shakenandstirred Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I just don't think i do that. I actually think what I did was worse, but even that is comparing. I DO think the fact that he actually pursued the 2nd woman gets in my craw. Also, he saw what the first one did to me and then did it again. To me, darn near unforgivable.... with no confession. I am a member of that forum. confusing to me is how can you think what you did was worse, yet you hold his feet to the fire at a rate that seems less than he does yours. I admit that you have every right to feel hurt and to feel that it's a dealbreaker. However it borders on hypocritical if he has forgiven what you deem you did was worse. So he forgives you, yet you can't because you seem to be keeping score. Did you not think that you having an affair could hurt him as much as you hurt now? Did you keep in contact after DDay with OM once discovered? Did you continue your affair in any way once discovered to give him more than one Dday? If you didn't, then very good If you did then that is just as hurtful. Point is keeping score is not going to help you recover this marriage. You have to forgive this or forget about having a marriage if you keep score
Author katielee Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I think what some people can forgive, others cannot. How he handles what I did is different than how I handle what he did. I can tell you for sure there will be no revenge or justification of acting out by me based on his actions, except for leaving.
shakenandstirred Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I think what some people can forgive, others cannot. How he handles what I did is different than how I handle what he did. I can tell you for sure there will be no revenge or justification of acting out by me based on his actions, except for leaving. Revenge affairs are never justified. he was wrong as were you. I have read where you say that he would might have never cheated if you didn't. I guess you would have had to accept him divorcing you had this been a deal breaker for him. I understand your position, yet I find it unfair for some reason. All in all you get to decide what your deal breaker is. I just think in the end that he was most admirable for forgiving you..yours being worse.
Author katielee Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Revenge affairs are never justified. he was wrong as were you. I have read where you say that he would might have never cheated if you didn't. I guess you would have had to accept him divorcing you had this been a deal breaker for him. I understand your position, yet I find it unfair for some reason. All in all you get to decide what your deal breaker is. I just think in the end that he was most admirable for forgiving you..yours being worse. that's just it shaken - have you really forgiven someone if you act out by having your own? for sure when I told him what i did I expected divorce...but he deserved the truth so he could make that decision.
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 how do you know? How much time should pass? yesterday he went to a business meeting and kept me informed the entire time. he won some prizes that we both can enjoy. I said that was great and then later said, "this comes at a price to your wife." meaning that I will always worry if he sees the OW at these - they are business ppl too. He felt cut down. like he just can't win. I guess if a person is in reconciliation they shouldn't say these things. they accept the uncomfortableness. I can't do it. I want him to know how hard it is for me... then he said to make a choice. I said I can't, I'm still grieving.. he said that's not fair to him, not knowing if I'm staying or going. I said that's all I can give and you're probably right. Then this morning he told me to take as much time as I needed.... I'm so tired.... Wait a minute, he doesn't want you talking about his affair or feeling bad, mentioning it to him because it makes him feel bad or uncomfortable? why hasn't he quit his job where the exOW is as well? That has to happen if they work together. How can you trust him if they still work together? He has to take it and realize that YOU need time. Just like he needed time to work through his affair feelings and rid of exOW out of his head and heart. He has to be patient with you, understanding and feel BLESSED that you are not kicking his ass out the door. What is he doing to make you feel loved, supported, secure and safe?
Author katielee Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 whichway - they don't work together but both the OW are in the business community where we live and that's how he met them. In fact, he works 100 yards away from one - different office buildings. He is trying by staying in contact with me during the day, curtailing his business activities. Last night he told me that he should be doing 10 times more than he is doing in the community but he wants me to feel safe so he is not. I guess I agree with the kicking his ass out the door comment. I would have done things much differently myself - moved in a heartbeat, sold the affair car in one day...
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