EobardAllen Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 About three months ago, I decided to call it quits with my best friend of four years. I could write pages on what an emotional rollercoaster it's been, but I don't think it would be healthy for me to do. A little background: I'm a 21 year old male going to a four year university, she is the same age going through the same thing, although she goes to a different school. My entire life I've dealt with depression and social anxiety, my parents were alcoholics and physically/emotionally abusive. I took ritalin for years and was singled out in school as "the weird kid." I didn't really have friends until I met her, I'll call her alice. For various moments during our relationship, I developed feelings for Alice, like me, she went through depression of her own, but didn't isolate herself like I did, she buried herself in other people, whether it be through friendships, relationships, or whatever she could find. I think that's what made our friendship work in a messed up way. However, she made it clear to me early on that she wasn't interested in me, so whenever I felt my emotions getting in the way, I went through hell to bring myself out of line of cyclical thinking. I guess it would make sense for me to have stopped being friends with her a long time ago because of this reason, but I couldn't. I don't know why, but even after all of emotions she was still the first real friend outside of family that I had ever made, and she indirectly helped me become more sociable despite my anxiety. That and I couldn't stand to see her in pain while dealing with her own depression. Fast forward to three months ago. Things were on the rocks for us. I was feeling lonely as all hell (Haven't been in a real relationship since I graduated.) and my self-esteem was zero, I was going to community college at the time so I had no idea if whether or not I was going to get accepted for a bachelor's program, I was just waiting. She was on the rocks with her long-term college sweetheart, and she was lashing out by flirting with multiple other guys (to put this in example, we saw a movie together and she was texting her coworker about how she would **** him if she had the chance, literally right next to me.) I started thinking to myself I'm the one in pain, I'm your best friend, why are you giving these people attention, kindness, tenderness, while I'm drowning in my anxieties. Further things led to me getting angry. I had bought her a plane ticket to go out of state with me and my family on our summer vacation. I did it under the assumption that she would pay me back next paycheck (she was pretty much working full-time during this.) But alas, it did not happen. She said she would a couple of times, but after the last hollow "I'm going to pay you back" I told her not to worry about it, and to save money for the semester. When Christmas break happened, she revealed to me that she had made an effort to purchase a plane ticket to visit one of her online friends that she had just recently started becoming close friends with (they had only been talking daily for like a month) across country. Eventually it came out that my suppressed feelings were getting in the way(this is the first time it had actually been discussed since I first met her, 4 years ago) and she straight up treated me like a villain and a creep. Our communication was cut down to next to nothing. My favors, my emotional support seemed like they had meant nothing to her. During this period I had a hard time getting over her. I let her make me feel like I was a villain and ignoring all of the reasons why I shouldn't be friends with her. A month later, her sweetheart broke up with her, and I conveniently became the go to person to talk to again. For an entire month I helped her back on her feet (She has a heart condition and went to the hospital multiple times for panic attacks and irregular heartbeats). I would talk to her for hours at a time . It was like a full time job. But I knew it wasn't going to last, because I would get too attached to her. It was even more frustrating because despite all of my efforts to go out of my way, she was doing the same things she was doing before. Constantly on the phone with other people when we were together, being nice and considerate to them while using me like a nicotine patch. I told her I was getting too attached and her response was again detached and generally uncaring of me and my struggle to be her friend. After this, things started to free fall fast. We didn't talk for a week, she forgot my 21st birthday, and my anger was building to an obscene level. It all culminated one day when I decided to log onto her skype (she had given me her information to all her social media outlets to block out her ex because she thought it would be to painful for her to do it.) during a little argument that I instigated over a blatant showing of disrespect towards me. I found her talking to this random person online that she had apparently met just a day ago, talking about her argument with me, and she was talking about me like I was some kind of a joke. I'm not going to lie. I snapped. In another life I thought about being an english major, and I said some of cruelest things that you can say about another persons character. Everything since then has been this struggle to get her to admit how much she screwed me over, and give me a proper apology, and every time she made it out like it was my fault that I was feeling this way and that I was being this overemotional creep (she never called me a creep, but she might as well by what she said to me.) and how it was so hard for her to be my friend, blatantly poking and pointing out my anxieties The punchline to all of this? I own her cat. She loves her cat and had to give it up because her parents didn't want to take care of it. Just recently she asked me, after everything, if she can see or have back her cat. and after more arguments, I couldn't take it anymore. I caved. I apologized to her for everything I did and told her she could see the cat whenever she wants. And still I sit with fire in my gut, that wants to scream out and demand vindication, and I'm trying really hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to get it. That in the end, I just didn't really matter that much. Has anyone else been in a similar experience of cutting out a toxic relationship? and if so, how did you cope with it?
Omei Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Get her out of your life! She sound's like a horrid friend and I know you don't have many but you can make some! She's using you almost all the time and since you have depression, she knows that when she needs to fall back on you, you'll accept it because you like her and she knows shes a friend of few. Give her back her cat, stop doing her any favors! Start seeking someone new this girl's a spoiled brat. I feel what you feel wanting a sense of justice but I know I am not going to get it! I have felt it before in past relationships it go's away with time, and esp when you're happy with someone else.
todreaminblue Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) I dont have a lot fo friends ....the reason why, i have only a small inner circle is that it becomes overwhelming for me so as far as toxicity goes....i have had toxic "friends" i dont let them in, my inner circle is only for people i know really well(lifers),or have strong feelings for, adn or people who i knwo are meant to eb in my life..... they are who i trust and they trust me, these friends .....have never spoken badly about me behind my back that i know of or have ever known of, or used me as a source of amusement even though they could i am often very goofy, they never try to change me or think i need fixing or that i should be anyone but who i am.......that to me is true friendship you dont let toxic people into your inner circle, you reserve those places for special friends or friends that you focus on for they make a positive impact on you, that dont make you feel like this woman made you feel, she doesnt deserve to have your devotion loyalty or affection...save that for people who really do deserve it......you will really know when someone does because you will not in any way shape or form, feel the way you feel now that is how you keep toxicity from hurting that heart of yours any more this woman gets too you for one reason.....because she can ...you give her the capacity to......i think if she were to realize and apologize then you should give her a chance but dont give that chance in the inner circle dont let her that close dont get invested in someone who has consistently hurt you intentionally.......trust is to be given when you are proven trust worthy that is who should be close to you.....deb ps justice isnt yours to mete out........the best justice to anyone you can possibly do ....is forgive them.... that is true justice.......deb Edited September 10, 2013 by todreaminblue
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