ConfusedOM Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Been in A for over a year. I'm an MOM and she is an MOW. She is in a verbally abusive marriage with an alcoholic H. A few months back she left home because he got verbally abusive. She stayed at relatives house for about 2 weeks but left her kid there. He dictated when she could see them as if they were a tool to get her back. After a while she returned to home so she could be close to them but he had to follow her demands to stay away. She states that he is following her demands. I have noticed now since she has returned that she is not as loving to me anymore. I almost get the feeling something else has changed I was devastated when she said she was going back. I felt that she was going back Into an unsafe environment and I was scared but could not understand why. Now all she keeps telling me is that he is staying away but she only has time to tend to her child's need and to observe. She says she hates being there but needs to in order to see her child. Everyone has told her to leave with kids, file separation and custody papers. But she refuses to act upon it thinking its mean. I'm so confused as to what I should do. I feel that I'm being pushed away but don't want to go anywhere fearing for her safety. She still calls and texts me but its very sterile conversations now where as before it was very loving. Is she on edge? Is she reconciling? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 someone in a verbally abusive marriage with an alcoholic doesn't just up and leave her kids there. who was looking after the kids while her husband was drunk? it's likely that you're not really getting a full story, or not the most correct version of it anyway. stepping back for a bit and viewing the situation without the fog goggles might be beneficial to you. then decide what to do once you see what's actually going on. 3
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I can honestly say that I was In a fog but not anymore. Each time I was hurt, it brought me out of the fog more and more. She left the kid at home when she left. The child was sleeping is what I was told. This shocked me cause she treats them like the center of her universe. Why would someone return to a hostile environment to stay when there are so many other options available... Such as taking child to relatives or getting someone over to kick him out? Am I being played here In All this?
Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I can honestly say that I was In a fog but not anymore. Each time I was hurt, it brought me out of the fog more and more. She left the kid at home when she left. The child was sleeping is what I was told. This shocked me cause she treats them like the center of her universe. Why would someone return to a hostile environment to stay when there are so many other options available... Such as taking child to relatives or getting someone over to kick him out? Am I being played here In All this? i think so, from the couple of posts that i've read. but mostly, i think you already know that you are. i know how hard it is, when you care about someone, to think that they could lie to you. but, look around here. people suck sometimes.
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I know you are right. I just needed someone to say it to me. Even though this was an A, I really loved her and only wanted the best for her in her situation. We may have been more, but I was a friend too. Her returning was a deep wound to my soul. I was trying to look to the good in the reason why, but her leaving the child behind cancels any attempt at that. I blew up over text tonight letting her know I see the change. She claims she doesn't want to be there but has no choice. I don't know what to believe. My heart sees one thing but my mind sees another.
Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I know you are right. I just needed someone to say it to me. Even though this was an A, I really loved her and only wanted the best for her in her situation. We may have been more, but I was a friend too. Her returning was a deep wound to my soul. I was trying to look to the good in the reason why, but her leaving the child behind cancels any attempt at that. I blew up over text tonight letting her know I see the change. She claims she doesn't want to be there but has no choice. I don't know what to believe. My heart sees one thing but my mind sees another. everyone has a choice. especially if she's in a situation that she says she's in. and this is why i suggested that you take yourself out of the whole thing - you cannot save anyone but yourself. give your mind the chance to win here, as your heart's working against you.
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I only have what she tells me with this situation. I do know that he drinks a lot from others that are friends with him. I do know that he can have a temper at times. I know that her family is ready to help her in any way possible but they seem indifferent in a way...not on pins and needles like I would expect. When she did leave, he went and met with her mom and dad. What was said I have no idea, I only know what she told me. He is supposedly blaming her for everything and he really wanted her to talk to them after he was done. Net of all this, I can only go on what she tells me. But my guy says all this does not add up. If she is playing me, what would be the reason or end result?
Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 who knows what's happening there. she's really the only person that does. one thing you are certain of, is that she's capable of cheating, and lying to her husband and father of her child. i believe it always takes 2 to mess up a relationship. so far she's doing her bit to do so, and you know so because you were a part of it.
sweet_pea Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You should probably get out of the A since you're married and all.... 2
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I only have what she tells me with this situation. I do know that he drinks a lot from others that are friends with him. I do know that he can have a temper at times. I know that her family is ready to help her in any way possible but they seem indifferent in a way...not on pins and needles like I would expect. When she did leave, he went and met with her mom and dad. What was said I have no idea, I only know what she told me. He is supposedly blaming her for everything and he really wanted her to talk to them after he was done. Net of all this, I can only go on what she tells me. But my guy says all this does not add up. If she is playing me, what would be the reason or end result? She isn't playing you maliciously, she's just not thinking at all. If anything it's selfish on her behalf. You are missing bits and pieces of her situation and story, as you said you only know what she is telling you and she IS leaving out stuff which is why you're confused and not much of it makes sense. Let her go. She isn't yours and she certainly isn't your responsibility. All the time and energy you put into thinking about her, focusing on her isn't good. Focus on your own wife and children if you have any. Maybe figure out what YOU want (other than someone who is already married) and either re connect with your wife or think about ending your marriage -Regardless of what your MW does or doesn't do. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I know you are right. I just needed someone to say it to me. Even though this was an A, I really loved her and only wanted the best for her in her situation. We may have been more, but I was a friend too. Her returning was a deep wound to my soul. I was trying to look to the good in the reason why, but her leaving the child behind cancels any attempt at that. I blew up over text tonight letting her know I see the change. She claims she doesn't want to be there but has no choice. I don't know what to believe. My heart sees one thing but my mind sees another. You were a friend..Before the A happened. Once you two crossed that line, the friendship ended. And you can never go back and have that innocent and platonic friendship again. You need time, space and distance from her to think more objectively. Your heart won't let you see what's really going on. Detaching from her is your only option and I think if you can do that and really work hard avoiding thinking of her so much it'll help you feel better. 1
GreySkyMorning Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I think she's feeding you a line. I'm more inclined to think it was a situation of him throwing her out (perhaps he found out something about her cheating?) and she finally managed to get him to let her come home? No woman is going to walk out in the middle of the night and leave her children with an abusive alcoholic. They were asleep? How long was she gone? Sorry, that doesn't ring true at all. If the story was what she'd claimed, she would have taken them with her if she cared about them at all. Now she's trying to reconcile with him, but keep you hanging on enough to not leave completely. What about your own poor wife living with the neglectful husband thats cheating on her??? 2
KentuckyGent Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Am I being played here In All this? Absolutely without question 100%!
Mycatsnuggles Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Confused, I had to comment because "no one can believe her story". I was a child left behind. My father was an alcoholic who abused my mother. It did not happen often but when it did he was explosive and violent. It usually occurred after an evening out and my brother and I would be sleeping when the fight started. We would listen huddled in our room frightened. As the fight excellerated we could hear the sounds of skin being hit and hushed sobbing of my mother. I can recall two specific occasions she fled the house in fear for her life leaving us behind, there may have been more but the memories have diminished thankfully. Dad never harmed us, he passed out then when sobered take us to grandmas house to fetch mom. Much in the fashion your MOW describe. Grams and gramps were never scolding to dad it was mom who was admonished for abandoning her family. Mom stayed for many more years. There were times of happiness interspersed with times of physical and verbal abuse. Domestic violence is never as black and white as others want to paint it. It's difficult for someone to leave because of the intertwining of lives. Family and financial concerns often keep women anchored to abusive partners. I am not saying stay with her. I am saying don't question her. It appears she has so many in her life who are not supportive of her. She found you as a solace to the hurt and pain of her life. End it with her but tell her you understand her pain and hurt. Encourage her to seek the services of a domestic violence center the national number is 1800-799-SAFE they can direct her to a local center. People come into our lives for a reason. You were there to teach her a relationship doesn't have to hurt, love and support are possible. You have offered her the gift of beginning to recognize how change can come into her life. Don't defeat the lesson by becoming an additional person who question the validity of her "story". End the affair because it puts her at risk but don't destroy her memories of you. You gave her hope! 3
JPMC Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OP Perhaps MOW had a d-day. That explains why she had to leave the home. And now MOW has decided to reconcile. BTW, 99% of cheating MOWs say the H is abusive and controlling. That is simply a code message that says: "I am available". I suggest you forget MOW and divorce your wife. Go date single women. Go date your wife since you are a MOM. Run from this woman.
KentuckyGent Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 OP Perhaps MOW had a d-day. That explains why she had to leave the home. And now MOW has decided to reconcile. I'm firmly convinced my ex-MW got D with another AP and that's why she's currently moved out--e.g. he booted her a$$.
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Well I called her out on this tonight. She got all upset but I could not take being treated like Walmart greeter anymore. She said she was stressed due to returning back to home. She only did it for her child and he is staying clear from her. She changed back to the person I recognize now, but my gut is telling me something is still amiss. So the situation is that she returned home to a abusive alcoholic in order to be close to kids. She disappears for hours no text or calls and I get little updates that things are alright. She is trying to see if he is sneaking beer and looking for proof since he said he was quitting. I see it as a complete waste of time because he is a known alcoholic and she can simply check her bank register to see what is being bought. In the end does it matter for proof?
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I never thought of this as she was kicked out. Could be like that I suppose. This is bad part of the A...never knowing what is really going on but having to make decisions based on not knowing the truth. She did tell me she really wants to leave but is trying to work out where she will stay before exiting again.
Lillyfree Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 my impression is that she's reconciling with her husband, especially if he's promised to quit drinking. that aside, what about your M? you seem to be more concerned about hers than your own. 1
KentuckyGent Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I never thought of this as she was kicked out. Could be like that I suppose. This is bad part of the A...never knowing what is really going on but having to make decisions based on not knowing the truth. She did tell me she really wants to leave but is trying to work out where she will stay before exiting again. You'll never know what's really going on. How could you? You only know what she wants you to know. If she Really wanted to leave", she'd leave. It will always be something that keeps her there.
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 my impression is that she's reconciling with her husband, especially if he's promised to quit drinking. that aside, what about your M? you seem to be more concerned about hers than your own. I value your impression....seriously! I never thought if it that way. She swears she is only at her home because she wants to keep kid on a routine. When she left he seemed to be in control of when the child could be with her, not the other way around. She seems to allow him to stay unemployed living off her, stay in the house, and he was guilting her about how the kid needs a mother at home. She demanded that he stay away while she was there... Meaning outside or something. When she came back he said that he has to raise the kid all over again because she did not have a structure so he is demanding things and she is respecting his wishes. It all seems nutz and illogical to me. I wrestle with the fact that normally the mom is in control with these situations.. But it does sound like she got booted. Of course there are more areas of concern, but I don't want to talk your ear off. She swears she is not doing anything for him, but I just find it hard to believe. My M is a culmination of 4-5 years of W slowly receding away from family. She never wanted to do things with me and kids. She did not help around house and only wanted to deal with cheering with oldest. Last year, I came to my wits end and started to have serious conversations. One of the coaches got into trouble and she perked up way beyond normal and made me very suspicious. I could never prove an EA or PA but since he is in jail now, I guess I will never know. This is when I started to detach from her and later met AP.
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Oh and one of her demands was that he stopped drinking. He said he did but she is now running around trying to find proof....why does this matter when he is at least an 8 year alcoholic? Since he is living off her, she could check bank register or cc he uses to find out. I don't understand why I am being updated with all this cause the act of her returning killed me....she was out and returned to the danger within a week.
Lillyfree Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 you seem to have enough to be sorted out in your own M, and you're shifting focus onto hers - is that so you don't have to deal with your own problems? OP, she went back because she wanted to. that and that alone should be enough. why were you heartbroken? were there plans that the two of you would start a R in the open? are you planning to remain in your current situation? 1
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 She will not cut access to funds or kick him out cause its mean??? She will not file separation and custody papers cause its mean. She will not stay with friends or family cause she wants to be at her house, but she will not remove him. She has told me for a year he is horrible, does nothing and never does things with kid and is verbally abusive to her. Now she returns and he is mr dad, stopped drinking cold turkey, and guilts her into changing her ways. And she stays there to be near her stuff, kids and in home locked up at night with an "unstable" spouse. Hmmmmm. Found out that he talks about me like trash as well. Hates me being a friend and that I disrespect him cause kid likes seeing me at playground with my kids. Apparently kid talks about how much fun I am at her house.
Author ConfusedOM Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 you seem to have enough to be sorted out in your own M, and you're shifting focus onto hers - is that so you don't have to deal with your own problems? OP, she went back because she wanted to. that and that alone should be enough. why were you heartbroken? were there plans that the two of you would start a R in the open? are you planning to remain in your current situation? We have plans to be together eventually after all this is crap is sorted out. I don't know about now...because she went back. I really love who she is with me and care for her deeply. I don't know if I can deal with the heartache if this is not going to happen. I wish I could get the truth do I can know and move accordingly. I worry about my stuff but hers is more unstable and could have led to harm...if that is true.
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