peachesxox Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 hi. i am new to this. i dont want to have to have counselling i found myself looking on the internet to try and relate my problem with others and come to the conclusion i would share my own. i was with somebody from a young age who absolutely worshipped the ground that i walked on. he really truly did. we were together all the time day in day out and were so in love. i cant even begin to explain just how happy we actually were. i really fell for him especially because he was always suprising me and doing lovely things, he was generally a really lovely person and i couldnt believe my luck. only just 17 i would never had thought i would feel that way about someone so young..... it got past the 2 year stage or honeymoon period as you could call it and he was going on his first lads holiday. we had been arguing a little just before he went - he had been a little cocky before he had gone i think that was why we argued so much. anyway. when he had gone i have never felt anything like it. of course i was upset and missed him yet i couldnt help but have this horrible gut feeling he was up to no good. turns out i was right. but i will get to that. he came back fine. then didnt know what he wanted anymore. then he was fine again. in the end i had to force him to say he didnt know why but he didnt want to carry on our relationship anymore. naturally i was devastated but got on with it. cried a few days and accepted it. i knew i deserved better. a couple of weeks later he was back in my life missing me and wanting to be with me. of course i was over the moon. then he went cold. i was determined not to lose him again so i tried so hard and put in all the effort despite the coldness. well turns out he was trying to date some other girl. i questioned her as i didnt want to be messed around and bless her, she told me everything i needed to know. how he wouldnt leave her alone, she wasnt interested etc. i confronted him and cut it off as we had been sleeping together. weird how he always said we were just friends though. he begged me to see him and won my heart over after i had been ignoring him. we got back together after that 2 months of ****, with it being a fresh start things were amazing, couldnt fault it. then it started to go downhill again after almost a year and i just couldnt trust him. i shouldnt have done it but i was always going down his phone on the sly as he would never let me go through it, i feel i had every reason to with girls always calling him. i suppose love is blind as i should have cut it off from the point i didnt trust him and he was going behind my back. weekends he was going out acting single. talking to girls like he was single. he always had an attitude.. i then had enough in my own little way. i wanted to break away but hated the thought of us moving on. it was the weirdest feeling. one night i got really drunk and took a few paracetomol threatening to end my life after me having a break down as i had enough with the way he treated me. yet i couldnt be without him. sounds so silly. naturally he left me. i was so drained with all the **** he had given me i let him go. if anything i felt relief when we were over compared to before. i felt i didnt have to worry anymore, he could go and do his thing and i would do mine. before i hated the thought of him being with another person but this time i wanted him to just to find someone to prove the grass isnt always greener. time passed and a couple of weeks later we were back in contact. we remained friends but he would call me about pointless things and then i wouldnt hear anything which left me sad as i was i fell back into old habits. i worked out that he was seeing someone and drunk called him that weekend sobbing my heart out why was she so special more than me and how he was never coming back to me as that was what i had always hoped would happen like the last break up. he confirmed he was never coming back. i texted him the next day how sorry i was and that i wouldnt contact him again as it wasnt fair. he was fine with that. it was a few weeke later of me doing good enjoying my life, got a new job, was enjoying times with my friends and my family, until something made me head to the std clinic. now the reason why i did was because something hadnt been right for a while, since just before we ended. i would say a couple of months before our break up. turns out he had given me an STI which will always be dominant in my system. i went mad at him and he denied all. to be frank he didnt give a **** and told me to look elsewhere. nice. like i would embarrass myself like that to him. in my revenge me and my friends started chatting him up on a fake social networking site. he fell straight into it and i felt nothing but satisfaction knowing that he hadnt changed despite his new girl. i told him it was me - yup spitefully - and he wanted to meet up to be civil. i agreed as i felt i had this chance for closure. we met up and things were ok... i wanted to know exactly what had been going on behind my back and he confirmed it. he slept with a few girls on his lads holiday regretted the first one but carried on anyway. i had always known deep down in my heart of hearts but i lived in denial. he then got into a relationship with his new girl officially. it made me angry but i rised above it and went off on a messy holiday. then... after a few weeks of nothing, he gets back in touch. only reason was to do with a phone contract i had in his name. i sorted his payment and we had a nice catch up over the phone. sounds weird but i couldnt hell but not want to be nasty as i had when i found out what he had given me. threats the lot. but after that i missed him like crazy. i just felt empty. i went out that night and weirdly saw him in the club. its weird because we both had gone to a club out of town. we ended up getting talking yet i had my guard up as he was really complimenting me which i found weird. drinks got flowing we spent the night together dancing and having a laugh and i got the whole 'i love you i've missed you its me and you always' because i had missed him it was so nice to hear. more fool me. we ended up going home together and STUPIDLY slept together. despite everything and his girl. he had left his phone in my clutch bag from the evening and i decided to hold onto it and say it had got lost. stupidly. we left each other the next day and i decided to return his phone to him. i then wrote his girlfriend a long message over a social networking site telling her what we had done and how i was sick of him bad mouthing me all the time as his family and friends disliked me so much. he could talk his way out of a lie like tomorrow and lied to save his own arse all the time. his friends i can understand would turn against me and his dad yes but me and his mum were practically like mother and daughter. now he fed them some bull**** for her to not talk to me anymore. funny how she met up with me after our break up wanting to keep in touch then next thing i get nothing after he had kicked off about us meeting. i wasnt about to be made out to be the physco ex girlfriend who wanted to ruin their relationship. believe me, i never wanted to. he then wanted me to tell her i was lying and how much he didnt want to lose her and he liked her so much and felt so bad. i felt bad as she thanked me for telling her. theres been nothing since all of this and it has really messed me up. i dont do things this out of character and i dont know how i am supposed to feel. im not looking for answers because there are none. i just need guidance i guess. confidence is at rock bottom and everything feels pointless in my life right now. i normally have a strong head but i am so weak right now i cant seem to forget. i feel like this has ruined a part of my life and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. if hes moved on why cant i? i really feel like he completed me and thats the reason why i feel so lost and empty right now. thanks.
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