James-London Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Hi everyone, Please can you help me with this query. I had been going out with my ex-gf for a year, but 4 weeks ago I found out that she slept with a guy 3 times in December last year. The breakup was painful but it was made so much worse by the fact she would not just put her cards on the table and tell me the whole truth upfront. Instead she has been trying to shift blame onto me and just refusing to talk about it at times. She has told me that it was ONLY those 3 times in December. However, I strongly suspect she also slept with him in August/September last year and maybe 3 or 4 times this year too. I do not know for sure, but it is messing me up thinking about it. The reason I am thinking about this is because I am trying to make sense of our relationship and work out what (if anything) was real and genuine. - ie. was it just those 3 times when she felt depressed etc., or was she sleeping with him on and off throughout and our whole relationship was just a lie and a joke? It would REALLY help me to move on with my life if I know when she was cheating.... Maybe there is also a small part of me that would want to forgive her if she has not cheated this year. I don't know. However, she is not really that interested in talking about it. I was the last one to contact her (actually I sent the last 4 emails about a week ago). I can't write again or I will just look ridiculous and desperate. I have even asked to see her telephone records but she has said this would be too "humiliating". In the circumstances and given my reasons for suspicion, I do not think my request is unreasonable. Also, if she comes out clean, it would be me looking stupid for making her do it. I find it really selfish that she will not talk about this/let me verify with her records as this would help me get closure. Even though we would probably not get back together anyway, it is the kind and responsible thing to let the other person have closure. If she really loved me and cared about me as she says, she would do this. I would rather know she cheated more than just not know. If I do not find out for sure how much she cheated (which is quite likely), do you have any tips for moving on WITHOUT getting closure? Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks.
melell Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 First of all, so many people move on without closure, even those with 'closure' never really know if it was the truth or not. Sometimes I do think it is better to not know the truth as well. I am really sorry that this person did that to you, I hope that you know it is a reflection of their character and not yours. Ultimately, if she was capable of lying for so long, and even not coming clean at the end, then chances are she isn't going to be honest with you now. My advice is to forget about trying to find answers, forget about potential forgiving her. You don't deserve that, and she doesn't deserve for you to care about her. Seeing phone records etc is caring about it- she doesn't deserve for you to care. Time will for sure make this go away, but you really need to just accept that she did this to you, and you had no control over it. Accepting the situation as it is, is the best thing for you. Emotions are so annoying with these things, because they kind of get in the way of our self respect, and our logic. You can't trust her unfortunately, so anything she says just keeps the wound open. You will get through this, just hang in there, and don't look back!
Heartbroken Eagle Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 James. I don't think you ever going to get the truth from her. Even if you did would you believe her? Speaking from experience, once the 'cheater' starts lying, they just carry on and on until you just give up in despair.. You deserve better than this, NC her and move on. Or else it will drive you crazy.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I just can't stand cheaters and the whole idea of cheating. May she be hit by a bus!! Seriously!! Stay strong my friend and let time heal your wounds. You are not to blame. No matter what. F*ck her!!! Sorry, this story just gets stuck in my craw 1
lovelorcet Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 James, You have gone way beyond the point of looking ridiculous... asking for the phone bill from an ex is ridiculous. What was real and what was not in her head really does not matter. Cut all contact with her and move on!
Omei Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Just remember to not close your heart! don't burden future relationships with trust issues remember what mel said "I hope that you know it is a reflection of their character and not yours" Everyone is DIFFERENT there are many girls who would never dream of cheating I hope the next girl your way is that type! 2
KCCK Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 perhaps the love was never real from the beginning.. perhaps you were just being used... please dont and ask the truth as you are definitely not yet ready to face the truth. her reply will hurt you very bad and it might not even be the truth..my ex dump me for other guy and when i ask for explanation, she started putting all the blame on me and i regretted for asking as i never imagine someone you once love can say things that can hurt you very much..thinking back, i dont even know whether what she was saying is the complete truth, partial truth or just to alleviate her guilt... There are girls out there who will love you and never cheat on you... just go NC and move on..
Author James-London Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 hey guys, thanks for your messages. its good to know that many people do not get closure. I think its quite ironic that the end of the relationship is the time you most need to understand, and also the time when people are least willing to explain. unfortunately, I wrote her a brief email (after the 4 I sent last week and she still has not replied to!) asking her again to tell me if she cheated on me since December last year. I then followed up with another email to ask her to ignore my last email because I would rather not know!! So, I guess I was not looking very cool there!! Not that looking cool really matters anymore. I need to NC her and draw a line.... the cheating is one thing, but the way she has treated me during this breakup by not explaining things and continuing to lie is just really not acceptable to me. Thanks guys.
Author James-London Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 one more thing - looking back I do think she was using me the whole time. She said I was the "safe and secure" guy and with the other guy she felt more compatibility and I think she was more passionate about him. But he was not crazy about her like I was and she knew she could not control him.... So she stayed with me, the safe and secure, 2nd choice guy. I am still shocked about this. I thought I had quite good common sense but I never saw this coming. Really big learning experience. And thanks for saying that it is more a reflection on her than me. That is kind.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 F that b*tch!!! People like this deserve nothing. Definitely don't deserve a good guy by their side. I hope she gets exactly what's coming to her - a bus!!!
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