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Broke up with GF because I was backed into a corner, but still love her

confusedfella

By confusedfella
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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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To make a long story short, my girlfriend has gone through much trauma. Her dad died when she was 5. Her family unit has been very unstable and negative, and she got married at 20 and was in a very abusive marriage, according to her. She said the man she married was a sociopath who took advantage of her. She said she has been very depressed since the marriage and the fact she can't find a full-time job after graduating college.. She also told me that all her previous relationships were disappointments. She is now 23. I am 22. We both went to the same college, same majors, same ideas about how to raise kids, similar ideas toward religion, similar political beliefs, and are both not the most social people, but she would always insist we were very different.

 

I've done everything within my power to show her that I love her. I'd constantly be there for her. Treat her nicely, with as much respect as I could. Take her to nice dinners, make her laugh. I'd buy her gifts whenever I knew she wanted or liked something. I was always there for her and I always cared for her very much, and still do. Deep down she has a good heart, but she traps herself in all of this emotional bubble of negativity. She had a therapist, the therapist didn't help. In fact, she ended up hating her therapist and didn't get along with him, and she stopped seeing him.

 

Despite all my attempts to treat her well, she would constantly find things wrong with me and always say that we weren't meant for each other and that our relationship wouldn't work, often times insulting me and my family in the process. This would happen maybe every 2 weeks or so where she would just explode and would want to end the relationship. During those two weeks where she wouldn't be exploding at me, we would be fine and loving for the most part, and we could be in each others arms for hours, and she'd tell me that she loved me so much and would want to marry me. We would have such a great time together. She would mail me cards telling me how much she loved me. She would buy me gifts, too. Get me food. Cook for me when I asked. I at least have 20 cards from her. But, despite that, she would still explode every 2 weeks or so, act like the relationship could never work, and look for whatever negative aspects she could find about me (by usually grasping at straws) , and ignore all the good aspects of me. Instead of looking for the good in me, she'd look for the negative. All she could see was negativity and roadblocks.

 

Needless to say, I was always very confused by all of this. If she loved me so much, why would she in the back of her mind not want this to work? We stayed together for a year and 3 months, and we had no real problems in the relationship, we got along very well until she would explode and put the relationship in jeopardy.

 

An example of this would be me showing her my new apartment. I was really excited to show her my new apartment, and I picked her up and even got her a rose that I picked that was her favorite color and took her to my apartment. She started asking if I was interested in working for non-profits, volunteering, etc. I said not really. I just want a good paying job. She then asked if I liked punk music. I said no. And then she went crazy and acted like she can't be with someone like that cause she loves punk music and she likes volunteering. Bizarre, right? Makes no sense. But in her mind, what she was saying was completely rational and it made sense to her. She's not very good at seeing things clearly. Sometimes she'd start texting me while she was hanging out with her mom, and start an argument with me, so we'd text argue, her mom would get mad at her, and she'd say things like "NO MAN ON EARTH IS WORTH MY MOTHER," just really bizarre. These types of episodes would happen every 2 weeks. She would always start arguments with me for no reason, and straight up treat me like **** at any given moment. In fact, I paid to take her to a comedy show, and when I picked her up, she was very rude and was giving me very much attitude. One time I was picking her up from the airport, and couldn't find her, and she cursed at me for not being able to find her instead of helping me locate her. Another time I wanted to pay for and get a hotel room for us to stay in for a romantic time over labor day weekend, and I told her we could do friday and saturday cause my cousin had an engagement party on sunday. She wanted it to be sunday and monday instead because she wanted to hang out with friends on friday and saturday instead, and threatened to cancel the whole thing on me saying we didn't need to hang out over the weekend then and created a big argument. I ended up skipping my cousin's engagement and booked for sunday in order to show her much I wanted to be with her. Another time I took her out to a very nice dinner at a very expensive restaurant and I told her I wanted to spend the night with her, and she said she couldn't cause she wanted to hang out with her friends instead. And when I would explain to her that what she was doing wasn't right, she'd instead blame it on us "not being right for each other." Keep in mind when she wasn't saying that, she was always talking about how much she loved me and how I was the only one for her. These types of events would always happen, every 2 weeks or so. But before such things would happen, we'd always have a very nice and loving relationship.

 

This culminated into something that happened last weekend. I was driving back from my family's house to my place, so I called her because I missed her. She told me she didn't feel like talking and later on told me that she hated me, just out of the blue. She then texted me that she was gonna get dressed up and go to the club in order to get attention from other males. That's when I told her I wanted to break up. But I only did it in order show her that was a redline that she can't cross. She went through with it, and it broke my heart. However, she told me she didn't have fun at the club, and was in the bathroom crying the whole time. I finally had enough, however. I told her she was the devil, trashy for doing that, and that she betrayed me and my trust, despite everything I've done for her, and all the loyalty, love, and trust I had given her.

 

I think a factor that contributed to this is we could never get too sexually intimate for a couple reasons. I had performance anxiety, and sex would always be awkward between us because my performance anxiety combind with the fact she had very many insecurities about herself and self worth. For example, if I didn't come, she would be insulted and she would start crying, and she would blame it on me not loving her or her not being good enough. I have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex, go figure I'm a male, too. All of this would scare me away from having sex from her cause I felt too pressured and was scared it'd lead to a fight. And she always demanded positive reinforcement. If she didn't always receive positive reinforcement, she would begin to feel insecure about herself. She would always want me to tell her how pretty she is, how nice her makeup is, how her vagina is the best, etc. She also initially told me that she wouldn't have sex with me unless we were engaged, and we held off from it for the first 6 month, so we never exactly started on that foot, but we ended up having sex cause we couldn't wait. I always figured it would be much different once we got married because then she'd know then for sure that I loved her, and whatever issues I had during sex weren't because of her.

 

I told her that if she wanted to get back with me after threatening me and subsequently acting on with the clubbing to get attention from other males, she'd have to go out of her way for me and do a complete 180 and prove to me she really loves me enough to make this relationship work because I certainly love her enough for that. I wanted a sincere apology. I just wanted to feel like she was going to be with me, for the long haul and for her to show me that she loved me enough. I've been keeping the relationship together after every argument, going out of my way to make it work. I just wanted to see her do the same for once. Now, she is telling me that she can't be with me, and that she is really hates herself with me. And that she knows she'd be depressed when she's 35 and married to me, and she knows that she will hate my family, despite never meeting them. My family would love her as one of her own, is the reality. It's really insulting. And I really honestly just feel like this is just a power play on her part in order to make it seem like it's ending on her terms.

 

I got very mad, told her that she's a bitch for insulting me and my family. I've never cursed or insulted her to this extent not even close, in fact we had a no cursing at each other rule, that she would constantly break, but what she did there by going to the club for other male attention, I ended up breaking that rule, too. And the ****ED up thing is that she is BLAMING ME FOR HOW SHE ACTS AROUND ME AND THE TERRIBLE THINGS SHE DOES TO ME. She says it's purely because we aren't right for each other, and thus she acts like that, but she can't explain why we aren't right for each other. I treat her so damn well. ****, what the hell is a fella to do? It's really cowardly on her part and she should own up to the fact that her being the way she is has nothing to do with me. She's the one in control of her actions. She refuses to take responsibility for her being terrible to me very often because she doesn't want to see herself in that light. She can't be the bad person, it must be because I make her bad.

Right. I guess being there for someone, loving them, buying them constant gifts, being nice and caring to them, taking them to great dinners will get anyone to act terrible toward another person /sarcasm.

 

 

All I ever wanted was to be there for her and show her there's someone who really cares for her and will be with her till the end, only she's ignorant to realize how much I really love her.

 

Is this a lost cause? I don't know what to make of it. The problem is, when it's good between us, it is DAMN GOOD. She has no idea how wrong she is about me and this relationship. She has trouble processing her emotions and thoughts correctly, and it leads to a bunch of bad decisions rooted in irrational fears. She's more of a danger to herself than anything because of her inability to see things clearly. Everything about how she feels or sees things is very much impacted by her internal emotions, which are often rooted in her fears for what could go wrong. She's a glass half-empty instead of half-full type of person. I just wanted to help her see through all of this and that she could be happy in life. I know deep inside, she's a sweet loving person, but right now, her real self can't be found, and I don't want to abandon her. I feel like I need to be there for her and help her see everything through.

Edited by confusedfella
melell Established Member

melell

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I am going to be blunt here. If she really did love you things would be much different.

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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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I am going to be blunt here. If she really did love you things would be much different.

 

That's what I would tell her, but she would insist that she loved me and instead blamed everything on "love not being enough"

melell Established Member

melell

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I was with someone for 8 years. I thought I loved them, even though I was very very unhappy. I didn't love them at all, wasn't until the ties were broken that I realized.

 

My ex would tell me 'you don't love me, or even like me'. He was right, I was just attached.

 

Sometimes I would lash out at the frustration of the situation as well.

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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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I was with someone for 8 years. I thought I loved them, even though I was very very unhappy. I didn't love them at all, wasn't until the ties were broken that I realized.

 

My ex would tell me 'you don't love me, or even like me'. He was right, I was just attached.

 

Sometimes I would lash out at the frustration of the situation as well.

 

I see, but I don't get what's wrong with me? I've been very good to her, and in fact she was the one who proposed the idea of getting married first. I gave her plenty of reasons for her to love me.

 

She would also always want to hold my hand in the car, constantly be in contact with me physically by grabbing my leg under the table at restaurants, cuddle with me. She would sometimes just stare at me and smile and tell me she loved me. That smile would make my day. These were all acts of affection. Things were great until she would just lash out at me for no reason.

 

I really don't know what to think. I do feel like she loved me, but that she is just scared and feared for what the future would hold if we ever got married. At the same time, you might just be right. If she loved me as much as she said, she'd be dying to have me back after breaking up with her, the way most girls do after a BF they love breaks up with them.

Edited by confusedfella
melell Established Member

melell

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This is really interesting because I was like that too. Really affectionate but then lash out. I loved him but hated him at the same time. So not 'true' love per se. But there were good reasons for me hating him.

 

I think you are better off out of this situation.

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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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This is really interesting because I was like that too. Really affectionate but then lash out. I loved him but hated him at the same time. So not 'true' love per se. But there were good reasons for me hating him.

 

I think you are better off out of this situation.

 

I just don't understand why she would hate me? I've been nothing but good to her. What you're saying to me is what she'd say to me. That she hated and loved me so much at the same time. She said she always felt like she wasn't good enough, even though I'd vehemently explain to her that wasn't the case and that she was truly perfect in my eyes.

 

Thank you, though. I guess you are right. I shall move on. Going to miss her, though. I really do hope everything works out for her. She was dealt such a crappy hand in life, and I hope she finds happiness.

Edited by confusedfella
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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your gf has some real issues.....you cant fix her she has to see the issues she has herself and develop strategies,by accepting that her rationale is not around to see her through

 

 

she can implement strategies to get passed the rough days

 

 

one thing for sure is she has to put off making major decisions when this is the case....that includes heated discussions.....or arguments about separating

 

 

the wanting to go to clubs and get attention while in a relationship...erratic behavior......attention seeking.....this is a no go zone too......she has to accept responsibility for hurting others.......its just not on so you can get attention...she should go for a walk when she feels like this...and pay some attention herself to her surroundings...the little things that make her happy......get rid of some of the adrenaline and pent up negative energy...gym would be good for her...by your description she sounds a bit hyper......

 

to me she sounds extremely young minded..."tell me my vagina is the best" crying when you have performance anxiety and cant come........but she was married?

 

 

Sounds like to me she is also depressed and that can come out as aggression and irrational thoughts......again strategies where you inform your loved ones that you are having a rough couple of days

gives the opportunity to explain why you might snap out of nowhere

 

also gives the ones you care about a chance to just give you quiet time and steer clear for a while

not put too much pressure or demands upon you until you are feeling a bit better....

 

 

i am schizo affective.......i have clinical depression....i have completed masses of therapy ....been taught strategies have helped others develop strategies in interactive groups with people who have mental illness..also participated in parents with mental illness groups with my kids.am supposed to be on meds i dont take them i accept the bad days and wait for the good to come back i am pro active...i accept i am often irrational.....i can mood swing from extremely happy to death warmed up, in a period of a day or two, i get paranoid,auditory and visually hallucinate and am delusional when really sick...that is when i am most likely to end up hospitalized...i was certified a danger to myself i am no longer a dangr to myself because i want to live...am trying to anyway

 

 

in saying all that......i try to be as pro active as i can and make it easier on my family friends and loved ones as i can....they are aware when i get sick and that i feel a burden on them.....

 

 

 

you cannot implement strategies and be pro active if you cant admit to what is wrong with you and you cant make her admit......she is not remorseful.....she doesnt think its her.....so anything you try to do is not going to help her......she needs to seek help......if i went suicidal kamikaze i woudl go to hospital ....wouldnt go for me ....i would go for the ones i love....and would hope if i was that far gone i wouldnt go....they would get someone to take me in.......

 

 

 

 

 

i dont want to hurt the ones i love....i accept my illneses sort of...it really sucks you know when you just want to be normal...easier not to admit you are the one with the problem....but unfortunately....even with schizo behavior ....reality always hits home..this is reality...

 

 

 

 

you are not abandoning someone who isnt willing to tend to her own responsibilities for self care....that requires professional supervision..........maybe it will force her to seek help if she truly loves you....tell her she needs to get help, see where you get withb that........talk to her family .....try to see if you can form a family intervention....even though they are unstable.....they may just come together to help her and in the process gain some stability and repair whatever damage is there...or start to....i would try for this....if it were me.....even if i got yelled at and abused this si what i would do for a friend and for a partner.....i certainly would...in fact i would not give up...but thats me....and i am mentally ill not so easy to push away......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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to me she sounds extremely young minded...

 

Hit the nail on the head. She is very young minded. She doesn't think so, but it's true. I noticed this pretty early on in the relationship, but I thought it was cute and would call her a little baby. I believe it was because she was very sheltered up until she was 16 or so, but I am not sure.

 

Her family is not a good support group for her. It is one of the causes of her depression. Her family always puts her down, and she needs distance from them, but she doesn't have the funds to move away. She was seeing a therapist, but she did not get along with her therapist. She says doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning and she feels like she's a failure in life.

 

I'd offer her to live with me if things were going smoothly between us. I so badly to help her overcome depression, but I am not good at dealing with it and it causes me to insult her at times when she starts insulting me, which probably makes it worse and makes her feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel between us. I don't know how. Because sometimes I can't tell if I'm being taken advantage or not. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help her, but she won't let me and says I don't understand. She really is originally a really sweet soul who was put into a ****ty situation.

Edited by confusedfella
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confusedfella

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man...my girlfriend before this current one was a complete whore who slept with other guys...

 

What do I have to do to find a girl that will actually give a **** and be loyal toward me? I don't get what's wrong with me.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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are you aware that people who are bullied often become bullies.....people who are abused often become abusers....bad behavior doesn't have medication to fix it...you have to break the cycle of aggression that started with whomever has bullied put down or abused your gf,and then maybe they were abused and so it goes on, who knows where that circle started could have been ten relationships before.... or you yourself will carry what baggage you have accumulated into the next relationship and start another circle of your own and she will float about going from one to the next without a clue to where the real problem lies.....in her......

 

 

i have been lucky to have supportive family and good friends when my mental illness has manifested badly......i feel for your gf that she hasnt that familial support network and you have not written of one or even two close friends who care..just you and her huh?...i know where i would be if i didnt have support....even though i tell them leave me alone let me die i have had enough now i want to go......i am still here......i wouldnt be without support and people who cared if i was alive....

 

depression is a serious illness that can kill you, it can be fatal.......dont mess around with depression, you cant solve the riddle of why

 

 

be her support if no one else will...its a noble thing for you to do, a very caring and compassionate way to show you do care, but understandable if it is too much for you ....just make sure someone is there for her .....

 

if you do decide to help her get support,

let her know you are tell her she has to give some effort too,and tell her lets go get help shall we....there are groups to attend that deal with partners family and friends of those with mental illness...which will show you you are not alone my friend......loads of family and SO's deal with this everyday ..

 

 

 

there are creative pursuits for your gf keep her mind busy......art classes...poetry classes...art classes for the mentally ill are an experience to be remembered..:cool:....we painted each other

 

 

 

 

see a caring doctor....a professional psychologist or even a shrink......check out the mental health care options in your closest city or suburb....call someone let them know you are struggling and dont know what to do or how to handle it ...talk to your family...you get support so you can support her if you wish too.......i wish you much love.....and hope your future and hers gets brighter and more stable

 

depression quotes - Google Search I kicked your ass and you ... | Wor?

Edited by todreaminblue
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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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are you aware that people who are bullied often become bullies.....people who are abused often become abusers....bad behavior doesn't have medication to fix it...you have to break the cycle of aggression that started with whomever has bullied put down or abused your gf,and then maybe they were abused and so it goes on, who knows where that circle started could have been ten relationships before.... or you yourself will carry what baggage you have accumulated into the next relationship and start another circle of your own and she will float about going from one to the next without a clue to where the real problem lies.....in her......

 

 

i have been lucky to have supportive family and good friends when my mental illness has manifested badly......i feel for your gf that she hasnt that familial support network and you have not written of one or even two close friends who care..just you and her huh?...i know where i would be if i didnt have support....even though i tell them leave me alone let me die i have had enough now i want to go......i am still here......i wouldnt be without support and people who cared if i was alive....

 

depression is a serious illness that can kill you, it can be fatal.......dont mess around with depression, you cant solve the riddle of why

 

 

be her support if no one else will...its a noble thing for you to do, a very caring and compassionate way to show you do care, but understandable if it is too much for you ....just make sure someone is there for her .....

 

if you do decide to help her get support,

let her know you are tell her she has to give some effort too,and tell her lets go get help shall we....there are groups to attend that deal with partners family and friends of those with mental illness...which will show you you are not alone my friend......loads of family and SO's deal with this everyday ..

 

 

 

there are creative pursuits for your gf keep her mind busy......art classes...poetry classes...art classes for the mentally ill are an experience to be remembered..:cool:....we painted each other

 

 

 

 

see a caring doctor....a professional psychologist or even a shrink......check out the mental health care options in your closest city or suburb....call someone let them know you are struggling and dont know what to do or how to handle it ...talk to your family...you get support so you can support her if you wish too.......i wish you much love.....and hope your future and hers gets brighter and more stable

 

depression quotes - Google Search I kicked your ass and you ... | Wor?

 

None of her "friends" care about her enough. She is literally all on her own if her and I are finished. She has no one, besides maybe her mom, but her mom tells her that she's disappointed in her and so on. I also don't think her mom is exactly the happiest person in the world, and she has her own problems. Look she doesn't deserve what happened to her throughout the course of her life. She got a raw deal. It would be cruel on my part to just let her go down the path she is going. I see the road she is taking, and I know it's not a good one. She's getting worse, progressively worse. The longer she can't find a job, the longer she's with that family who always puts her down, the longer she feels like a failure, and the longer she feels like she is somehow damaged and can't handle relationships, the more likely her mental health is going to deteriorate. I've made mistakes in dealing with her depression. I often times confused her depression and how she would react to certain situations as hubris.

 

For example, I decided to be the child by insulting after her going clubbing just to see if she would rise to the occasion and be an adult to make it work, big mistake. She didn't step up and instead acted nonchalant about everything, which made think she just thought she was above everything. On the contrary, she just doesn't know what to say or do. She feels stuck. I should've just swallowed my pride and spoke to her the right way to help her.

 

Thanks for the kind wishes

Edited by confusedfella
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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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you are welcome, it must be extremely hard for you, you are pretty young yourself, my family are used to me and my ways, as are my friends,anyone who comes into my life, has an instant support network, people who know me and what to do, where as you dont.....

 

 

with all the advice i have given i have failed in the sense, to take into account a lack of motivation on her behalf in that depression saps energy, i guess the reason i am trying to offer help with my long assed posts, is because your story touched a chord in me,

 

i do volunteer work always have and your gf sounds similar.Volunteer work is actually an out let for self worth, makes you feel useful and worthwhile...i have volunteered since i was 12 ....i will continue to, its my passion.,......charity always has been.....volunteer work is good for her...

 

 

I am actually in an episode at the moment, i am not too well,i am coping well considering i have others to look after myself who have trying behaviors but i come on here and i try and help others and i continue to do the things i love....

 

one of my mottos is(and i could have read this somewhere i have no idea actually or it could be just mine, is this.....

 

if you cant help yourself.......help others...

 

and thats what i try to do ...so no matter how messed up i am and believe me i am pretty messed up,at the end of the day....i know i have done something good for someone...maybe your gf feels that way......doing good for others is being good to yourself.....if everyone did something good for someone else every day they took breath(even just to smile at someone who needs a smile)...what would the world be like?

 

anyway they are my dreams ......my idealism

 

 

get your gf to dream her own dreams, to feel for and to think of others.....she is caught up in her own head at the moment.this is going to sound off center but ill say it...get her to pray every night...thats a simple start..i have prayed and found comfort there..you cant be everything to her.....only god can...... and she has to want to accept she needs to get better..i wish you nothing but the best.....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Consider it a bullet dodged.

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melell Established Member

melell

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I kind of think it doesn't matter if you were perfect. If she didn't love you should could just be lashing out at the situation in general imo

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confusedfella Member

confusedfella

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Update:

 

I suspect she has borderline personality disorder, as the way she acted in the relationship is very similar to described traits of people with BDP in relationships.

 

She ended up telling me she is much happier outside of this relationship, and she finally found a job, and that she is much more "grounded" as if I was the blame for EVERYTHING, which is common for people with BPD. She also insulted my race, my family, and said that she is in full-mode recovery after a year of me "****ing with her head."

 

Now I understand why she made herself seem like the victim of everyone of her ex boyfriends. It's a defense mechanism people with BDPs have in order to shift the blame from them, since they have the emotional maturity of a four year old.

 

 

Just remember guys and gals, if someone says everyone of their EXs were terrible people, run like the wind. Huge red flag.

Edited by confusedfella
Mr. Nibbles Member

Mr. Nibbles

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I read your story. I understand because I have felt this way before. I was going to suggest that it's just her period, but you mentioned that it was every other week.

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confusedfella

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I read your story. I understand because I have felt this way before. I was going to suggest that it's just her period, but you mentioned that it was every other week.

 

Yes, she'd pull fights out of anywhere. If i'm at my family's house and I don't text her for 2 hours, she'll say I was ignoring her for my family and a big fight will start.

 

If I tell her that I think she should consider a japanese car instead of a german car because of the lower costs, she'll get very upset and say that I don't think she's good enough to be driving a german car.

 

 

If I recommend becoming a waitress or something of the sort for part time work while she goes to grad school, she'll say "is that all you think I am capable of" and get very upset.

 

There was no winning.

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