DESI Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Has anyone ever felt like they will never find love again. I know it sounds so stupid, that this is how I honestly feel. I just feel like I have lost my best friend, the love of my life, and I am going to be alone forever. I am only 22 and I know that I have a lot of years ahead of me, but I just always feel like I am going to be the lonely one, the woman with all the cats. It is just so sad, I mean as of right now I do not want to be with anyone. My ex really destroyed me, I find myself still having a hard time trusting anyone. I know it just means I still need time to heal. But I always find it hard to meet people that want the same things in life and that I have a lot in common with. The bottom line is I was 100% sure that my ex was the one for me, and I feel like I am never going to feel differently. It often makes me depressed to think that I will be alone forever. I know that I should be happy by myself, and take this time, but I am so alone. Especially with the holidays coming up, I have spent the last two thanksgivings and two christmas' with my ex. It is going to be hard for me to get through them Anyone else ever feel this way. It has been 6 months since our break up and I am still having these kind of thoughts.
Scott S Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Originally posted by DESI Anyone else ever feel this way. It has been 6 months since our break up and I am still having these kind of thoughts. Those feelings are normal. The Holidays are a time of togetherness with loved ones, & the first one after the end of a relationship is the hardest. Christmas 1992 was the first after I was divorced. Very painful. I felt sad, angry & bitter. Believed I would never love someone again. Never want to. Ringing in 1993, my New Year's resolution was a vow of celibacy. Time went on, & time began healing the wounds. A few years later in a church small group, I met a tall, doe-eyed brunette named Gina. We became friends, then after a time started dating. I found in her a warm, caring, gentle spirited, kind-hearted woman, and before I knew it I was falling hard. Something I had sworn I'd never do. The end of this coming January will be 10 years together, & next May will be our 9th wedding anniversary.
beejsea2 Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Desi, I know how you feel...I'm only at one month since my ex left. My birthday is right after Christmas and my ex always did something special for me...so I know it's going to be difficult this year but I have to remember the way that he left and the fact he won't contact me. If it's that easy for him to forget about 4 plus years than I need to worry about myself. There was another post where they were talking about karma. I believe that some day he will pay for the way he treated me...someone may treat him the same way etc. Just post here and everyone can help you get through the holidays!
Scott S Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 The Holidays are a time of togetherness with loved ones... With a view to this, I would strongly suggest you spend the time with family & friends. No one should be alone at that time. If that means travel, then so be it. Whatever it takes. The holidays will be much easier on you. Take Care!
xxsilverdragonxx Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 The holidays will be rough this year. Last year my ex was the one who I felt really brought a lot of goodness out of me during the time. It seemed a lot more special to spend the holidays around her, but this year, no dice. I know its gonna be hard, but you gotta keep your head up. Probably just means I'll be spending less money... How many people plan on getting something for christmas for their ex? I've been debating, either a nice card with maybe something handwritten, or nothing at all. But I am giving her parents, which I adore, a very nice gift for Christmas.
DESI Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 Yeah I also realize I am not the only one that is going to have bad holidays this year, but it is still hard. I was just so happy last year. My mom has a broken back and she isn't able to do much, my exes mom knew this and invited my parents over to her house for the past two thanksgiving, christmas, and easters. I was just so happy, thought that our next step was definately engagement. Still hurts to think of how he just left me and never looked back. I was so just so excited last year during this time, he was what made my life happy. With my mom being the way she is with her back, he made me happy. He was what was good about my life, I mean I am not saying that I am not excited about going home and seeing my mom, but I was so just extra excited when he was around. I am just trying to still decide if I believe that everything happens for a reason or not. I know this pain I am going through is not uncommon, but it is just too much to handle sometimes. I miss his family, I miss his mom, his cousins, his aunts. I just miss the whole thing. And he has never once called me to see how I was doing. That is what hurts the most.
on the edge Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 this will be another hard season for me too. last year this time, my stbx was "busted" about his gambling and affairs, along with the fact that my mother had surgery for breast cancer three days before christmas. after another argument, my stbx up and left with his youngest son that was visiting and left me and my daughter alone for the rest of the holidays including new years. time went by and we decided to try and put the past behind us and start over. i really didn't want to give up on our marriage. plus i've been married before and the thought of being divorced twice terrified me. things went well for about 3 weeks and then it slowly took a turn for the worst. back came the lies and deceit about everything and anything-where he was, what he was doing, etc. so long story short, we have been separated for almost three months along with the fact that we had to file bankruptcy. the divorce will be finished as soon as the bankruptcy is done. i find myself being angry and bitter. he still thinks to this day that he has done nothing wrong and he is now getting past "this" and moving on with his life. i guess our 9 years of marriage was nothing? needless to say i don't think i'll be getting anything for my ex except maybe a lump of coal...
kodiak Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Hey Everyone- I know how you all feel here about the holidays coming up. I have been broken up with my ex for almost five months now and it is still very hard. I was doing well but then I started going to the malls and seeing all the x-mas stuff and the hurt really hit home again. My family is all gone for x-mas and i have to work so its going to be tough. I will be alone and all i can think about is my ex spending time with maybe a new person. Ofcourse i dont know that for sure, but most likely that is the case. Our relationship ended on good terms so i truly wish her the best but it still sucks!!!! I hope everyone here gets through the holidays. this is a time of magical things so maybe something good will come of it.Take Care....KOdiak
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Desi... I'm so sorry. It's obvious that you are in a lot of pain. Break-ups always cause a period of grieving. For some it takes longer than others to work through the grief, depending on how close the attachment was. If you're not already in therapy, you might benefit from it. I used to worry about being the lonely "cat lady" too. I'm 31, divorced and single for the past four years. My boyfriend and I just separated, and I'm not entirely sure if we will make it back together or not. So I feel your pain about the holidays. We had plans to spend time with each others families, and I was so looking forward to enjoying the holiday festivities with him....the holidays always seem so much more magical. But I realized something to tonight. You have to reach out to friends and family. Tell them how much pain you are in and that you could really use their support. I had no idea what a good friend my best friend could be until tonight. She took me out to a comedy club...I highly recommend it, as laughter is the best medicine. She told me that no matter what she would be with me and I would never be alone as long as she is alive. Her compassion and understanding warmed my heart and brought me to tears. Someone somewhere cares about you and can be your support. If you don't have a support system in place, then please get out and seek it. Find and activity that you like...bowling, volleyball...anything physical....where you can meet other people and stay busy. Distraction helps. And remember that you have friends here who will support you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone. And some day when you've healed from this grief you will be able to move on...happier and healthier and ready for love again. Jen
DESI Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Thank you everyone for your replies. I find it so help full to post here. I know that on my holidays I will be thinking about all of you And one day when we are all over our exes we will be able to help others.
DESI Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 So thanksgiving is tomorrow and I can't help but think about how happy I was last year. My two roommates both have boyfriends and they are both spending thanksgiving with their boyfriends families. Although I am happy for them, it still makes me sad. I have improved so much from a couple of months ago, but its still sad for me to think that my whole relationship that I thought was so perfect and unbreakable was just a bunch of lies and deceit. I never thought I would be alone for another holiday again, and being with him made my holidays so happy. Here I am alone, and I just mostly feel like I have failed, I tried so hard at this relationship I gave him everything and he lied to me a lot then left me, and never once called me to see how I was, or to apologize or try to be friends or anything. I just often feel like everyone has found love but me, and I feel like mine was all fake and theirs is real. I feel like sometimes I must not be worthy of someones love. I used to be so much in love, and so happy and everything seemed so right, everything just made sense. But now nothing to me makes sense, I don't know what I am doing with my life anymore, etc... I am just hoping that this all will pass, and one day I will meet someone who is real. I just always seem to meet those guys that either cheat or lie over and over again. One minute he wanted to marry me the next minute it was over, with no phone call and a cancelled vacation. Please someone help me. I am just hurting so bad.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 Oh Desi, You are not alone. I'm here for you, and so are the other kind people on these boards. I know that it's not the same, because you are missing him and mourning all your lost expectations and dreams. I wish I could take that pain away, because I know how bad it can feel. Please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. You sound like a very kind, sweet soul who is lovable and who will be loved again. Are you in therapy or talking with someone to help you cope with your grief? Death of a relationship can feel like any other death of a loved one, and you deserve to have help in coping with and going through the normal stages of grief. Please continue to post here and let us know how you are doing...you are not alone...and I will do what I can to help you. Big hugs, Jen
sandra parker Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 Hi everyone, well, I was feeling pretty much about the same way. Tomorrow would have been our five year anniversary. But you know what, every Christmas I didn't get the one present I really wanted; a ring and the promise of marriage. I can so vividly remember opening my presents knowing that none of them would be the damn ring. I had to be appreciative and act like I loved my presents and deep down inside ache because of his lack of love/commitment for me. Every Christmas I would promise myself to give it until spring and guess what...I stuck around hoping like a dodo for him to want me to be his wife until I got so bitter and resentful that I was not happy anymore. He broke up with me almost four months ago and I sitll love him so much. He has been dating and God knows what else others and did this only 6 weeks after we broke up. I thnk I am finally accepting one simple truth that will save me: He is nor worthy of my love. There has to be someone out there who can treasure me, and if there isn't I suppose I am better off alone then with someone that after five years can be such a dildo. Well, quite a mouthful here. Anyway, I have been decorating, baking and getting ready for the holidays and I plan on chilling and eating and chilling and eating some more. As Gloria Gaynor said: Once I was afraid, I was petrefied--Couldn't think of living life without you by my side--But I grew strong and learned how to get along...something like that anyhow. Bless you all, Happy Turkey Day (ummm, which one of our turkeys??) talk to you soon.
moimeme Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 Here I am alone, and I just mostly feel like I have failed, I tried so hard at this relationship I gave him everything and he lied to me a lot then left me, and never once called me to see how I was, or to apologize or try to be friends or anything. Given the foregoing, it would seem that it is he who failed, not you. Work on changing your perspective. It's crazy to beat yourself up because someone else was a jerk. You're well rid of him.
SoleMate Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 A few years later in a church small group, I met a tall, doe-eyed brunette named Gina....I found in her a warm, caring, gentle spirited, kind-hearted woman, and before I knew it I was falling hard....next May will be our 9th wedding anniversary. Sounds like you're still pretty crazy about her, hunnhh?? That's a touching story, makes me have hope for this world.
Puma Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 im gonna be 22 in january, but when it comes to love...i really believe that it is not limited to age..although i think teen love is often minterpreted as being love..but anyways, thats diff topic. ive only been three weeks of being broken up with my ex..and that hits harder cause we had plans, vacations, all that stuff on the agenda..and now, she will be goin without me. i wish her the best..but i have hope that she is thinkin of me and will think of me durin these holiday season becaue im that great of a guy.."a catch" as everyone told her im very attractive, and i have the confidence in me taht most people would confuse for conceitedness, but hey confidence is sexy!! right ladies??? we just have to remember that although we dont have contact with our exes..or even if we do, they will always have those memories of us in their lil "precious memory storage" in thier heads we are all affected by the pople we meet in our lives..and when we have a relationship with them in the past..it is just that much more rememberful. i know how it feels to know that ur ex is the one for you..as i strongly believe that she is my one!!! so with that..i will continue to accept that i love her no matter what..and who knows what could be in store for us in the future. i know it is so easy for us to say i want it now, want her now!! that the society we live in..so fast paced..its called instant satisfaction. think about it in terms of a fast food joint. love isnt somethin that you want right away, gobble it down, then leave! its liek a restaurant of sorts..very nicely decorated, good cuisine: you make reservations(dating), take ur time through it all(relationship), then enjoy ur portions(memories), then ya have dessert!! which could be marriage or livin together well hope that didnt scare anyone off hahaha ciao persone perdente!!
Patiently waiting Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 Well, it's Thanksgiving morning, my soon to be EX H is on his way (he's late) to pick up the kids. (We have been separated since Mid May) What am I doing today? Cleaning my house........ Last year I was in Vegas with the family (his), I don't have any.
DESI Posted November 28, 2004 Posted November 28, 2004 Patiently waiting I am so sorry to hear that you don't have any family. That is so sad. I hope your thanksgiving wasn't too bad. Maybe for Christmas you can spend it with some friends or something.
statsgirl Posted November 28, 2004 Posted November 28, 2004 Hi desi, Your post reflects exactly what i am going through. My relationship was slowly coming to an unavoidable ending, but I was trying so hard to work things out until my ex finally said he was done and stopped talking to me altogether. The worst part is that we work together, and I have discovered that he has been seeing the secretary that sits right next to me!!! Noone at work knew about our 5 year relationship. We didn't want to be scrutinized. I can't tell anyone bc I don't want my business being spread around the office. The secretary is married, so shame on her anyway. I tried to call him and he answers but then just hangs up on me. I have been traveling the past few weeks to see my family. There is noone close to me where i live. He was everything to me and i was happy with that. The last time we spent time together was mid-sep. When i am away from here visiting family, I feel like i am going to be just fine. I know what was wrong, I know what I did wrong. I feel strong when I go away, and feel like I am going to be OK to deal with it when I get home. But, when i come home, I just start crying and can't stop. I am strong, but I am not strong all the time. And in those weak moments, the pain still feels very fresh. That is what I am struggling with now. I want so badly for my heart, that is in denial and feels the pain of such a great loss, to catch up with my head that can see all the reasons why this is probably for the best. It feels like this is going to go on forever. The wrong answer is to think that someone new is going to cure the pain. Like you, I have no interest in meeting anyone new bc I am still hooked on him and miss him so much. I know he is not coming back, and the painful part is that I watch him with this secretary every day now. He told me a long time ago that he thought she was ugly, and dressed too provocatively, but I guess he changed his mind. I don't know why he is doing what he is doing, I just feel unrelenting pain when I am around him, knowing that I can't have him. I am so angry. If I could quit my job I would, but the end of the long story is that I can't right now. I know that by getting away from him, I am OK. I don't know what to do now that I am stuck seeing him. I am 34 years old as of Nov 23rd. The only thing that I can offer you, which is what I remind myself of everyday, is that the one thing you can count on, is life changing on you. Every so often in your life, you face a life altering event. Because you have the pain to learn from in this experience, you now have it to take with you in making your next big life changing decision. You can use that to your advantage when the time comes. If this had happened to me when I was your age, I would have used it to my advantage in my next relationship, which is what I intend to do. I never had my heart ripped out before, so I guess I was bound to go through this eventually. But, I believe that I am more in control of my life now. I let this man get away with the way he treated bc I didn't make the choice to leave earlier like I would in my next relationship should I see the same things in the early stages. I don't know how long this is going to take me before I am ready to move on, but I promised myself that I would take care of myself through this, and that I would allow myself to feel the pain. I will give myself 6 months and after that enough is enough. I will force myself to move on. I will talk to my neighbors, Talk to people at my work about hanging out together, continue visiting my family, take up more reading, and I am on way to losing 20 pounds that I have not addressed over the past year. I have a plan for myself. There is a point in time that grieving is good and appropriate, but then there comes a point when you have to take care of yourself and stop dwelling. Maybe I won't feel like taking on the whole world and feel as much indifference about my ex that i would like, but you can't go wrong if you are at least taking care of yourself through your grieving process. Hope this helps even if only a little.
DESI Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Thanks so much, all these replys help me so much. Another thing that has helped me is seeing a psychologist. She sees a lot of things that I overlook because its my life. She has said to me that for someone my age I have been through a lot, and a lot of the things that I have had to do is beyond my years. I have never really looked at my life like that, and she said that this is the reason why I want a committed relationship at my age, is because I have had to deal with real life. Like for instance, I am almost 22 and I have been financially independent from my parents since I was 17. I have not asked my parents for a dime, nor have they given me a dime since I was 17. I know there comes a time in everyones life where your parents stop giving you money, but mine was at a very young age. They do not even help me during my birthday or christmas. This causes me a lot of stress. I stress about if I don't have the money to pay for rent where will I go. When I was with my ex, I knew I could always go to him, even though I never did, I always knew that he was there. Not having a sense of sercurity is very stressful to me. I am not saying that I worry about where my next meal is coming from, I never let myself get that low, but I stress about money all the time. I work full-time and I go to school full-time. I do not have the social life that I would say most college students have. When I go out its once in a blue moon, and I have fun, but it is so hard for me to meet someone to understand my situation. My ex I felt really understood it, at least more then anyone I have ever met. With me I am not anyway conceited about the fact that I am a full-time student at a university, and a full-time worker, I simply feel like I have to do what I have to do. However my parents think I should be. They see me as being an independent strong woman who should expect the same thing in a mate. I do not look down on those people that aren't in college. I think college isnt for everyone. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I am so stressed out all the time, I am always so busy, and I always felt like my ex was my payoff. He was what was good at the end of a 16 hour working day. You get what I am saying? I just feel like I don't have that anymore. I don't have much to look forward to. I guess I have graduation to look forward to, but that was when we were supposed to get married, and then I get sad again. I just don't see myself as being emotionally independent. I am financially independent at the age of 21, but not emotionally. I feel so weak. I feel so lost. I feel like most guys my age don't want anything serious, all they want is to mess around, and I am not that kind of girl. Will this ever end? Is it just guys ages that they don't want to settle down. Maybe when I get older finding a potential mate will get easier??
statsgirl Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 DESI, I did the same exact thing at your age. In my last year of college i was pregnant with my son. His dad wanted nothing to do with it. I worked 4 jobs, one was full time, and i carried 18 credits my last semester so that i could graduate before my son was born. He was born 4 weeks after i graduated. I did it all alone. His dad went to the bar everyday after work. He did nothing for me. I left him when my son was 3 months old. I was doing ok on my own and then i met the man whom i was in love with for 5 years. After 2 years, i really wanted to start spending more time with him, and then he started pulling away and then cheated on me. Not wanting to end the relationship, we started a very dysfunctional back and forth, cheating and lying based relationship(all on his part) for the next three until it finally ended this sep. I am also talking to a counselor. I understand your strength in taking care of yourself financially but wanting emotional security. That is what i wanted from this man. I am now 34. He is 37. Age alone is not going to help you find someone who will commit. In my own counseling, she helped me realize that i have had 3 serious relationships that all followed a pattern feeling attracted to men who were noncommittal and self absorbed. It stems from not having loving and supportive parents who were emotionally absent, alcoholic, abusive, ect... Anyway, it seems that i pick people who remind me of what i know, they are just wrapped up differently. I am beginning to understand this pattern of my relationships. Now that i am older, i would like a commitment from a good man. It's funny bc in counseling i told her that i have never met a man who fits the profile that i would like to have. She said, how do you know if you met one, if you have never known one in your life? That's true. I have never met one bc I was always attracted to the kind of person i have known all of my life, my dysfunctional family. Now that i know the difference, i might be able to be more aware of those traits in people, and head off trouble before i even get into it. If you meet someone who seems to have a past of behaviors related to not sticking with relationships, whether they blame themselves or others, that is a signifier of future behavior. Now, i might be more attracted to a man who is a widow, or who was in a long marriage, divorced, and sought counseling to help resolve issues related to the breakup. But, at least there will be a history of commitment there. There intentions would match mine more than a man who could not commit for long like all of my past relationships. Also, my past relationships were the longest for the men i was with. I thought that something about them was changing their ways and being able to commit. What i realize now, in facing the truth and coming out of denial, is that they were no more committed to me than they were to anyone else. I just let them walk all over me after the relationship started losing it's luster just so that i wouldn't have to let go. Think about if any of this reflects your experience. If so, an older man is not necessarily any more committal than a younger one. Past behavior will predict future behavior. Look out for your patterns of attraction. If you can recognize it, and it turns out not to lead you to healthy choices, then at least being aware of it will help you when you are faced with a decision about your next relationship, or might start seeking out new traits to be attracted to. I really hope this helps you even if only a little. good luck.
Isabella82 Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 It seems interesting to think that we choose people that our like what we are used to. I mean my father was never there for me, he never kept in contact with me. He just didn't care enough to. My ex after we broke up he never once called me to see how I was doing. By the way this is DESI just registered. Anyway, when I look at it my ex has never had a long relationship except for with me. His longest relationship before me was like 3 months. He obviously has issues with relationships, I mean he dated a lot, but was never interested enough to stay with the other relationships. I thought that with me it was different, that he would love me enough to stay. He stayed with me for 2 years but then he just gave up on it. It just hurts so bad, because I was so happy, and he used to go on about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me blah blah blah. What I need to do is look at this as his problem, he has a problem with commitment even though he doesn't think so. I should have broken up with him a long time ago to be honest. I should have broken up with him when I caught him telling me his first big lie. Then this wouldn't be so hard right now. Once he broke the trust with me, I should of had more respect for myself and leave. He isn't obviously the person he said he was, he lied to me, and protrayed the person he wanted me to believe he was. I still love him deeply, but I love the person who he pretended to be, not who he really is. He said to me that I bought out the worst in him, and thats not how he really is. I'm sorry but don't blame it on me, if you are a nice guy it will show through time. His true colors came out and I saw how he really was. Nothing he can do now is going to change my mind about him. What hurts me the worst is just the dreams that I had, the potential that I saw in this relationship. If only he was the person who I thought he was, and the person he pretended to be, how perfect we were for eachother. I'm sorry if this isn't making any sense, I just feel like I needed to vent.
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