn't say anything not to mention that we talked on the phone every night and our shortest conversation was 2 hours long! Also, like I said, I have also told him to be honest with me if he wants out of the relationship...but he never said anything.... When we do talk/see each other he is always smiling and laughing...and it seems like he is happy when he talks to me. But, with guys you never know. Maybe he's scared of getting hurt???? Weird, I am going to take your advice and talk to him. I am scared but you know...you got to do what you got to do. Thanks buddy:) Seductress, tell me more about your relationship..why did you break up with your man? Do you still have feelings for him? i am glad that you could relate to me...We should talk more!
Weird Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 One other thing, when I broke up with him he told me that he wasn't over his ex (the one that cheated on him). That is a little odd. Now did he say he wasn't over her in the way he still had feelings for her or that he just was still pissed at what she did to him? I really don't know with this guy based on the stuff you have told us. He has unusual behaviour. He could still just be depressed about that past relationship and that is why he is distant or maybe he just thinks that type of thing will keep happening to him so he sort of puts up an emotional shield to prevent himself from getting screwed over. I really do think you should talk to him and tell him your feelings and ask him to be totally open with you. Hopefully by doing that it will at thevery least get this off your mind. BTW props for still being a virgin. I wish there were more females like you out there with the same morals.
Author sad123 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Posted November 19, 2004 Thanks Weird! I asked him if he still loved her and he snickered and said "no". I think it was about the memories they shared...I don't know. It really didn't make any sense to me and I didn't press him to tell me anything else. It was odd because he never said anything until I initiated the break-up after I had repeatedly told him to be honest. If you felt that way, I wondered why he would come see me two days before and drive in the snow? I have never lied to any of my boyfriends--good or bad. It's funny because even now he still talks to me and I always ask him..."do I bother you?" or "do I get on your nerves?" and He's like no. So maybe you are right. Weird, are you in a relationship?
Weird Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Hmm...really hard to figure him out but I would not be surprised if he is putting up a guard and that is why he is acting the way he is. Hopefully when you talk to him it'll all get sorted out. The fact that he would spent 4 hours driving to see you in any type of weather shows how much you meant to him especially since it wasnt sex that was making him do that..it was being around you you that made him do that and to me that is a huge sign of care and love. Just some advice....if you still are asking him if you bother him and stuff you should stop. My ex does this and while I appreciate her concern, it gets annoying after asked more than once or twice. The only relationship I am in is in a *****ed up "friendship" with my ex where she seems to expect me to act the same way I did when we were together (and gets frustrated when I don't) but at the same time goes on about us just being friends and how that is what she wants right now. She's crazy.
Author sad123 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Posted November 19, 2004 why does she want to be just friends? How old are you weird?
Weird Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 I'm 26. Well, I her defense she really is busy and stuff with starting up her career (she finished university april 2003) and she is super focused on that and doesn't have much time for a relationship. She had trouble handling the relationship before with her school studying so I mean it's the same thing now. Basically, she isn't emotionally mature enough to handle it all and that is fine with me because I don't want to get back together with her the way she is now because she hasn't changed in the ways (ie being able to handle ups and downs of relationship, etc) I need her to. Having said all that, it is pretty obvious to me and others who have been kpet up on the situation that she still has feelings for me and I do not doubt that she prolly thinks about us getting back together one day. Werid girl. She's 23
Author sad123 Posted November 19, 2004 Author Posted November 19, 2004 Weird, Do you think that you will get back with her in the future?
blind_otter Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 I dated someone briefly after I separated from my husband (we are now divorcing). I was still totally hung up on my husband and told the guy that when we broke up. Throughout the relationship with the new guy I was always thinking about my husband, and new guy was really a physical replacement, and I realized after he admitted he was falling in love with me that it simply wasn't fair. But to be honest, weird, not everyone is up front about their emotions. Especially if they know that revealing their true feelings will hurt someone. I've said, "let's be friends after the breakup" and really had no intention of being buddies, but I just didn't want it to end on a bad note. It's been 10 months, fer pete's sake. Clinging to the remnants of this relationship will only cause sad to live for the ghosts of something that once was. It no longer exists, the grieving process has been delayed and altered by this continued entanglement.
Weird Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 It's been 10 months, fer pete's sake. Clinging to the remnants of this relationship will only cause sad to live for the ghosts of something that once was. It no longer exists, the grieving process has been delayed and altered by this continued entanglement. Which is why she should talk to the guy and express her feelings and see what he says. You don't think she should do that? How is her trying to ignroe her feelings supposed to make her magically feel better and clear her head? I honestly believe if she tells the guy what she wants to tell him (as she has stated) then at the very least her mind will be at ease and she will be able to move on if this guy has no interest. By her not telling him what she feels and getting this off her mind she will only keep herself wondering about it. Remember, this is stuff on her mind and has been for a while. It isn't like she just suddenly started to think about it yesterday. She wants some resolution. Most people can't just turn off a switch and stop thinking about something that has been on their mind for a long time. Many try to do this and it just ends up messing them up even more down the road. If she talks to this guy and he says "I do not feel the same way as you do" then bam, she has her answer and can feel good knowing it. She wins. There is also the chance he may want what she wants and again, she wins. You yourself have said many aren't honest/open with their feelings so why then can't this guy be hiding his feelings for her? I do not feel she should have any false hope things will be perfect if she talks to him but she should do it for her sake so she gets it all off her mind. Sad, Who knows. What I do know is I do not expect it to happen so I do not hold my breath for it. I like to take the philosophy that if things are meant to happen they will happen. What I do know is my ex has a lot of growing to do before I would get back with her. So far she has shown no signs of any growth.
blind_otter Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Originally posted by Weird Most people can't just turn off a switch and stop thinking about something that has been on their mind for a long time. Ironically, I have dealt with this issue, although in different terms. It's true, most people can't do this. But in many cases this is a necessary process. For those who are dealing with grief, this is especially true. Grief is very similar (although not necessarily the degree of severity) for everyone who experiences loss. For those who have lost a loved one who has passed away, there isn't a way to "talk it out" with your loved on. With the end of love relationships, the grief is very definately there - and in some ways difficult to deal with because the person you lost is still around, they just don't want to be around YOU, and 90% of the time you can talk to your ex all you want, but the impediments to your relationship are still there, reflected in an inability to effectively communicate. I've heard this so many times. Girls break up with guys, and keeping trying to have these big, cathartic conversations with said guy. I'm not trying to discourage sad from doing what she feels is necessary. But the fact remains, if you have unresolved issues from your relationship and continue a friendship, it is impossible to move forward in your life and is unfair to both parties.
Weird Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 But the fact remains, if you have unresolved issues from your relationship and continue a friendship, it is impossible to move forward in your life and is unfair to both parties. I agree with that.
Author sad123 Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Hey Weird, How are you? Well, I finally took your advice and talked to him. I don't know if you remember but I told he that our relationship was long-distance. Well, apparently he said that he realized a long distance relatiohship wouldn't work with him but that was before I told him how I felt. I had actually tried to be smart about it and I asked him a serious of very personal questions "as friends" to see how he would answer them. Well, I eventually revealed my feelings for him and it was weird because he didn't say anything. He kept quiet and was actually really nice. I don't think he knew how I completely felt until I told him last night. I didn't push him to say anything because I guess deep down I knew nothing was going to come out of this but I guess you can say it was "wishful" thinking. I asked him if he felt uncomfortable and he was like no...and didn't hurry to get off the phone or anything. I also asked him if he still wanted us to talk ...and he said "ofcourse". But, I let him think that I wanted us to still talk but now I have realized that I don't feel comfortable talking to him. I asked him before I revealed my true feelings for him if he ever saw himself loving me...and he said he didn't want to answer that question. So, I said it's ok if the answer is no...we've broken up now and we're friends...I actually said it three times and all he said is that he didn't want to answer that question. I also asked him why he felt a long distance relationship wouldn't work...he said that you can't really find out a person is in natural/everyday settings. I went back to tell him you were in a relationship for five years and I was in a previous relationship for 2 1/2...they were both local....where are they now? Both of our previous partners cheated on us. I didn't beg him or try to change his mind. I simply stated how I felt. Honestly, Weird i wasn't in to his money, looks, or anything else...I just enjoyed being with him. I fell in love with him as a person and none of the materials mattered. I loved him for him even when he was upset. I just wanted to make him happy since we was hurt from his last relationship. I so regret breaking up with him. I guess a long-distance relationship didn't bother me with him because I knew how true, pure, and deep my feelings were for him. I guess it just wasn't meant to be and it hurts so much:( Thanks for your help Weird..you are cool and I appreciate it. By the way...nice pic!
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