The first day of the rest of my life

[ConcreteHeart]

Hi everyone. I am a long time lurker and newly broken WS. I have been in an affair for the last year with a MM and ended it for good yesterday. here was no DDay, but many attempts to end things, with one or both of us unable to let go for good. It has been 5 months of back and forth trying to be friends, but as many have said on this board, it is an impossible task.

 

So yesterday, I told him that I could no longer compromise myself respect trying to give him everything he wanted on his terms. He asked to remain friends, but I'm sure that our definitions are completely different. And t be honest, I will alway hope for more. The hope is a killer! I need to find my way back to the confident person I was before the affair started, and find my way back to my husband. I can't do either of those things if I continue to try to make him happy as well.

 

So I won't call this day one of NC. I'm calling it day one of the rest of my life. One day at a time

[ComingInHot]

First off, I find your strength encouraging & hope others here take it to heart as well!

It's crazy how easily those attractions overun our senses...

 

Questions* It sounds as if your H doesn't know of your A. Does he even realize there is something "wrong" in your M (aside from your cheating)? How do you plan to "fix" things w/your H if he thinks everything is okay?

 

I'm cheering for you!!

CIH*

[ConcreteHeart]

Good question Comingin. My husband has no idea about the affair. He thinks everything in fine and our marriage was OK. I am the one with the issues around self worth and intimacy, and he has been a very loving and supportive husband. I did not intend to start a relationship with anyone outside my marriage, but got swept up in the excitement and the fantasy. None of it was real, but I believed it was. I am in therapy now and have been since June. Most of the time has been spent getting to the point of being able to say "enough" to the MM without falling apart.

 

Now will move forward and work on how to regain my marriage. I hope I can. Right now it has been hard because I still have a connection to the "love" fantasy I have in my head about how it could be, rather than what it is.

 

I am also wrestling with if I should tell my husband about all this, or spend every day making it up to him and not destroying everything that I have in my life.

[ComingInHot]

Concrete, Please understand that first & foremost, I'm an advocate of Truth, however, I am Not about to tell out what to do. You know your stitch better than Anyone here*

 

It comes down to what You can live with, like forever. But I like the premis that today is the first day of the rest of your life**

 

Have you considered MC w/your H using a Different counselor so as not to have your counselor your using now apply any bias?

[ConcreteHeart]

I do appreciate your point of view and I, too, believe in truth. It is the courage live in truth that I am trying to find. But as all other people who have affairs...we lie. To ourselves and to the ones we love. I will consider MC at some point, but I think right now I need to work on myself so that I can tackle to larger issue of my marriage with some sort of clarity away from the affair and all the feeling that are still there. I need to know that I will never return to the fake relationship that we created as an escape from my very real relationship with my husband. At this point it would be so easy to use it as an excuse to go back to the destructive tango of the last year.

[Calcmag]

Hi ConcreteHeart.

Oh your post really touched a raw place with me. Couple of things.

First, as a MW, if you still have feelings for OM, it's so hard to hide the pain of the break up and keep up a pretence at home. I remember it well from one time me and MM broke up and I was devastated. But had to hold it together. I used to take about 4 showers a day so I could go and cry in peace....

I dont really have any advice for you about proceeding ahead with your M, as I did end up getting divorced. Never told BH about the A though.

 

Second, I've just started NC again with my ex from a non A relationship. Long story, we have tried several times to break up but just seem to keep coming back to one another. I still love him very much but I just can't be with him. We'd been trying to be 'friends' for the last couple of months and it just doesn't work. So I told him it had to go back to strict NC.

But it hurts still. But your thread title caught my eye because I know it's time for a fresh start...

 

So, anyway, welcome to LS. I see you're a long time lurker but a newbie to posting. Wishing you the best as you move forward.

[whichwayisup]

 

Now will move forward and work on how to regain my marriage. I hope I can. Right now it has been hard because I still have a connection to the "love" fantasy I have in my head about how it could be, rather than what it is.

 

I am also wrestling with if I should tell my husband about all this, or spend every day making it up to him and not destroying everything that I have in my life.

 

Do tell him. He needs to know so he can decide if he wants to forgive you and work with you to make the marriage better. You not telling him means you are afraid of consquences, of losing him and losing the life that you're used to with him. the thing is, you didn't discuss having an affair behind his back, you put your own marriage and life at risk.

 

He *may* know something is off and but trusts you and figures whatever it is has nothing to do with cheating. Or you've just been really good at hiding what you feel inside and lying to him. I don't mean that meanly okay, it's just that to be able to pull of an affair right under one's nose like that, it takes a lot of effort and faking to ensure the BS is never suspicious or wondering wtf is going on.

 

Your M won't have a chance until you rid of exMM from your heart. I suggest seeking marriage counseling and get strong. then bring your H to a session and then tell him the truth.